How Much Sex?

Updated on September 10, 2010
C.K. asks from Plainfield, IL
41 answers

Here's the issue: For years, the amount of sex my husband and I have has been a point of contention in our marriage. He perpetually wants more (frequency, duration, and variety), whereas I'm just not all that interested. Before having children, twice a month was just fine for me and I didn't mind if it was about the same way every time. My Husband, on the other hand, tells me how other couples have sex 3-4 times per week, and how jealous he is of them. So there has been this big disconnect in what has otherwise been a wonderful loving, supporting, 7 year marriage.

Enter in two small children, a 2.5 year old and a 3 months old baby. After my first, we did ramp back up to 1-2 times per month, but it took about a year. And since the new baby was born, we've only had sex once. I work full time, and by the time the kids are in bed and I'm done getting ready for the next day, sex is the last thing on my mind. Even on weekends when there is more time, I'm still not interested. I feel like what little libido I used to have is now gone.

So here are my questions for you ladies:
How long did it take for you after you had a baby to get your libido back?
How often are you having sex with your partner?
Who's expectations do you think are closer to "normal"? My husband at 3-4 times/week or me at once every other week?
Has anyone seen a doctor about having a low libido?

I realize that this is a very personal issue, and I greatly appreciate your feedback and candor. Thanks!

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So What Happened?

WOW!! Thank you all so much for your candid answers. I didn't realize that it really was me that needed an attitude adjustment. So I've basically took the advice that not having sex is much harder and more detrimental than having sex, and have been "at it" a couple times a week since. Even if I'm not in the mood, I just get to it anyway with my hubby, and suddenly my mood starts changing. Needless to say, he's been VERY greatful, and is really wondering what on earth has changed!

Featured Answers



answers from Anchorage on

Read "the proper care and feeding of husbands". some of it is outdated, but some of it is really right on. Fact is, men relate desire and affection with sex, so if you are never interested in it, you are telling him you are not interested in him, that you do not love him. Fact is, the more you have sex, the more you will want it, so if you start saying yes once or twice a week even if you are tired, ect... ect...., you will find you are enjoying it more and more, and than wanting it more and more. Sex really is an important part of any relationship. Would you want to me married to a man that never talked to you, or really showed you that he loves you? Because in essence that is exactly what you have been doing to him.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Cincinnati on

I like this question, and like you I do not have the time or interest. I have a 5 and 2 year old, and cannot imagine making sex a priority above the daily activities. Those posters who said they have sex every day, or 5 times per week, is NOT the norm. I'm happy for them! It must be nice! I haven't had sex with my husband every single day, ever! Not even when we first met. We certainly made the time several times a week, but after kids, my libido is non-existent. I do not feel horny with fantasy, or visual stimulation like a love scene in a movie, it does nothing for me. I love my husband and I'm attracted to him, so I do make a point to have sex (3x per month or so) so that he gets a "fix". I'm embarrassed to say that is it quick, and there's very little foreplay. Who has the time? LOL Not me, I guess.

I look forward to reading all these answers you get.

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answers from Los Angeles on

My husband and I have sex about 2-3 times per week. It took me several months after our baby was born to get back to that.

What gets me fired up to have sex is just thinking about how much my husband does for the family. Sure I would say "I work a lot, I tend to the kids, I do the housework, I drive all over town to sports, school, errands, shopping, etc" but one thing I realized is the word "I" was prevalent in my ranting!

I don't like neglecting my husband just like I wouldn't like it if he neglected me. He helps with chores, works A LOT and is a fantastic father to our kids.

He takes care of my needs so I WANT to take care of his. Once I started with that way of thinking, I found that I NEEDED to be intimate with him. Our connection is stronger than ever. It’s a comforting feeling.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Modesto on

Believe it or not "Not having sex is harder than having sex". The best way for you to go guilt free and send your husband off to work happy is to have morning sex before you even get out of bed. It sets the pace for the day and you dont feel bad for neglecting him and he feels good that he got "laid" that morning.
And save the good sex for when you truly feel like a good ol' romp like you used to have back in the "lust" days.
Men do eventually learn that the sex is way better when the woman wants to do it too, but they will settle for it anytime even if it's just a quickie.
If you make it seem like a chore like washing dishes, it makes the husband feel bad, he wants you to want him, it's all about the ego.
Inasmuch as all women feel bogged down with children, jobs, and housework, we should never let our husband just fall away like he doesnt exist. Too many women do that, when it is so easy to spend a few minutes making love so you both feel better afterwards.
Mom and Dad have to take care of each other first, and the rest becomes much easier.
A relationship feels and is so much more secure when you keep yourselves first in the relationship, and making love on a regular basis.
A good man that helps around the house, mows the lawn, helps with dishes, bathes kids, runs to the store for milk and bread, is usually the man who feels like his wife loves him....and sex is a big part of the love equation for men.
The fact that a husband wants to have sex with you is a compliment, he just wants to feel that as well.
Bottom line, take good care of your man, they are good to have around.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

Your hubbys friends are lying to him haha
In all seriousness.

