My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years. For the most part of our marriage he worked nights. About 3 months ago his scheduled changed and now he is home every night.
Here is the thing = when he worked nights, after I put the kids to sleep, I would get “my time” and watch the programs I recorded on my T.V. I don’t have time to watch T.V. during the day especially with 2 kids and I work part-time. I LOVED those nights where I could just curl up in front of the T.V. with a glass of wine and decompress. If it wasn’t from work, it was from a day of chores, errands and driving the kids here to there (sports), paying bills, helping with homework, etc. You all KNOW what I mean!
Now he is home every night and he wants to watch T.V. If it isn’t sports (Lakers Games are huge in our house right now) it’s something else. He does not like the shows I watch. When I’ve said to him it would be nice if I could get the T.V. every once in awhile he says stuff like “I work long hours and all I want to do is watch T.V. on my big screen and relax.” Basically the T.V. is his now. It’s like he will not even compromise. Why are men like that with the house T.V.? It’s so annoying! Before when he worked late, during his breaks/lunch hour he would go into the break room where they kept a large screen T.V. and the guys would watch sports, etc. When his hours changed so did his work location that does not have a break room like the other.
We still get our time together where we talk about our days and future stuff and what we like to do before we go to sleep if you know what I mean **wink wink**
But why do I miss that alone time I used to have??
I miss my time so much that I wish my husband was back to working nights! LOL =-) Can anyone empathize with me? What would you do and do you get “me” time? What do you do? We don’t fight about this so maybe I’m just venting.
It was fun reading all these responses! So many of you suggested I buy a T.V. for our bedroom with a cable box that I am seriously considering doing that. Last night I made that comment and my daughter looked at me shocked and said "You? You're thinking about buying something that YOU don't need but that YOU just "want"????" HAHAHAHA It was so funny because I'm so frugal that I never spend money on myself but make sure my husband & kids are always taken care of. Maybe it's about time I took care of myself! I even joked around that maybe it's time that I started getting my nails done every week!
Thanks to those who could empathize. It's nice to know that you understand me =-)
Oh and I talked with my husband about this last night. He said that instead of staying home and watching the game tonight he would go to the sports bar down the street with the neighbors to go watch it. YEA! We’re compromising!!
I totally feel ya! I always hear women compain about their husbands wanting to "go out with the guys" and I am the opposite. I am more than happy to see him go off and have fun for a bit so I can get a quiet night alone after the kids go to bed to have a glass of wine and watch a movie I like or something! I completely understand.
do you only have one tv? I would end up killing my husband if that were the case. We have a tv upstairs, one downstairs, one in the bed room and one in the kitchen. I would try to get another one to decompress in front of if I were you. :-)
OMG.. Why did this make me so angry?!!!!
He needs to learn to share. You work long hours too doing an even more important job, raising children, keeping a home running, making sure everyone is fed, clothed and staying healthy..You deserve to watch the Big TV too.. How dare he make it seem like he is more entitled than you...
It should be 50 /50.
For fathers day, purchase a TV with a DVD and place it in another room. When both of you want the TV for an important show take turns for who watches the big TV..
Tell your husband that he'll have to forgive the messy house, unfolded laundry and sandwiches for dinner because you were catching up on your shows during the day so as not to interfere with his precious TV time at night. Oh, what's that, Honey? You don't LIKE the messy house and cold dinner? Well, do you have a better time for me to watch MY shows? Do I ever get a turn? Or would you prefer to buy me another TV (with DVR, of course) so I can also "relax after MY long hours"?
All kidding aside, what he's doing to you is really unfair and I think you need to bring it to his attention that it bothers you. You say you haven't fought about it, but if you let it go, it will keep eating away at you and you'll resent him more and more because of it. Then when you finally DO fight about it (and you eventually will), he'll be like "WHY didn't you say anything? I had no idea you felt this strongly! I can't read your mind, ya know!" and it'll be a bigger fight than if you just calmly assert your TV rights now.
YES! You have to split the tv. It's not HIS -it belongs to both of you! Luckily my husband and I usually watch the same things, but I love it when he's gone at night. If it was like your house, we would have to split the tv nights 50/50 -that's the only fair way!
