Please Help!!! - New Milford,NJ

Please look into the Feingold diet. I friend of mine recently recommended it to me for my son who has attetion and perceptual difficulties, but thankfully, no behavior problems. It it not that difficlut to follow (we will be starting it next week) and from what I've heard, the results can be dramatic.
www.feingold.org

Good luck!

K.

There is an excellent book by Dr Kenneth
Bock called Healing the New Childhood
Epidemics. He talks about fixing the
biomedical problems that cause ADHD.

I have a 9 year old with ADHD, i fought meds for a long time, but they helped! talk to your doctor about ADHD meds and clonidine to help him sleep at night. HUGE help!!

It will be best to get some medical help it will help both of you.Continue to show him love and find another source of cooling him down besides yelling that will only make him feel like a tantrum is whats best to do in any situation when a negative attitude wont solve anything

Hey P.,
I feel for you. I do not have any grown children yet, just one on its way, but I am a child therapist who has worked with kids with ADHD for many years. My first thought is, if you can get some help from a professional that would be the best. This kind of dynamic can be so frustrating and hard for a parent and you need someone in your corner who can make you feel confident when you take certain approaches.

First of all I would strongly recommend no yelling. Generally this just amps up the situation and makes an ADHD kid get up to/or continue in a heightened state of arousal. He probably needs your help/attention to mellow himself out at bedtime (or all the time). Kids with ADHD have great difficulty modulating energy levels and emotional arousal. For kids with this kind of internal dysregulation helping them to soothe/calm themselves may take longer than you expected. Be incredibly patient and most of all, you need to be able to stay calm yourself, almost zen-like, and don't take any of it personally. Being solidly calm and non-reactive, time after time, should pay off.

Good luck. There are people out there who specialize in working with parents and kids with ADHD--better to get the knowledge and skills to help your son sooner rather than later. HOpe this helps, D.

Hi, P.. I understand completely. I am a special education teacher, and also the parent of an ADHD son (just turned 20...there is a light at the end of the tunnel!)
You are correct, yelling is counterproductive, as it will not change the behavior, and often reinforces it.

First, you need to find what IS reinforcing for your son.
These are some of the things you will need to use to help your son use more appropriate behaviors. (I give some examples below.)

Second, always allow time for transitions. Letting him know at 7 PM that 9 PM will be the bedtime is good, but he might need reminding at 8:30 that he has another half hour. (Eg...Jake, Remember bedtime is 9:00 tonight. If you get your PJs on and teeth brushed now, you can play video games until 9:00.) Then set a timer for 8:55 and let him know when the timer goes off, it is time to finish whatever game he is playing. No yelling needed...the timer is the judge, not you.) Then have a positive reinforcement for 9:00 bedtime...how about a "mom and son one-on-one?) This will make the 9:00 time special. Once he is in the bed, sit next to him, and you each have a chance to ask/question the other. Tell him he can ask you any question in the whole world, or he can use the time to tell you about something. (no matter how boring to you.) During this time with my sons, I learned about football statistics, robots, and had some intense political discussions. He also wanted to know my life story...Mom, did you ever....???) You may need to set the timer for 10 minutes, and if he still has more to talk about, make a note about the topic so you can continue it tommorrow night. --Be sure to write it down, so you both can remember what you were talking about. ADHD people often hate interruptions because of "losing their place." Writing it down will aleve this fear. --

This is an example of a positive way to give him attention for appropriate behavior. (He is in bed, and he is getting your positive attention...win-win.)

Since your son is old enough, contracts are another way to help HIM learn to control his behavior. Make a contract with him to make bedtime less stressful..and create it together:
Jake, let's work together to make bedtime less stressful on us both. Bedtime needs to be 9:00 on school nights, because you have to be up early for school. Does this seem fair and reasonable to you? (Yeah, mom, but I should be able to stay up later on weekends.) OK, so what would be a reasonable weekend bedtime? 10:00? So let's make a contract. If you go to bed without fuss at 9:00 all five nights, Sunday through Thursday, you can EARN the right to stay up until 10:00 on the weekend. Put this IN WRITING adn you BOTH sign the contract.
Make a schedule, (post on the fridge, for example, and then have him check off each night he goes to bed without hassle. Then he can write on the calendar on Friday and Sat: 10:00 bedtime. The caution, if he does not fulfill his contract, he does not earn the reward that weekend. This may cause temper tantrums on the weekend, but it may be necessary for him to learn that the contract is binding. Now you don't have to yell...the contract is making the decision, not you. Remind him that he can earn the reward next week.