Right now I have NO real libido...but that's because I'm 39wks pregnant, feel like a whale, and am kinda scared sex will hurt.

After my first son was born...I honestly could not get enough sex. I couldn't wait the FULL 6 weeks that I was supposed to. I got close...

Otherwise during "normal" circumstances Me and my hubby probably have sex 1 - 2 times a week...but then there are times where we don't have sex for 2 weeks, or some weeks we go CRAZY and have a lot more. All depends on stress, lack of sleep, timing etc

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Here is what I know about me and sex: the more I do it, the more I want it and I've found that I need to take advantage of those feelings very soon after and just go for it again -- say, the next day. When we have dry spells, then have sex, I'm ramped up again. I also find that when I THINK about it during the day it gets me going for later that evening.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

I can tell you, after 21 years of being married there were two phases to mine. One when I was happy as a lark and my husband was misserable (and I was oblivious to his real feelings about it) and the second when I realized that I was being selfish by witholding the very thing that made my husband happy. Happy men are better husbands and they are just about as simple as two words: sex and sandwiches. If you are not having sex with them, make them a sandwiche-and suddenly, you will have the most attentive, diaper changing, dish washing, hurry home from work, to be with you kind of guy. You will not be so tired, and you will be happier than you knew you could be. Is it fair that you have to be the bigger person and give him what he wants? No, but that question only matters if you are not really interested in being happy. Do you want to be right, or, do you want to be happy?

Mine, and yours too, give and recieve love through sex. Qualtiy, quantiy, quicky, and variety. If they are not getting it, not much else matters. We can stomp our feet and come up with all the reasons in the world why this does not suit us as women, but it won't help your husband feel any differently. This is how he sees it: he thinks that he is dead last on your list, and not a darn thing you can say to him will change how he feels about that unless you show him how he can see it, and that means sex.

Right now, you probably think that you will be so exhausted that there will be no way that you can have sex 3,4, or 5 times a week, but you can. Leave the laundry and the dishes and have sex with your husband. the more sex you have, the more you want to have sex. Say something dirty to him on his way out the door in the morning, then follow through that night. If the dishes pile up for a while, and you need help with the laundry, then ask your happy husband to help you so that you can go have sex again...he will.

As for the libido, if you really think that it is a medical problem, see a doctor, but from my experiece, if you start thinking about it, and you start talking about it with him, you may find that it is a lot more interesting than you thought it was. If not, see the doctor, and get it checked out, but rise to his desired level of sexual need, and see what happens. I promise you, if you just wisper that really dirty thing in his ear, it won't take long if you are really tired. He will be astounded if you have never done that before. If you don't know what he wants to hear, ask, he will tell you, and don't judge, men are not like us. Just make him happy. In a few weeks, you will start to wonder why this was such a problem for you.

As for the variety issue, once he is not so focused on what he is not getting, and he knows where his next meal is coming from (so to speak) some of that will matter less to him. Right now, he wants you to want him as much as he wants you, and that is a good thing, because as much as we don't get that they show love that way, they don't get it that we don't. You are more capable than he is to fix the issue, and he will be showing you just how crazy he is about it every single time. In return, a relaxed, very happy man, will stumble into doing everything he can possibly think of to make you happier too.

Give it a go hon, you will NOT be sorry you did, I have never regretted resetting my needs around his, not once, and I love it now.


PS: we go at it at least every other day. But, if something happens, he no longer pouts about how many days it was, because he is secure in our sexual relationship. Their egos are all tied up in this, pump his up.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

You might mention to your husband that guys helping their wives with housework is a big turn-on (it actually is for some women for emotional reasons) and that it might leave you with more time and energy to consider the possibility.

The emotional bonds nurtured by a good sex life really keep many couples happier. But that can run on different schedules. I'd say your husbands desires are pretty normal for a guy (though for many that tapers off after a few years of marriage), and yours are pretty normal for a young mother with one or more kid under 5. And a "good" sex life means one in which both parties' needs and pleasure are taken into account.

