3 Yr Old Daughter Out of Control

A.,
I'd recommend checking out the Love and Logic approach. (I went to the website "www.loveandlogic.com" and cut & pasted some of the FAQs for you -- see below). They have great books/tapes that teach you this disciplining method. I really like it because it teaches you to address the issue BEFORE you get frustrated/angry. For example, when your daughter doesn't do what you've told her to do -- you don't keep asking...instead, you say, "Oh, that is so sad. Now you need to spend some time in your room." Then put her in her room (I used a gate at the door) and tell her she can come out when she is ready to be "sweet." They also teach you to avoid power struggles by giving your daughter a lot of choices..."do you want a fork or a spoon?" Do you want the green cup or the red cup? Do you want to take a bath NOW or in two minutes? Do you want to turn the TV off now or in two minutes..." When kids feel like they have some control, they don't fight you so much.

Anyway, this has been very useful to me. I think the library would probably have some of the books/CDs, etc. that you could check out. I've found that when I apply the Love and Logic principles consistently, my daughter's behavior is really good. Plus, I'm not getting frustrated and angry.

Also - there are lots of people trained in Love and Logic who offer seminars throughout Denver. I see these advertised at churches, pre-schools, etc. I went to one at my daughter's preschool (one night a week for six weeks) and it was helpful as well.

Hope it helps!
L.

Here's the Q&A:

What is Love and Logic?

Love and Logic is a philosophy of raising and teaching children which allows adults to be happier, empowered, and more skilled in the interactions with children. Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. Logic allows children to live with the consequences of their choices. Love and Logic is a way of working with children that puts parents and teachers back in control, teaches children to be responsible, and prepares young people to live in the real world, with its many choices and consequences.

Who can benefit from Love and Logic?

Almost anyone will benefit from the Love and Logic approach. Our products especially help parents and teachers enjoy working with children through easy-to-use techniques. The Love and Logic approach helps children develop and grow in a healthy way, provides them with confidence and dignity, and teaches them how to become more responsible. The possibilities are limitless.

How is Love and Logic different from other approaches?

Love and Logic offers adults an alternative way to communicate with children. The Love and Logic techniques produce immediate results because the techniques are simple, practical, and easy to learn. The concepts behind Love and Logic place a heavy emphasis on respect and dignity for children and at the same time allows parents to grasp simple approaches instead of learning difficult counseling procedures.

Does The Love and Logic Institute, Inc. provide counseling or therapy services?

The Love and Logic Institute, Inc. does not provide counseling or therapy services. If you need mental health assistance, we recommend you contact a local referral service. Although Love and Logic is not a substitute to therapy, it can be a powerful addition. The philosophy encourages healthy communication and gives people a glimpse of how a healthy family functions. It also provides easy-to-learn techniques that can be applied immediately.

When is a good time to start using Love and Logic?

It's never too late for parents to begin using the Love and Logic techniques regardless of whether the family has a teenager or a toddler. Of course the best time to start using Love and Logic is before the infant can walk. Our experience indicates that 8 - 9 months of age is a wonderful time to apply the techniques. Even if children don't understand spoken language, they do grasp the general ideas of what we say to them. No matter what the age of the child, the best time to start Love and Logic is now.

What is the best way to get a spouse, loved one, or friend to adopt Love and Logic?

The best way to share the Love and Logic message is to hand the person one of our tapes and say, "could you use some laughs?" The powerful content will allow them to discover for themselves how the techniques can help build a healthy relationship with children.

Our Tenth Anniversary Journal Collection contains the article "When Parents Don't Agree On Raising Children" which addresses the issue of spouses who differ in methods of raising children.(paperback $17.95)

I'm just starting out. What products should I buy?

The following products provide a foundation for learning about the general concepts and techniques of Love and Logic:

Avoiding Power Struggles With Kids (CD $13.95)
"Didn't I Tell You To Take Out The Trash?!" (CD $13.95)
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Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants (available in CD $13.95 or book $5.95)
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I think Love and Logic is a really great system as well. I've heard lots of stories about kid's behavior completely changing once their parents started using this.
I also agree that you have to follow through, every time. Also, don't do things to her that you don't want her to do to you. This means yelling, hitting, ignoring her, etc. My daughter is also 3 and I've found that when I say something like " Mommy doesn't do that to you because it would hurt your feelings. When you do that to me, it hurts my feelings. Please stop." it's really quite effective ( if the behavior doesn't stop, then she goes directly to time-out). When you engage in a power struggle, yelling and arguing and getting angry, you're not teaching your daughter how to appropriately deal with situations. I'm not saying that you're doing any of this, but without knowing a lot about your parenting style it sounds like maybe the follow through or the consistency has been missing in your dicipline. Kids aren't born "bad", but they will push limits as far as you'll let them go. Good luck!

Love and Logic parenting for early childhood. It's a great book. you can get it and other Love and Logic materials by Jim and Charles Fay and Foster Cline at the library. Or online at half.com or www.loveandlogic.com. It will change your life. You CAN get her to listen! It's not too late!

I'm sorry to hear that your 3 yr old is out of control. I went and am going through (it sounds like) the same thing. I have been working with some people that have given me some suggestions that have helped. Now when I ask or tell him to do something, and he does not want to do it I very firmly tell him it is not a choice and take him by the hand and make him do whatever it is. At first it was a real fight but as time goes on it has gotten better. It is hard being a single mom, I hope it gets better for you.

M.

I was a teacher for 2 and 3 year olds for four years. The biggest mistake that anyone (teacher, babysitter, parent) can make with this age is to not follow through. If you say, sit down, and she doesn't, then threaten her. "Sit down or you will go to your room" That is her only chance. If she doesn't sit down, tell her to go to her room (she will probably ignore you still) and then you need to physically take her and lock her in her room (1 minute for every year, so three minutes). They're much smarter than they put out. Only threaten what you can follow through with, and follow through with everything you say. If you don't, they know they don't have to listen.

Good luck!