Our So-called Life

Updated on December 11, 2013
G.J. asks from Greenford, OH
26 answers

My husband and I have been married for 8 years.We have a 4 year son. We live in my parents-in-law's house. My husband has always been verbally abusive and from time to time he event hit me. It always has to be his way or no way at all. He made me leave the house several times. Because I refused to leave without my son, he literally threw both of us out of the house. Luckly for me I have where to go,but I feel as the last person on this Earth. Since our son was born, we had to leave 4 times. He would not give any sign during a week or two and after would call me, yell at me to get back "home" as if I was the only one to blame. This is soo hard for me, you cannot imagine. I went to see an attorney, but I am not ready emotionally to get a divorce. I may be codependent but I cannot see my life going on outside this marriage. I still hope he will change and realise all the pain that it caused. Can you please give me your opinions?thank you so much!

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answers from Austin on

This is your first question and so we are leery of this question because we get a lot of strange posts on the weekends.

If this is really what is happening ..

G., It ois against the law, for anyone to hit anyone else. It is just like a hit and run. You need to report this to the police and file a report.

IF you are afraid to do this, go to a womens shelter and take your child. Ask them to help you.

When your child grows up and someone hits him, should he just stay and take it, or should he call for help?

Does your son deserve to live like this?

Iif YOU do not teach him that this is wrong, he will either end up aggressive and an abuser like your husband, Or he will grow up to think it is ok to allow people to hit him. He will have learned this from his parents. It will not end well for any of you.

I know you are scared, but you must look at your son and decide if you are strong enough to protect him. If your husband hits you, your son will be next.

Here is a link to the Women's shelters close to you. Your son deserves a better life. You can give it to him.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

You need to contact a Women's shelter. They have experience with this and can protect you till you feel strong enough to do the right things. They have good counsel to give you and help you find resources you need.

Since you are at your parent in laws, and they are allowing this to go on, I'd say this is a multigenerational thing. Your son is the next in line to treat his kids and spouse this way. Healing will only begin with this generation if you get out.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery, than of your H changing. You are only in control of yourself. Take a better step than the lawyer, go see the woman's shelter. Get the copies of your birth certificates and marriage license and anything sentimental and store them with your friend.
Have all your bank acct numbers.

If you don't leave, in 10 yrs, you will be back here asking how to protect your teenager. Because at some point, he will fight back. Then in 20 yrs, you will be your mil and just stand by and watch your son treat his wife and child this way. You can stop this now.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

If you stay and the next time he hits you? You need to call the police and press charges. That is NOT a marriage.

You need to seek a strong therapist to help you overcome your co-dependency and get a better life for you and your son.

When he kicks you out? DO NOT go back. Go to a shelter. Get help. But do NOT go back.

He will not change. You cannot change him.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

He will not change. He does not care.

If you can't leave for you, leave for your son. By staying, your "Husband" is teaching your son how to be a man. Do you want your son to be abused, or to become an abuser? To think that how your husband treats women is how they SHOULD be treated?

I'm not kidding. I've seen this - a family member stayed in a verbally abusive household. Her son has picked up a LOT of what his father was like. He's getting a bit better, but it has taken YEARS, and he still doesn't have a healthy view of how healthy relationships work.

You may not be "ready" to go through a divorce. You don't need to get a divorce. You need to get AWAY. But you better do something or you will put yourself and YOUR CHILD in MORE danger.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Even if you feel conflicted, listen G.--

Your CHILD does not deserve this. Your child needs protection from this sort of atrocity.

Try to step outside your codependency (and get to a support group for codependents, even if it's just al-anon to start, because they do offer support in this area-- a raging jerk is a raging jerk) and see things through your son's eyes. This must be intensely terrifying for him to see his father yelling and hitting you. Once he gets old enough, Dad will likely treat him the same way.

He will not change. The more you cling to this fiction, the more you subject your son to damaging experience after damaging experience.

Is this how you want him to feel he should be treated?
Is this how you want to seem him treating his possible future wife and kids?

You know, later down the line, he's going to come to you and wonder why you didn't protect him, early on. Why you didn't value HIM enough to get past your fear and ambivalence and leave his father -- because you will be exposing him to what NO child should have to deal with.

