Issues in My Marriage

Updated on January 14, 2014
R.M. asks from Randallstown, MD
17 answers

We are a young married couple in our mid 20s. We have a 3 yo. Dh is not a very calm person,never has been. On the contrary, he gets irritated very easily. He can say very hurtful words and become verbally agressive. He has a strange habit: each time we have a fight he calls his mil, my mother,right there in the middle of the fight. He starts complaining to her: your daughter is like this, has done x, y...I don't know why he does it,maybe to humiliate me. These phone calls have a negative impact on my relationship with my mother. I am angry with her because I think she just can hang up. My son is sooo attached to his dad. We both work full time, so he gets to see us the same amount of time.but it's like: daddy changes the clothes, daddy plays with is just heartbreaking. So here am I feeling lonely and angry. Dh has hit me in the past and it never has again until last week when in the middle of a fight he pushed me against the wall. I do not see any solution for this. I know that he will not change over night, but I cannot divorce him. I just can't handle it emotionally. I left in the past and always got back. So what can I do?

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So What Happened?

Thank you very much for your answers! @Jim your advise, coming from a man is even more reassuring I have a lot of thinking to do.

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answers from Portland on

Take one step at a time. First step is to talk with a counselor at a women's shelter. Talk about what is going on. Talking with a counselor does not mean you have to leave him. Make that decision later. Just talk is step one.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Rochester on

you need to read the book boundaries in marriage!! My hubby was a bit verbally abusive and out marriage counselor recommended it. My hubby supposedly sees the light and had bee a bit better. For my husband it was about about taking responsibility for being the person he is. He has learned to say that he was not a good person. It was the best for me!! for me it was about being my own person and taking back the control of my life!!! I stopped letting him be abusive!!

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from Chicago on

Could be that your son is picking daddy over you because he feels that you cannot protect him from daddy. He is aligning with him to avoid his anger because he sees how the anger hurts you. You need to get him out of this environment now.

If you don't feel you can leave now then start small. Just a phone call from a safe phone line to a shelter for info or a therapist . You can even use an anonymous name at first to call. Then get/save money.....and so on.

You need help from a third party.... Shelter, therapist, police. At first leaving the abuser "feels" wrong so you cannot trust your emotional compass for awhile. But you can trust your intelligence. You "know" something is wrong and you reached out. Go with what you " know" to be true. Just the facts, not your feelings. They are betraying you right now.

You can do it.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Call a shelter now and start getting your ducks in a row. He is abusive. If you don't leave, your son will probably either end up being abused by him and/or become a man like him. The shelter will help you make an exit plan. Do not tell him anything.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hear you saying that you cannot divorce him. It's a scary thought. So don't jump straight to that. Give yourself some time to sort out what is going on. But DO understand that changes need to come, and in as timely a fashion as possible. If you can afford counseling, start there, was a therapist well trained in domestic violence. That will do wonders to help you sort out your feelings and help you figure out the direction you need to take.

If you can't do that, please at least call a shelter or hotline and speak with someone. Again, this can help you develop some sort of plan of action and keep you safe. Do NOT tell hubby any of this. You need to have an emergency plan in place should he become violent again. And you need to start thinking about what you can and should do. You are so much stronger than you realize. You are in the grips of fear right now, and feel helpless. But you are not. But I get that you will need some support and straightening out of things before you can make some important decisions. Give yourself the permission to take the time that you need while planning things out.

FYI, the number one tool that abusers use is isolation. The reason he calls your mom is to create a distance between you and her- to isolate you from her- and it's working. Ask your mom to hang up in the future, but it sounds like she may not be prepared to be in the middle of this issue. Be strong for yourself and for your son.

Good luck, please keep us posted. And please take this seriously. God bless you and your son.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

What kind of man do you want you son to grow up to be? Do you want him to be a kind and patient man? Do you want him to be the kind of man who hits his wife and tries to humiliate her to her family? Children model what they are taught at home. If he sees you pull yourself up and get out of an abusive relationship, he will learn from that as well. Think about it, and think about calling your local domestic violence hotline.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Talk to a womens shelter and make your escape plan - then DO IT.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

if you continue to put up with it, it will continue to happen.
sorry, but looking for a magic potion that will allow your marriage to an angry abuser be happy is disneyland thinking.
if you 'cannot' leave for you, think about the grim fact that you are allowing your little boy to be molded into an angry abuser.
annlea is right. you are stronger than you think. you're just beaten down.
rise up.
ETA i am flummoxed and horrified that someone is suggesting that you cope with violence by being more compliant in bed, and 'honoring god' by sexual submission and service. :(

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Contact an attorney. Make a plan. Move on. You deserve to be treated better.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from New London on

Your stronger then you think. You CAN you just WON'T. Two big differences. Divorce is your only answer. Divorce is the only thing that will make you happy eventually. Your only teaching your son that it's okay to treat women that way. Do you want that?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Erie on

Everyone (except Donna) here gave great advice. My question to you is, are you going to wait until he hits your son? or hits you in front of your son? or hits you hard enough to send you to the hospital, in which case you can't take care of your son for a while? or hits you hard enough that he kills you and then you won't be around to raise your son? What, exactly, is your bottom line?

My bottom line would have been the very first time he even raised a hand to hit me, he would have felt the back side of one of my cast iron frying pans first. By staying, you are teaching your son that this is the right way to treat a woman. These women (and Jim) here gave you awesome advice on how to leave, but you have to decide when.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

If he's physically violent and you can't bring yourself to leave, then get prepared for your son to become physical with you as well as he gets older, as well as for your son to treat the women in his life the same way he sees your husband treat you. You're teaching him that this is acceptable.

And please don't sit there trying to figure out what "needs" of his aren't being met that is causing him to hit you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

8 ways to be God's follower:

Listen to your intuition
Listen to your feelings
Believe that you are stronger than you think
Believe that you are bigger than your circumstances
Believe that violence is never the solution
Believe that we are worthy of love
Beleive that you have all the right answers
Believe that we are responsible for our needs, and no one else is.

We are much bigger than just meeting/serving the needs of others.


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Hi, R.:

Conflict happens when needs aren't being met.
His needs aren't being met and your needs aren't being met.
You say you have a 3 year old. Have you heard about mothers who love their son and leave out the husband once the child is born?
"Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out."

Eight ways to be God's lover to your husband.
Revise your vows.
Offer your body as a gift.
Mentally shift into sexual gear.
Admire him.
Nurture your sexual feelings.
Touch him in a sexual way.
Ignite passion.
Commit to romance.

These are 8 ways to honor God and serve your husband in bed.

Good luck.


answers from Omaha on

Situations like this only get worse. Get out now, before it's too late and before you have any more kids. You're so young. Don't let him take the best years of your life. Don't let your son grow up in an abusive household. He will grown up and treat his wife the way your husband is treating you. Break the cycle.



answers from Dallas on

I just got out of a relationship like this. It is abusive, and the longer you stay the more your son will learn that it is acceptable to treat people like this, and one day he will be the one verbally/physically abusing YOU. I would suggest you read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will open your eyes to how toxic this is and to stop making excuses for your husband. The sooner you figure it out the better it will be for you and your son. Take care!!

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