Wherever strong differences exist in a significant relationship, compromise is valuable.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Pocatello on

Well I understand not having any sort of a libido when you have a little baby. It happened to me after both my kids were born. It has something to do with the hormones while breastfeeding. But once I stop nursing my sex drive does return. With that being said even when I'm breastfeeding and don't have any desire for sex I still have sex very often with my hubby and of course once we get going I always enjoy it. I feel that an active sex life is very important in a marriage and helps a couple keep that close bond. So for us little baby or no little baby we have sex about 3 to 4 times a week. I do understand how you feel but you also have to think how much your husband is missing out and how important it is to him.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

My husband would leave me! Sex is imortant to the intimacy. Men need sex to feel loved. Women need love to feel sexy. It actually opens up our intimacy. I can be so frustrated with him and he just isn't understanding me and we have no patience for each other and then we have all of a sudden we are open to each others thoughts and fellings and back to being friends. When we aren't arguing we have sex um 2 or 3 times a day on average. Some days not at all and sometimes many more, so, that's a faair estimate. When we are arguing, or I'm pouting we can go MAX 10 days before we have to have sex. At that point I don't even care what he did anymore, all is forgiven, just come here!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

To answer your questions:

WIth my first I had a lot of tearing and stitches so it was about 4 months before I felt like doing it again. With my second I had none of those issues, it was a very easy delivery so we were back at it at 4 WEEKS.

Now we have an 8yo and an almost 3yo. We're back to our pre-child schedule of about once per day on average. Sometimes we go for two or three days because life just catches up with us, but when that happens we both start to get irritable and fidgety so we rarely let it go longer than 3 days.

I think the average is probably once or twice a week but we'd rip each other's heads off if we didn't do it more frequently than that! lol! So I think the two of you could maybe try meeting in the middle and settling on once a week. This way you're both closer to your own expectations without feeling like you had to completely capitulate to the other one. It seems like a good compromise.

I've never gone to a doctor for anything like that, but the only problem I've ever had with libido is that my ex husband never wanted to do it so I had too much libido for that marriage! lol!

You might just try doing it more often for a while and see how it makes you feel. Honestly, there's nothing that keeps me "going" like making sure we're doing it frequently. The more you have sex, the more you want sex.

Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I was with the same man for over 20 years and we had ALOT of sex and a lot of variety. Almost every day for all those years. After getting pregnant, as soon as the initial queasy stage was over, I was as interested as ever right up to the day I went into labor. After baby was born, it took about 9 weeks to be able to and then there was a gradual ramp up to not quite our usual frequency. Even as our marriage over all was deteriorating due to many issues, we still had regular sex.

I am now dating a man, and because we both have full schedules, we see each other 1-2 times per week, and the lack of sex sometimes gets to me.

I can't imagine having sex only 1-2 times per month, it's as necessary to me as food, maybe more so.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Davenport on

Recent studies show that married couples have sex an average of 100 times per year, so about twice per week. Now since that is just an average obviously some people are having sex more and some less. Personally, we have sex at least 4 times a week, often more frequently. We have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and have been married for 5.5 years. I'm in school and a SAHP, husband works. What can I say, we both love to have sex with each other. To us is is extremely important and 4-6 times per week is normal for us. What is normal for you is completely different but in all honesty if I were having sex 2 times a month I would be upset, as would my husband. My sex drive was back within 3 weeks of having my last child. I obviously have not seen a doctor about my libido but if I lost it I certainly would without hesitation and if you are concerned or just want to get your husband off your back you should go. I also want to add that we are still young (in our 20s) so age might have something to do with our active sex life.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Johnson City on

My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years. On average, we have intercourse 2-3 times weekly. If it were up to him, we would have sex everyday. He has a much higher libido than I do. I would be fine having sex only once weekly, but we compromise. Some weeks the frequency is higher, especially if I'm nearing ovulation because I feel more willing to initiate sex due to my heightened hormones. After the birth of our son, we waited 6 weeks before resuming intercourse. I had a 3rd degree vaginal tear, and my doctor wanted us to be extremely precautious for that reason. It took a few months, but my libido slowly came back as well as my enjoyment for sex.

Given that you and your husband have varied libidos, there is no definite answer for "normal" - what may be normal to one couple may not be so for another. I would talk to your husband about this issue and see if you both can compromise on the frequency. While sex may not be the most important thing to a woman, it oftentimes is to a man. Many men would rank their satisfaction with the marriage simply on sex alone. My husband would not accept having intercourse only 1-2 times a month. I feel that as his wife, my job is to take care of him, and that includes sex. Even if I don't feel in the mood, foreplay almost always works. My suggestion for you is to find the enjoyment in sex once again. Do whatever it takes, whether it is buying fancy lingerie, lighting candles, or switching things up. Your husband will thank you for it, and you will most likely feel connected once again. Best of luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Cloud on

I am so super disappointed in several of these answers. Why should you be the one to just *do* it? Why can you both meet in the middle? Sex isn't about just giving your man what he's about SHARING intimacy. He needs to do his part too.

