Me an my girlfriend have an extremely defiant 4 year old daughter and an increasingly defiant 2 year old son. Our daughter tells people no, tells them to shut up, pitches big temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way, hits her little brother both with her fists and with toys and has knocked him unconscious a couple times with her VTEC laptop, and has cursed the babysitter a couple times. We have tried everything from time out to taking away toys and tv all the way to spanking her but nothing is working anymore. Her 2 year old brother is like a sponge and absorbs everything that goes on around him, including the behaviors his sister is displaying and is starting to act out as well. Our son isn't as "bad" as our daughter but is almost at the same level. The main thing with him is that he will cry and pitch tantrums either out of the blue for no reason or because he doesn't get his way, try to push his sister, or any other child for the matter, out of his mom's lap just because he doesn't like her giving other kids attention. The main thing that sets off the tantrums though, is if he can't be clinging to his mom 24/7. For the most part, he's fine throughout the day. But, once my girlfriend gets home, he will start pitching a fit if she doesn't give him a hug and kiss before giving his sister or me a hug and kiss and when it comes to walking, he will pitch a major fit if he can't be carried by her and has to walk. I almost had to literally drag him once when we were grocery shopping due to one of his tantrums because he wanted his mama to carry him and she couldn't. When me and my girlfriend try to talk to both of them about their behavior, they look as if it's going in one ear and out the other. We are at our wits end and could really use some advice on how to deal with this. And so there is no confusion, both of them are my biological kids and my girlfriend is their biological mother.
I appreciate all of the responses. Thing is, we have already taken her to the pediatrician and she referred us to a child psychologist who gave us some parenting techniques to help try and change her behaviors. Our son is fine by the way. We rushed him to the er both times and they said he would be fine and should have no long term ill effects from it. As far as the stuff the psychologist suggested, we have fully implemented and have been sticking to everything consistantly for the past 6 months but it doesn't seem to be effective whatsoever. And as far as my son's clinging to his mom, it's been that way ever since he was born.
Wow. I am glad you are seeking help. Being knocked out can cause serious damage. I would remove the laptop and anything else used as a weapon and not give it back until she stops. I think in person counseling would be needed as this is so severe.
B., I think that perhaps you should talk to the pediatrician. He or she can give you some resources for people to help you learn how to handle your children's temperments. Having one come to your home (like SuperNanny type thing?) might help you learn what at home that you could do differently to change the dynamic in your household, IF that needs to be done.
Go ask for help - it will make a difference for you!
Dawn
Talk to her pediatrician. Our son has ADHD and we were going through similar problems at that age (along with more). The pediatrician gave us some tips and then referred us to specialists for more help. It can really make a difference to get medical input if the standard parenting techniques aren't working.
I think you're going to have to find a method of discipline that works for you guys and stick to it no matter what. I really like Parenting with Love and Logic. I think it makes the most sense and is a really loving (and logical ;) approach. The hardest part of this method (any method really) is that you have to be so super consistent for it to work. You can't give up or get (visibly) mad or yell b/c it takes away the effectiveness of the method. Also, as cheesy as this may sound, Supernanny has really great advice! I'm sure there is a website and they do rerun those episodes on like USA or something every day so maybe look into that too. It's really hard but good luck!
What I have found at that age is consistency is SO important.
With the 2 year old, I agree is is doing what he is seeing. It's OK for him to be clingy (Lots of kids are) but the pushing & refusing to walk can't be tolerated. Strap him into an umbrella stroller. Don't take him to the store AT ALL. O. of you go--O. stay with the kids. Maybe inconvenient but whatever.
You are not apparently hitting the 4 year old "where it hurts" and I DO NOT mean spanking (not a fan). You've gotta find out what she loves the MOST and give her a warning then remove it (whatever it is) from her life for a day. Add a day for every disregarded warning. Consistently.
I'm hearing that the marble in the jar works really well for kids lke that.
