Frustrated with Husband. - Columbia Falls,MT

He sounds like he could be depressed. It might not be depression but I dont know how long he has been like this. My hubby gets up around 4 a.m. and doesnt get home until 5 p.m. or later sometimes. He is up and a active parents until we all go to sleep at 9 p.m. I expect this of him and he expects it of himself tired or not he is their father.

What I would do is move his office things into the living room. That seems the best compromise to me. That way he can still do his stuff in his office but be out where his family is at the same time. If he thinks you're too sensitive, just something like this..."Ok, maybe I am a little sensitive, but that's who I am. I deserve some sort of compromise from you." I think compromise is a big part of being happy in a marriage. When you don't agree with something, make up a way that you both get what you want to a point. It may not be exactly what you want. But the other person doesn't get exactly what they want either. It's a great tool to being happy in marriage. Hope this helps.

Not telling you to leave but my first husband was like that. However he went into his office and was on a computer not watching t.v.Try and talk about it again and again. Or find ways to keep you happy until he comes around. But you are too young to have this kind of situation. Perhaps he needs to go to the doctor. My husband stays up til about ten sometimes and gets up at five in the morning. When he's tired he lets me know. But most of the time he's with me and we are doing things Now the kids are bigger so that might make a difference, but I have a hunch hubby might need to get some vitamins or iron pills and perhaps do some other things. He sounds depressed and it is making you depressed and that is a difficult circle to be in-good luck!

You will have to negotiate together calmly what each of you expect when he gets home.

Growing up in my house my dad got home about 5:15...and he sat down to watch the nightly news from 5:30 to 6. We were not allowed to bother him during this time...it was his time to decompress. Then we all ate dinner together and he was around until our bedtime. What my parents did after that I don't know...but it was our family routine.

At my house now we have our family routine. My husband gets home just as dinner is about ready. We eat as a family. Then I get the kids ready for bed and my husband chills out with some music or TV in the kitchen while he does the dishes. Then when the kids are in bed we decompress together...but separately...we are in the same room, maybe both on our computers...or I watch TV and he is on the computer...or we both watch TV...or I go take a soak in the tub and he is at the computer...he is basically on the computer most of the night. But we are in the same space together and we are happy about our routine.

You and he need to develop "your family routine" that makes you both happy. You will both have to compromise. It sounds like he needs some alone time to decompress from his day...give him some, but together decide how much time is enough...30 minutes an hour? Then you need some time off from your son...let him handle bath time while you do dinner. Then decide what you want to do together every evening...watch a TV show together (30min or 60min), then go your separate ways if he needs more alone time in his office. It is just a matter of negotiation. CALM!! No accusations of him wanting to get away from you guys...just that you love him so much you want some of his time too. Negotiate negotiate negotiate!!

I don't blame you for being frustrated. It sounds like your husband is depressed or that he has emotionally checked out. You must be nervous having another one on the way. You will be dealing with 2 all day and the newborn all night. If your husband went to bed at 8 he could still have 8 hours of sleep and spend a bit more time with the family. My husband and I have a relationship that is far from perfect but the one thing that I can credit him with is that when he is home he is parenting 50-50 and taking over with the kids so that I can have some time. I don't need to be sitting with my feet up to be having me time. For me, just cooking dinner or doing a few chores around the house without being bothered by the kids constantly is relaxing. I never knew how relaxing sitting in the waiting room of the dentist could be until I got to without the kids! :) I would talk to him and tell him that you are not happy and by the way he is acting, you are wondering if maybe he isn't happy either. Happy parents and spouses do not hide in the office for the few hours that they are home every day. I hope none of this sounds too harsh. Just trying to look our for a fellow SAHM. :)

I agree with Margie. If your husband is not a people person, after a day at work it can tax his reserves. I have a husband like that, but I also understand the alone feeling, so my remedy for that is compromise, but when I really need him to get out of his world, shell (because they will stay there like creatures of habit if you let them), then I force him out of that by involving him, reminding him I need him to be a part of the family and us. Then when I get really aggravated and don't have the patience for it, I bring the kids into his office/space/room, whatever and let him deal with us all there...and he hates it, but hey!!l...the kids mess with his stuff and he either gets really mad or he joins us away from his office, lol.

