My "Teenage" Husband

I did have thise problem at one time-and things are so much better now, so I hope this helps. My problem was thhat my husband and i got married and had our first child too young (19). he would play video games and on the computer all the time. He still does those htings, but in much smaller doses. I knew he loved our son, and he worked very hard at his job, but just like yours, it was hard to get him to do anything. He started doing the "fun stiff" like playing soccer or basketball in the front yard with Damon (our son). I tried to find things that I thought he would enjoy, to sort of bring him out of his shell. He now has daddy and Damon nights. This is where they stay up late watching movies that my husband loved when he was younger like ace ventura pet detective, star wars, indiana jones etc. Maybe if he can start getting comfortable having fun in the house he will gradually work upto more active behavior. Good luck! Maybe we need to get our husbands together for a playdate haha!

Husbands do what they are allowed to get away with. He needs to grow up. You need to have higher expectations of him. Have a straight talk or tough love conversation with him. What kind of role model does he want to be for your children? What kind of impression does he want to leave them with? What kind of husband/partner does he want to be for you? Set household rules that apply to EVERYONE. With that said --- he needs some alone time just like you need some alone time. You get alone time, right? You'd better be giving yourself some alone time. Anyways... you and he need to come to an agreement on when family time is, when alone time is, and when friend time is. It's important for everyone in your family to respect that of one another. And --- men are simply different that women. He doesn't get it. Spell it out for him. He probably has no clue how he is coming across. Plus, he used to be the center of the universe until your children came. He needs some attention to. Use that as an incentive. I tell my husband that if he makes the right moves as a father and a husband --- it's a turn-on for me. Sex is an incredible motivator. You're not alone. Men are from Mars.

get the camcorder out and film the girls one on one and ask them why they think that their dad wont spend the time with them. what kind of things would they like to do with their dad?? then you upload it to his tv or computer so he can watch what they say first thing when he comes home. this will be more of an eye opener than if you tell him anything. you could have them write him little notes. don't stop doing what you do to wait for him. keep living life

It's hard to know what would work. You're the best judge of that. I would give him time to "decompress" before dinner, then call him to eat at the table with all of you, TV OFF!!!
Then ask him to help you clear the table, then immediately go do something. I don't know what there is to do in Sandy, but we like to go on walks by the river here in Boise. Or we go to the playground at the nearby elementary school, or to Cabella's. Girls would like all those things, and they're not "tea parties" and playing dress-up and princesses and other things he might feel uncomfortable with. The will also need to learn how to play catch and hit a ball with a bat. Maybe you could ask him to help with that.
Another thing that I have insisted on in the past few months (because it was a huge problem before) is that my husband help with bathtime and bedtime. Kids know and love who takes care of them. It's what give them comfort. I still have to wash my boys' hair, but my husband has gotten a whole lot better at doing that stuff (about a year ago, I asked him to give them a bath, and he just filled the tub and sat in the bathroom with them. He didn't even use soap!) And he now tucks the older one into bed while I put the "baby" down, then I go in to sing a song to the big one. He used to just sit on the couch and watch tv or read the newspaper while I did all of it, even when I was 9 months pregnant and asked him to help, he still wouldn't.
I don't know if you're LDS, but if you are, and this continues to be a problem, I've heard of women going in to talk to their bishop about it. A formal chastisement does wonders. One went in to complain about her husband's gaming. I went in to talk to him about some other problems my husband had, and the bishop told him to shape up in all areas. That's when things really started to change.

C.:

I think the first thing you need to look at is how you view your husband's behavior. Have you really sat down with him and talked about why he does the things he does? When was the last time you had a date night-just the two of you? Also, does he ever have the chance to be one on one or just him and your two daughters or are you usually around? I am not trying to complicate matters-I just think these are questions you should ponder.
Now, here are some possible solutions:
*Have HIM plan some sort of meal/family activity for all of you. Maybe he is taking advantage of you doing it all time or doesn't even realize that he is NOT involved!
*He gets to think of things that he wants to do with your daughters and make it happen. Although, if your daughters are VERY young, this could be difficult. Men tend to relate better to children when they are a bit older...
*Let him know you would like to have some time out for yourself-whatever it is you like doing-just like your husband has been doing (T.V., internet etc.)-and perhaps he'll realize that you both need "alone" time and that it's not just him that needs it!
*Come to accept that even with these solutions, you need to work at things together. My husband also likes to watch his favorite TV shows to get into someone else world-he says it helps him relax. I would rather have silence, read, take a bubble-bath and have some hot tea. We are just different, yet we accept each other.
*Focus on the positive and you will more than likely see the positive.