Also, I can't believe that no one mentioned that your hormones are MOST LIKELY out of whack. Almost all cases of decreased libido stem from hormonal imbalance......instead of making sex a chore, call your doctor to ask what you can take to get your body to cooperate.

Does your husband treat you with respect, kindness and caring? Does he help out around the house? Yes, there are times when you will have sex with him even though you don't *feel* like it, but there will be times when HE has to be understanding of you and your feelings too!

Balance and compromise are the name of the game. Sex should never be used as a bargaining tool to get what you want, and he shouldn't be guilting you into having it as much as his friends do.

And I wholeheartly disagree that men are simple. I think we rob our men of their depth of feeling, intelligence and capacity to love by putting them in a box. I also don't agree that men equate sex with love. A man can know that his parents or kids love him without having sex with THEM.......

Time to talk it out with him girl! Compromise! Oh, and call your doctor. :)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I think, with everything that is on your plate, you are justified in being tired. BUT, that doesn't get you off the hook from nurturing your relationship with your husband. Does he help you around the house? Maybe tell him that it would be easier for you to "get in the mood" if he did the dishes after dinner, or put the kids to bed, or got some of tomorrow's stuff done for you. You are in a partnership, so you need to work together to get the "have to's" done so you can get to the "want to's". Reality is that most couples don't really have sex that often, and your husband's friends are probably exaggerating their numbers. When there is so much else to do, it helps to actually schedule sex in. Plan on it, make it important, because it is. Now for your specific questions, it took me about 3 months until I felt alright "down there" to explore sex again. We have sex once a week tops, more like every other week in reality. I think your expectations are closer to "normal" but that you should also consider your husband's desire for more and try to work at a compromise, and know that "normal" is relative to each individual couple so you shouldn't strive to be like everyone else, rather strike a pace that is right for both of you. As for your libido, maybe try to do something that makes you feel sexy. Buy some new lingerie, or get your hair done. Pay attention to how often you touch your husband. Just simply holding hands and kissing more often can help you feel more initmate. If you truly think you need help with your libido, I think it's appropriate to seek help from your doctor or a counselor. Sometimes after the birth of a child our hormones are pretty messed up and you could benefit from their intervention. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Ours varies from once a month to 3 times a week - averaging about once a week, I got my libido back immediately after baby, in fact never lost it.
I have 2 little ones and like you feel tired and not much like it at the end of the day, but a few minutes (LOL) for my hubby's happiness is ok by me

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Salt Lake City on

Great advice here. I agree with Martha. How long does it really take to just embrace your man and do it? Seriously, it can't be more than 10-15 minutes a night. This is how they FEEL love from us. He loves you and wants to do it with you. I feel bad for him only getting it twice a month. We are in our mid thirties with 5 kids and 2-3x/wk is usually normal as we are busy and exhausted but it's always worth it and great. You may be surprised that as you make the effort, how much he will do ANYTHING for you by way of cooking, cleaning, and kids. Men are simple, don't make this hard on him!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Toledo on

Jen C is right on the money! Think about how much time and energy you spend on rejecting him and then compare it with the time you could have spend enjoying your loving relationship with your husband. I personally can not imagine not having sex but twice a month, that is insane to me, lol. We have sex AT LEAST 5 times per week, and we have 4 kids, including a 9, 6, & 2 y/o as well as a 9 month old who still wakes 2-3 times per month. Talk about tired! Truth be told, if I go more than a couple of days without that connection with my husband, I begin to get edgy and frustrated with every day life. In you case, I suggest not only do you read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" but also see your doctor and have your hormone levels checked.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Asheville on

Lots of great, candid replies. I think it really does come down to personal preference and needs. We definitely are all different. I guess I would suggest having a very open and honest talk with your husband about it if you haven't already. Be frank with how you feel - both of you. The better your communication is around it, I think the better chance you have of coming to middle ground. Certainly share that there are LOTS of women who feel the same as you and that not everyone is having sex every night!

Also, remember the wisdom in it's not always about quantity. It's about quality. So before you are about to have sex, take a moment and try to really put yourself in a great loving space with your hubby and enjoy that time together. Might as well make it count. And who knows, maybe with a little pressure off you that it's one more thing on the laundry list, you might begin to enjoy it more.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Wow, you have gotten a lot of candid responses...I hope it helps. I will only add 2 things, because of all of your responses.

1) We have sex, if lucky, a couple of times a month. I have pelvic pain issues and so that is a big issue in our relationship. But, our relationship is just fine. Sure my hubby would like more often but we have been together for 12 years and we are doing just fine.

2) Your doctor very likely doesn't have anything to help with libido but I will tell you that birth control can be a huge factor. If you are taking oral pills for birth control, you might consider going off of them. I went off and holy cow did my libido go back up. Something to consider.