He's NOT going to change. You will have to leave, divorce, and be brave, because that's what good mothers do-- set their personal feelings aside for the safety of their children. Don't get sucked into feeling sorry for yourself-- you have the safety and welfare of your child to consider. I'm not saying it's not going to be hard, but you need to get away from someone who feels it's even REMOTELY okay to throw out his wife and child when he feels like it. I don't know what sort of horrible person behaves this way-- or why-- but your husband is truly awful. Get out of there.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from New London on

My opinion..he WILL NOT change. Ever. You are co-dependent and that is **why** you can't see your life going on outside of this marriage. This man has manipulated you, abused you both emotionally and physically. He does not love you...this man does not know how to love and will never learn.

You are extremely lucky you have somewhere to go...use that. Get help and get out.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

GET OUT! Any man that would throw his wife and son out 4 times is NOT worth having. This is not fair to you or especially your son.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

If you won't leave for yourself, leave for your son. By staying there, you are teaching your son that it's ok for a man to treat his wife the way your husband treats you. Your son will grow up an abuser because no one is teaching him that it's wrong. If you don't get out and say NO WAY - this is NOT how a man should treat a woman, you are telling your son that it is 100% acceptable. Is that really what you want?

I hear you saying you're not emotionally ready but you need to get out NOW. Get help. Find a therapist to help you work things through - by yourself, NOT couples therapy. Get on medication that can help manage your emotions and make you realize that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.

Your husband is an abuser and his parents, who you live with, clearly aren't much better if they aren't saying anything or doing anything to help you.

Unless you want your son to grow up as abusive - or more so - than his father, it's time for you to get out now.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on


Look at this list and find the nearest shelter that is not in your town. Take your son and go there NOW.

You need help from people that know what they are doing- please go.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

Stop going back.


It's time for you to learn to stand on your own two feet. Ask your family for help to get away from him. I'll bet they're just chomping at the bit for you to leave and would be thrilled to help.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

He won't change. A man who hits you will not change and suddenly become a loving partner. Why are you letting him dictate your life, especially when you have family or other people to depend on? He "forces" you out and insists that you come back? Time for you to see an attorney AND a counselor, to find out why you insist on staying with an abuser and help you to see that he is not going to magically become a different person. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Annlea hit it right on the head....

But... do you want your son to see this as the way to treat a future partner?

He WILL learn by his father's example.... this is what he will be taught over and over, that it is ok to be abusive to others.

The thing you need first is COUNSELING....to see why you are so co-dependent and cannot see another life except the one you are in.

Get yourself and your son OUT of that situation... fast!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

If you can not leave him for yourself you still need to get your child out of that house. Do you want you son to grow up to be just like his Daddy? Because if you stay that is exactly what will happen.

Call your local domestic violence safe house and speak to one of their counselors, sooner rather then later.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


Welcome to mamapedia!!

So from the time you dated this "man" (and I use that word loosely) he's been verbally abusive and hits you. And you aren't ready to divorce him?

What do you want to happen? Really.
IF you honestly think you can "fix" him....you can't. I'm sorry. But any change that he does - will be because HE wants the change...not because you said "please"..

I do NOT advocate divorce. However, I have lately in responses to some posts....

Please tell me what's keeping you in this marriage. Please tell me WHY you married him in the first place. I don't get it. Did you not think you deserved better?

You freely admit you are co-dependent. How are you going to change that? Are you willing to go to a therapist and find your inner strength so you CAN leave? So you CAN do this on your own?

You ARE worthy of being treated better. Unfortunately, I don't think your husband is "man" enough to change. Please find a battered W.'s shelter in your area. Go to them WITH YOUR SON...and get the help you need...

Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

You can't change other people. Only yourself. Waiting for him to change is like waiting for the Earth to stop spinning. Out of your control and not gonna happen.

Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is how you treat women? That this is what a healthy relationship looks like?

It's time to leave. For good. For yourself and your son.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Please leave. You have a responsibility to your child to show him what a healthy relationship looks like. Do you want him to grow up to be an abuser? Whether or not you are ready to be strong for yourself, you can be strong for your child. Please leave NOW. Contact a women's shelter and an attorney.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

He won't change.
You need to GET emotionally ready to leave.
And learn how to leave safely.
Call a women's shelter.
They will help.
Get strong. For your son. He should motivate you to do better for his sake.
Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

Your husband is immature. I don't mean that in an insulting way, I mean it, he is immature. It is his parents fault. They allowed him to turn out that way and the allow him to carry on that way in their home and with their grandson.

