SAHM Feeling Lost!

I know what you mean! I have a fantastic husband but he is not helpful in the chores department. :( That being said, he really doesn't mind at all if I go for a Mother's Night Out every so often. I don't ask him if I can go, I just tell him I am going. I have 3 little ones, 4 year old identical twin boys and a 2 1/2 year old. I am on the board of the Arlington Mothers of Multiples Club and we would love for you to come visit! I am also a member of the Arlington Mommy Meetup Group. Let me know if you'd like more info on either group!

Sounds like you need some alone time...Anyway you could get a few hours on Sunday by yourself? Also, with your husband taking the kids for a few hours by himself, they would have a better relationship too. I understand that the kids would rather be with mom, I have that with my girls too, but if it was a "set time" with Daddy, it would get to be fun for all of them and you'd get refreshed! Everything becomes a habit...wanting mommy all the time, daddy on relaxing, you not by yourself...try it out for a few weeks and see if it helps...if not, then you haven't lost anything!

Good luck!!
T.

Hi J.!
I know how you feel, but if you don;t take action, your "jealousy" of your husband is going to turn into full blown resentment, no matter how great he is. You DO need a break, period. I think a lot of the times, men who are not the primary caretakers, do not know how difficult it is to be nurturing and positive everyday, all day. Essentially, mens' lives don't change as much as ours, they still go to work, and expect to get home and kick their feet up like they always have done. Well, their lives have changed, and it is selfish of him to expect you to do the all day routine, and the nighttime routine by yourself. I too love my son, but my favorite time of the day is when he goes to sleep and i have ME time.
Perhaps the kids don;t want to sit with him because he is putting out that energy and they sense it.Is is really that much of an inconvenience to sit with your kids?? Making any kind of observations about the cleanliness of the house is totally out of line. I suggest you make plans and let him have the kids, by himself, for a couple of hours and see how he fares.I take my hat off to you, I only have one and feel overwhelmed, I can't imagine 4. YOU NEED AND DESERVE A BREAK, and if your husband is the only one to give you that break, he needs to do so.

Hi J.,
I am soon moving to Texas and though I have only one child, 2.8 years old, I am also feeling the same way. I am anticipating how this feeling will progress after moving and not knowing a soul around as well as having no family there.
My father tries to remind me that it is a very tough world out there for our husbands, and the stress we feel 24 hours a day regarding our children and their health happiness and safety, our husbands have (though probably don't show) the constant stress of knowing that they HAVE to keep their jobs and do well "out there" to support their family and give "us" everything we want and need. I know this is hard to imagine, as I said I feel the same way....My husband travels and I am a single parent for weeks at a time, so I don't even have the ability to leave the house after 7pm when she goes to sleep. I have done something, I very sweetly went to my husband and reminded him that before we got married, I was a very social person and that that's my nature, and that as much as I love him and my daughter, I DO need a few hours to myself. He has reluctantly given me Saturday's off, that is, until our daughter wakes from her nap, he's in charge. That's usually only until about 2pm, so I get only a few hours to myself, and frankly many Saturdays, I really have no where to go and no one to see! So it can be futile sometimes. I think the most important thing is that your husband acknowledges how HARD it is to be a mother, and one of 4 under 5- YOU DESERVE AN AWARD!!!! Especially if you can keep a clean house with 4!!!! Let him know in a very (non-angry) moment that you really need his acknowledgement and appreciation to keep yourself going, and that that's what you run on, his love and gratitude for the job you are doing. Don't forget to thank him for the job he's doing. Many men could say no to more children because they aren't willing to support them. He obviously has his heart in having a big loving and supported family. Sometimes men just either don't show that compassion to us enough, or forget how much work we do! I just want you to know that I can feel very depressed and underappreciated at times as well. The truth is, make your days YOUR OWN. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. KNOW INSIDE WHAT AN AMAZING FEAT IT IS TO RAISE 4 CHILDREN UNDER 5 years of age. This is a start. It will help, and look in those beautiful kids' eyes and know that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You are the reason they are so beautiful. Pat yourself on the back. And talk to your husband.

Best of luck to you, and if you ever feel blue, just email me back and we'll chat!! :)

Take care,

S.