Hope this helps.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

First, I think you feel the same way many women feel at night. It's hard for women to turn off the 'mother, sister, daughter, friend' button and become 'sexy wife'. I agree with another poster that there is nothing that is 'normal' per say but it sounds like what you are offering is NOT normal according to your husband, and therein lies the problem. He wants it 12-14 times a month and you want it 1-2. That is a HUGE difference. Can you try to compromise on 6 times a month? That would equate to 1-2 times a week, which I do not think is hard to do (even if you are not in the mood).

I would also explain to your husband your feelings and your low libido. I would also tell him that at this point, you need more than just the normal wham bam thank you ma'am. Ask him for a foot or back massage (in bed) and turns the lights down or turn on a lamp. Spray the bed with some nice scented spray. Take a hot bath and shave your legs (or your you know what - even if you don't normally do this). Watch a sexy movie together. Those things may have a better chance of you getting into the mood than your husband turning to you just after you've sat down from making sure the kids are asleep, in your formula stained tshirt and frumpled sweatpants.

My husband works Mon-Thurs nights and doesn't get home until 230am at the earliest. By then our 3 year old has crawled into our bed. So we have Fri-Sun. We usually are doing the deed 1-2 times a weekend, however, I envision a time where we are together more nights during the week so we can do it more! (ie: and sleep better!)

It took me awhile to feel sexy after having my son and I still don't feel that way a lot of times because of the flab/extra belly fat, etc. But I know my husband loves me and isn't looking to scrutanize my rolls or jiggly stomach.

So for one month - try what I suggested. Even if you are NOT in the mood, try to get there. Try different places, different positions and maybe go back to the old 'high school' or 'college' make out days where you simply give him a BJ on the couch. Maybe he's just interested in more CONTACT even if it's not full on sex.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbus on

My husband is only home on weekends (Fri night, Sat, and Sun.. leaves Mon morning). So - we are at least 2 times a week sometimes 3, but mostly 2 times a week.

I am currently preggo's with baby # 3 but after the first 2 we didn't even last the 6 weeks you are supposed to wait. I think we maybe made it to week 5 and we were back at it. We have also been together for 10 years and I think with my husbands work schedule (gone for 5 days at a time) that we really appreciate eachother sooo much more when we see eachother.

I agree with another poster that date night can sometimes help get the "lovin" going again.

Good luck!

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answers from Los Angeles on

Well first of all I don't think there is a "normal" for how often you have sex. Everyone is different. That being said I am closer to your husbands frame of mind. The more I have it the more I want it, the more I have it. =)
As far as me getting my libido back it vaired. One minute I would want it, then the next I was so stressed (we had a lot going on besides having a newborn) that I didn't even think about it. So for the first year we could go a month without sex, but the next month have sex every day. Now that everything is calmed down its 3-4 times a week, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less.
Try going to you doc about it, they can help. There's lots of things that cause women's libido's to decline. Good Luck! =)

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answers from Seattle on

There really is no "normal". Each couple has their own equilibrium.

Prior to kiddo, we'd have sex a couple times a day. (Excluding the first year where we spent at least 4 or 5 hours of every day in bed). In the morning before work, coming home from work, at night once or twice. Getting back into school killed it a bit, dropped it down to once or twice a day. But still daily. I can eat just once a day and be happy. Ditto sex. I'm a hedonist, and as long as I'm *happy* I really enjoy sex. It's a highlight of life. Quickies, marathons, play, whatever. They all just sort of balanced each other out.

After kiddo, it stuck with right around once or twice a day. But that wasn't really a hardship most of the time... it was just the balance we fell into.

I didn't have sex on my period (although we'd play, oral for him/ m for me, etc), and there were other periods (cancer tx, stomach flu, etc.) where we'd go for several days to several weeks without even play. But in general, if we missed a day it wasn't a big deal, because we knew we'd be having sex either the next day or when we weren't sick.

I've been *really* unhappy with my husband for the past year, so we've been averaging MAYBE once a month. Less, really, because it's been several months at this point. His counselor just keeps beating into his head that it's a GOOD thing, and to count his lucky stars I didn't close the muffin shop a few years ago when my H first started being a dick.

For you 1-2 times a month =s that you and your husband are still great friends/ partners/ parents and love each other. For ME, it means that we're balancing the knife edge of divorce.

Is either abnormal? Not really. Just different balance points.