You have to find a way to make him grow up. Often, that means tough love.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

He is not going to change, except for the worse. Will you leave when he hits your son? Because that's what's coming if you stay.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Amarillo on

Are you afraid to live by yourself? Do you think having a man to be in your life is this important to cause you and your child distress? Do you enjoy banging your head against the brick wall hoping for a change and only getting another headache? Do you have a job? Do you command respect from this man? How much do you love yourself?

These are questions you must answer candidately in order to survive. You have to take a stand and it is for your son and you. Your husband does not come into consideration.

Stop trying to live the fairytale and live in reality that you have an abusive husband. This man will not stop as he wants to control every aspect of your life and you have let him. It is time to grow some balls and get on some big girl panties and move on with your life.

May you soon see the light and make the move and NOT return to this man. He is no good for you. You have seen no change in eight years and you when you 65 you will be in the same place in life.

Time to get out and live your life your way.

the other S.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Beaumont on

I have to agree. You have to leave. It's not healthy for you or your son. Make a plan. Gather strength from friends or family. I am so sorry. I know it's got to be hard but there is a better life waiting for you both. Praying for you...

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Colorado Springs on

You hope your husband will change. Are you saying you're hoping he himself will decide to change, or that you're hoping you will get him to change?

People generally don't want to change the way they are unless they're forced to. And they, not anyone else, have to decide to do it. You can't get him to change any more than he can get you to change. Meanwhile, you're living in fear and your son is living both in danger and in a good way of thinking his daddy's way is the way daddies *should* be.

I can understand that you wouldn't know what would be down the road for you. I'd venture to say the first thing down the road is being sure you have a permanent other home, and the next thing (or switch the two around) is to see a counselor as soon as possible to help you to sort out your emotions and lay a path for your tomorrows. Keep the attorney's business card, too; you may not be emotionally ready for a divorce, but you may be ready for a legal separation in order to protect your son from his dad in the future.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

He will not change. Get a divorce! Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Cincinnati on

There's not much that you can do until you realize that walking away from him for good might be the only answer, and you aren't ready to do that.

You could talk to him about going to marriage counseling and that could work-IF he attends, but something tells me that he may not go for that.

He is abusive towards you, but is he towards your son? If he isn't, that doesn't mean he won't be in the future. This isn't about you, this is about your son as well. You need to think about him and put him first.

You made the first stop by seeing an attorney, talk to your attorney again and see what your options are, where could you go after the divorce because you'll need help.

You need to also know and realize and accept. This isn't your fault. Your husband needs help. He is not going to change without it.

I was abused as a child. I know my dad was verbally abusive towards my mom but I don't know if he ever hit her, but he did hit my sisters and I. This went on for years until I said something to a counselor when I was in grade school and Children Services was called in. That was the turning point. Did things instantly get better? No. But it was a start and it was gradual at first with a few flare ups but it ultimately stopped. I always felt guilty for being the one to get Children Services involved but now I actually have a relationship with my dad, whereas before I didn't. I don't hate him, I understand him and why he is the way he is-he was also abused as a child, and his dad was as well etc. It's a vicious circle that needs to be stopped. Maybe you are the person that can put a stop to it once and for all



answers from San Francisco on

You already know our collective opinion - you need to get out of this relationship ASAP. I know you can't see a life beyond what you have now, but that's because your perspective is blurred.

You really have it easier than most. You live in YOUR parents in-law house. Your parents can evict him - plain and simple. I don't understand why they didn't do that when he kicked you and the baby out of the house.

Have your parents evict him and then move forward with the divorce. If he hits you, call the police. He will have a hard time in divorce court if you have documentation of domestic violence.

You are not living a "life;" you are simply existing. There is much more out there for you but it's up to you to go after it.



answers from Houston on

My opinion? You complicated the crazy by having his baby. Now, you couldn't get a clean break if you tried. You have to consider co-parenting with him and sending your child to stay with him while you are at your own home. Do not have any additional children with him.

You definitely need psychological therapy so you can get yourself together. Talk to a lawyer to figure out your legal options.

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