I Returned to My Husband

Updated on June 25, 2013
D.C. asks from Jamaica, NY
25 answers

Hi everyone! For those who don't know I left my husband because he was verbally and physically abusive.
I week ago I returned because I felt so miserable...I just could'nt take it anymore. He said he will take my son, he said that he will win the custody as I am crazy (i have anxiety issues and depression). I felt so lonely that I had to come back.
I know the situation in my home will not improve, but I'm just to scared to start over again on my own.
I was raised in an abusive family...my father was an alchoolic and a cheater. I witnessed my mother' s struggle.I remember Christmas time was the most painful. It was just my mother and I and she was so depressed! I had a pretty sad childhood maybe that is why I am now so hunger for love, for affection. I want to be loved and respected, is this impossible? My mother always says that I am not mature enough for my age (30),that there are not good men out there, that real love does not exist. Is this true? Are you happy in your marriage? I have not been happy in my marriage for a long time: I have to obey, to never upset him, to beg love....but loneliness is much harder. I really don't know what to do...I keep having these issues when I should concentrate on my son right now.

What can I do next?

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answers from Chicago on

Real love exists, and lots of men worship the ground their wives walk on. My hubby will do almost anything for me. Life is too short to not strive for happiness and a real chance at joy.

6 moms found this helpful

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answers from Cleveland on

My father was abusive. My first husband was abusive. (I could tell you stories that would shock you.) I finally realized that this wasn't good for me or for my child. So I started hiding money. I would go to the grocery store, write a check for a few dollars more and then pocket the money. I had a purse in my closet that I would hide the money in.

One day, he hit me and I decided to fight back. Three days later he told me he "couldn't handle" me any more and wanted a divorce. I said ok and he moved in with one of his girlfriends that day. I wasn't sure how I was going to get by, but I knew I was better off. I also didn't think I would ever find someone who loved me and didn't hurt me...besides, I was damaged goods.

I couldn't have been more wrong. I found my husband. He is the most wonderful, loving and caring man you could ever imagine. He would never even think of hurting me. Ever.

My point is, there are good men out there that will love you for you are and would never hurt you. But you have to love yourself first. You need to become the strong independent woman that you are deep down inside. He won't get custody of your child. The courts prefer the child stay with the mother unless there is something major to keep the child away. Anxiety and depression are not reasons.

Get a lawyer and get out. Contact a women's shelter. Get help from friends and family that you trust. Just get out!

23 moms found this helpful


answers from Albany on

Ok, D., listen to me. We need to talk.

Your mother is WRONG. On so many levels.

No idea what she thinks "maturity" has anything to do with your situation. Nonetheless, you ARE GOOD enough. You are allowed to have a decent life.

There is nothing about you that disqualifies you from the right to happiness.

She is WRONG about marriage just being miserable across the board and that all or even most men are like this. Marriage can be rich and beautiful and rewarding in both the love you give and the love you get. And there are wonderful men everywhere.

You deserve a chance at that.

But first, you need to value yourself. First you need realize you are a quality person, you have much to offer, you are WORTH something.

Ok? You are not your mother. You are better than this. Once you realize YOU ARE GOOD, then you'll know just what to do.


15 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

No sister, it's not impossible to find a relationship that provides reciprocal love and respect. You deserve love, affection, and respect. Your child also deserves to see his mama receive those things, as he deserves it himself.

I can understand returning to an abusive relationship. It's a normal step towards recovery. Most people have to leave a few times before it really sticks. It's difficult and scary leaving, I know that.

You need support D., so that you can build the life you want and deserve. I know that resources (financial, social, and emotional) are too finite and that it really is that hard. I don't think you're exaggerating. I've seen a lot of folks benefit from accessing DV advocacy. Are you plugged into your community resources? In my city, we have a really amazing agency that provides legal and emotional advocacy. Perhaps there is something similar in your city? If so, you might consider checking if there is a support group available. Also ask the agency about creating a safety plan and ask if they can recommend a lawyer. Here, we have a few law firms that will create payment plans and are sliding scale. Many will meet for a free consultation as well.

I think the trick is to plan ahead. Get your ducks in a row and do so very, very stealthily. Make copies of all financial documents while husband is at work. Pack IDs, documents, medications, records, and a couple pairs of clothes and hide them in a safe location away from your home. Reach out and get connected with a social network so that when the loneliness hits next time, you have proper support. It takes a long time to heal and it's challenging, but it's worth it and so are you.

