Help with Difficult Toddler

Try a website called www.beyondconsequences.com. It is written specifically for adoption parents and for children who may have attachment disorder. However, I find it helpful for all my clients. Also, www.postinstitute.com, by Doctor Post, deals with similar issues.
C. Lennox, LPC

When there is a separation between birth mother and child, often times the child develops an attachmen disorder called Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD. Given what you have described, chances are good your child has these issues. Early intervention with attachment therapies can help you and your child develop a healing bond and overcome much. TCU has a department called The Hope Connection that specialized in attachment issues with adopted children that can be very helpful. They do seminars, individual therapy, camps and more. Dr. Karen Purvis and Dr. David Cross head this program. They can be reached at: ###-###-####. An excellent therapist who specialized in RAD is Barb Rila: ###-###-####. These people can guide you to many sources of help and information. Do some research on this disorder that is based in trust and attachment. They can also guide you to some medical doctors who may be able to help with some of the affects of the drug/alcohol issues. Be encouraged, there is help available and early intervention techniques can change your child's life. This is more than just a strong willed child. Also check out Theraplay therapy. These techniques you can use at home to develop a healing bond.

I am the adoptive mother of 3 RAD kids. These people and services have helped our family immensely. God bless you!

G., My son who is now 14 went through alot of the same things. He was our first child so we didn't know these behaviors (the extremes) weren't normal. My husband and I read all the parenting books and they each left us feeling like failurs as parents. They never seem to really address all we were living through. We love our son yet at times we felt so isolated by his behavior. We couldn't go out to eat, the park and sometime even church because we never knew what was going to happen next. Our home became a place of just surviving. Our family and friends didn't understand and that made the isolation even greater. Then God placed a wonderful lady in our path that loving suggested maybe it was more than our lack of parenting skills. We began the journey and at age 6 our son was finally diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. After much trial and error, we found the medicine that works best for him and our home was once again a place of rest. We still have some tough times but I have to say he has come along way and I love the young man he is today. I pray your answer is simpler, at the same time I know how lonely it can feel when you see your child hurt and you nor they understand why.

We use a parenting technique with our twins called Parenting with Love & Logic. It was developed by Jim Faye (a former educator) and Foster Cline (a psychiatrist). Its a wonderful system of raising children and is especially helpful with special needs children. It is used in homes and schools across the country. They have a website. To get started, go to your local library and check out Parenting with Love & Logic and their Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood (Jim Faye & Charles Faye). Read the first half of the L&L book -- it teaches the basic techniques. The Early Childhood teaches how to adapt the techniques to preschoolers and infants. Note of caution -- try one technique at a time until its second nature. Also, when making changes to behaviors, it always looks worse before it gets better. Hang in there!

In all likelihood your child was born with a nutrient deficiency originating with the birth-mother's situation that affects neurological and hormonal balance. Studies have been done with children with fetal alcohol syndrome--I can dig out the DVD with info on it if you'd like and send it to you--and a regimen of glyconutrients and phytonutrients made a significantly positive difference. There is a new area of study called "nutrigenomics" which has shown that nutrients (and lack of them) affect genetic expression. If I were you I would definitely get your toddler on a therapeutic nutritional program for a year and watch the improvements.
For more info feel free to get in touch with me. I am a certified Glyconutrient consultant and personal life coach.
I live in Grapevine, TX now, but I lived in Abilene for 12 years when my children were young. My cell is ###-###-####.
Hope this helps.

As a special ed teacher, I agree with Carla. You should contact ECI. You can ask your pedi how to get in touch with your local office. The earlier you can have her evaluated the better the chance for you to fix the problem.

Hi patience and biggest thing of all is consistent. choose a spot for her to go every time she has an outburst and get down to her level and tell her why she is going there and not to come out till you say a minute for each year. never tolerate the fits good luck and forget what its biological parents where.

Hi G., It sounds like you are in the same situation as I am. I had 3 son's, then adopted my youngers son at 3 days old. They are now 25,23,20,& 18. Almost 4 yrs ago this come Sept My uncle showed up at my house with his grand daughter, preg and due to have a girl! I am not close to this side of my family but we have stayed in contact over the yrs. so a few days lter the baby was born and I was called and asked to come to the hospital to see the baby. I did not go, afraid to get attatched to the little girl. A week later the birth mother showed up at my house with the baby, a few days later she moved in. I did my best to keep busy not get to close but the mother was not caring for the child and would let her lay and cry alot. So I took over and after 3 months could not handle the birth mother's attitude. I told her to get out! she popped off and said "well if i go so does the baby" i told her ot give me a minute and i would have her ready. She was shocked and told me and my husband Merry XMas she was ours. So we have had her and she will be 5 soon. The child cried day and night and was only content while i was holding and rocking her, never slept. She was happy but just was not right. I After raising my 4 boys i knew she was so different and something was wrong. I took her to my Pedi who I had for several yrs and he told me it was due to the birth mom doing drugs and drinking. i knew she did that but thought she had brains to stop! She later told me she and her mother ( my cousin) smoked pot 2 days before the birth on the way to my house. So these last 4 yrs have not been easy, I am going on 44 yrs old now and I refuse at times to leave the house afraid of how she will act. She is so sweet at times and i love her to death. Then there are times she has outburst and does nothing but scream all day long. she is very smart. At the age of 2 i had taught her all her letters, and numbers up to 10 and I could speel out words and she would tell me what the words spelt. I just give her so much attention and love and pray for the best. My Pedi Dr told me on one visit while he stood outside of the room watching her in one of her fits, to put her in a big padded box when she tries to hurt herself. No I would never do such a thing! I just remind myself along with Hubby and boys to be patient with her and strick! But do love her for who she is. She did not ask for this life. Please feel free to email me anytime. If you just want to yack or just need support to get through the day.

