Need Your Honnest Opinions

Updated on August 10, 2013
S.T. asks from North Babylon, NY
25 answers

My dear moms, i have a lot of struggle in my life lately and i beg you for some piece of advice. I am married with a toddler. Not happy in my marriage. My dh wants to control me financially, emotionally ....he even got physical a couple of time. So i am in a marriage devoid of love and affection. I am currently on antidepressants which makes everything more easy but i 'm not going to be on them for a lifetime and the fustration, anxiety and depression will return if i am in the same situation. In all this mess i started to have feeling towards another man. He is divorced, no children, he is kind, sweet and it sends me a all the signals he likes me. But he respects me, never has said anything unappropriate. I catch him staring at me, we talk and the emotional connection is great. He is older, wiser and i feel so safe with him. Now what should i do? I have still have some feelings left for my husband, but i don't know how can i live like this.....also this new guy, he is amazing and most of all we seem to to have so many things in common. Thank you ladies!!!

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answers from Seattle on

I'll lay $50 on the table that he's also abusive.

Because those of us who fall for abusive men... Fall for abusive men.

Hint: abusive men are attracted to "hot mess" women. Victims. Targets. Easily manipulated by even a LITTLE but of kindness, much less actual decency. So desperate. So appreciative of crumbs. So eager to please. So easy to break.

Want to repeat your current situation? Dive immediately into a new relationship, commit adultery, turn the drama settings on High, and get ready for 2nd verse...same as the first.





Want normal? Get normal. Stop being a victim. File for divorce. Be self supporting. Be the healthy rock star version of you. Instead of the desperate-trapped-in-an-abusive-marriage-victim-ripe-for-plucking version of you.

If he's ACTUALLY a good guy... Then he'll be fine waiting a couple years as a friend, while you get healthy, because he won't be attracted to the victim, but to you. The odds are against it, though.

Which is rough. I know. But actually worth it.


Groucho Marx : Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.


Tell me about this girl your met!

Well. She's married. Hs awful self esteem. Is super depressed. On the rebound. Puts up with being hit and bossed around.


As opposed to:

She's a sing mom. Been divorced a few years. Really strong, self supporting, amazing / clever/ charming/ kind/ strong.


34 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

Do 2 things today. They are small so they shouldn't be overwhelming.

1. Call and make an appointment with a therapist.

2. Call and make an appointment for birth control.

The first thing you want to do is get some support established to help you figure out how to get yourself mentally healthy and the LAST thing you want to do is get pregnant.

As soon as your husband gets whiff that you are thinking about leaving he will try to knock you up and quick. It bonds you to him a bit more... makes it harder for you to function independently. So, DON'T LET IT HAPPEN. If you can do an IUD or something semi-permanent that he can't mess with, that would be ideal.

I agree with everything else everyone had to say. Don't get involved with someone else until you are on your own and stable... mentally, physically and financially.

Do you have a job? I guess #3 would be to start looking for a job.

Good luck.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


Welcome to mamapedia!!

First thing you need to do is leave your husband. TODAY. Pick up your suitcase, fill it with your essentials, pack on for your child and leave. Go to a W.'s shelter or family member. If he tracks you down and "swears" he will change or tells you "you can't make it without me" - you can tell him the ONLY way you are going back is IF he goes to anger management classes as well as marriage counseling. And you won't go back until he has done at LEAST six months of these....

If he hits you again. Call the police and file charges. Then you need to divorce him.

If you are on antidepressants - I would hope that you are talking with a counselor as well. You need to learn how to make better choices. You need to learn how to stand up for yourself. You need to make sure that you understand what went wrong. You do NOT want to find yourself in this same situation again....those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it...

Next thing you need to do? DO NOTHING with this other man. I don't know where you met him, how you met him - but you are playing with fire. And YOU WILL get burned.

If you believe this other man is all that and a bag of chips? Divorce your husband TODAY. Go find a lawyer and divorce him. PERIOD. Go six months to a year ON YOUR OWN - getting to know YOU without your husband and THEN try another relationship.

Do not roll your eyes at this. IF this man is worth it - he will wait it out. If he's not. Then HIS LOSS. You need to take care of YOU and your child.