I agree with the other Moms that are telling you that you need to pick a quiet time ( hopefully without the children around) and have an open honest discussion with each other about this. You have several legitimate areas of concern...the relationship between you and your husband....you can't have a real love affair with each other if you are never spending time together. And believe it or not, someday the children will be gone and the two of you will suddenly realize that you are living with a virtual stranger!!
Then you need to talk to him about the importance of a Father in their childrens' lives. He needs to be showing your son what it means to be a really good man...how to interact with other people, teach him how to throw a ball or catch a fish or just hang out together and watch the clouds as a storm moves in. These are precious times that will never come again and he will be so sorry one day if he doesn't invest himself in his families lives. And your son's live will be so much emptier without a real Father figure to help make him into the man that you both want him to be.
But you can't be accusatory or angry, that will accomplish NOTHING but to make the situation more tense than it already is. Remember that you are a big old bundle of hormones right now, so maybe write down the main points that you want to discuss, to help keep yourself on track and try your very best not to let your emotions get away from you. Ask him WHY he isn't want to spending time with you and your child, is there tension at night...do you possibly meet him at the door with a litany of requests or complaints? ( I am not trying to lay the blame at your feet...just giving you something to think about!!)
Talk to him about things that he would enjoy doing at night. Does he like to take walks, would he be interested in getting your son involved in a sport of some sort, do board games sounds like fun...there are some games that even the youngest toddler than enjoy. Maybe you could plan a date night once a month....find a babysitter and the two of you get out and just enjoy each other's company...rediscover why you fell in love in the first place.
Happy marriages don't just "Happen" they take hard work and commitment and also patience and understanding during the rough spots that visit each of us!!!
Good luck to you

Is your hubby a people person? If not then spending time with people you, the kids is hard for him. Especially if he has to be nice to people all day. My daughter is a nonpeople person. She will be just like your hubby someday. I pray her husband realizes her deep need for alone time. Make the best of when he is sociable. Do things that are fun with your children, tell him what you are doing and go do it, to the park, the pool, wherever. You are in charge of your own happiness. Make memories for the children if he chooses to join you so much the better.

My husband starts work at 5 a.m. every day. He is up between 3:30 and 4 a.m. He has a very physical job. He works til 2 or 3 but sometimes as late s 6 or 7. He generally goes to bed at 9ish. He's 48 years old. My husband comes home from work, plays baseball with our son, mows the lawn, etc. I think there's something going on...is he depressed? Why would he avoid his own family?

I don't think you're being too sensitive. I think he's getting an awful lot of sleep (and I'm a sleeper!) By contrast, my husband gets up at 5.45 but isn't home until dinnertime, and then spends the evening with the family. I'm a teacher and I work with LOTS of people who are up every day at 5, but still don't go to bed until 9 or 10 at night. Even if he really needs the sleep, then I think that he should at least be present with you guys when he is awake. But honestly, if he still needs that much sleep, I would have him see a doctor - while the occasional 11 hour night is nice, I don't think that most people need that on a regular basis.

My husband leaves for work at 430 and does not get home until 5 or 530 each night. Once he is home he is all ours, either watching/playing with the kids so I can cook or have alone time, or all of us hanging outside together. He always stay up until after 8 to help put the kids to bed, and than picks at least 2 nights each week where he will stay up later so him and I can have one on one time. He says he would rather be tired than miss out on his family and children. You are not being overly sensitive at all, your husband needs to step up. He needs to know and understand that his role in the family is as a husband and father, not just a paycheck.

Now, if there is the occasional night when my hubby gets home and it has been a hard day, or he is just tired, than he takes a night for himself, which I think is only fair. Usually he takes one night a week to do his alone stuff, like tonight he is hunting with his friends.

well that is just plain selfish.

He is a HUSBAND and a DAD... and a PART of a family... he is not living alone. He thus has responsibilities.
If he tells you you are too sensitive... then just not do his laundry or anything else 'for' him. Then tell him, he is too sensitive and you are not a maid.

HE IS A PARENT.

Are either of his own parent's that way?
My husband's Dad was like that... my Husband sort of gets like that sometimes... but he said he tries not to, because growing up, he realized that his Dad was just NOT AVAILABLE for him or his Mom. He HATED that.

TELL your Husband... that he is creating a bad legacy and image for his children... and you as his wife. It is selfish. Just so self centered.
HE is creating a 'family' that is not a 'family.'

Tell him get over it.
He is rigid and just not caring.

SHOW YOUR HUSBAND YOUR POST AND THE RESPONSES. That s should knock some sense into him. Hopefully. And show him how immature and self-serving he is being.

all the best,
Susan

Maretta S. said it well. Really pay attention to her last couple of sentences. There is a big difference between being sensitive and wanting to spend some time with your husband, and he should understand that.