Sounds like the 2 older ones are school aged children. Are they in school? I know the 4 year old may be at home due to the young age and pre-k still costs for 4 year olds. If money is not an issue, put the twins in daycare while the other 2 are in school and this will give you some time for yourself. If money is a factor, as it is in my house, find a MDO program for the younger 3 children and let them go at least 2 times a week just so you can breathe a little. I am now a SAHM and I must say--I DON'T LIKE IT AT ALL!! I need time away from my children and I'm not afraid to admit it or to say that I'd rather work than stay home. So my hat is off to you for doing it with 4 little ones. Talk to your husband about daycare/MDO programs and see what he thinks.

I only have one 3 year old and some days that's more than I can handle so I'm impressed you're doing it with 4! I don't know where you live but I would look at least into joining the YMCA. A family membership is $55 a month and you can have the kids in child care for 2 hours a day!! Obviously you can't leave the Y to go do something fun but you can workout some (which will help with the bottled up frustrations and help you feel better mentally and physically) and then sit down and read a book for a while. As far as your husbands comments I know how you feel, I use to get upset and take those comments very personally but now if I do even hear them they go in one ear and out the other. You may think he's attacking your cleaning or parenting skills but he's really probably just making a comment in general. And you know what? If you get to it that day then great and if not no one cares! Also what helps me at night (my daughter doesn't go to sleep until 10 every night and has given up naps much to my chagrin so I need something!) is after her bath I tell my husband he's on duty and I take a LONG hot bubble bath. Even 30 minutes to myself is enough to re-energize. Hope this helps a little. Good Luck.

Bring them here.
I don't have my son three days/week. I'll give you one, occassionally.
OK?
I can handle them? I'm 44 and strong. lol My husband has a very high security clearance, meaning we are squeaky clean. We are Christian, non-smokers.
contact me, we'll work something out.
We live in Ft. Worth, between Saginaw & Lakeworth... are you near us?

OK So that was my first response. But honestly you have to INSIST on help. AND you have to set boundaries and do for yourself.

Women's Bible studies often have daycare provided for a small fee or sometimes free. MDO is another good option.

If you don't do it for yourself, WHO WILL?
GOOD LUCK

I'm kinda in the same boat but minus two of the kiddos! My hubby works 12 hour days M-F and has a 2 1/2 hour commute...that's 14 1/2 hours a day that he's gone. On Saturday he works an 8 hour day and has the same 2 1/2 hour commute. We moved further away from his job to get out of the city and closer to church and family (a new city for us). He works very hard all day...standing, using his hands and his brain...he's a machinist so it's not an easy job by any means. He comes home exhausted...and when both of us are exhausted it's so easy to want to blame the other for our exhaustion. We realized that I needed to get out of the house a little bit and that it wouldn't hurt for him to watch the kiddos once a month while I attend my church women's meeting (3 hours). Sometimes he even leaves work an hour early to make sure he's home so that I can get there on time. We then learned the value of connecting with each other every so often so we have also planned one night a month that we hire a sitter and get out for a few hours. We rarely agree on the same "likes" when it comes to dates so we rotate...one month we go to a game or play paintball and another we go to a chick flick and the coffee shop or to a play. YOU HAVE TO PLAN A DATE NIGHT!!! If you guys lose your connection with each other then ALL is lost. Cherish your marriage even more than you do your kids (GASP! Did I just say that??? Think about it...how happy will those kiddos really be if mom and dad aren't together any more?) When I first heard that I thought it was blasphemy...but it's the best advice we could have gotten and truly enjoy our new found "alone time" and the rekindled connection. It's amazing what a few hours a month can do. It helps to dissepate that jealousy and frustration your feeling towards the hubby. Trust me...I know it all too well! I agree that going to the grocery store is not getting out. You need something that YOU enjoy...not something you HAVE to do anyway! I do hope you can sit down with the hubby and work out a way to get some time for you and some time with him...alone. It will work wonders!! Good luck! :)

Join a gym that has daycare and you get your alone time without the kids plus make yourself feel better by exercising. This is my sanity saver!

