I Desperately Need Advice!!! Please Help!!!

Updated on March 14, 2013
A.A. asks from Edgewater, FL
26 answers

Hi! I am 27 and have been married for 2 years (we've been together for 7 years). We a have a 9 months little boy.
My husband looks like the perfect man from outside: he has a well-paid job, he is loyal ( I am absolutely sure he did not cheat on me),
he's the in-door type, doesn't go out with his friends.
But, he has rage issues. When he get's mad he just cannot control himself: he yells at me, calls me names, and he even hits me. Not with his fists it's true, but he pulls my hair, he grabs my neck, my arms and he leaves bruises, not only on my skin, but also on my soul.
These episodes happen every time he is upset, when we have disagreements, when I don't want to do want he wants me to.
My mother tells me that I am also to blame because I cannot keep my mouth shut when he is mad. It's true, I really cannot understand my reactions: I am terrified with fear, but I also yell at him, insult him. I know I should remain calm, but I simply can't. I also had an abusive father, maybe this is the problem.
I don't know, but I am desperate. My son will soon understand what's going on I don't want to hurt him. He is the most important for me, I want to offer him a family, but not like this:(
I don't know what I can do. I am seriously thinking of going to a counselor together with my husband. He says he loves me, he regrets his violent reactions but I don't know how I can go on like this.
Sometimes I remain calm when he reacts violently. He yells, breaks things, but after 10 minutes he's all calm down.
So, I blame myself every time I confront him, but I'm not perfect, I have nerves too, I have bad moods too...
Just an example for you to make an idea: Christmas Eve, we are at home with my in-laws (thank God they are not living with us)I receive a desperate call from my mother that my grandma is very sick. I couldn't hear very well because she was on the street so I asked my husband who was in the room with me to turn off the TV( he was listening loud music) so I can hear my mother. He starting yelling at me: "What's this, go to another room, I want to listen to music!" Well, I couldn't'leave the room as I was in my underwear and my father-in-law was walking around the hall. So, I had to hang up the phone. I was indeed very nervous and I told him he was very rude. The next thing I remember is that he was on top of me, hitting me. The worse is that my in-laws took his part and said that I was to blame because I insulted him.
Anyway, this is my sad story. I would really appreciate if someone can give me an objective opinion.Thank you!

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answers from New York on

Don't leave- call the police next time so HE has to leave. While he's at the station, have the locks changed on the doors (if you own your home). If you can't have the locks changed, have a friend stay at the house with you and keep the doors locked and the phone by your bed.

Get a credit card in YOUR NAME ONLY and make sure that your cell phone is not on a joint account or he will have it turned off. Find a "safe" place to go if needed and find an attorney.

Yelling/screaming/name calling is all bad, but threatening and hitting are criminal behaviors. Let the criminal system deal with it while you file for divorce.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

1. He needs anger management courses.
2. Next time he hits you - call the police and press charges...this will get the "party" started on his anger management.
3. Your mom needs to go to school to learn about life....are you FRICKING SERIOUS?! It's YOUR FAULT? Tell her to pound sand.
4. Your in-laws need help....you need to stay away from them - period...

Your husband's behavior is a learned behavior...he learned it from his parents (evidenced that they joined in and blamed you) and he is carrying it on...YOU CAN STOP it...

I would make him leave. PERIOD...change the locks on the doors and get an alarm system in place...do NOT answer the door if he comes back. DO NOT let him in...UNTIL he has PROVEN that he can control himself and has taken the time to improve himself via the help of anger management courses, etc.

You need to go to a counselor to learn how to stand up for yourself and know that it's NOT your fault.

Your husband needs to go to a counselor to learn how to control his anger and learn that he's an adult and MUST learn how to control it.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

Your husband is abusive. Do not listen to your mother or your in laws. Call a shelter, pack your things and things for the baby and LEAVE. Have you filed a police report on him????? The more you report him the stronger your case will be when you file for a divorce and in the custody case. You need to ask that he only has supervised visitation. He can not take your son out anywhere alone. He should not be allowed to visit his parents or yours.

Honey, I have been where you are and I know you are scared. But it's time to take your son and leave.

