Rarely Intimate Since Birth of baby...how Often Is Normal After Having Children?

Every couple is different, but I think once a week is pretty standard once kids get thrown into the mix. We often go longer than that, and I feel guilty about it. My goal is once a week!

Age old question. WOuld he be ok with sex and you are more like a vessel? I mean you dont participate so much but he can get alittle something? We can fake some noises and he can get relief, then the one night a week you can muster up the R. thing and both get satisfied. He cant fake it, and beleive me some men do not want it very much and they cant fake it, haha. It will all work out if you give him priority over chores, they wont go away if you ignore them, but he may feel like you dont love and respect him. Men are much more easy and simple to please than we are. Good luck

try moving it up the priority list. instead of doing some other chore that day, leave some energy left for your husband. It'll make life much more pleasant and happy - much more so than if you had done the dishes. :)

I think "normal" is hard to define in any relationship. They key is to remember that the family will suffer and your relationship will suffer without intimacy. As hard as it is MAKE it a priority. No matter how tired you are and how stressed you feel making intimacy a top priority shows your husband that he is still important and that you still appreciate and love him. It will also make your bond stonger and help you feel more connected as a couple. Parenthood is stressful and h*** o* both of you. Make it a priority to go out on a date once a month (at least) just the two of you, whether it's a few hours at the bookstore having coffee and chatting, going to dinner or a movie, you will both benefit from a break and a time to reconnect on an adult level. If your husband is feeling that you aren't intimate enough he is telling you he wants your closeness and attention. Don't make the mistake of telling him that you don't love and appreciate him and back away because of the other demands from your child. Use this as an opportunity to reconnect and be a couple again, the whole family benefits from a strong bond between the two of you.

Some things that really help me... I shave my legs and bikini line every morning no matter what. If the opportunity arises I feel sexy and ready. I have some alone time everyday. I get a jog in before he leaves for work or I have a 15 min break in my room by myself after he gets home checking email or reading.

You probably already know this: Women need to feel loved to have sex, men need to have sex to feel loved.

It is crucial that you "help him out" AT LEAST once a week. (That being said, sometimes I go to 3x/month or so, if illness, exhaustion, visitors, etc., get in the way...)

Can you maybe use hands rather than full participation to increase the frequency? (I'm remembering a scene from Desperate Housewives where Lynette said, "Do I have to be conscious?" and Tom thought a minute, then said, "No" and kept doing what he was doing, lol.)

How much does he help around the house? Let him know that a Tired Mommy is NOT a Sexy Mommy. Men doing housework is the BEST thing they can do to get mom in the mood; when you're not so tired you can think about sex more.

Also, in our house, I try to get him to initiate BEFORE we are getting ready for bed -- I go to bed when I'm tired and want to sleep. If he waits until I'm brushing my teeth, sex is extremely unlikely. But earlier, I'm much more likely to decide to be in the mood.

Talk to your husband. Tell him you love "being with him" and want to work on your rhythms, when it's good and when you want to be left to sleep.

Ask yourself this: What would it take to put me in the mood to make love? You may not know the answer at this point, but the good news is that there is definitely a right answer -or even several right answers - to this question.

As long as he knows you STILL WANT HIM, that will help A LOT.

This article helped me, too:
http://blog.blowfish.com/culture/willing/414

"The idea is this: To have a sexual encounter that's pleasurable for both partners, you don't need to start out being aroused or excited or in the mood. You just need to start out being willing."

So much good luck to you.

has he tried to romance you? Maybe if you start doing little things like leaving notes in his car before he goes to work or go out on dates or just do little things like that for him, maybe he will get the hint and do it for you too? Or try to take a nap when your baby does (even just 30 minutes can really boost your energy). For us we try to make it at LEAST 3-4 times a week. We have a 2 and a 4 year old, and I work 15 hours a week outside the home when my husband gets home, and I do photography. Sometimes even when the kids don't go to sleep on time because they are too wound up, we still stay up and wait till they are sleeping (even if it's already 10pm) because we take time to show each other that even though we are tired, we are still important to each other. Also, I think the more you try to have sex, the more it will become a habit and you will enjoy it more.

You sound pretty normal to me. I don't have much to offer you by way of advice (I see that lots of people here are suggesting that you put it higher on your list of priorities, etc)...I'll just tell you, plain and honest, how it is for me. Hope this answer doesn't contain tmi, but here goes...

