When to Stop Giving a Bedtime?

My daughter will be 13 next month and she still has a bedtime. Bedtime in my house 8:30 on school nights. My daughter now wakes up with an alarm on her own, gets ready for school, and is on time everyday. It works for us and I'm not going to change it. I tried letting her go to bed at 9 at the beginning of the school year and mornings were awful!

I just tell my kids to go to bed as soon as they sound cranky. Ussually between 7:30 and 9:00

But I remember growing up, I never had a set bed time. House rules were, you get up by 6:30 AM on school days, 8:00 AM on sundays and all quiet after 10:00 PM. If you were cranky, tough luck, you learned to go to bed earlier.

No computers in the bedroom. No cell phones after 8:00 (you keep the cell phones.) No ipods or ipads. If all she has is her homework and books (NO TV) and her parents, she's going to go to bed because she'll end up being too tired to do her stuff in school.

She is WAY too young to be staying up all hours. You're the mama. The only thing that keeps her up during the week nights is homework. Homework done on the computer is done in the family room in front of you so that you know she's really working on homework and not on social websites.

Stand fast on this. Her body needs the sleep.

As a high school teacher I highly recommend doing what you need to do to ensure she gets a good nights sleep. I frequently have students who are doing poorly tell me that they can't focus because they aren't sleeping. Many have no bedtime and stay up late on the computer. Make sure she stays healthy and gets a good nights sleep so she can focus on school. Maybe make a deal to only have a bedtime during the school year.

When the child moves out. I'm kind of kidding but...there comes an hour of the day where I'm done and I don't want to see or hear them anymore. For us, that's 9:30 on a week night, later on the weekends. I need my space and my quiet to get everything done that I need to do before I go to bed several hours after our kids do.

Our oldest are 16 and 15. In middle school, we were definitely enforcing a bedtime - 9 PM was the goal, 9:30 was usually when they were both actually in bed, lights out. They're both sophomores now and still put themselves to bed at 9 or soon thereafter if possible because they like to sleep. My step-daughter is sometimes up doing homework (in her room, with the door closed) or my son might have a late hockey game where he doesn't get home until after 10 (like tonight) but for the most part, they're tired and go to bed as soon as they can.

It's important to enforce good sleep habits and good sleep hygiene. That means no TVs in bedrooms, computers in rooms only for school use, no phone use after a certain hour, etc. Now in reality we let them have their phones in their rooms because they both use them as alarm clocks but if there are any phone calls or texts after 9, they surrender the phones. Same for computer/tablet use - if you're writing a paper, fine. If you're watching cat videos on youtube or are chatting with a friend, the privilege is lost. And yes we check.

My guess is that if you take away all entertainment and communication after a reasonable hour (9 PM) then there's really no reason for her to stay up. If she wants to read a book or something non-electronic, then I guess I'd say that she can stay up as long as she wants if she can get up in the morning without help and not be cranky all day. It's perfectly reasonable to tell our children to disappear to their rooms after a certain hour of the day - what you allow while she's in her room is up to you to decide based on how responsible she is. Don't be that mom whose daughter is posting pics to FaceBook at 3 AM on a Tuesday. The rest of us are wondering why you don't know you're kid is up in the middle of the night ;-)

I highly suspect from your questions, that you are the 13 yr old.
Go to bed when your parents tell you.

I think it depends upon the kid. My son, 15 1/2 (10th grade) stopped having a set bedtime a few years ago. Why? Not because he didn't need to go to bed, but because he started going to bed on his own (around the same time I'd always set bedtime). Now, he just randomly gets up from whatever he's doing around 9:30 on average (sometimes it's 10:00 sometimes its as early at 8:30) and announces he is going to bed. He makes the rounds and gives goodnight hugs (me, Dad and the dog) and off he goes. I know he doesn't go right to sleep... I can hear noises as he tosses and turns or fiddles with something or blows his nose (he has allergies), off an on... But he isn't on his phone--he puts that in the kitchen as part of his going to bed routine.

Our daughter is only 12. She doesn't have a "set" bedtime anymore, and she has a tendency to stay up later than is probably prudent sometimes. Usually because she is reading something. Or messing around on her keyboard (piano). Rarely because of TV/video, etc. Generally, she goes to bed around 10:30. I do have to tell her to go to bed sometimes (put the book away, etc)... but most of the time I can mention that it is starting to get late, or that it is nearing 10:00pm and she'll wrap up whatever and head off to bed shortly thereafter.

On the weekends, she doesn't really have a bedtime, and last night fell asleep in our bedroom floor around 11:00 where she'd been watching hockey. Son was long since gone to bed, since was up at 6:00 a.m. for wrestling on Saturday morning. He also went to bed early on Friday night, because he knew he had to be up on Saturday morning.