You are strong and you are valuable. Don't give up on yourself, okay?
Sending one million hugs.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I am going to make my recommendation in the most positive terms I can.

You left once. That's great. That shows that you're a smart, capable woman with great judgment, and that you're a wonderful mom. Now you need to leave again. And this time leave for good.

D., you have been told since Day 1 that you do not have self-worth. You have been made to feel that you're only valuable if you're in a relationship. It sounds like you never got much affection, and you never witnessed a woman standing up for herself. So it's understandable that you are where you are now. You deserve a world of empathy. But please, take it from absolutely every mom on this site (and that's a LOT of people), life can be soooo much better than it's been for you.

I suspect that some brave little part of you already knows all this. And we all know you can do it. We're all rooting for you. This time, all you need to do is set things up so you don't feel so alone. Make sure you're in counseling. Make sure you have a support group. If you're thinking of going back, post something to this board FIRST, and we'll talk you out of it.

So, leave again. Today. You did it once, you know how it's done. We all believe in you.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Salinas on

You are listening to the two most toxic people in your life. They do not want happiness for you, they do not want you to find strength. They want you to stay where you are and be degraded and abused for the rest of your life.

Your Mother failed you, she could not find the strength to get you to a safe place to experience a healthy childhood. You may very well be immature for your age but you're not stupid. You know what's happening to you and your son is wrong. You are the only one that can do anything about it. Sometimes we have to survive a trial by fire to get to the good places in life. You need to learn to depend on yourself so you can teach your son how to be a survivor. Be his hero now before it's too late.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Milwaukee on

I belong to a Facebook page where a photographer takes pictures of people he sees around New York and then puts a quote with their pic and posts on Facebook. The one today had this quote with the pic of a man.

"I'm a Brooklyn Assistant D.A. I work on domestic violence cases-- many of them homicides. Some of the crime scenes are just gruesome. It's the same stuff soldiers see in a war. I see this stuff, I smell this stuff, it's hard to get out of your mind. And even when I win a case, it's hard to feel like I'm making a difference. It's a never-ending cycle of violence. The offenders are so likely to offend again. And the women are likely to go right back to them, or find themselves in a similar relationship. The work is so tough, and it feels like I'm not even making a dent."

I really wish you could see your worth and that it's ok to feel lonely sometimes if it means you are safe. Eventually you will have friends and things to do that will make you happy.

The thing that makes me feel the most worth in my life is to help others. Why not take what you know to help other women find a way out.

ETA - Sorry did not read before I posted - I see this was already posted.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on


Please don't stay. I was where you are. Don't believe his lies.

What are you teaching your child about relationships by staying with him?

Your mother is an idiot. Plain and simple. Real love DOES exist and God wants you to have it. Get out, work on your relationship with God, and find the love that He has for you.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

If I were you I'd seek out professional help ASAP. You have some important issues to work through. Please make the time for yourself to get the help you need. And I don't mean medication, necessarily, either. I mean a competent, qualified person to help you talk through your life and what has brought you to this point.

Please please please get help.

Good luck.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

your mom sounds like my mom. thing is they are abused unhealthy women (in regards to relationships) talking.

There are good men, there is happiness but more importantly you have to learn to be happy on your own and get help. you shouldnt NEED a man or someone else to make you happy. perhaps that was your moms error not realizing that. leave and get help for yourself. your son will grow up to be like his dad if if you have a daughter she will marry someone like him if not.

teach your children what a happy healthy homel;ife looks like even if its a divorced one. the court wont take away your child for having depression or anxiety, ecsepcially because it ay be caused form your husband. get him to threaten that in writing and present it to your legal help

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Huntington on

D., I am sorry for your struggle.
There are good men out there. My husband has never hit, pushed, or hurt me. He has never called me a bad name. We have our ups and downs, but never have I worried that he was going to hurt me and never have I had to beg for affection, walk on eggshells or worry that I was going to anger him.
I do think it was a big mistake to return. The great thing is that you can correct your mistake. You can turn right back around and leave today. If nothing else, I would get into some immediate therapy. You need to build up your self esteem and get some help so that you can be strong enough to not only move out of this abusive situation but not make the same mistake with the next dude that comes along.
By the way, I would say that at least 50% of the people I know have depression and anxiety issues. That does not make them (or me) crazy. You should be talking to your own attorney at this point for advice. Please get some help (therapy and legal help) asap. You can do this. Do it for your kid and do it for yourself.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

You need professional help and support to be the best mom you can be, and to get a good life for you and your child.