I have to address the couple of people who suggested he is depressed: I have a fairly hermit-like husband, and he just likes his alone time, a LOT. He's not depressed. Sometimes I wonder what we will have in common when the kids are gone, so we'd better start figuring out something soon.

Some people need more sleep than others.
My husband needs 8 hours or more to be able to do his job.

For me I would rather see my husband at home resting and be where I know he is then out with buddies or at a bar.

Your husband sounds like a hard working man, he sounds like he is looking for some down time when he gets home.

Try to understand that he needs to relax and rest so that he can function at work.

I think that he should try harder on the weekends.

I wish you all the best.

Your husband is working a 10hr. day. You are working a 18hr day if not more and another on the way. I would say he should spend more quality time with both of you. I don't like to say this however " has he ever thought that when he leaves that door in the morning, he may not see you, his wonderful wife or precious child come home time" 2.5hrs. is so very little. I'm assuming this is wkly. If he has alot of work to do when he comes home, sure have a half hr.nap, get up. Spend some quality time with his son. Then after your son is gone to bed, which is likely early enough, maybe you and him could have at least an hours' quality time together. If he spending all of this time in his office, he needs to back off. It wil only cause him more stress, which in turn does a sloppy job. Like a said a little shut eye, 4am is early, and yeah I'd be dragged out. Then up, spent time with both. If you can help out in his office wel there is quality time being spent there. Just feeling his closeness and knowing that he loves you and only you.
Good luck!! Perhaps he needs a different job, life is to short, enjoy!!

My husband gets up between 4 and 4:30 each morning for work also and works a 10 hour day, getting him home by 4:30 in the afternoon. After he gets home, he does get on the computer and watch home t.v. in order to get some much needed down time but he does manage to make time to make dinner with me, eat dinner as a family and help the kids out with their homework. The goal is for him to go to sleep by 8 p.m. but that never really happens so I know he is seriously sleep deprived during the week which is why I have no problem letting him sleep in to whenever on his days off.

So, yes, I do believe that your husband should be able to squeeze in a little bit more family time than he has been giving and, no, you are not being too sensitive. The one thing that really concerns me is that your husband is sleeping anywhere from 9 to 11 hours each night. To me, that sounds like a lot. How's his health? May want to suggest that he check in with his doctor to see if there's any medical reason why he needs so much sleep and is low energy. Just a thought . . .

Ok 2 things, does he have sleep apnea? Require ALOT of sleep and or stop breathing when he sleeps, because it sounds like he is sleeping excessively which is something people with apnea do, or is he depressed. Either of those things would cause him to recluse back into his office. Its not normal and you do have a right to feel sensitive about it. Maybe it is a medical thing, if not, its time for him to buck up and get on the band wagon, he helped make these kiddos he can help take care of them, and playing with and being with them is taking care of them too.

So if he got off at 5:30 and went to bed around 9 or 10, how would that be different?

If you are feeling lonely you need to go in his office and bring the baby and some toys, or invite him to come spend time with you when he does go to his office. My husband is a computer geek and forgets that just cause he is in the house does not mean we are spending time together. If he does not take you up on the invite or asks you to leave his office you may need to pry and see what he is hiding from. When I invite my husband out of his office and have him come join the family I feel like I am nagging him, but my husband assures me men are simple creatures and need hit in the head with a brick once in a while to remind them there are others in the house.

WOW!! sounds kinda like my situation my FH works 3rd shift and is gone at night leaving me to tend to our 15 month old and he doesn't come home right when he gets off work he works out with the boys at the local fire dept. and like you stated this is his routine each and everyday, yet he fusses at me when i ask him when are we going to spend some family time together, i mean not only that when is he gonna do his part around here too, i cut grass and all that implies with the yard work, clean house, wash clothes, cook supper, and all that implies with being a "housewife" yet i also have a full time job, i am anxious to see what the posts will bring, i need someone elses insight too, sorry i rambled and didnt offer advice, but maybe it helps just a little to know that you are not alone...... :)

Many of the responses are great but one thing that I didn't see (and I didn't read all 27) is that he could possibly feel left out. You know him better than I do obviously so you be the judge but it could be a possibility. He might feel like you guys have a good routine and that his presence is an interference rather than a welcome addition. In no way am I suggesting that your actions have created these feelings-he might just see the amount of time you get with your son, or maybe he feels that your son listens to you more, or something similar. Just a suggestion.
Good Luck!

could be that he is just plain tired and stressed from working. some husbands resent that the mom gets to stay home... some feel stress with providing for a new baby too. It might be nothing but him just being tired.