All The Best,
K.

I SOOOOOO feel for you because I am in the same boat. I have found that the children and I have our own lives apart from my husband. If he truly gets on my last nerve I tend to find a place to be with the children when he gets home and we find some way to have dinner while he is gone. He then has to fend for himself and this drives him crazy. He doesn't like being left out of the attention circle. IF he ignores us it is fine, but IF we ignore him he hates it. I then pick that time to tell him that he has his life that doesn't involve us so why in the world should our lives stop for him. It usually works for a couple days and then he slides back into selfish mode. GOOD LUCK!!!

P.S. They do this because WE ALLOW them to. I tell my husband if he wants the respect of being the man of the house he should start acting like one. He doesn't like it, but he knows it is true.

maybe you should sit him down when you aren't around the girls and explain your concern, see how he reacts. Maybe there could be a set time where tv and computers are off and you just hang out as a family or each girl could have a special night out with their dad.

This behavior needs to be "nipped in the bud". My husband treated our daughter in a similar fashion and she became a very rebellious teenager. Men often don't realize how important they are to their daughters. Maybe you could explain to him that if girls don't get attention from their fathers, they will look for boy friends to fulfill that need when they get older. If this doesn't work then I would say he needs to get some therapy to find out why he has this attitude and straighten himself out. There is nothing you can do to get him over this. It is up to him.

Okay I am gonna have to agree with you when you say 'teenager' because he is acting like one. And #1 he needs to know it. He is a man, a husband, and a father, so he needs to act like one and step up.
#2 You work hard too, I assume your a stay-at-home mom, you didn't mention your work, and that is full time work, its harder than any work you'll do outside the house.

Men are very hard creatures to understand, and I say that with humor, but my husband was at a point about a year ago that I thought he should be enjoying our son more than he was. In actuallity I had to come to terms that all the things that are important to me, or that make me happy, are not the same things that make him happy, or laugh. Tell him that him and the girls are going to have a day of fun, ask him what he would like to do, and plan it for them. Suggest going to a fishing farm, if he likes that, or the zoo, an indoor playground (if you have one around), going on a small hike, checking out a 'dog' park, teaching the kids soccor or catch in the park, or your backyard. The point is that there are plenty of things he can do with the kids, he just needs to get off his butt and do them. Sometimes we all need a swift kick to get us going, I know I do.
I watch 'SuperNanny'-love it, and recently she had a family on the show that the husband did the exact thing, the kids would act out because all they wanted was some daddy time. Jo Frost made him turn the TV off and get down to their level, and guess what he actually admitted to having more fun doing that then watching any TV show.
So who knows once you make him get interactive, maybe he will love it more than he thinks. If not, you might have a bigger problem.

Good luck to you!!

oh one more thing- I know this is a novel- make him do a daddy training weekend, or night and 1/2 day. You plan to go somewhere with girls, or yourself, even if it be a hotel for the night. He gets all responsibility of the girls. You go spend the night somewhere and find something to do for yourself for the following day, while he stays home with the girls. It will make him appreciate what you do daily, and make him realize what it takes, that you can't just watch TV all day, or night while the girls entertain themselves. Its okay if he doesn't feed them a well balanced meal, all that is important is that he feeds them, puts them to bed, wakes up with them, and that they are alive when you get home. It really works wonders.

one thing i have learned from my husband is that no matter how hard you want them to change and be different you can't do anything unless they want to change themselves. i want my husband to be more cuddly and lovey-dovey with me, and he is just not like that. i tell him that i need him to be like that just sometimes because i need it. anyway this isn't much of a help but my greatest advice would be to talk to him about it when the girls are asleep, don't accuse him or tell him what he doesn't do just talk to him about ways he would want to show the girls his affection. I am sure he feels that by going to work everyday he is showing your family love by supporting and providing for them, make sure to thank him for that, and not always get on him for not "adoring" his girls more. anyway talking is always a good way to figure out peoples needs.
good luck!