((And just 'cause... We're coming up on our 10th anniversary))

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Fort Wayne on

I truly believe that sex in a marriage is extremely important. With all the business in our lives with kids, work, friends, housework, we NEED to have a closeness with our husbands, some intimate time. To men, that's sex, to women, that's a whole lot of other things. BUT, you have to meet your husband's needs too. My husband also thinks a few times a week would be great. We usually end up around twice a week though. To me, this is totally fair because it's twice a week, which gives me plenty of evenings to just relax and chill, but it's also enough that my husband is satisfied. Every couple is different, but I know for sure that if we were only having sex once or twice a month it would affect BOTH of us in my marriage. I'm not necessarily into sex as much as I was when I was in my 20's, but I've found things that help me to get into the mood that I've expressed to my husband. I also have told him things that don't work. It's made a huge difference for me. WIth him, he couldn't care less, wherever, whenever, whatever mood, he's ready to go. But with me, I like to have my nights after the kids are in bed to chill out and watch tv, read a book, etc. So, in order for me to get in the mood, he now knows things to do to get me there. I think you and your husband are going to have to meet halfway. WIth me and my husband, it always used to be an issue until finally I just asked him "How many times a week would it take for you to feel satisfied?" He said 3 or 4, so I said "how about we shoot for 2?" Ever since then, we've never had it be an issue and we too have been married for 7 years with 2 kids. We had that talk a couple of years ago. Before it, it seemed like every couple of months he would complain and wonder why we didn't have more sex, but ever since the talk he doesn't have those thoughts anymore. You have to be honest too, like if I truly just want to relax and not move, I just tell him, "honey, how about we wait until tomorrow night?" and he's fine with that. It's much better to be honest than to reject your husband and have them get rejected so many times that they begin to think you're not attracted to them anymore. Remember, men are physical creatures, so you have to give and take in the sex department

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answers from Chicago on

My son is almost 9 months and I am finally thinking about sex!

Prior to kids, we had sex about 2x a month. I was happy with that. Hubby didn't pressure me for more.

I am hoping to become one of those people who want sex once a week. I figure, if I can get there, I will be happy. I do believe that the more sex you have, the more you crave it, so my plan is to start my libido. Not sure how, but I am sure it has something to do with having sex ;-)

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answers from Providence on

I hear ya...I have one son and have no desire for sex. I will say my marriage isnt the best. My son is 1 im sure my libido is quite low. As far as 3-4 times a week come on Im sure it happens but who has time with a job and kids...I dont even eat that many hot meals a

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answers from Atlanta on

Like another poster on here, I only have a "weekend husband" and we probably average about 2 times a week. I think it really does help that he's gone during the week, because I really miss him and can't wait to see him on the weekends. The rare times he is home during the week (holidays and such), the frequency doesn't increase - if anything it decreases ;-)

There is no way that "normal" is 3-4 times a week, especially with young children and working full time involved. He either knows every high libido couple in your area, or the men he talks to are exaggerating. From the women I know (in real life, forums, etc) "normal" is probably about 1.5 times a week. Also, it is true that your libido does tend to go up the more often you have sex.

After having a baby, my libido returns pretty quickly (2-3 weeks). It is lower initially because of the sleep deprivation, but once baby is sleeping a little longer, it goes back to the 2 times a week. Although hubby has voiced any complaints, I do think I'm "boring" in bed now, though. Basically I want my husband and sex, but am usually too tired to really mix it up so he takes the lead and I happily follow.

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answers from Saginaw on

I read a book about helping marriages a while back. Not because our marriage was in need of help but because I was interested in the reading. (I actually went to a speaking seminar of the person who wrote the book, but his seminar was about disciplining kids. He also had his marriage book out and it looked interesting) Anyway it was a workbook and it was about focusing on the needs of each person in the relationship in terms of making them feel loved and to keep a marriage working. He generalized that most women need to hear compliments often to feel loved while men need sex to feel loved. I have to say in my experience I totally agree with this. Of course there is the exception to this rule like always. But this book really opened my eyes to something.

I think the right number is what you can handle. (I do think your husbands number is very ambitious but I also think you could give a little more.)

I find when my husbands "happy"...he in turn makes me happy. So while I know how hard it might be to get in the mood, I think its good for the marriage and connection.

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answers from San Francisco on

Hi, You are so not alone!

To answer your questions:

It took me a good 8-9mos to be fully back to normal with our sex life-- we gradually got back into it after my 2nd was born about 8weeks.
we are very active-- 5-6 times/week sometimes more depending on how tired we are! Lol
As far as who is right, I think you both are-- its easy to get into a rut- I alot of times am just not up to it, but my hubby is good at easing me into it and then I want to.
I saw my dr initially for issues with it after baby--they gave me a hormone cream to help with lubrication and drive-- it helped I had to use it a few times for about 2weeks. Maybe something like that would help you! I would go talk to your dr and see what they say.