Does he have a special ed teacher or psychologist? He/she may be willing to work with you for home behavior management strategies. A key is, since your son is older, he will need to be part of the planning, and often wants to know why. (Why is a 9:00 bedtime necessary?) He probably has ideas on what he would like to "Earn."

Caution: this is not an easy process, it will take time, but is worth the rewards. Remember that you can't control his behavior, he has to learn to control it himself. You are just helping facilitate the process.

My ADHD son is a joy now. He still is learning, but as an adult, he understands his disability and has tools to help him. (For instance, he has to write everything down so he doesn't forget, etc.)

There are agencies out there with support groups, such as LDA, that may offer you some support or suggestions. When my boys were young, I attended a support group for moms of ADD children so we could share ideas.

Good luck, and post again to let us know how things are going.

Have you talked to his doctor about this...if not, you should. Is he on Medication for his ADHD...if so it might need to be adjusted. Is he in therapy? If so also talk to his therpist about this...they can help teach you how to handle him better at home. If he's not in therapy, maybe it's time you both go to one...

It might also be helpful if you took sometime for yourself to do something enjoyable once or twice a week to help re-new your spirits and patience.

Always yelling at the child will and can only make the situation worse. I would try calmly reasoning with him more about what you want him to do and would walk out of the room when the tantrums starts. If you aren't there feeding into it, it might end faster. Once it ends, return to the room and calmly but firmly tell the boy to get into bed...or to do what it was you wanted him to do.
Walk out if the tamtrum starts again. If he listens, give him a hug, a kiss on the cheek and tell him you love him...
I would also cut his suger intake and and sign him up for some sport, or some physical exercise program he might enjoy and can put his energy into....check out your local "Y", his school, and other places to see what they have for boys his age...take him with you to check it out.

I'm pleased to see you've gotten some responses about changing diet and some books to read about brain repair. ADHD is almost exclusively a physical problem due to either toxicity or lack of sufficient nutrients. As our soils become more and more depleted the food is not holding enough nutrients.

Even healthy people are short of essential fatty acids. Fish oil in triple quantity (it's a food, not a drug so don't worry about overdosing this--make sure it's mercury-free), or borage oil, hemp oil, coconut oil, etc are all helpful.

Amino acid deficiency is explained clearly in The Diet Cure by Julia Ross. She also wrote The Mood Cure which I haven't read but typically following her protocol you can eliminate ADHD symptoms within 48 hours. To be cured it will take longer so you continue with the protocol until the brain is full of the proper amino acids. He may or may not need further supplementation.

No kid likes to go to bed. I'd be pretty frustrated if I were 14 and someone told me when to go to bed. If he's capable of waking up in the morning why not change his bedtime?

Learn to do EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It will help him and you: www. emofree .com. Doesn't cost anything and is easy to do.

Perhaps you need to concentrate on having some very intense time together. Do some exercise together like walking, jogging, basketball, swimming, whatever you have access to locally. Get him a rebounder if you don't feel like exercising. Cut down on TV time in the evenings if you watch TV. It will stimulate the brain too much and his body isn't going to get the exercise it needs and he'll just be more hyper at night time.

Behavior therapies are not going to achieve much except stress him out more if his brain is deprived of nutrients. If you like you can contact me personally and I can send you a few nutrient suggestions in addition to the fish oil: ____@____.com

Now is the time to find an awesome therapist for your son! A good counselor can help him learn strategies for dealing with these difficult emotions, as well as learn to control his impulses. The same counselor can meet with you too, giving you important tools to help your son.