Just wanted to echo Katies advice: Men typically need some time alone to 'process' their day and unwind doing whatever it is that helps them decompress. Be it running, a hobby, TV, reading, whatever. Thats understandable, everyone needs to have that time to relax.

When it becomes an issue and interferes with family time to the point of being obnoxious then it needs to be curtailed. You can talk with him and do what with you do with the kids: the expectation is you will spend time with us, you have 1/2 hour when you get home to chill then you need to be engaged with us and not with the TV. No threats, just expectations. You also need to let him know when you will be taking some time to decompress and that it will be all him and he'll be reciprocating by taking the kids and leaving you be, uninterrupted.

Good Luck.

In my experience with this sort of thing it was because my husband was dealing with some issues that he didn't want to tell me. He bottled up and became obsessed with the tv. I got rid of the cable. Come to find out he was stressed by how things were going at work and he was feeling bad about himself. He, like most men, didn't know how to talk about it. He thought I would think less of him if he wasn't the big strong guy that I married. It is very hard for them to admit when they are depressed. I can't give you advice in this situation because I don't know your husband. Just try to figure out what might be stressing him out. One thing I did was I started taking my son to do things we wanted to do. At first I would ask him if he wanted to join us but after a couple of times of him saying no, I stopped inviting him. I told him where we were going and we just left. That got his attention. That is how I solved my problem. Like I stated every guy is different though. Good luck. Stephanie

I feel your pain. My husband is often stuck on his computer doing work things he didn't have time to do during his work hours. But we almost always eat dinner together and we try to do a lot as a family.

Maybe it's because you have girls and he's just not sure how to interact with them. I would suggest finding things to do as a family. My kids (5-year old boy and 3-year old girl) love going to things like sporting events (Bees games, Real games, Blaze games - all cheaper than Jazz tickets! Bees games have a lot of family nights where you can just sit on the grass for not a lot of money and eat before you go so you don't spend a lot on food.) Look for things around town like free movies at the park (I know they do this at West Jordan's Veteran's Park) or a trip to the zoo.

I know this is going to sound like it won't be any good, but we have a Wii game console and it is so much fun to play games together as a family. Tennis, bowling, etc. Obviously that $300, plus games, but even my 3-year old plays it. If he's worried about missing "the game" or whatever, invest in a DVR/Tivo.

And lastly, you just need to sit down and talk to him about it. Explain that when he comes home and sits down in front of the TV, that it makes you and the girls feel like he doesn't care. Explain that you understand that he needs time to himself, so maybe set a time frame that when he comes home from work, he gets 30 minutes to do whatever he needs to do to unwind, but that you really want him to start spending more time with you and the girls. Maybe designate one evening or one weekend day to the family. Explain to him that it's very important to you that you all bond as a family.

Good luck!

I liked a lot of the ideas here. I am thinking that you may need to "reel" him in slowly. Try doing sit down family dinners (try to choose a time where the tv viewing is slow, not much on), or just have dinner ready when he walks in the door, table is set and everyone is sitting down--if he wants to eat in the tv room, you could all join him there, OR, hide the remote and when he can't find it, tell him you'll help him look after dinner;o) Remotes do tend to walk away sometimes.
Then, once dinners are becoming a habit, try a month of once a week movies out, or dinner out, or going to a game, or playing catch at the park. You could ask your girls what they want to do and then tell your MAN that the girls would like to do that with him. Ask HIM when he would like to do it. My hubby isn't very spontaneous, he likes to plan things out and think about the best time or way to do something, so if you give him notice he will start planning it...maybe your hubby would respond better if you let him plan something. Give him choices--would you prefer to eat at the table, or out on the patio? The girls want to go bowling, would you like to go Wednesday or Thursday? Let's play a game with friends on Friday night! Would you rather play vollyball/frizbee(sports), or Monopoly(boardgames)?
When I give my husband choices, he seems to respond better. If you need help with the kids because they are pulling you in different directions, ask, would you rather give this one a bath, or read this one a story?
Ask for help without whining or nagging, but giving short, comprehensive choices.
Anyway, those are some of the ideas I had.
Good luck!