Good luck,


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answers from El Paso on

I had my last baby 15 months ago. My husband was in Iraq and came home when the baby was 6 wks old. I had to force my libido back...after that I had 10 more months to try and find it. Now that he is home and trying to settle into family life again it's hard for both of us to be on the same page at the same time. I think we avg about 2 to 3 times per week if lucky. There are so many things that have to align perfectly such as children going to bed, not getting into any kind of disagreement with your spouse, menstrual cycles, you already know all of this.

I think that if you and your husband can meet somewhere in the middle on the frequency then maybe both of you can be happy. I also know that if you are breastfeeding, that also supresses your libido. For me it's hard to use my breasts as bottles during the day and then switch them to sexual objects at night. Sometimes you just can't do it. We aren't like men. We can't just turn it on and off so easily. Maybe if you can get your husband to understand a little and let him know that you are still attracted to him he might feel better.

I also feel that if we plan when we are going to try and have sex, it kind of ruins the whole thing for me. If I go through a whole day thinking i've got to make sure everything goes right today so we can have sex, it makes me not in the mood at all.

Hang in there your not alone :)

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answers from Chicago on

I also think his friends are padding the #s to make themselves sound more "manly." :)

For us it depends--we use Natural Family Planning, so in my fertile times we abstain completely unless we are trying to achieve a pregnancy, but when I'm not fertile it's pretty much every 4-5 days. I actually had HIGHER libido when I was working FT. It dropped significantly for me when I became a SAHM. BUT, when I'm pregnant it's full force again and I end up wanting it much more, even though hubby is dead tired at the end of the day.

Have you started going on dates again? For me that was key to regaining libido after baby #2 came. Pretty much guarantee that we'll have a very passionate evening after we've dressed up and gone out together without the kids.

I think once a week or every other week is perfectly fine.

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answers from Houston on

I totally understand your problem. After having my third baby, things were like that between my husband and I. I think what got us back on track, for me especially, was to be silly in bed. It helped me relax and not think about whatever else was going, things I needed to get done, or more importantly - my body-image. Anyway, it's hard to be worried about things when you're tickling someone! Good luck!
Here's my "answers" to your questions:
It took about 3 months - when I started some formula feeding (breast-feeding decreases libido). We have sex about 1-2 times per week. I've thought about seeing a doctor for low libido, but am pretty sure mine was hormonal - pregnancy and breastfeeding.



answers from Chicago on

Glad you are trying, I just hope it is because you want to and not out of some sense of obligation. That being said, to answer your original questions:

--After baby honestly it took about a year or so until I really got my "libido" back and I really started to enjoy sex again. That doesn't mean we didn't do it, but if I am being truthful, when we did I wasn't totally into it and almost never initiated myself.

--Currently we are at about 1/week on average. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Basically whenever the mood strikes and our schedules actually allow us the opportunity to connect. (we have A LOT on our plates)

--I think "normal" is probably somewhere in between you and your husband. I think there are plenty of couples out there in the twice a month club who are satisfied with that. There are also those couples who I here are doing it 7 days a week, but I have to be honest that I wonder how the HELL they manage that...and with kid, lol! I have never had that kind of drive ever. Bottom line, to each their own. When it comes to sex, my motto is "quality, not quantity" We could do it every day, but if it is just some robotic act that has no intimacy and I get nothing out of (or vice versa) then what is the point?

--I have discussed having a low drive with my midwife and for awhile I did estrogen cream, as I also seemed to have an issue with dryness. Making it a point to initiate and have sex more often really does heighten the libido, and ultimately that made the biggest difference for me. Plus the more you do it, the better you get, and the more satisfying it is...practice makes perfect and all that =)

Glad you and hubby seem to be finding some common ground and both your needs are being met.


answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi C..

This is a frequently discussed subject on this site, and it's almost ALWAYS the same issue, exactly as you described it. The guys want it more than we do. In fact, if you look back through my questions, I asked something very similar not that long ago.

The long and short of it is that there is no "normal." It certainly varies from couple to couple, life circumstances not withstanding. Kids certainly factor in.

From the previous posts I've read on this site regarding this subject, I'd say (and this is my non-scientific recollection of previous responses :) that sex, when young kids are in the picture, is probably not usually happening 3-4 times a week. Yes, I know there ARE those couple out there, but I think it is much more common to be in the ballpark of once-a-week, maybe.

My fiance and I are already kind of struggling with the mismatch in our libidos. Mine is basically non-existent, and his is, well, he's a man. He'd have it nearly everyday if I would. I have addressed this with my gyne, and he didn't have any particularly good suggestions or concern about my lack of interest. Not to get into too much detail, but he asked if I am able to enjoy it once it begins, which I do, but I could really care less if I ever have it or not. He said that as long as I am able to enjoy it when it's happening, then he isn't particularly concerned. The lack of interest can come from things such as stress, relationship issues, tiredness, blah, blah, blah. I asked about hormone testing, as I'm 37, and he didn't feel that was necessary, since I can enjoy sex once I engage in it. So that route didn't really help me, although I'm not afraid to bring it up again, because I do know that a healthy sex drive and sex life is important to a marriage.

