Seeking Inspiration for a Delicate Issue

I am a mother of a 20 year old daughter and had to have somewhat of a talk with her at 9 years old times have changed and you can't wait to much longer before someone else will have the talk with her. You want that person to be you. My advice to you is start simple allow her to ask questions. I sat down with my daughter and my husband and we started to talk she asked a few questions and that was it. Once we had answered her questions she was satisfied. From that point on she knew she could come to us and we would tell her the truth. They know if you aren't being honest with them and all the want is an honest answer from you. My father always said if they are old enough to ask the question they are old enough to get an answer. The kids today are not like they were when I grew up 42 years ago you have to start early. Just be open to a certain point and be honest let her know she can talk to you about anything. I hope I helped good luck.

Hey - that was a good one - I had to re-read the gorgeous part.
cool.
anyway, I have a 9 year old and I am wondering the same thing.
if there is anything that works great for you, please keep up posted!
Good things to you my funny friend,
Celia in New Hyde Park, NY

Good luck with your chat! Good for you for doing this! It is a very important gift to your child.

In addition to figuring out what and how much to say in your first talk, you may wish to consider getting a book for your daughter. This way, she could look at it if she has any questions but is shy about asking. Also it gives you something to look at together, and reminds you of the key topics. You can find many books on the topic, and one is likely to suit your values and her reading level. I like the book "It's So Amazing! A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies and Families" by Robie H. Harris. I find it has all the basic facts, but is cheery and has nice cartoons.

Don't feel like you have to cover everything in one talk. I think a shorter talk is good for a first one, as long as you get back to the topic some other time.

With a smaller child, some parents I know described sex in their first chat as "a special kind of close hug that feels good." But a ten year old might be too old for that kind of euphemistic description! (I added that we do not hug everyone!) With an older child like yours, I would share some basic values about intimacy, and a short comment about protecting your health (the same way we don't kiss people who have colds.) But I save the details about condoms, birth control, STD's and risk for a later age, except to say there are ways of preventing having babies, but we will save the details for later.

I also saved the "emotional side-effects" part of the chat for a later age with my older son, now 16. I kept to the simple facts with both of my sons in the first few talks. I try to have at least annual updates with them, or to make sure my husband does.

I find it helps to admit it can be awkward or embarrassing to talk about some of the details, if you or your child seem to feel awkward or embarrassed. And needless to say, talking about sex with boys can be awkward for a mom or son. That being said, I think it is a very important thing for moms to communicate with their boys about this. I can't speak for dads with their girls, but I think since most kids turn out to be heterosexual, learning that it is OK to speak about this topic is a big investment in your child's future ability to communicate with a potential spouse or life partner.

I also tell them that this is a topic that is private, and not to be discussed with children their age, that it is not fair to friends to talk about this topic, because it is their parents' job to do that. Once they are 14 or so, they do talk about it with each other. But at 8 and 10 and 12, I think it is important to tell them that people have many different values and opinions about this topic, and parents should be the ones to talk to their children about it.

I hope any of this is useful to you. Good luck and best wishes!

D.,

I have a 9 year old son (as well as 3 younger ones) and I wanted to be proactive about teaching him about sex. I just bought the most amazing series of books...it is called God's Design for Sex and I think it is appropriate even if you are not interested in God, because it teaches what is morally right related to sex, as well as a thorough explanation of how/why everything works. There are four books, written for different ages. I bought all of the books because I wanted to start at the beginning even though he is 9. So first we read the book for 3-5 year olds, then 5-8, and we are moving on to the 8 to 11 year old book, which I am nervous about, but he needs to hear from me, not society, the tv, or school. I have been very impressed with these books and highly recommend them.

They are written by Stan and Brenna Jones:

Book 1 The Story of Me ages 3-5
Book 2 Before I was Born ages 5-8
Book 3 What's the Big Deal? ages 8 - 11
Book 4 Facing the Facts ages 11-14

I bought mine through a homeschool curriculum supplier www.sonlight.com, but I think you should be able to find them at Amazon.com or other places as well.