If you are in Sanger, a bunch of moms go to the Sanger library on Wednesday for pre-school story time. We usually go to the playground on warm days. I usually have a friend come over to my house if it is cold so our kid's can play together. The kids really entertain themselves once there are other kiddios to play with. Take a chance on a mom group or if you are in Sanger, I'd love to meet you :) My kids are 3.5 and 23 months.

Girl, don't ask...tell your husband that you NEED some time on Sunday afternoon for yourself! Go grab coffee or something, you will be amazed how much it helps. And, a playgroup is helpful, even if you don't get a complete break from the kids, at least there are other moms there that can relate and adult conversation is so necessary! Plus, most playgroups have a Mom's Night Out...so once a month or so your hubby gets to stay home with the girls and you get to go out with the big girls! And, you can even do some trade-offs with the kids as far as babysitting.

Also, look into a Mom's Day Out program for the kids that aren't in school. Maybe one or two days a week they could go for a few hours to give you a break.

And, I understand feeling "attacked" about the housecleaning stuff...we've all been there, too! The last time my hubby made a comment about it (which was a while ago), I got up and brought the dust buster to him. He got the hint! LOL!

I know how you feel, its hard to meet people in a new place...I had to do that when we moved here, too. Try to find a playgroup, it will help save your sanity!!!

Good Luck with it all
=) S.

Do you attend a church? If you don't, you might want to find one to get involved. Going to Sunday morning Sunday School & church will give you some time to focus on you....also, most churches have Ladies Bible Studies or "get togethers" and most provide childcare...think about it...this would also give you great emotional/spiritual support.

I am not sure what your Financial situation is but I would get a babysitter for a few hours and get out!!!

I applaud you for your effort but everyone needs a break! We all Love our children however we are not mentally and physically capable of not making time for ourselves.

I would skimp on the grocery budget, watch utilities closer to reduce, save money get a sitter and get out! Explore and enjoy the New City you are in! Have lunch with friends, take in a movie, get the time you need because your children will enjoy you better if you are relaxed and refreshed! Good luck!

I am not sure if you would even be interested in this or not, but it would give you a chance to meet some people. Have you thought of joining a bible study? Most churches offer Women of the World bible study. At my church Christ Chapel Bible Church off of Montgomery and I-30 they offer Wee-Care for you children. It is free and they offer childcare until 1:20 p.m. This will give you time after the study to go to lunch with your small group.

One good idea -- take a class. UTA Arlington continuing education offers classes in art, music, dance, cooking, languages, gardening, etc. Prices are reasonable. Other great option is to join Arlington city recreation centers. For $150/yr you can use all 5 workout rooms. For $250/yr you can use rooms plus take unlimited aerobics classes. And, this is the best part, several of the centers have FREE childcare during certain hours. This is the best gym deal around. Plus they offer kid classes/activities.

Join the Grand Prairie MOMS club. I am not a very social person, and it has really helped me. The women are all super nice -- not at all catty or judgemental. There is a business meeting each month and 2-3 fun events each weeks. You can pick and choose what you go to. It only costs $20/yr to join. Please call me ###-###-#### if you are interested.

Looks like you have recieved alot of great advice! I recomend a Mothers of Multiples Group. If you are near the Dallas/Richardson area check out North Dallas Mother of Twins Club. Some other suggestions would be to join a play group which the twins club can help assist you in. The gym with a daycare sounds great, a nanny or hire someone for just one day a week and make that your day. Maybe a mothers day out program. Are you wanting to go back to work? Maybe you could get a part time job in a retail store for one or two days a week. What you would make would cover the cost of someone watching the kids, but would get you some time away and some adult interaction. Also if you go to a retail store you shop at you could earn a discount for working there.

I felt this same way when I was at home on maternity leave because before our twins we had such an active life and always away from the house and then when the twins came just thinking about getting out of the house was enough to make me think never mind. It took 30-1 hour to get out the door and then it was time to eat again! but the minute I could without them it was such a relief. Even to just run up to Target and walk around.