SOOOO, I guess all I'm saying is that you are definitely NOT ALONE. And MOST men who believe their friends are getting it almost every day are most generally being lied to by their friends. I do think you should try to work on narrowing the gap between your desires and his, as this is where my thinking is at the moment. I'm trying to give it more, and he's trying to expect it less. Meet in the middle, if you will. There have also been lots of posts on here about HOW to get in the mood more, etc., and it is often said that people like us, who generally feel little desire, tend to feel more desire for sex the more they have it. Women have said that if they go without for a while, then they begin to feel like they couldn't care less when they have it again. But if they begin having it more frequently, then they want it more frequently. I suppose it's worth a try. What could it hurt?

Best wishes... I know how you feel.


answers from Kokomo on

Before I had my daughter I enjoyed it a lot lol! But after I had her (over 4 years ago) I lost much of my interest in it. It also became uncomfortable even painful sometimes because of the major changes that my body went through as well as a couple other problems.
We are a younger couple, and my boyfriend is still quite attracted to me despite my body changing, so he wants it all the time. After about a year of resentment at it being miserable or unatural for me most of the time, or him feeling like he was having to wait to long we started to develope an arrangement.
Now for about half of the times we have sex I get a good massage! He of course still gets his "free" ones and sometimes I will be in a mood, but it really helps me not get irritated at his needs and he doesn't mind. He has developed quite strong hands.
Maybe you kind find a way that helps you feel like you are getting something out of it too, whatever that could be. Most men are willing to do a lot for sex!


answers from Rochester on

I just read this and am glad you are trying--just to share more TMI, we waited about 4 or 5 weeks after both of our boys were born before having sex again (intercourse I should say, we certainly did not wait that long to do other things). I do sympathize with your husband rather. I start to feel moody if we go more than a day or two without anything, but my husband and I work opposite schedules so sometimes I am in the mood when he is exhausted, and sometimes it is the other way around. We are usually pretty good about finding time at least four or five times a week though. I did have some hormone/bleeding issues for several months last year that caused some problems, but we waited it out and started using some really good lubricant and that has helped enormously. I think it is fun to do totally random and stupid things, like make him a special meal in nothing but an apron after the kids are in bed, or go to bed first but go to bed naked. I never mind being woken up for that--sometimes you stay half-asleep and it almost feels like a really really fun dream in the morning. Hope things start looking up for you!!!!



answers from Dallas on

Your normal is closer to all the people I know that were open to speaking about it.

On a Dr. Phil show, they took a poll. It wasn't surprising to see that men wanted it more often. Dr. Phil tried to help them undrestand that mom's can't work full time, do most the housework and baby training, and not be too tired to care about sex. They should dive in and help out 50/50 if they want to see if that works.

The risk I suppose is that a guy might stray because he's lacking the attention, admiration, feelings of being on top of the world from climaxing, etc. So, a flirty girl might get their attention. I think it is a vital subject to discuss. Something's gotta give somewhere. If you can afford to work part time, try that but still insist on help evenings and weekends with enough to where you're sharing the load but you're really grateful that you don't have to do it all. It will get worse when kids need tutoring, etc.

Make sure your kids are given responsibilities as soon as they're able as you are not their slave. Mom had me dusting, polishing, and windexing and setting the table at 4. I had my daughter donig her own laundry at 12 and my son emptying the dishwasher daily at 9.


answers from Nashville on

right after i had my daughter i we coulndt wait until my six weeks was up but we actually had sex 5 weeks after my daughter was born. Me and my husband have sex about every other day and now since we are trying to conceive we are doing it every day. some times on the weekends we can have sex 3 times in one day. But if your husband is wanting sex and even if you dont your his wife and you should be the one satisfying him if you end up holding out on sex because your not in the mood he might find someone else to feel that position. I couldnt imagine only having sex 2 a month. No way!


answers from Dallas on

How long did it take for you after you had a baby to get your libido back? ---Mine never went away. I was dying to be with him after (as weird as that sounds) but he made me wait the 6 weeks to make sure I wasn't hurt.
How often are you having sex with your partner? --Every night
Who's expectations do you think are closer to "normal"? My husband at 3-4 times/week or me at once every other week? ---Somewhere in the middle of both answers, from what my friends tell me they're doing.
Has anyone seen a doctor about having a low libido?
--If I had it, I would go see one.

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