You put a marble in for good behavior (for both kids) and remove one for bad behavior. Make the jar small to start. Once it is full - you bring the child out for a toy (put a limit on it, dollar store, whatever). The the jar is emptied and you start again (with a little larger jar - you want to use a small one to start so that they will fill it in a few days and be rewarded positively).
Give it a try. and use a jar with a lid to keep the marbles in :) and stash it up high.
Your 2yr old is probably afraid he's going to be knocked out again and is clinging to his mother for safety! Id be scared too, expecially at 2yrs old! Although I think clinginess and separation anxiety is common around this age, so maybe he is just seeking a little extra cuddle time.
Like poolmama said, remove the heavy weapon toys! Your two year old is following the leader (your four year old) and at this age there is a lot of monkey see monkey do! But it is your job to keep both of the kids safe!Definetly ask your ped for some advice and possible diagnosis. I would also suggest really pointing out and rewarding GOOD behavior for both of the kids. Have little stickers or something to point out when someone is doing something good. Maybe each of the kids needs a little one on one time, create a system of maybe rewarding for good behavior = more time with mommy or something like that. You'd be surprised what kids will do to get recognized. And your reinforcing good behavior at the same time! Monkey see monkey do for the positive!
Also, if you try to set your expectations for good behavior before you go in the store you might have better results. In a nice way let the kids know if they behave in the store they will get to play a game with you when you get home or something along those lines. Always make sure your kids are rested and fed before going to a store too! Otherwise, breakdowns/tantrums are inevidable! If they act up, just calmly remove them from the store and let them throw their fit in the car seat. Try not to get upset or yell because they feed off of the negative attention too. I know this "removal system" seems like a lot of work and can really set a trip to the grocery store on a long timespan, but in time, when kids see youre serious and wont take or feed into their bad behavior, they start to do less and less troublesome things! I speak from experience! Terrible twos/threes almost made me crazy!
Good luck!
I am so sorry, i will try to be as gentle in my answer as possible. Have you been super consistent with the various discipline approaches? You really do have to stick with one method for a long time. Switching back and forth between one method and another without giving them ample time to work just makes the behaviors worse. What I would do, is I would take away every single thing they had with the exception of their bed(pillow blanket etc) and their clothes. Every single toy, book, movie, game, music, radio, tv, crayon, coloring book, balls, skates etc, EVERYTHING would be up and "gone". They would stay gone for minimum of 1 month. after 1 month of solid good behavior, listening, manors etc. they would gain back 1 toy. each week thereafter of good behavior they would earn back another item. first day of behavior regression they would have everything they earned back taken away again. and it would start over by the week. one week of good behavior equals 1 item returned. (and I dont mean perfect little kids, NO kid is perfect and they will have the occasional "no" or fit, i'm talking about the behavior you are describing). I really hope you and your girlfriend are able to get this nipped in the bud. Good luck!
A child like your stepdaughter will not respond positively to spanking. Try love and attention when she is being good, ignoring and putting her in her room when she is bad. Don't argue with her or yell at her.
Two year olds often cling to their mothers. That is normal. If he needs a hug and kiss first, then I think she should give him a hug and kiss first. That won't hurt anybody. If children have a meltdown in a store, the best thing to do is leave right away, and go home and give them a time out in their room to calm down.
The two of you have two children together. I assume you are quite young. Are you going to get married and make this a permanent family? Your kids will respond positively to that. Kids need stability, and they thrive on knowing their lives will be stable.
Raising children is REALLY hard. You have to have a lot of patience. Don't assume that because children try your patience, that there is something wrong with them. Most of the time, changing how you parent them is what does the trick. Parenting classes are helpful. Good luck.
i think alone time/date nights for your girl and mom and your girl and yourself are needed and also tlaking to the ped, its not easy going from being the only one to having a brother. maybe some special nights and create a chart for behaviour with stickers and a prize at the end of 5 days?