I love my husband, and we've never had a problem in the bedroom. But, ever since my son was born, I feel like I would rather do just about anything other than be intimate. I'm exhausted 24-7...I feel like my body is different than it used to be, so don't feel at all sexy...the house in covered head-to-toe in baby paraphernalia, which is hardly a turn-on. My libido basically shut off the day I gave birth. When my husband suggests intimacy these days, I have to consciously check myself to avoid blurting out "UGH - no!" so I don't hurt his feelings. Some days the though of sex is merely not-appearling...and other days it is, frankly, revolting. lol...so sad, but it's true! It's very rare that I'm "in the mood" (happens occasionally).

If your husband is getting it once a week, please don't let him talk to my husband because I don't want my husband to expect it this often...he'll be disappointed. ;)

The best I can do for my husband is, be a good sport and give-it-up as often as I can deal...and explain to him, as best I can, that it's not him, I just feel weird and tired hormonal since giving birth, and I know it's hard for him to understand but to please be patient. So far he's dealt with it pretty well...albeit, with a reasonable amount of grumbling. I don't think my marriage is going to suffer long-term for this.

Sorry for your troubles...we all understand! Good luck!

After my first I think we did not do "it" for about 3 months, since the baby was colicky and I was recovering from a stage 4 (front to back) episiotomy (should probably have had a C-section instead of the vacuum extraction after 16 hours of labor and baby distress). We did other things (mostly me to him and he would reciprocate by a back or foot massage). After I healed we still had a lesser frequency than before baby. As long as you both feel fine with it, then you are OK with any frequency. If one feels left out, then maybe it is time to talk. Maybe tell him that if he takes care of the baby all day Saturday and lets you sleep late and take a walk then during baby's nap you will have energy to enjoy it. Alternately, you could "let him have his way with you" even though you are not exactly in the mood. I found that I would enjoy sex even though I thought I would prefer sleep. I do not think there is a "normal", some people think once a day is not enough and others think once a week is just fine. Good luck.

Hey C.,

We have four children ranging from 15 to 4 and it is still hard to find the time!! LOL Once your baby gets a little older it will become easier and you won't feel so exhausted. Try not to get too stressed out about it because then you will be anxious and start treating it like a chore, which is not good either. Talk to your hubby and explain how you feel. He'll understand.

I think once a week is great but I have a hubby also that likes sexual intercourse everyday but I think that is because we are a military family and will go without for year...lol. I would say it is hard to have sex with a newborn our son is 1 month and some and when he sleeps is the time we have for our play time. If he feels that you all need to have sex more tell me to make it worth your wild...such as when the baby goes to sleep start being romantic and once you feel calm and all romanced up it will just come natural. Once a week is good at least it happens, there are times that I want to say NO!! I am soooo sleepy but he tries really hard and makes me feel calm and loved. It will happen more if you have help too so your not so tired...my hubby now tries to help more and it makes me feel less tired.

HA! I would LOVE once a week, but in this case it's the Daddy who doesn't wanna put out... I am rationed to once a month. I am not sure if it's because of our son or not. I find that it really helps my sex drive to workout... give that a shot and see if it helps boost yours. If not, I can donate some of mine since it's not being utilized! lol

Once a week is fine. We have 3 kids, 12,10 and 22mo. and we "do it" once a week. If your husband wants it more often, tell him to help you out a little more and you won't be so tired.

I think once a week is totally fine. I don't know how the mom below can possibly have sex 3-4 times a week! But good for her. Sometimes we get so busy it's only once a month, but it still works for us.

Very normal for new mom to lose interest in sex w/ new baby. You're soooo tired! Also very normal for hubby to get impatient for sex before you are ready. He's not as tired! Also he's male! i think once per week in the year after your new baby is probably very normal. However while that's plenty for you it sounds like it's not enough for your hubby. Tired as you are, it's good for your marriage to have sex a bit more often to keep him happy. Not every night constantly, but if you are willing more often and he's willing to keep it to only 2-3x a week it's a healthy compromise? Sex after babies got a lot more appealing when I stopped thinking of it as one more chore or responsibility on my plate and started thinking of it as a time at the end of the day when my hubby pampered me (great back rubs!). Ask him to pamper you a bit (massage? more foreplay?); if he just wants quickies every night and it's not luxurious for you then no, it's not going to hold much appeal for you. If this becomes a sweet little treat a few nights a week you might start craving it again :-) Good luck & have fun :-)

We were about 1 a week after my son, but I had friends who were at about 1 a month with their kids, and other friends who were still all over each other. Find your own normal.