Good Luck, let us know how things work out for you!

i think all the advice is great! i just want to reinforce the idea of getting out by yourself (or hopefully with a friend!) once every week or 2. when my hubby is home (he is away training right now) we try to let each other get out with friends one night a week. that's part of the key though, if your hubby wants to get out with his friends or whatever, you can't complain about that or he will start complaining about you going out! it's important for men to get out too, even though in the mind of a SAHM (like myself), going to work and being around adults all day seems like paradise! LOL
also, i think you and your hubby should have date night at least every couple weeks! maybe you could find another couple to trade babysitting with? at the very least, set aside one night where you get the kids to bed early and the two of you ignore the dishes, turn off the phones, and just focus on each other for a few hours. even if it means staying up later than you normally would, i think one night of little sleep a week for the sake of your relationship is due sacrifice =) even cuddling up watching a movie you BOTH enjoy can be a big boost.
good luck!

I understand totally. I had two under 2 and a six year old. My hubby is a police officer and he is gone ALL THE TIME. I feel like a single parent but I still have the responsibilities of a husband. There were many days when I thought I could not do anymore. I did the house, yard (we have lots of land in the country), and even car repairs myself. I took care of house repairs myself as well. Thank God for my Daddy teaching me to be independent and never having to depend on a man. My husband is a wonderful man and excellent provider. He is the best at his job. However, I felt like we came after his job. I quit a job making twice what he did to stay home. I do not regret staying home with my babies. No one could ever take that from me. I am a degreed professional who made a concious choice to do this. However, we are all human. Just hang in there. Tell your hubby how you feel. Mine got off at 4 am. I got up and had a complete dinner fixed every morning for him. Then in a couple of hours the kids were up and it was back to the routine. It was always an adventure. Some days I was riding the lawn mower shooting rattle snakes while he was sleeping. I now work by choice. I teach school now that my kids are school age. It is not my first choice of a job but it is best for my family. When they get older I will use my other degree and go back to law enforcement which is my first love. Right now I need to be Mommy still because Daddy is still gone a lot. He got promoted to weekdays 8-5. Well, crime doesn't punch a clock so those hours are merely a suggestion. However, It would like to send a shout out as a veterans wife (US Army 10 years) whose husbands and wives are deployed. YOU ROCK! You are fighting the war just like they are through your sacrifice. Thank you for your service. J. ---Hang in there. These are some of the best years. Join a moms group. I loved mine. Join a play group. Call local churches. They usually have groups reguardless of if you are a member. Good luck an God Bless!

I do understand, I too have 4 under 5. I have two sets of twins, ages 17 mo and 4 yrs. My twist is that I do work; we have two nannies as we don't feel that one person can handle all 4 (so hat's off to you). My husband is very angry with me that I can no longer make six figures. Although we have nannies, it is my problem when one is sick or the nanny is sick; my husband travels for weeks at a time. I really have no relief except when the nannies are here and they go home at six. But when H is in town, he does help; he takes care of the girls while I take care of the boys. Your H can find ways to have fun with the girls, it just takes being interested, and it's really good for all of them. I bought a princess tent/slumber set at WalMart for just $15 (each), and they probably still have them as it was not an XMas item. Girls could have a slumber party with dad or go "camping" one evening. Girls can watch a video with dad in the room. Dad could play with them. Although your husband works hard, I can tell you that you work equally as hard, if not harder, during the day. Those 4 kids were brought here by both of you. But I do understand. My H will also arrive home after having been out of town all week; he's late and I have no nanny so I've been caring for all 4 for hours by myself and the only mess is where the children are currently playing with their toys (not toys left unused; literally the toys they are currently playing with) and Daddy exclaims he can't understand why the house is such a mess when he comes home. A Mother's Day Out program does sound like a help; and it's good for twins to socialize. I started mine at 2 years old. Maybe try having the older ones "help" you with the twins so that you are all doing something together; this will decrease the frustrations; they are upset due to lack of attn (because the twins require a lot right now). But - it does get better. At least you can get your kids to go to bed. My girls will not sleep before about 9 to 10; later if dad is out of town. The boys are up til 10 or 11; it's been 1 or 2 this week due to colds. Staying up with the boys is my problem too and they still do not sleep through the night. Also get all naps on the same schedule so you can have some quiet time. Even if the older ones do not sleep, they can be required to rest and read a book but stay still. Hang in there, the twins will get better. Also I recommend the Mothers of Multiples groups; great support system and they have group activities that might entertain the little ones. If you are near plano, try www.pamom.org. good luck.