This is super hard for a mom to do on her own! I was a teacher before I became a stay at home mom, and I learned so much from our school counselor about this stuff. A professional has so many resources that we normal folks don't have. Get help!

Good luck! :)

is he on meds? maybe he could be on something to relax him.. like lexapro. it really makes a difference.. call the dr. and see what they can do to help. good luck

I can't even pretend to understand what you're going through with your son, since I'm only vaguely familiar with ADHD, but I know that it's normal for teenager's to rebel, and he is 14! Can you give him a choice, then let him take part in the making of his own decison, like, "What time do you think is best for you to go to bed, 9:00? or 9:30?" Of course he's going to choose the later time, but he will have felt he has some control over his own life. Instead of yelling what you want from him, could you deliberately lower your voice, or better still, try whispering. He will have to be very quiet to hear what you're saying. Instead of giving him orders, try to calmly guide and channel him into right directions. You're both going to snap unless a respectful 'give and take' attitude is developed between the two of you. As the mother you must set the example first. Good luck, I wish you well.

Hi P.,
I don't know if you have heard of Dr. Daniel Amen who wrote the book: Change your Brain, Change your Life.
He highly recommends to add fish oil (which comes in capsoles) to our daily diet, especially people with ADD or ADHD, but fish oil is great for everyone.
Also great brain foods are: avocado, blueberries, broccoli, oatmeal, green tea, oranges, red pepper, salmon, spinach, walnuts. You might want to add these to your sons diet.
And I highly recommend to get the book.

I believe that 9PM is really early for a 14 yr.old to go to bed, unless he likes to read in bed.
Don't treat him like a 7 yr.old.
Hope this helps and will be a resolve for all.
C.

Ask your doctor for help. P s my 14 year old doesnt go to bed till after 10 maybe up the hour make a deal with him.

try abehavioral specialist

Hi P., My heart goes out to you. I guess your son is on medication. Have you adjusted his diet at all? Although I do not have experience with ADHD I have heard it can also be affected by diet. He is a big boy and you need to have some control without yelling. It will not get any easier as he gets older. My best, Grandma Mary

I can give you some advise. Forward you area that you live in, I have done alot of work on my son to date.

I can help if you forward more, JD

His testosterone is getting the best of him. Instead of yelling give him a consequence. "Son you need to go to bed at 9, if you dont tomorrow you will not be allowed to use the phone, tv, video game.." Then ignore him. The next day take away whatever you told him you would. DONT give in. DONT argue. That night remind him of bedtime again, if he doesnt comply warn him that you will take something else away. He will eventually give in.
But I have to ask you what time he gets up. 9 seems rather early for a 14 y/o. I know the 'experts' say teens need 8 hours of sleep, so that means he would be getting up at 5 AM. Most teens are owls that like staying up late and sleeping late. Perhaps you can talk to him and agree on a 9:30 bed time, this way he will think he has 'won the battle.' Also tell him the only time his body grows is when he is sleeping. This is a fact you can verify online. If hes short this might give him incentive to sleep more. lol but he really can get along with only 7 hours.

Hi! I was 23 yrs old when i was admitted to a psych ward for bipolar disorder (kinda the older version of ADHD) - to be perfectly honest w/u that would not be the place for ur son unless he is a threat to u physically or himself. Maybe get in touch with different services there r - i used to co-facilitate a group for bipolar & depression in sussex county. I have pretty much lost all ties w/this group, as I have 2 young children and my husband was diagnosed w/cancer so i really couldn't give it my all. But if you check around online i'm sure u may find support groups - and even if the group doesn't specify ur need u may be able to go & take what u want out of it to apply to urself - you may also want to search the DBSA or NAMI - these are both organizations that offer groups - good luck and the one thing I try my hardest to do is realize how hard it must be for him to contain himself w/all of this going on in his head - when I have my moments it feels like my head gets so loud and is spinning - is ur son on any medication, if so maybe they need to adjust it - i don't have a degree in this area but a whole lot of personal experience so if i can help u at all, please let me know. Good luck!