Hello, My husband also worked nights for a while. I also enjoyed the time alone. When he returned to working days, I missed that time too. I just had to adjust to it. Eventually, I did. However, my husband shared the t.v. very well. He would even go in the bedroom when he wanted to watch something during time that I would watch something else. Well, in March, my husband suddenly died. Now I would give anything for him to be back, even if he hogged the t.v. Your husband should share the t.v. and allow you some time to watch your shows.
Good luck with your precious family.
make a timecard for yourself! "clock in" any time you spend taking care of kids, household chores, working, etc... write down what you are doing and how long it takes. When he tells you he works long hours, pull out your timecard and compare! then come up with a fair compromise with tv time for both of you. :)
~you don't sound horrible, you sound like you are trying to retain your sanity!
I do not have your problem because I RULE IN MY HOUSE....jajajajaja... I am kidding...as others say, buy a kitchen T.V. and leave the big BOY with the BIG SCREEM...it sounds silly...but, isn't it funny why we fight for silly things sometimes? We are animals of habits and when those habits are disrupted, we get a little bit mad. I have a little kitchen T. V where I usually use when wanting to get away from everyone and watch my shows
You could play dirty. I love my husband but when he is a baby and has an attitude or has to keep the tv on all night and the light and the fan, I withhold sex. Do it for as long as he feels the need to not share. And when he gets pissed, because he will, lay it on the line and tell him again that you want your tv time too.
Then get another big screen tv for you.
Or you could be nice and try talking to him until you are blue in the face. That doesn't help, Hit him where it counts.
I agree with Christina! Get another TV, even if you buy a used one at a yard sale. Most of the time you can get a second Tivo for $5 on your cable bill. Then you can watch all your shows while your husband luxuriates in front of "his" big screen. LOL
I know exactly what you mean though - my husband loves to watch boxing, mixed martial arts, rugby... ugh. I hate all of it. For my part, I am not super into TV, but I do love to read, so when he fires up the big screen TV, I go read my book in another room. At first he started to get into a snit because I wouldn't sit there with him and watch his stupid sports, until I pointed out that he won't sit and watch 19 Kids and Counting with me! lol Anyhow, you can still have your time while he's having his time, as long as you can convince him to keep the Lakers game down to a dull roar. =) Good luck!
OMG! Your husband sounds like mine! He loooooves sports and we do have a tv in our bedroom but he likes the one in the livingroom better and I have to be in the livingroom to care for our kids. He leaves to work by 12:30 pm, but FORTUNATELY for me, he still works nights! And YES! I really love 'my time'. I don't work but have 19 month twins and so when I put them to bed at their time, whether they want to or not, sorry...it's mommy time now! They do go to bed right away. When my husband is on vacation...it's horrible! I'm constantly asking him in a semi nice way, "soooo, when do you go back to work?". Because all he does is complain, complain, complain!!! And I can't watch my movies or my channels. So I hear ya'!
When I want time to myself...I tell him I'm going to the store or the bank and swing by my moms for a bit, she lives like 15-20 min away! Even just going to the store alone I can listen to my music how loud I want because he doesn't like to hear music or what I pick. IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME! He has weekends off so that's enough time him being at home and it's off to work on monday and I'm glad! That sounds terrible doesn't it? :/
Oh I totally understand!!! My husband has to get up for work so early (works in a bank and is on East Coast time) so he goes up to bed around 9 and I can't sleep until after 12. So I get "me" time every weeknight and I LOVE it. Even though I like spending time with my husband, I really, really enjoy the quiet, dark room with the shows he would never want to watch and yes, I too love that glass of wine. It's so hard to adjust on the weekends so I know exactly how you feel. Don't worry, you'll get into a new routine eventually and it won't be so much of an adjustment. In the meantime, you can still take some "me" time. After you and your husband spend time talking about your day or watching something together, you can read, talk him into watching something you both like (that's what we do) or put another tv somewhere just for you. I know it's not the big screen but it will be all yours. And if anyone on here tries to tell you that you're wrong for feeling like this ignore them, it's totally understandable and I feel your pain. : )
I totally empathize with you!!! I'm in the same situation. My husband is in sales and is often gone for days at a time and then home for days at a time, well I like it when it's a mix. Last week he was working from home most of the time and I started really missing my alone time. I've always been the kind of person who likes alone time - I do not "thrive" on being around other people. Don't get me wrong, I'm also very social and love being with my hubby. Well he is gone all this week from Mon thru Fri. Mon and Tues were great. Tonight I kinda miss him and I know by this time tomorrow, I'll be wishing he was home. Anyway, if I were in your situation, I would get another tv in a place where you want to watch it. For us, we also have a tv in the kids toy room/spare bedroom and I just go watch it in there. Sometimes my hubby will ask what's wrong, like he thinks I'm mad at him or something. I tell him nothing is wrong, I just want to watch this show and I know that you don't, so I'm watching it in here and having "me" time. It took him awhile to understand that there was nothing "wrong", but I needed some time to unwind after my day too. I also have two kids and work at home part time.