It is so important that we as parents are the first exposure that our kids have to this sensitive topic. We need to be honest with them, and explain, like you said, why it is important to wait.

D.
35 year old mother of 5 (with another on the way)

It's always better not to have "the talk." Instead have open conversations all along, using teachable moments, walking by billboards, watching tv shows and movies together and asking your children what they think about certain situations, and offering your views and values. Planned Parenthood of NYC has wonderful information, www.ppnyc.org.

A little about me: I'm a mom of 3 (15, 13 and 2)

Do it soon.. as usually in 5th grade the school teaches some stuff.. and then friends of the kids teach what they think they know. I bought a book.. called where do babies come from.. and there is another book called why is my body changing. The where do babies come from.. tells most all they need to know. I read it with both of my kids.. and told them as we read it.. that if they had any questions.. please talk to me. My son asked a few questions.. and my daughter didn't. I wanted them to know that I would talk to them about anything. I told them that the internet isn't the place to learn.. and their friends aren't the ones to ask.. I want to be able to help my kids. This book truely helped. My daughter asked questions about this when she was 8 and we read it.. and my son was 9 ... I read it to them seperately.. and it really is a great book.. check it out.. good luck...

My dtrs got the talk when they were 5 and 6 because I was pregnant and they wanted to know how the baby got there. We got a good book and read it to them. We made sure it talked about love and also discussed anatomy and used the correct terminology. They are now 10 and 11. Each year we have had the talk a few times and it has gotten more mature as they have. I know you don't want to present the issue as an anatomy class, you want to make it more, but please make sure you do go over the anatomy portion as well. At this age they really need to understand the biology of it as well. Then you tell her that now she knows the how, you more importantly want to talk to her about the when and why. My kids know the anatomy but they also know how her father and I feel about love, sex, marriage etc. It helps to think of this as an ongoing dialogue and use every opportunity you get when something comes up to teach your own morals and values about love, sex, marriage, etc.

Hi D.,
I'm M. I'm a proud mother of two beautiful daughters. I spoke to my daughters at 10 years old and told them that sex is only betwwen husband and wife there are many young girls at the age of 9,10,11, years old having sex not saving themselves for their honeymoon night and are regreting what they did. Being a virgin is "COOL" you are spared from all types of diseases including AIDS your daughter should now what AIDS is and the final outcome with AIDs is death. Your daughter is special and loved by her family and that they are proud of her for being that special girl that will grow into a beautiful young lady. It is our responsibility to protect and educate our children and set values in them that will carry them throughout their life and their children's lives. I will pray for you and your family. God bless.
Mare

My daughter has known about sex since she was around 6 yrs old. She is now 9 yrs old.
She had been asking some questions when she was 6 because she used 'good nights' for sleeping and we had run out. So I had her use a maxi-pad instead to help her through the night. She then wanted to know what they were for. LOL It was kind of funny.

Anyway she and I sat down together and I explained to her as lightly as I could about it. But that lead to more questions so in the end I explained everything to her...full blown sex talk.
But ya know, it didn't bother her and she didn't fuss over it or make a big deal about it. She never has and now, she is prepared for getting her period and such.

If I were you, I'd start by asking your daughter if she has any questions about it and just answer what she asks about. You might be surprised to find that she'll need minimal information. On the other hand, she may be very inquisitive, like mine was, and you may end up having the full blown talk.
However it happens, be honest with her, Use correct terms when talking about body parts, don't "cutsie" it up. And try not to let her see it make you uncomfortable, even if it does. If you can show her you are relaxed and comfortable talking then she'll come to you for a lot more things int he future.

I always have had an open honest relationship with my kids. They can come to me and ask or talk about anything and I am always ALWAYS honest with them, even when I don't want to be. I want them to be honest with me always and if I am not honest with them, how can I expect them to be honest with me?

My 16 year old son is now going through some stuff and it was hard for him to talk to us about it, but he did and now we are helping him through it. If we didn't have an honest relationship, he may not have come to us.