I'm here if you need help.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

As the others have said, GET OUT NOW. This is an abusive relationship. Your mom never got out and she has accepted it to be the norm which is why she said it was your fault. She has always thought that of herself. It will just get worse. Stop the cycle. Show your son that it is not all right. Do not let him grow up thinking that it is. It's not just about you anymore, you have your son to protect as well. Get out for him if not for yourself!

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

A. you need to LEAVE right now!!! Please go to a Woman's Shelter or a safe place. PLEASE don't say, you are NOT to blame, even if you have a mouth on you and speak your mind. NO ONE has the right to hit another person especially your husband. He's to love and take care of you. PLEASE get out NOW!

He needs help, he needs anger management and so do you. He also needs much more counseling. For the sake of your son, please go to a woman's shelter, shame on you mother, and inlaws, NO A MAN doesn't have the right to hit you, no matter what. Please don't listen to those lies... They are all lies.

I'm not saying get divorce, but just go to a shelter, they will give you free counseling and you need it. They will give you a safe place for your son too, they will give you food and clothing, makeup whatever you need. You also need to be separated from him for a while and really heal yourself, your soul. Don't believe the lies you are being told, this is the domestic violence cycle.

I PROMISE YOU this, he will NEVER STOP! Once a man hits you, he'll NEVER STOP!!! They usually say they are sorry, but there will be another hit somewhere down the line...

You have a lot of toxic people around you. Your son is at risk for a lot of social problems too. I really wouldn't be surprise if he had delay in speaking, not trusting people...

Please leave him and get help for yourself. If you are afraid he's going to act real violent, get to a safe place then tell him you are leaving to get help for awhile...

Hugs going out to you, please don't think it's your fault, it's NOT!!!
(PS if he accuse you of cheating; it's because he is...)

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

this is no way for you or your son to live! Call the cops when he puts his hands on you! This will force him to getting help. Then I would call the local battered women shelter. YOU NEED TO GET OUT NOW! IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE! SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR BABY!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

OMG-you need to LEAVE this man honey. You deserve and you NEED better than this and so does your child. Your mother is 100% wrong-it is NOT IN THE LEAST BIT YOUR FAULT-please don't think this for one more minute. It is ALL your husband. You are getting some great advice from the girls here...please listen to them.

Please check out this website...it is called Harbor House and they have a crisis line and will also provide shelter and legal help to women like you. It is totally worth a call A.-they can really help you.

I also want to add that you should be seriously afraid for how he will treat your child when he gets older. Right now he is a baby but when he is a toddler he will try beging to try your patience like crazy...most of us can handle this but I don't think your husband can. With his rage issues I can absolutely see him going off on your little boy...I honestly don't think he would be able to stop himself. And it will get worse as your son gets older I can guarantee you. So if you can't find the strength to do something about this for yourself PLEASE do it for your child.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Gainesville on

Do not say a thing to your husband. Go to an attorney-find out what you need to do just in case you decide to leave. You need to know ahead of time so you can make plans to save yourself and your child.

Your husband is a great guy. He gets to yell, scream, *hit* you and then make you think it's your fault! This is classic abuser mentality. And his family are cut from the same cloth.

A man who loves you does not hit you. Period. Never. This man does not love you-doesn't matter what he says or does when he isn't angry. This man doesn't love himself. This man is a manipulative abuser.

Is this what you want your son to think is ok? That this is how you treat women? That this is how his mom should be treated? Do you want him to repeat this cycle with his own wife?

How long do you think it will be before he turns on your son? How many kids get beaten or worse killed during the difficult toddler/preschooler years because they don't potty train quick enough or are defiant (both normal child behaviors), etc?