I know you already answered 'so what happened' but I totally understand. I too, need my "me time". Many talk about a man cave, how about a lady cave. Our bedroom is my lady sanctuary. My husbands schedule changed slightly so he is home more evenings than he used to be. It did disrupt my 'schedule'. We don't ever like to watch the same shows. We have dinner together as a family, talk about our days and what is going on then we retire to our respective places in the evening. Him to the living room in the recliner or to the office on the computer. Me to my lady sanctuary in our bedroom or to the office on the computer. Our bedroom has a TV (actually larger than the living room one), a super comfy bed, a super comfy chair and I have my books, candles and wine for my "me time". When we can agree on a movie we will rent one or go to the movie theatre and we do go out to dinner or out to breakfast, so we do still spend time together.
LOL!!! I thought I was the only one!! I realy do not have a solution, I just want you to know you are not alone in this one. I could tell you to buy another TV but I know is not that, it is the whole environment I create while unwinding, the peacefullness, the quietness, the me just doing what I please even if it is only a couple of hours, even if I do nothing. The problem I see is that, when this keeps going on for long, the anoying gets worse, I my self use to like baseball, now I hate it, and I know it is not the baseball(and everything that ends in ball), is the general frustration I go thru everytime. I hope someone else has a solution to this. I fell good just by venting already! LOL.
i would get another tv....put it in the bedroom and go chill out by myself..my boyfriend watches whatever i want to watch so i'm lucky..i know what you mean ..and i would lose my mind if i had to sit there and watch sports..i think i would scream! so tell him he has to get u another tv..then i would just lay on the bed in the bedroom..drink my wine and watch my shows..its ok to want to have alone time!
My husband worked on call most night for a long time, so we had a 'man cave' set up for him. When he started to be at home more and watching tv, I moved into his room when I needed 'my time'. I read, though there is also a game system and tv with attachments. At first he fussed that we weren't spending time together, but I pointed out that we weren't spending time together when we watched tv, as he sat in another chair and didn't talk to me. We do have a few shows we watch together, and there are shows that he lets me watch alone. Have you thought about asking your husband to go to the bar with his friends to watch the game? Let him know that you are fussed about this, like someone else said, they can't read our minds...=)
You have some good answers here. I would like to point out that "my time" is alone time we all need in order to replenish our energy. Humans have a tendency to suck the energy out of us, and children do this better than anyone. Your down time gave you the energy back so when your husband came home you had energy for him as well. Perhaps you can go into the living room with a comfy blanket and glass of wine and watch your shows a few days a week and he can watch his sports there on occasion as well. There is a way to share, and the venting means you're storing and needing to let it out. Sounds like you had balance in your life and now things are a little out of balance. You will be able to get it back, you sound grounded and in a happy marriage and life.
My husband doesn't work nights, but we do have to compromise over the TV shows. I go to bed much earlier than him, though; he's a night owl. So it kinda bugs me when he balks about watching a show that he's not into (I'm a huge HGTV fan) because from 9-midnight he gets to do/watch whatever he wants!! Our TV in our bedroom is nice to have, but I can't watch the shows that I recorded on the big TV in the living room. *Sigh* But here's what I think: get another smaller TV and share. There are bigger fish to fry! Good luck!! :)
This really won't help your situation, but I just wanted to comment...
My fiance currently works day shift, but in Sept., will be going on permanent afternoon shift. Of course, I was dreading this, because we will be home at opposite times. We will only see each other on days off, and for the few minutes after he gets home, before I go to sleep. I was really bummed about this, but after reading your post, and thinking about your "me time," I'm starting to think that it might be kinda nice to have a couple hours in the evening to chill out by myself! It has been so long since I had "me time" that I kind of forgot what it's like, and how enjoyable it can be!