It's important that your kids know they can count on you even when they mess up. Being honest with them tells them that they can.
Having a sex talk isn't something we are all comfortable with, but it leads to more important things for our kids to come to us about and they need to know they have your support and love through it all.

Good luck with the talk and remember, once it's all out you both will be relieved that it's over and you'll find that she will talk to you more often about a lot more things. Your relationship could get closer as she gets older because of your honesty.

BTW, when I had the talk with my daughter, we went into my room and piled pillows on the bed and kind of just hung out, just the two of us, no boys allowed till we were done.

D.,
I am with you, I too decided to not follow the books, I used my own feelings and I have raised great kids. As for the sex talk, what I did was took my daughter out for a girls afternoon which included lunch. We went to the mall and did some shopping and while we were out I told started telling her about how grown up she is becoming and how she is my best friend in the whole world, then casually I mentioned that some day she will be a mom just like me. I told her about getting her period and that I didn't want her to hear about it at school. I was honest with answering all of her questions, which included sex. At first the answers were very simplistic, then over about a 6 months she asked me more and more. Obviously I did something right, she is now 25 and has decided she wants to wait until she is married to have sex. Hope this helps.
Hugs,
T.

Hello D.,
I don't consider discussing sex with the children to be a delicate issue. And I also don't believe in "the talk" - in our house, it's been an ongoing discussion for years. While my kids had exposure to the facts of reproduction from a very early age because I am a childbirth educator and teach Bradley classes in our home. The facts of reproduction is just a brief part of sexual education. It's all a natural progression, first you've discussed the changes of puberty, then you move on to the mechanics of reproduction and from there are those discussions about your beliefs and expectations about sexual behavior (as well as the other teen issues such as drinking, smoking, drugs, etc). The most important thing is not to make it seem like you are uncomfortable discussing this subject with your daughter because if you are, she will notice and feel that you are comfortable with her coming to you with questions or starting a discussion of her own.
Good luck!

I have an 11 YO who will be 12 in a few months. I am looking for advice also.

My children were well read. So do provide reading materials. Many "lifetime" movies could be used for discussion.

She may know more than you realize. Consider her peers.

I'm going through the same thing so I'm not sure I'm still learning myself. But what I have noticed is that giving a little information and letting her digest it has been helpful. Then she comes back with the questions when she's ready and where she feels comfortable going. She tends to start the conversations when we're in the car which makes it more relaxed and less like a class - it has been a dialogue.

I think you're on the right track since you realize you have to play it by ear. I already know I'm not going to be able to do it the same way with my 7 year old when the time comes.

Just relax and take it slow. Good Luck!

I can almost guarantee she's heard something about the topic already - - - My sister just had to have the talk with her 9 and 6 yr old. It's best to call everythign by it's proper name (no nicknames for the genitals) explain it like it is - the purpose for men and women having sex, what is invloved, what happens, etc.... and emphasise your personal beliefs. (Mine would be that it is for a husband and wife and can be enjoyed but God's purpose for us to have sex is for having babies.) I know this talk is hard but remeber it is better coming from you and being 100% truthful and honest is best - because if you're not they WILL find out eventually. It is best coming from mom and dad. Good Luck!

I am going to offer a suggestion but I will preface that my only child is still a toddler. I plan to and have heard from others that a life of presenting healthy sexual attitudes and open discussions throughout your whole relationship will be the most effective. Start the dialogue by asking questions to find out what she wants to know. Be interested in her more then a "talk". If she knows she can talk with you and won't be talked at she will come to you with questions. Best of luck.

Hi georgeous mom!

Good question. I just wanted to say WOW, after I read some of your responses. Great tips! I have a 9 y/o boy and a 7 y/o girl. Looks like it's time to start the conversation.