Do not live your life in fear. Quietly get yourself to an attorney, Legal Aid (if you can't afford a private attorney) and find out what you need to do NOW to protect yourself and your son.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

This is NOT ok. My husband of 12 years has NEVER hit or pushed me not even called me names. Please get out and get help for you and your son before he kills you. This is not something you want your son seeing. I am so shocked that ANYONE would think this was ok.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

I would be calling a women's shelter, ASAP, to figure out my options.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Please take your son and leave. If you have nowhere to go, go to a battered women's shelter. Get an attorney and get an order of protection for you and your son. If this man hits you, soon enough he will hit your son. How will you be able to live with that? Some huge percentage of the children of abusers grow up to become abusers - do you want that for your child? What will happen to your son if this man kills you?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

You need to leave him! He is unpredictable and he's abusive. Hitting you and having such an explosive temper cancels out all the other "nice" things about him. He needs some serious therapy before you should even consider taking him back. There should be zero tolerance to this kind of behavior. Even if you were perfect and never made mistakes he would still act this way. Don't blame yourself. We all make mistakes and yell at times but that doesn't mean we all deserve to be beat up. No one does!! Get out and get help. Get counseling without your husband. I wish you the best.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

Please leave. This is only going to get worse. You need to get your son away from this. You dont want him to grow up and do the same thing. You also dont want him to lose repect for you. Please, Please, Please leave.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Honey. You battered wife mother is telling you it is your fault. You need to consider the source.

ANYONE who doesn't rip a man off of the person the are beating can take their 2 cents and shove it up their...

I'll add more a bit later, sigh, unfortunately a BTDT... but I need to go cool off.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Your mother has some issues if she says you are partly to blame for him hurting you. There is nothing that justifies him hitting you and being violent. NOTHING! If he doesn't like what you say to him, he needs to leave the room, or deal with it another way; not by hitting. So leave. Leave now, and leave quickly. Go to a domestic violence shelter. Get some counseling. Take all the advice you've gotten and follow it.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have had fights. We've said mean things to each other. But he has never hit me, or touched me in a violent way AT ALL. You should not put up with it, and you should definitely not listen to your mother or your in-laws who say it is your fault. You said you had an abusive father, so maybe your mother has that mentality because of being in an abusive relationship. But it is WRONG for him to hit you, no matter what you say to him. He needs some serious help. Oh, and your in-laws are also crazy for blaming you for him HITTING you. Not okay under any circumstances.

There is a book called The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel. I highly recommend it. It is very eye-opening, and could help you in your perspective on things. There is also another book called "I Closed My Eyes: Revelations of a Battered Woman" by Michele Weldon. It talks about how it took her years before she was able to leave her husband. He would hit her, then he would try his hardest to make it up to her. But the longer they were married, the more he tried to control her, until she finally got the courage to leave. It might also help you gain some perspective. Good luck, and please stay safe!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Yes, you are in an abusive relationship (even if others don't see it from the outside or, like your in-laws, condone it). Sooner or later you will need to get out. If you aren't ready to do it today start making preparations: set aside money if you can an copies of important papers like birth certificates, medical records, etc. where he can't get to them, keep an extra set of house and car keys with a friend if you need to. Also, get counseling for yourself and talk to an agency that deals with domestic violence so you know your options. Abusers almost never change except to get worse in the level of violence. Also violence can get worse when you try and leave so you may need help then. The advice to talk to neighbors and document whatever you can is good. Go to the doctor or take a picture of any visible or serious injuries. If you use a digital camera email the picture to yourself or someone you trust and don't leave it on the camera.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Orlando on

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. My mother & father had the exact same relationship for many years until they finally split & then my father did this to his 2nd wife as well.. so I can only give you input on what it was like to be the child growing up in this kind of abusive household. Please dont stay with your husband to give your son a family. Its not a healthy, supportive,loving environment for any child. Ive got some pretty rough issues concerning men b/c of what I watched my father do to my mother. & Im lucky that I found a husband that is understanding of my past. If you are strong enough to make a change then I hope you will consider taking yourself & your son out of this situation, at least for the time being. Move in with family, or tell him he has to go. Get abusive counseling for yourself & as a couple. Its sad to say, but I dont think he will ever change. Once they hit, they always hit. At least thats been my opinion of wife beaters-& thats what he is. No one ever thinks they will be labeled a battered wife-but thats what you are now. For your sons sake, & your safety-please make a change. God Bless..