I also let hubby know that the best aphrodisiac for me was a clean kitchen and vacuumed floors. It took some discussion for him to realize he got to work 8-9 hours a day with a lunch break and weekends and holidays (oh, and he actually got to go to the bathroom through out the day ALL BY HIMSELF!). I worked 14-16 hours a day, no evenings, no weekends, no holidays-ever! Vacations meant extra work.

Once both of those sank in he did a lot more, which helped me be less tired and more in the mood.
Good Luck.

if it is your first or second child together than intimate relations are rare if at all in the first few month the baby tend to grab all of your attentions and energy so you would need to have it sat in your mind that this day you are going to do this and don't do anything else that would tirer you out.

We went to once a week after the baby was born. If I'm up for it maybe more but usually once a week. I'm usually too tired for once a week but I force myself to keep my husband happy. It's totally normal to feel this way. You'll also have more energy when your daughter is a little older. Hope this helps!

Hi C.,
the best suggestion I can give you, is that you have to compromise. You have to understand that your man could be feeling a little neglected. I know you are tired, but if you just give in a little, it might just be enough. Who knows it might make the marriage stronger.
good luck!

Put it on the top of your list! I could go to once a month because I'm so tired! In fact I think I'd be fine with once a YEAR. I hear women talk about their sex drive....I'm in sex park!! I don't 'need' sex but my husband does. It's so important to keep the intimacy going and my relationship is so much better when we are having at least 2 intimate nights a week. I dread it but I always end up enjoying myself and feel closer to my husband. After a few weeks I started to look forward to our alone time. I don't think there is any perfect number. I know people who have sex every day...I can't imagine wanting it every day!! Making sure your husband's physical needs are satisfied is important just like he should make sure your needs are met. Wanting to have sex all the time is something very few people experience their whole life. We aren't teenagers anymore! It is so easy for men to get excited that it can seem like something is 'wrong' with us because our bodies don't work that way.

Personally I shoot for 3 times a week for my husband's sake, I could honestly take it or leave it most days. I figure the more kids you have the more the frequency will go down, so that's with one kid only so far.

For you guys, I would try to go for more than once a week. If your husband seems to want it more, try to go for twice a week to meet him in the middle. I know it's hard when you just don't feel like it.

If you are too tired at night, get creative... she is still taking a lot of naps at 8 months, right? What time does your husband get home? Leave for work in the morning? I'm sure he'd be happy to fit it in the schedule whenever you want him to.

I also suggest you be very clear with your husband what exactly will put you in the mood. And I mean emotionally, not physically. For example it was a major turn-off for me to do all the dishes, the bath, get everything packed for the next morning, etc then fall into bed next to my husband who has been lying there leisurely watching TV for over an hour while I was working around the house and tending to the baby. Basically told him I would feel more "intimate" toward him if we were sharing the household duties at night and both relaxing in bed at the same time, with some "how was your day" pillow talk first... Whatever it is that will help you want to 'be" with your husband at the end of a long tiring day, tell him.

Once a week is reasonable but more is better. Sex is a great way to relax as well as get closer to your husband. Your husband is thinking about it more because it happens so seldom. I'd plan times to be together. Put the baby to bed early or get a babysitter. These things worked for us and our relationship has remained strong. I have four children and got tired too but I made sex/alone time a priority and it has payed off. We are both satisfied and happy. And I'm less stressed/tired when dealing with the
At first your husband is going to focus on the sex, but when that need is taken care of, it won't always take sex to fill the need. Small touches every time you see each other can keep the flame going as well, plus once it's a regular thing, you'll find that your husband doesn't worry so much about the sex because he knows you're willing to do that for him. He'll still think about it but it won't be at the forfront of his mind.

I think its very normal to be once a week or less! For the first 6 weeks, its off limits anyway. Then you have to actually find the time when baby is asleep-something we had a hard time with. You will find your rythme eventually and it will feel right. Sometimes its hard for guys to adjust expectations but you can't have the same relationship that you did before baby.

I'm with the ladies that say what is your normal? Honestly, I feel your pain. We haven't had a "normal" sex life since my first child was born (we still managed to have another one ;-) ). I'm lucky because my husband doesn't put any pressure on me (even tho sometimes I wish he would) but I still feel we are intimate even if we don't have as much sex as we used to.

I do believe in making time for it once in a while tho, it helps get in the mood more often, honestly, the more you do it, the more you want it but if you're over tired and have no energy, you don't want to do it ever.

One of the ladies told her husband the best aphrodisiac was a clean kitchen and vacuumed floor, I second that and if your husband can understand you get NO time off, EVER, than he'll be one step ahead of many men and that's the best aphrodisiac for me.