Seeking Moms Who Have Trouble with Intimacy

Updated on January 31, 2015
D.H. asks from Newark, DE
15 answers

I didn't know how to word that subject, honestly, but what I'm really asking is this: Is there any of you who knows or would like to know what's to enjoy about sex after you've already had the kids? Other than rare one-to-one time with your husband, what's so exciting about it? I enjoy cuddling and affection, but that's about all. I don't need the biological release that men seem to live for, and for them intimacy without that release just doesn't cut it--at least not for long. I just get tired of having him in me somewhere--to me it's hard work and/or a bother.

Before you ask or assume the worst, he DOES wish I'd enjoy it more, and would do most anything to get me aroused, if only it worked that way for me. I get quite annoyed at his getting aroused when I just want to get close. When we were dating, that was one thing. Now it's more annoying. Once in a rare while I will hear of a woman somewhere getting grouchy when she doesn't get that (sexual) need met--but I don't understand them. At all.

You can say to carve some time out, but I think, "for what--to just get stuck somewhere?"

Anything anybody can relate about or suggest to shed new light on this?

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So What Happened?

Wow. Lots of responses. I need to read thru & pick out what helps most. By some of your responses I see that I forgot to mention some things, like my age range, etc.-that MAY have something to do with what's (NOT) going on.
I don't know if I'd be getting any more responses, but I'm old enough to be pondering my oldest one's graduation from high school, in close years. Some of you responded like you could relate to that, even though you maybe didn't know.
But thanks for all the comments. I can use them as I figure this out--or at least try to. I may never fully understand it all though, as I try to figure out the male brain. I know, I know, GOOD LUCK THERE! : )

More Answers



answers from Portland on

I've been married 33 years to a wonderful man whom I love dearly, but we went a stretch of several years during which his childhood religious training about sex had him convinced it was unnecessary. God, those years were hell for me, because I still found him attractive, and because I promised to be exclusively faithful to him when we married, and because my sexual needs did not stop. I thought a few times that I'd have to move out just to stay sane.

For the last few years, we have reconnected, and my husband has become a freer and more generous lover. He admits it has improved everything about our marriage, and is surprised to find that he can still enjoy sex with a saggy 60-some year old woman. And being married has changed from an ordeal for me to a happy partnership again.

Please don't ignore your husband's needs. They can be as acute as a starving person's need for food. You will not be able enjoy sex with your present attitude, sweetheart. And your marriage will suffer for it. I suggest you talking to your doctor and a counselor about this very big problem. It's not just his problem, it is yours, too.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

Say it with me: "Multiple orgasssssmmmmsssss."

If you're not getting them, or being aroused, it's time to head to the doctor and have your hormone levels checked. Sometimes after having kids, your levels don't return to normal. That's okay, and easily correctable with meds. If I were you, I'd look into it just for the sake of deepening that important imtimacy with the husband. You BOTH deserve to have that time together.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

D., I don't know how to tell you to get aroused since you're not interested in getting aroused, other than "Fake it til you make it."

I do know enough after 30 plus years of marriage to tell you that you made a contract with your husband to be a WIFE to him, not a roommate. Being annoyed that he gets aroused when you don't want to is not being a wife to him. If you don't want to "get stuck somewhere", then you need to really start to understand that the place you could get stuck at some point is in the land of divorce. He shouldn't have to live the rest of his life wishing and wishing for a wife who wants him.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

it's an issue. i never stopped enjoying sex altogether, but went through a prolonged post-baby period where my libido tanked, and it DID become more of an obligation than a joy.
what worked for me (imperfectly, but over time it helped) was to remember that our biggest and most sensitive sex organs are between our ears. when i was a horny young missy i scorned the notion of 'scheduled sex' and was all about spontaneity (and frequency) but when i found myself making mental to-do lists on the ceiling i got annoyed with him for a while (poor guy, like it was his fault!) and then started working on putting my head in a better spot. and that means planning. if you're in the middle of doing dishes and 3 loads of laundry and you've just got the kids to bed and are exhausted and have a busy day coming up, getting *surprised* with a boner will not be a welcome treat. BUT....... if you whisper into his ear the night before 'i've got some scrumptious time in mind for YOU tomorrow night- meet you on a blanket in front of the fire after the kids are asleep' and then spend all day anticipating it, you may find that you're pleasantly excited about it.
and not having to fit it into 8 things you're already juggling obviously helps a lot.
at the very least it will be closeness, and you know you're making your beloved partner feel treasured and desired.
but seriously- it's a fact that often what we need during this over-committed and exhausting life phase is a little fantasizing.
for me the ooo-baby came back in my 40s, then set sail once again post-menopause, where the same techniques are still my go-to solution.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

It's a vicious cycle. I suggest you don't enjoy sex because you're repeatedly telling yourself you don't enjoy it. Sex is about feeling loved. Our emotional response affects how we feel about sex. I suggest that a counselor could help you figure out why your heart isn't a part of sexual contact.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

D., I'm thinking a talk with your doctor might be a good idea. Have your hormones checked. Also talk about any medications you might be taking. Some of them do just killkillkill the desire to be intimate.