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

I understand everyone saying to get out but that must be overwhelming to hear. It sounds like you love your husband and he has good points and you have a young child. From the pov of the person that loses his/her temper, he can change. I agree you need to take some real steps. I would call a crisis center to get professional advice. I don't really know what I'm talking about and advice here is a bit random. Lock the doors, go to a shelter, call the police. All are sound suggestions but I'd want a professional to help me step by step. And I really want to say that this doesn't mean your marriage has to be over. He does regret his outbursts and you said he can calm down if you stay silent. So maybe that means there's hope. I know when I saw that it really could be a breaking point for my husband if I didn't start controlling my temper, I did start to control it. Showing your husband you mean business may be enough to make him agree to get professional help. I can't believe our in-laws think it's ok for him to be on top of you hitting you... I'd get them out of the picture as much as possible.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

One day your son WILL understand what is going on. Do you want your sweet baby to grow up acting like an animal? Do you want others to look on your sweet baby with shame and disgust when he starts acting like your husband? Here's your chance to break the cycle so he can learn and know what a real man acts like.

You are in a tough situation. Noone wants to lose their family and home. But those are just material things. You need to do what you can so that when you do something simple like smile at your son, you won't get hit b/c you didn't act quick enough to please your husband who may want your immediate attention.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Dear A., nobody deserves to treated like this. It's such a shame that your mom and in-laws have not supported you. You should not have to walk on egg shells in your own house and I worry that you will never know a happy marriage and know what it's like to have a best friend as a partner. I don't feel as though his rage is your problem, and I fear you talking to him about it will only get you beat up. Get out now, leave, get a restraining order to protect yourself and your child. Saying he is going to change isn't good enough, he must do the work and that takes time. If he has uncontrollable rage he can hurt your baby, whether intentionally or by throwing something. Reach out to a shelter for help. Next time he calls you call the police and pack your stuff and leave. Do you work? Is he controlling too?

2 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

A., THIS IS NO WAY YOUR FAULT! Please trust me. I am so sorry the people around you arent supporting you. You can find support groups and go to counseling. But, in the end I really think the best thing to do is to leave him. He needs help. I am so sorry your going through this. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!


2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Your husband hit you in front of his parents and they said it was YOUR fault? Your mother thinks it's YOUR fault too? Sweetie - everyone has ups and downs in their marriage. Everyone has disagreements and sometimes we say things we don't mean to say. My husband and I have had a few heated arguments in our 25 years together - but NEVER did I think he would hit me and NEVER would I have accepted the blame if he did. This is NOT acceptable. HE has to get counseling to find out why he has such rage. I'm guessing he grew up in a house where this was acceptable. If he is willing to NEVER hit you again and get counseling IMMEDIATELY and make changes in his life to work towards having a happy home, I'd think about staying - with the understanding that if he ever raises a hand to you again - just one time - you will call the police, have him arrested and ask him to leave the house immediately. Please understand that he will not just "get better" on his own. You deserve to be treated like an equal partner in your marriage. Please don't let your son grow up thinking this is OK.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Rockford on

There is no way any of that is your fault. He is ill. Sorry to be cold about this but your mom and his parents are OFF THEIR ROCKERS to blame any of this on you! Get away from him and take your son. DO NOT go back to him or let either your or his parents have a say in it. He needs to get some serious help and you are OBLIGATED to keep your son away from this.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Birmingham on

Get. Out. Now.

For the sake of your child. If he has a true case of rage, then what is to stop him from losing it and hurting you AND your helpless son? He needs therapy and meds. You and your son need another place to live. Preferably away from both your parents and his since their reasoning seem to match his. There is absolutely no excuse for his behavior. No matter what excuse he gives you. No one-men or women- deserve to be abused.
Good luck and God bless!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from New York on

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answers from Boston on

Go to counseling ALONE. people who have had traumatic experiences (like growing up with an abusive father) tend to RE-ENACT those experiences over and over again. you found someone who "helps" you with your trauma re-enactment-by abusing you. Trauma re-enactment does not just stop on it's own. You need to find someone who is experienced with PTSD or trauma recovery or else you will continue to find, and cling to abusive relationships, again and again.
Actually I'm sure it's much, much more complicated than that. My armchair psychiatry probably isn't even scratching the surface which is why I think you should see the real deal. Dont' take advice from your mom; remember, she was the one who exposed you to an abusive father. She clearly has her own issues to sort out.

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