Dear D.,

I had the sex talk with my daughter at the same age. I think it is crucial that they hear things from us and not their peers. I mainly stressed her having respect for her body and not to let anyone talk her into doing something that did not feel right to her. I just told her that she was very special and that only someone that she thought was special should be allowed to be intimate with her. Hopefully with someone she cares for very deeply and not to do things just because everyone else is. The reason I stress this is because oral sex has become so matter of fact because these kids feel it is not sex. They can still get diseases from oral sex and most times girls do it to be popular and get the boys to like them. I would tell her that even though a boy says he will not tell he will. Just the way she will find out which girls are doing it, people will find out the same about her. My daughter is now 19 years old and is in a serious relationship for about a year and a half. She is away at college and comes home every other weekend to see her boyfriend. She is a wonderful, responsible, sweet girl and we have a very close relationship. I am sure she is intimate with her boyfriend, call me old fashion but we do not discuss the details of it but she knows I am there for her if she ever needed to talk to me. I am her mom not her girlfriend and my job although it is hard is to have the difficult talks i have them. D. if you don't someone else will and you may both regret it later. As far as the details I was very specific. Especially about oral sex. I had a friend who was a nurse and she told me that oral sex was epidemic and that even the nicest girls from the nicest families were doing it. That scared me. I think you are a good mom for being so informed and not burying your head in the sand. Talk about everything drugs, sex, alcohol because it is out there and we need to keep them as informed as we can. Hope i didn't scare you. Good Luck !!!

I really don't have any advice for this one, but just thought that I would let you know that, I read you "a little about me" and I laughed, I think you are quite funny, and to be honest I think with a sense of humor like yours, you will do great talking to your daughter about sex and the issues that come from it. Besides, at her age, heck she may already know more then we do :) J/K. Good Luck and let us all who haven't had to deal with that yet know how it goes!
A.

I honestly don't know exactly how you have this talk with your kids, my daughter is only 8 months old, but I do distinctly remember "the talk" I had with my mom when I was 10 years old. I remember being so nervous and wanting to ask questions but not knowing how to ask. And I look back at it now and think my mother should have done it much earlier than she did...and this is 10 years old 20 years ago. Kids are growing up so much faster now than when we were kids. So my suggestion, try to make it as comfortable and easy going as possible. Someplace where your daughter feels safe and free to talk.

I never was able to talk to my mother about sex and ended up making some bad choices along the way. I wish I had someone I trusted to talk to about it.

LOL to your description!!!! I would let her start off the comversation and just go from there. I had a talk with my daughter around the same age, she's 14 now, but having the talk early is best thing for her. It sounds like you'll do a great job. Good luck!!!!! :)

D.,

I think you got some great response to your question.
I have only one thing to add - are you ready?

Kids ask questions constantly and my friend said that when her daugther turned eleven she woke up and was ready.
She had been delaying the talk because she was not ready to see her baby grow up, but hadn't realized this was the case.
But one day she was out with her daughter and she did some big girl thing and she said, "No more baby, here."
And she stopped delaying and allowed the continuation of the
discussion that had begun when her big girl was still just a little girl.
The discussion is two sided and sometimes mothers or fathers are just not ready.
But as the mature one it is easier to get yourself ready quicker, because you know that your big girl really, really needs this information.

With my daughter there is no "talk", but a long conversation that began with her asking one day at four, "If daddy has a vagina why does he pee standing up." I said, "Daddy doesn't have a vagina."
She said, "Oh, I thought everyone had vaginas."
The discussion has never ended.

I agree. We are all different and books give you ideas not an answer, except one. My daughter is 13. I started to discuss it with her slowly leading up to sex. I first began talking about the changes that was going to be happening to her when she was 9. I figured that was the most important because that would happen first. She, like many other kids, loves to ask questions and I took that as an opportunity to tell her more and more. At the same time I would say to her "no, you are not ready to hear that yet, I'll tell you when you are". Afraid if she knows too much too soon, it might become something distorted to her, because her mind can't understand certain details yet. Then she will go to friends, who will distort it more. Maturity matters a lot in this discussion. So like I said, this discussion was a slow one leading up to sex. At the same time, she was having sex-ed at school, which aided my discussion and fueled her questions. I never gave her more info than what I thought she could handle, but each time we talked she got more and more info until finally I broke it down for her. Good luck to you. I hope this dicussion time works as a wonderful bonding experience for you and your daughter.