Ok, first of all you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. Frankly your husband is being selfish. You work hard all day to. Its a long day for everyone. As I say its not a particularly hard day just a really long day. You are making this more diffic
ult than it has to be. Get another t.v. Right now!!!!!!!!! You deserve it
I totally understand you, so don't feel guilty about wanting me time. I have worked my whole life till last August. Now I am home running the house with two kid (6,7) and I can not beleive I got anything done when I worked. I think I look forward to my night tv time more now than I did when I was working. SO, what to do? You need to speak with him about setting a compromise. You have to help him understand that your day is not yours either (like his is not), so he needs to compromise with you, if that means one or two nights of your night shows.
You may have to show him a list of everything that you do during the day to show him how you have no time either. Good luck
I understand your pain : ) . My hubbie works late hours so as soon as the baby was in bed I got the remote. It was so relaxing! Then the company changed their hours policies so now he's home most nights by 7. We have complete different tastes in movies and tv shows. We compromise, I get control of the remote every other night. Another thing you might want to do is check out Hulu.com (it's a free site that shows movies and tv shows) for some of your favorite shows. On "his" nights I take my laptop and headphones into the bedroom and curl up in bed and watch some of my shows that way.
I don't have any advice, just lots of sympathy. I husband used to work out of town a lot and now, not so much. I always loved it when he was gone. I got the bed to myself, didn't worry about cooking (I make sure there's stuff for the kids to eat that they can heat up- they are 14 & 11), and the house stays cleaner. I lived alone for many years before I married and it is something I miss. I love my family but how can I miss them if they never go away? lol
It is a great feeling to just be yourself for a bit and relax. Do what you have to to get what you need. Go rent a hotel room for a night or a weekend every once in a while. Or send the family there and you stay home.
The best present my husband ever gave me was about 8 years ago. I was off work for a minor injury. My husband took the kids (they were 6 &3) up north to visit his family. They were gone for 6.5 days. I loved it!!!!
My husband and I have fought over this very thing...it does seem to be a common source of contention for us! We bought a big-screen tv for christmas in leu of christmas gifts for each other. We have tv's in our living room, and bedroom. He used to work a 2nd job in the evenings 4 nights/week, so when i came home, I watched tv. Well he quit his job 2 months ago there, and the fighting began. He comes home, I'd be in the kitchen stirring something I'm making for dinner, only to come back out and see him sitting in his chair, remote in hand, and about to switch my tv show. I told him that he has a bedroom to go decompress after work... he thinks otherwise...
It doesn't sound awful. I can relate. I've been married over 28 years and the "best" times seem to be when one or the other of us was working nights. My husband retired 7 years ago, so neither of us was working nights until I switched shifts and job assignments a month ago. I love it! Even on my nights off, I stay up by myself and get so much done. I'm one that needs time to myself - definitely not one of those who could spend every waking moment (living together, working together, hobbies together) with my spouse. That's just not me. You may be the same and feel as though your husband is intruding on what used to be YOUR time to relax after working hard all day and YOU just want to watch your big screen and relax. Maybe he'd be willing to compromise and have dedicated nights or time slots for each of you to choose what's on the television. Good luck. I worry about what happens when I retire in less than three years. Aye aye aye!
It sounds like he's being selfish, so maybe you should have fight about this. ;). Seriously, though, you should tell him everything you have written here and then put the ball in his court. If he still doesn't get that taking care of kids is a lot harder and more demanding than working a "real" job, then you need to help him develop his empathy. Is there any way you can make him stay home with the kids while you are away all day? Can you do it for a week? I bet he would cry uncle mid way through day two and allow you to watch whatever you want on the TV. He'd also develop some respect for you and what you do. Best of luck to you!
Don't feel bad. Its nice sometimes to not have the Hubby around... and not having to be self-conscious... and cater to someone else.
I can relate.... when my daughter and Husband went on a trip together last summer, I LOVED it.... sure I missed them, but I had a TRULY RELAXING time, while he was gone. And I could do WHATEVER I wanted. I really got to honestly UN-wind.... it was nice! :) (I didn't tell him that though, it would have hurt his feelings. But I told my Mother, and even she could relate) .
How about, you get another TV?
Or make a room, if you have an extra area, just for him? A "Man-Cave." Men nowadays seem to have these, 'rooms' for just the reasons you stated.