Your son will learn to be an abuser if you stay with this man because he is THE example of how a "man" behaves. Do you want that for your son? My sister stayed with a verbally and emotionally abusive man until her son was 16 - that son is not verbally abusive, but he has a warped view of some things because his only model was this warped man.

Contact a woman's shelter and find out how they can help you d owhat you need to take care of yourself. Therapy so you have the strength to do what is best and not just what is easy - because regardless of how bad it is with the abusive man you live with, it still seems "easier" to stay because the unknown is so terrifying. Remember how you felt as a child with the situation your mother stayed in - your son is LIVING THAT NOW.

Document everything your husband does that is abusive, every hit, anything that he does to you and/or your son - because if he hasn't hurt him yet, he probably will.

Anxiety and depression aren't crazy. And do you really think a lawyer will think it's ok that he's abusive? You need professionals on your side to advise you because listening to the ABUSER isn't going to help you at all.

Your mother is toxic. She should not be listened to. She stayed with an abusive man and you did not see how a HEALTHY woman is in a relationship. Stop listening to her, don't ask for her advice. She cannot give you good information. You may need to cut her out of your life (I did with mine) in order to have a healthy, happy life.

My home life was not easy either - my parents were very dysfunctional. But I got myself therapy when I graduated from college because I knew that damage had been done and I did not want to pay for THEIR problems for the rest of my life (I have my own to deal with LOL).

I have been married for 15 years, been with my husband for 18. He has NEVER hit me - ever. ADD - For Fathers Day, my husband posted on facebook that my gift to him was that I made being a father easy.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

You have got to get out. Get a lawyer.
You are teaching your son that it is not just OK, but expected to be an abuser. He is worth more than this!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I am so sorry that you felt like you had to return.

Your mother is wrong. There ARE good men out there and true love does exist. My hubby is a wonderful man and we have been completely and totally in love for over 20 years. He is supportive, compassionate, helpful and funny!

Change is always very hard. It seems impossible. But what I've learned is that nothing is impossible with hard work and dedication.

When I left my abusive relationship, I got in a car and drove to another state where I didn't know one single person! Talk about lonely! BUT for me, lonely was better than the alternative - staying in the abusive relationship. But I immediately got myself out there. I HAD to work and I was lucky in that I was able to secure employment within a couple of weeks. Looking for work and then going to work really helped with the loneliness.

I think you can do this IF you really want to. Don't spend your time thinking about what if and feeling like you lost something. Instead, concentrate full time on what you need to do to move forward and start thinking in terms of what you've gained - independence; safety; peace of mind! If you just take one or two baby steps each day toward moving on, you will be surprised how quickly you have made great strides.

Keep thinking about it. Get yourself into the right frame of mind and then do it again. And DO NOT listen to his threats. That's all they are. The courts will NOT take your child because you have issues - as long as you are getting treatment/are on meds, it will be fine. Your hubs knows that that's your weakness so he tries to exploit it. Don't listen to him. If you want to listen to anyone, find a lawyer and listen to him/her.

It's all in your frame of mind. Start working on that now and you will find the strength to leave again!

Hugs and support to you!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

Therapy would really help you find your own self worth and strengths--you can't get those things from a man.
Yes, I am very happily married for 15* years.
I don't fear my husband.
We respect and love each other. Your mother is wrong.
Your relationship sounds controlling/abusive on his part and enabling/powerless on yours. Very sad.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I urge you to rethink this. YOU CAN do it. I did it, lots of women here did it. It took me several tries, but I did it, remarried and now have been married eighteen years to hubby. You saying loneliness is harder? It sounds like drug withdrawal. You need to learn what actual loneliness is and what being addicted to another human being is. Life IS exciting with nasty horrible abusive partners.Never know what will happen from the highs to the lows. But good love, real love well... If you left, and married someone nice, it could be on the boring side. AND that is wonderful and peaceful.Do you see what I am saying? do you think living like this is giving you love and affection? Open the door and find out what that really is. I'm so sad now. Praying for you. For you. You deserve better than this.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

It sounds like you have not had anyone on your side to suport your desition to leave and that's why you felt you had not choice but to go back. It does not matter if you have medical issues that does not mean they would take your son they would have to prove you are unfit and snxiety and depression does not make you unfit. You grew up in an abusive home and not you are making your son do the same thing and he will grow up thinking that it's ok and normal for that to go on. I am not trying to sound mean but you should not have gone back and I would leave and get an atterny and a councilor and work on yourself and also see what legal recorses you have to keep him from taking your son.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