Good luck to you!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I think the best advice is always to clean up O. mess before starting another.
Hopping to another man whole your marriage is unresolved is probably O. of the worst decisions you could make. But, if you want to multiply the struggles in your life--go ahead.
I'd never advocate staying with an abusive man.
But I'd also never advocate jumping from O. man to another.
You have a child.
You need to keep yourself and your child safe.
Talk to a women's shelter about preparing to leave and devising a SAFE plan to do so.
You need to plan financially, physically and emotionally to leave.
There are men out there that LOVE to "rescue" women.
That's not what you need.
You need to rescue yourself, be strong and put your child first.
If, in time, something comes if your feelings for this other man, address it then...after you're out, divorced and self sufficient.
Good luck!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I agree with ReverendRuby. You don't even know who YOU are anymore. You need to get out of your marriage and be by yourself for a while to get to really know yourself again and only then will you be ready to share yourself with someone else.

Going from your situation to another "romance" is the absolute worst thing you can do (aside from staying). Get out and find yourself and create a life for yourself and your child. You will be so happy and fulfilled - then are you ready for love!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

What Riley J said. You DON'T need another man. You need to contact a women's shelter and get help. A SAFE man isn't someone who's connecting with a MARRIED WOMAN. It doesn't matter that your marriage is abusive - if a man is scoping you out while you're married, he's not to be trusted.

Please do NOT jump into anything other than therapy and possibly a women's shelter. Get REAL help.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Uh huh. You know men can peg a woman who is vulnerable from a mile (or more) away...right? My money is on he's another jerk. After all, he's willing to flirt with a MARRIED woman and mother. Doesn't say much for his character does is? Sure, he's sweet now. I'm betting he's another version of your husband, just waiting to happened. He's divorced for a reason too, you know.

Forget the man. The WORST thing you can do, is jump into someone's arms. They are never knights in shining armor. Contact a domestic violence shelter. See what services they can offer you. You should safely find a way out, and divorce your husband.

On another note, do you really want to give your husband some grounds to fight for your child? If you do, then cheat. That will show a lot about you.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Reading on

If you decide to make a change, don't make a change for this man. Make the change for yourself. If you want to break up your marriage, do it independent of this man. If you can do that and the new man is still there, then move on with him. If you do it and he is no longer there, will you still be better off than where you are now? If you have a controlling, abusive husband and you don't wish to be controlled, then take control for yourself. Don't use this new man as a rescue from your old man.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boise on

Most people will say to back off from the new man. Most will say to clear your head and your life before getting involved with someone else. Most will say to get your finances and living arrangements in order, leave the husband, divorce, get on your own two feet and be dependent only on yourself before you even _glance_ at another man. These people are very smart and this is excellent advice for most people in your situation.

However, it wasn't like that for me. I was in an emotionally and slightly physical marriage, ran down mentally and in no way able to care for myself. I met my now husband in the middle of that mess. He was kind, sweet, loving, caring, a good listener, the best friend you could ask for. He helped me out of that horrible existence and we married a couple years later. I am the exception to the rule.

So, I would def. take a breather from any romantic relationships, and get out of where you are. You will see things more clear if you do. If your nice guy is still there, keep tabs and communication open but hold off on tying heart strings onto him.

Just my two-cents' worth. Best of luck and stay strong!!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

You should make a plan and leave your abusive husband. But plan it out. Don't just leave with only the kid and the clothes on your back. Work on obtaining money, get a P.O. Box, open a bank account, transfer half of the money in your joint checking and savings to your account....and then leave.

Do NOT, NOT, NOT get involved with this man. Honey, he knows you're married and he's still "sending you signals that he likes you?" No. Any man who behaves as if he would be willing to engage in an adulterous relationship with you is not worth the time of day.

You don't need a man right now. You need a safe place to go and you need to stay OUT of relationships until you get some professional therapy. Often, abused women will run from their abuser straight into the arms of another abuser (because abusive men often disguise themselves as rescuers!). You need to disengage from all relationships and work on what it is about YOU that is causing you to choose unhealthy relationships.

Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

I don't think it's ever a good idea to leave one person for another, and the reason for that is this..In life, I believe we surround ourselves with people who nurture our inner belief system about ourselves (positive and negative) .. Therefore, before you get into a NEW relationship, I think it's VERY important to figure out why you were in the old.. .I think if you haven't changed on the inside and figured out what it is that has attracted you to certain types of people in your life, then ultimately, you will find yourself in a similar situation. Also consider this. AS nice as the new guy might seem, he knows you are married... He should NOT be sending you any types of signals and if he does that to you as a married woman, what's to say that down the road assuming you were with him, he then wouldn't turn around and do it to someone else and play you...
Again, if you want out of the relationship with your husband and you don't want to attract that type of person again, it will take some changing on your part.. these things don't have as miracles, we have to work on who we are as people..

It's been my own personal experience life that for years I attracted takers..... to that I will say, for every taker there is a giver and I was a huge giver. .to the point of being a doormat.. I can say that now.. whereas before, I saw myself as the victim and didn't think I had any control over the messes in my life.. Well, once I joined a 12 step program, I began to see that I was the one creating a lot of my life drama. I was the one teaching people how to treat me.. Once I realized I had some true power in my situation, I began to work the steps and with it, started to clean out my friendships. (even one that I had for over 20 years) <<< that was my most toxic, but being blind to the situation for many years, it was the one I devoted most of my time and energy... now, I no longer put any energy into that person. I used to think that others had to change... then I realized that I was the one who had to change. once I did that.. I no longer hung out with those other people..

you have more control here than you think.. but work first on you.... once you do that, things will eventually fall into place..a new relationship will not heal things.... it tends to only mask problems for awhile..

good luck to you

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I think I'm in love with Riley J.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

You don't need a new man. You need a therapist to help you figure out how to be YOU. Please find one.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Charleston on

First I'll say, the grass is always greener on the other side. Please don't make any advances in the relationship with the other guy until you figure out what you want from your husband. It has always seemed sketchy to me that anyone would go after a married person. It doesn't speak very well of their morals in my opinion...

However, you do not deserve to be treated the way you've stated your husband has toward you. He obviously needs help, and you both need counseling - a professional who can help you figure out what is best for both of you. If that means divorcing, then you can figure that out through counseling.

Your husband has to be willing to change, and that is usually a very tough thing to do. He needs anger management for sure. If you still have feelings toward him, then you need to try to support him in changing IF HE WANTS TO! If he doesn't, then the writing is on the wall, and I'd get a good attorney. Life is too short to be miserable. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

Cannot add a single word to what Riley said. She is on the mark. As usual.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

He is abusive. He has screwed with your head enough that your concept of who you are is skewed. LEAVE HIM. Find a shelter, find a counselor, get your head straight, get a job -- any job. Become strong and self supporting ---- then and only then can you start looking for a man to share your life with.

This older man is not a good idea. You are married - he is flirting -- not a good thing.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dover on

Forget about this other man, at least for now.

You have to take care of you and your child first. That includes addressing the issues in your marriage (even it that means ending it). You need to reach out to seek help for domestic violence (controlling you financially and emotionally is abusive as is getting physical "a couple of times"). Get the help and counseling you need.

Do NOT make your situation worse by getting involved with another man. Get yourself together. Down the road, when you are strong and free, the right man may come along (but if he's seeking you now while you are weak and not available, he is not "the right man").

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

You NEVER start another relationship while still in one. He seems great because you are unhappy in your marriage. You don't really know this man or how he will treat you.

Personally I feel anyone who persues(sp) a married person is NOT worth having. They don't respect boundaries and wouldn't respect them in your relationship with them.

If you are that unhappy in your marriage, you need to leave it. I also suggest counseling. You do not need to start anything with anyone until you are in the proper state of mind.

You need to live for your child and yourself, not for relationships.
Getting with this man would be cheating and you would be wrong.

Good Luck.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

If you leave your husband, it needs to be because you need to leave him, not because there's a new toy to play with.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

You need to grow up, get out of the marriage you are in or get in counseling to get it fixed and working again.