My Husband, has a 'room' that we were not using, and it is his "Man Cave." He studies in there and has an Xbox, and can watch/do what he wants in there... and I don't 'have to' be subjected to it. LOL
But it works out.
Also though, it is a 'transitioning' of you and him... being home at night, by yourselves... and designating how you are going to mesh. Again. While having time together and quality time (wink wink) and yet, just for you, to UNwind from being Mommy-manager and Household-Manager too.
WE deserve a break too... but often, having the Husband there, means we have to then cater to them too... like a child. They also need "us" there for them... so it is a real juggling of things... your needs and His... but couple time too.
A solution is difficult to come by but I CAN empathize. My husband is a marine engineer. He works for 75 days at a time and is home for 75. When he is gone, I do the EXACT same thing that you do. Watch all of my DVR'd episodes with a glass of wine. I love "my" time and can get quite resentful when I lose it. He is due home in a month and I will be in your shoes once again. So far, over the years it is just something that I tolerate because I know that he will head out to sea and I will have my time once again. For you, I feel your pain! I hope that you find a positive way to get your time back...maybe a TV in the kitchen or a special area for you (with a DVR)..maybe he could find a special place to watch his sports...hmmm, you can tell I am not full of answers but as a last resort, maybe he has a friend that they can watch together at another location?? At lease once a week to give you "catch up" time. :)
you sound positive and that is great! Love your spirit..
Can you watch on the internet? I ditched satellite a year ago because I felt like I just kept getting pulled into the next thing on tv. Stuff I didn't even care about! Basically ALL of the shows I like I can view online. If not I have netflix and can watch them later. I think that you should emphathize with his feelings that he needs to decompress just like you. But you should take turns like you (probably) make your kids do. Heehee. Either switch off nights or possibly even hours. Even though it is probably not realistic (men and women rarely like the same thing on tv, I think) you could try watching together...
I miss "my time" too!! My husband used to work as a Construction Superintendent and worked mon-fri 5am to 4pm. I usually work nights so my days were spent with my twin girls. During their 2 hour nap time I would get the TV all to myself. Now, my husband is laid off of work and is home all day and all night!!! I love spending time with my hubby but I like to have me-time as well! Fortunately for us, we were able to buy a new TV for the downstairs and put the living room TV in our bedroom. Plus, he plays hockey on Sunday and Wednesday nights so that's more time for ME!! so, if you can, get a TV for the bedroom and maybe recommend that your hubby get a "hobby" that will get hime out of the house! plus, he will have some "me time" for himself!! good luck to you, things will work out you two just have to compromise and communicate to each other!
My husband works nights and I, too, often do what you do after putting the kids down. We, too, for the most part do not watch the same shows. But there are a handful that we both like to watch. So on weekends when the kids are in bed, we watch those together. There are some weekends when I want to watch my shows and has a computer downstairs that he plays games on so I'll say to him "Hey I have a few shows to watch - do you wanna play or should we watch something together." He's always fine going downstairs - I think a lot of the time he stays upstairs to be with me, but we also still like our alone time.
I second the idea of a tv in your bedroom. You could also tell him that maybe you could alter nights (or times) and that you'll sit in the living room with him and read or something while he watches a show or game then he can choose to either stay or go do something else while you watch yours.
I have to say, though, I'd give up all my tv to have my husband home at night!
Before I read what everyone else has to say, I'm just going to say that your personal entertainment options are endless almost.
First of all, you are on the computer so I am going to assume that you have one. You need to find enough money in the budget for netflix. You can watch unlimited shows. Many of the newer shows are available to watch on the networks. Amazon also sells and rents seasons of just about every show ever made.
You can also find many shows, old and new, on hulu.com.
Then there are books you can download to your computer and audio books you can listen on devices like your phone and mp3 players.
If I were you, I would get a good pair of headphones and let the husband steal the tv. You can also do some of your chores at night and watch the movies you want during nap time. Don't let those kids keep you so busy you can't find a little me time during the day. You are large and in charge during the day and the tv and the house is yours when he's at work. I know you love your kids and feel guilty if it's not all about them. But the truth is, it's not always all about them. Moms are people too.
By the way, we have 3 televisions and 3 DVR boxes in this house. It's worth the expense to keep people from feeling they never have any control over anything.