Only you can know what feels emotionally safe and genuine for you and your husband. Men tend to equate closeness with sex and intimacy... you might look into some sorts of foreplay which allow you to engage with him at a level which feels good for him and doable for you. It doesn't always have to be about intercourse. And make sure he understands that too. Foreplay isn't a requirement for every woman, but let's face it, sometimes we need a bit of coaxing when we are exhausted at the end of the day. He may also just be asking at the wrong time of day.... would you be more interested in the morning? Some people are... just some thoughts.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Wausau on

It's actually pretty normal to go through at certain points in life. It can last for weeks, or sometimes off and on for a period of years, and then one day you'll suddenly feel like you're interested again. It even happens to women that have orgasms, so the comments below about that are silly. The important thing is to keep up communication with your husband.

A lot of people advise women to just push through and get on with it. You rarely hear that said to men. Many people don't understand biology or psychology, and some seem to take personal offence against the topic and can't show compassion. It is true that sometimes if you give it a go you can kick start your desire, but if it doesn't work it isn't because you didn't try hard enough.

Ignore the negativity and suggestions that something is wrong with you as a person. Do see your doctor if you think you may have a physical issue because sometimes that is the case. In the meantime, concentrate on your relationship. Sex is only one kind of intimacy, and a dry spell does not spell doom.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

The bottom line is you are not alone and there's no magic pill. It could be anything from falling out of lust with your partner, a bad relationship, stress, hormone problems, or other medical conditions, like thyroid conditions or menopause. IMO, start looking at various possible causes in your life and evaluate and eliminate each one. I would also talk to him about things like being close. If your closeness need is not met without strings, then that itself can be a cycle. There are some reactions men cannot control, but others they can. Sometimes it is not so much being turned on like a switch, but feeling happy and content with your life and partner. We are not all built the same and we don't all react the same and those who are shaming this poster by saying she's not being a proper partner are not being sensitive.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You have a low libido. Sex is good for you, so first see your doctor, second buy a vibrator as suggested, and as someone else suggested, possibly the more you do it, the more you'll get into it. Maybe you can find other ways to spice it up.

It doesn't mean you're abnormal, but it really would be good for you and your relationship if you worked at gaining some interest in sex. Good luck.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Very complicated.
I do feel that sex is a time to get remarkably closer.
That's how it is for us.
When we're on the "same page" sexually, we get along so much better in daily life. For us, this is a good indicator of how we're getting along.
BUT, I want to say that I think sex has different positions (no pun intended) on the importance scale for different people, and for different couples.
What I think is most important is that a couple is in agreement about intimacy. If none is good for you, and 5x per week is "good" for him? There are probably going to be effects in your relationship. He might get resentful, feel unloved, angry, etc.
If a husband is on the same page as you? If neither partner wants much sex? I do think you can live happily ever after.
Soooooo....only YOU and your husband know what's good for YOUR relationship. That's what you & he have to figure out. And if he's really wanting more? It's probably the kindest & best thing to compromise.
Good luck to you!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Find a sex therapist. Seriously. If that sounds too intimidating, talk to your gyn and ask that person to recommend a sex therapist.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Have him read She Comes First. Vibrator!!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

Some say when there are underlying problems in a relationship, sex is the first thing to go, and the last thing to come back. incompatible drives can be frustrating for both parties.

consider "making a deal" in which you commit to having sex every tuesday morning and sunday evening, or whatever works for you, and in exchange have him agree to intimacy without sex every wednesday morning and thursday night.

when each of you has their needs met willingly and gets the others needs met willingly, it fosters the relationship and can temper the anxiety, and possible growing animosity.

F. B.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Consider your birth control. I had the same issue until I had my IUD taken out. I think your body knows when you can't get pregnant and therefore has no interest in sex. At the same time my husband was super busy and so I felt like he was only interested in me for one reason. Once we made more time for each other things for better. He also understood that sometimes my to-do list distracts me, and made a bigger effort to pitch in around the house, freeing my mind up to think about him. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Oh honey, you're not alone.
Men are hardwired differently than women.
Every once in awhile you will find a woman that has a much higher labido than her husband....but it's not the norm.
Also, I will add this....having kids has changed my direction/attention....
meaning....I make sure the kids are first/taken care of/etc.
By the end of the night I'm tire.
Hubby works hard all day at work so he comes home tired, however....
....for men physical contact means love. For women it's something different, contact, listening, spending time together etc.
So I understand what you are saying.
Try to find other ways to connect w/your hubby like watching a funny 30
min comedy show together. Laughter does a lot of things.
Go out to dinner once in awhile (even if it's w/the helps).
Buy Aeroglide. You can give him a hand job w/it so you're be attentive but
you don't have do everything he wants. He gets his release etc.
I know as I've had kids & I've libid has changed. I tell hubby
what I like is to go do things. You know, get out of the house ect.
I like to create our own intimacy this way: doing things I know he likes, like going to a sporting event, buying his favorite beer, packing his lunch, leaving a short, loving note in his lunch. Then I make sure we do something I like such as going out to dinner etc.
It's a give & take.
It really does take 2 people doing things for each other to make things work.
Try it. I wish you the best of luck!

1 mom found this helpful
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