A man who is interested in you wants a complete person, not one healing from a bad relationship. You need to decide what you want to do in your marriage then get out and have an adult life on your own. When you start dating again you'll be whole and complete, not a messy holey person that is jello on the inside, jumping at the slightest sound, stressing out if you don't do something exactly like you think "he" would want.

You want to be able to stand on your own two feet and be a complete happy person that is capable and able to take care of yourself. Until you have gone through your divorce and then held down a job so you can support yourself and your child you aren't really ready to be in any sort of relationship. You would simply be bringing your baggage into a new relationship to another man. That's not fair to him and it will undermine any hope of having a healthy long term relationship with him too.

If you don't have a job or any sort of personal income you need to go get a job now, if your hubby decides to go for full custody and says that you are financially unable to support the children then he'll get custody and you'll get to pay child support and possibly spousal support. It is happening all the time now.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Do NOT get into another relationship until you deal with the issues in your current one. Get yourself into therapy, NOW, and figure out how to take care of yourself and your child. If divorce needs to happen so be it, but getting involved with another man at this point will make an even bigger mess of your life, and would be incredibly confusing and unfair to your child.
And so what if this other man is kind and sweet? Obviously your husband was at some point too, and look where you are now.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult situation. My heart goes out to you. It seems there are many separate issues that have contributed to your coming to this point. It seems to me that you and your husband need to get to counseling ASAP. Your marriage needs love and affection to survive. The control issues your husband has need to be addressed immediately also. The physical control scares me. Your husband is obviously not dealing appropriately with his discouragement. I have been in a similar situation. As for the other man, don't go there, please. When a marriage is unhealthy, it affects both partners. You spoke of depression, etc. You and your husband need to get healthy first, whether you stay together or not. Having said that, I would also say to EVERYONE, do everything possible to save your marriage. The grass is always greener on the other side. Divorce carries very long term consequences. You and your child will have to deal with divorce the rest of your lives... The reason why I don't mention your husband here is because women carry the social stigmas associated with divorce more than men. Women usually get blamed by society. Believe me, I have. I'm sure this is probably not what you want to hear. Again, I'm so sorry your in such a situation. As I read your post again, I noticed that you devoted more words to the other man situation than to your marriage and especially your child. I understand that thinking about the possibility of a happy relationship helps to bring your mood up some, but it is no different than an antidepressant drug. You indicate that you don't want to take them forever. Having an affair (even an emotional one) or leaving your husband for another man has forever consequences. Of those two choices, I hope you stay with your meds for a while and seek counseling, even if your husband won't.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

You know that old saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side"? If you still have feelings for your husband, you should work on fixing that situation first, before getting involved with someone else. If he got physical once, it will happen again and you need to seriously nip that in the bud right now. In the beginning everyone looks good, it takes time for the problems to surface (your friend was also divorced). Even if you divorce, you will still have to deal with your ex since you have a child together and that can be a nightmare. Realistically, we wind up doing what we want to do, you are really drawn to this new guy because he makes you feel good but be cautious and think of the consequences. If you have an affair and you stay in your marriage, will you feel comfortable keeping that a secret or will you tell your husband? You can wind up making your life very complicated.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

You should not leave your husband because you've met another man. You should leave him because he has physically abused you, more than once. You need to get out. Your depression and anxiety will not get better while you continue living with an abuser. This has nothing to do with meeting someone else. Don't put yourself in the position of being dependent on a man to ride in to your rescue. Rescue yourself. Depend on friends and family if you have them. If you are suffering from anxiety, depression and are traumatized from being abused by your husband, you are in no position to enter a new relationship. I hope that you will find some help - family, counseling, a shelter. A man will NEVER solve all of your problems.



answers from New York on

You need to be strong! You're raising a child to see you put down and abused. If you can't do it for you, do it for the babe. If a new man comes along and is willing to treat you with the respect you deserve, there is nothing wrong with wanting that person. If I were you, I'd leave your husband and try to get some counseling so that the separation is easier for you. There are so many programs out there to help women who have children if finances are a problem. I know it seems easy to say, but so hard to do, but other women have done it and you can too.

"We can let dissatisfaction gnaw away at our spirits, assuming it’s too late to create life as we want to experience it; or we can live powerfully in the now, choosing every day to do something that makes us feel fulfilled."

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