Yes, I'm very, very happy in my marriage. Yes, there are good men out there. Real love DOES exist. DON'T SETTLE for anything less. You are worthy of good, real love, D.! But *you* have to do this for yourself. You have to gain some confidence and see your own value. To do that, you have to actually *like* yourself. You have to believe in your self, believe that you have something real and tangible to offer someone else. If you suffer from depression, address it. There is no shame in taking prescribed medication for depression. I personally think that you need to start focusing on yourself first and foremost. Work on your confidence, tackle the depression ... then you will have the strength to do what you must do. Go for and live the life that you want. You can do this. ((hugs))

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Does it matter if I am happy in my marriage...really? I've been where you are - though, thank God, before I had children. The first step is to realize there are worse things than being without a man. Being abused is one of them. So is raising a child in an environment where he will either learn to be an abuser or that he "deserves" to be abused.

I know it's probably dangerous for a woman to leave such a man - usually more dangerous than to stay - but you managed it once, you can do it again. You know how.

Loneliness will pass, and there will be a point in your life when having a man won't matter. Once you are to that place emotionally, then you are ready to date, because if a man you are dating does not treat you with respect, you'll end it. You CAN be that empowered. Give yourself a chance.

Don't internalize that you aren't worth it or that you "let" this happen. Some people are assholes - and we don't "allow" them to mistreat us - they just do and will, given the chance, mistreat anyone who tries to love them.

Please talk to the folks at your local Safehouse and get a lawyer. Good luck to you!


4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I agree with Angela. If you can't afford help, go to a church and see out advice on low cost/free counseling. Also, call your local Junior League. They often sponsor safe houses and can refer you to someone you can talk to about not only your past but your future.

You are lucky, you live in NYC - there are SO MANY options for you. Please take advantage of some of them. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Wausau on

Your son will follow in the footsteps of his parents and be an abuser or a victim.

Is that what you want?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

So sad for you. Extra sad for your son since he's going to learn to be an abuser as he grows up. Too bad your bully husband figured out how to manipulate you into coming home. He would not get custody.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Talk to someone SOON! Whether you can find a counselor or if you attend church, talk to your pastor/elder about what is going on. I would talk to an attorney too (many do free consults) and ask the professional about your husband saying he would get custody because of your anxiety and depression.
NO ONE deserves to be abused in any form and you've already stated that you know the situation will not improve so there is no need to stay and suffer.
What your mother says is likely due to her own struggles with your father and their marriage. It's not impossible to be loved and respected. It's finding the right person to give you those things that you can give in return. There are good men out there and real love does exist. I've been married just over 10 years to a wonderful man that treats me better than I feel I deserve.
I suffer from anxiety and depression myself and once had to spend a short stay at a mental institution because I couldn't handle what was going on in my life. I was on medications and went to counseling and felt great! It's been just over 3 years since that and I don't need the medications and have coping skills I've learned that help me when I struggle.
I hope you will at least talk to someone and soon. It's helpful to be able to express how you feel, not be blamed and be validated in your feelings. This may even give you the strength to leave and start over.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

You say loneliness is so much harder but for me I've never been as lonely as when I've been with the wrong person. When you are single at least you have hope. Sorry to say but your marriage sounds a hopeless one for not just you and your husband, but for your son as well. This isn't your fault. You have tried your best. You have done more to make your marriage work than you should have. A good marriage is so much easier than what you have put yourself through. Even if you stayed with your husband, this isn't a healthy marriage.

I get the feeling both your mother and your husband have mentally destroyed you into the shadow of the person you deserve to be. I have had this type of torture in 2 relationships and I urge you to please leave him if you can. The strength you had to leave him the first time must surely be there again? Please try and find it, fast.

Imagine what regrets you may have when in years to come you look back on your life. I gaurentee the main one will be that you didn't leave your husband sooner or that you never left him at all.

Please find some strength and live the life you deserve. Make your son proud. The very best of luck xx

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

More then likely your anxiety and depression issues are caused by the situation you are in. Find a doctor and lawyer to help you show this and get out. You are teaching your son it is ok to treat woman this way. You need to teach him to respect woman by respecting yourself. Do not let your husband bully you into thinking you can do this on your own and that he can take your child. I am praying for you!

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