Hi G.,

Have you ever heard of Love & Logic?-Jim and Charles Fay There are seminars and CD's available to help parents allow children to make choices and if the choice is not a good one deal with the consequences of their decision. The younger you start the easier it is, but at any age you can implement the program. There may be someone in your communitiy that is a Love and Logic instructor.

It is an awesome program and will allow you to love parenting even with the strong willed child. To give you an example of a Love and Logic learning opportunity that I had with my child is as follows: My son had a good friend over for play after school and I asked the boys to play in the back yard or the side yard. They ended up in the front yard and when I approached my child and gave him the choice again to play in the back or side yard he blew up at me. And started telling me that I can not control him etc. And then with his little temper he started to run directly towards a sprinkler head that was sticking out of the ground and he kicked and broke it. Normally I would have been mad, but I just calmly said to my son that we would need to take his friend home now. I let the other child know he was not at fault and would be welcomed back at a later date. My son pleaded and cried to me to let his friend stay. Of course we drove his friend home and not a word was said until his friend got out of the car and my son said he was so sorry for breaking the sprinkler head, he did not know that it would break. I was still calm and said don't worry when your dad gets home you will need to go to the store with him and buy a new sprinkler head with your money and you may want to watch how he fixes it so you know how to take care of it next time. ANd I added don't forget to ask your father how much it cost for his time because he will need to be paid for his time. My son was so upset as soon as we were home he tried to tape the sprinkler head. Of course it did not work, but I thought it was a good try.

Now I called my husband to get him updated on the situation. And when my husband came home they went right to fixing the sprinkler head. My son was so excited that it was fixed and told me it cost $10.00 for the sprinkler head. I asked him how much dad's time was and he said $5.00. I also asked him how long it took to fix and he said about a minute, Dad is expensive!

For the next 3 weeks my son was so sorry and kept telling me how sorry he was for his temper. the best thing is I was so calm and my son has never done that since. He paid a small price now because later in life the price kids pay are much higher. that is love and logic. It is awesome! They have a website and I think it is loveandlogic.com.

I hope this helps.

Sally

Grettle i know just how you feel. I have a 2 year old grandson who lives with me and im 45 and he is such a handful. I dont know if it is because im 45 and he is 2 or what. He has alot of medical problems as well as he just would not mind. So i started looking on the internet doing reasearch on childrens behavior, low and behold i came across dairy products and how they can effect a childs behavior.I did not think anything about this because he can not have any because of his allergies. But then i look up soy products. Well to make a long story short. He is on rice milk only and this is a completley diff little boy. He sleeps well he eats well and the crying fits have stopped plus our weekly visits to the dr are now once a month. Im not saying this is your babies problem but if u start writting down what you feed the baby and see if it could have any affect on the behavior what could it hurt.

I also have a strong willed child age 8...my best advice is to try and have a ton of patience and try not to react to bad behavior until absolutely neccesary,I know easier said than done!! Believe me I have been here for years dealing with my S.W.C.
They tend to thrive on the negative attention too.
Mine sure does anyhow. She is my birth child and at times she can be incredibly difficult but I love her all the same.I think she is doing alot better now she is a bit older.
She used to fight sleep all night for 3 and 4 hours until she would finally crash at midnight.That was when she was just under age 2.I realized then after hearing from other people about the String Willed Child how she was definetely one.
Hang in there and best of luck to you!!

--M. (____@____.com)

First off I wouldn't say she's got a strong will or that she's even difficult. I would say the situation IS difficult. Children can pick up on thoughts, feelings etc and it seems like there might be a MEDICAL reason for this. Being born from a drug user and a drinker I'm willing to bet that her biological mother didn't stop these habits while she was pregnant. Have you thought of the possibilities that she might have FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) or other inherited issues?
I would get her into a counselor and see if she's having issues that you can't tell?? The anxiety, screaming and hitting sound to me (which I'm NOT a doctor by any means...just a mother!) that she's having some frustration and doesn't know the "appropriate" way to let it out.

Ask your Ped for a support group for "crack" babies. Also there is a whole slew of special needs attached to "crack" babies, you should have been given this information by your Ped, as well as the adoption agency, but if not, she needs to be seen by a specialist that deals with all of her special needs, trust me, this has only just begun, you are going to need a lot of support and information. Good Luck!

Dr James Dobson's book The Strong-willed Child is the best out there. And as others have suggested, make sure there is nothing else going on. Get a complete physical. One of my kids had some behavior issues that turned out to be because he couldn't hear well and he became frustrated when he couldn't understand what people were saying to him (including watching tv). Two trips to the dr solved that issue and some speech therapy for a few months solved that problem.