You could suggest a famuly time with a purpose - like a baby swim lesson weekly - this is a 1 hour committment and see if he is interested or if he says he is too tired or needs to work, then ask about that - gently.

You didn't say if you have talked to him about this in a calming, non-threatening way. Could you write something about that, assuming you have already done that?

My husband did the same thing. Talking to him about it never helped, only made things worse. One trick is to ask him to watch your kid when he gets home from work while you go do something. Then be gone for several hourt s. Another thing to try is if he complains or says he can't watch your kid, hire a babysitter in the house while he is there. It will annoy him enough, probably, to send the babysitter away.

Men usually think women are too sensitive. Don't tell him how you feel in a negative way, because it just makes him want to cave more. Men need cave time, but then they need to come out after a while. Most women try to talk to their husband and do stuff with him when he gets home, and most men don't want to talk to anyone and want to hide for awhile when they get home.

Another thing to try is scheduling yourself into more outside activities that are fun and see if he wants to participate, like what did he used to want to do? Does he like sports or what? You start doing what he likes, without inviting him, and ask him to either watch the kid or hire a babysitter if he wants to come. You've gotta act like you don't care that he is caving and move on with your life, and then he will creep out of the cave.

From experience,
Marci

Sounds like he is hiding, NO you aren't being overly sensitive. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Sounds like he needs more rest than normal, which should be checked out by his doctor, or he is just trying to hide, which is abnormal. My husband works 10-12 hour nights 6 days a week so I know what its like to not have hubby available so much, but its in a different way. I hope things get better for you!!

Hi, I just wanted to let you know, you aren't alone. My husband is/was very similar. First thing home he would disappear into his office and barely come out. I, too, was very frustrated and disappointed. The hardest part is that I could understand if he was doing something important (paying bills, etc) but when he just is randomly surfing the Internet while I'm cooking and entertaining our son, it would drive me crazy.

For me, there were a couple of things going on. First, the honest truth is that little kids are wearing to him. He loves our son, but he can only handle small doses. As our son gets older, he is enjoying him more and more. Secondly, he did agree to go see a psychiatrist and that has been amazing. I personally can't stand taking medicine, but, wow, did getting on some anti-depressants make a huge difference. I know not every man who "hides" is depressed, but sometimes there truly is a chemical/medical issue going on. If your husband is open to at least exploring that option, it really has made a huge difference! I used to cry all the time, thinking "is this really my life," but not anymore. Now my husband is out of his office and interacting with us and living again. He is exercising, planted us a garden, and taking my son places on the weekends when I need to work.

He still needs some time to himself to unwind (he is introverted), but if it gets too much, he is much more open to hearing it. I hope something changes for you soon as I know it can be very difficult. And, like some others said, find something for you that allows you to get away sometimes. Good luck.

I wasn't going to respond, but you got some scary scenarios and I wanted to add a little levity! You don't mention thinking something is wrong with him or thinking anything else is going on, so.... I think he's a guy who likes a lot of time to himself.

My husband would talk all day about how much he missed our daughter while at work, then he'd spend 5 minutes with her and be done! This is very typical. Having said that, it's obviously frustrating you. Here's what I would do, and not do. Telling him you need him to spend more time with the family is pretty vague and he probably won't know what to do with that, leading him back to his office. But having specific things set up could help. Like saying, "we're going to play x game or do x activity in 5 minutes, please come down for that". Or saying, "I'm going to cook/clean/read/leave for 1/2 hour, I need you to be with your son". Letting him know you understand he likes time to himself, but you all miss his company is good. Adding in specific ways for him to spend time supports that. You're sort of meeting in the middle- he will likely always be that independent guy, but you can have your needs met as well.

Good luck!

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I can think of all kinds of possible scenarios behind this situation - I have a fairly good imagination and some experience - but that doesn't matter. This is a time for counseling. When married people stop communicating for any reason, it's serious. If your husband won't go for counseling with you, go by yourself. If it boils down to a personality situation which can't be changed, you still need to learn how to manage it. If there's anything else, it needs to come out. A counselor's office is a better place for that than a home where little pitchers with big ears are listening and absorbing everything.