So, in response to the question, I would say that you stop giving it when they become mature enough and responsible enough to go to bed when they need to... whatever that means. My kids wake up at 6:05 to get ready for school since they have to catch the bus by 6:48 a.m. They need "x" hours of sleep to function well. If they were staying up too late, then I'd be giving them a bedtime still. They really need 8 hours sleep, but sometimes they need more. Sometimes, they are ok with the odd night that they only get 7 hours. They know themselves and what they can handle. But if your daughter doesn't... then you have to help her until she does.

At my son's age (when I was in 10th grad), I remember staying up until 1:00 a.m. reading, or finishing homework projects that I had neglected until the last day before it was due. (I always made As though!). Sure, I was tired the next day, but my grades didn't suffer. And I didn't stay up like that every night. I also didn't get up at 6:05 in the morning b/c we lived right across the road from the school--it was more like 7:05 a.m. when I woke up. I've always been a night owl (as I sit here at 11:19pm typing)... but I could handle it. Some kids can't. Their bodies aren't wired that way.

I didn't have a "bedtime" past the age of 13 necessarily....but I had a TV/video games/cell/computer is off at this time. As long as I was quiet and in my room they respected my space. Plus my mom believed in natural consequences...If I went to bed late my school day suffered because I was so tired. Eventually I chose my own bedtime and fell asleep within a decent hour and in enough time to still get 7-8 hours of sleep.

Did YOU have a bedtime at that age?

That is what my husband said to me when I was trying to give our almost 12 yr old a bedtime. Our daughter was responsible and got up in the morning just fine but I still felt that some days she DID need to just go to bed. SO, I compromised and told her that as long as she didn't get crabby and show me in her behavior that she needed more sleep then I would let her figure out her own bedtime.

She almost 15 now, getting straight A's in honor classes. So for us that worked. There were a handful of times where I did tell her that she was crabby and had to go to bed. My daughter has always known her sleep needs though and often is sound asleep by 8 pm since she has to be up at 5:45 am.

** after reading the responses I do have to add something - in our family we have talked often about how much sleep kids should get. Our daughter had a few friends who had terrible grades, behavior problems, or were not healthy and all of them, not one exception, were allowed to stay up past 10 or 11 pm. We talked about how that was not enough hours of sleep and how you need more sleep to function and pointed out examples. Our girls had a 7 pm bedtime until they were about 11 just because of the amount of sleep they needed to get. They see the affects of not enough sleep and the direct results of it so they follow their body needs.

I did not have a bed ____@____.com age whatsoever. According to my parents as long as I got high marks(As with an occasional B)then all was well. I did however have to look after a younger sibling and assure they were in bed by bedtime, 9 pm.

This is something you should talk with your daughter about and allow the freedom of exchange of ideas on expectations and boundaries.

That's funny... because, even when my daughter was in 4th and 5th grade, many of her classmates, did not seem to have a bedtime at that age either. MANY of them, just went to bed whenever they, felt like it. Which for some, was even, midnight. On a school night.
I work at an elementary school and I see, EVEN Kindergarteners, who tell me "I went to bed at 10:00 last night!" And they look... real awful. REAL tired, they are so tired they can't even eat lunch. They just have their head on the table.
Many kids don't even have a bedtime. No matter what age.
And it shows, the next day in school... and I can tell, which kids are just not getting enough sleep.
It is not only age, that determines bed, time.
We are parents. And we need to know, what our kids need.
Because, they cannot always navigate themselves. And many kids will just want to do what their friends are doing.
Teach your kid, to know her own... cues and what her body/brain needs. Even per sleep.

When I was a kid, even at that age, we had a bed time.

Do a little research (with her) about how many hours of sleep are needed at her age, and the effects of not getting enough. Then, come to an agreement with her. When kids are involved in setting rules, they are more likely to follow them with less grumbling.

I had a bedtime until I left for college. And then when I came home to visit during the college years, I still had a curfew.

When I was that age, I didn't have a set bedtime. The rule was no TV or computer (now we'd have to add phones, tablets, etc) after 9pm. I could read, or do whatever else I wanted until I was tired. With that freedom, I was generally in bed by a decent hour and never had trouble getting up in the am. She's a teenager, try giving her some responsibility and see what she does with it. If she stays up too late, let her know that you have the ability to reinstate a bedtime.

My kids, now 14 and 17, haven't had a specific bedtime for years but the general expectation is they go to bed at a reasonable hour which depends on their extra curricular activities and homework. They've both been in "gifted" schools since 7th grade and it is not uncommon for them to be finishing homework at 10:30 or later. I will tell my 14 y.o. to go to bed if he seems tired and we tend to be less strict on weekends. I think by middle school having a "bedtime" seems babyish but its fine to expect them to go to bed after homework and a bit (30-60 minutes?) of TV or gaming or computer time as long as grades are kept up and attitudes and mood are appropriate. Part of growing up is learning how to manage oneself and getting sleep is one aspect of that. My 17 y.o. will be at college in 1.5 years and I won't be there to tell her to go to sleep; she'll have to manage that on her own.

Ha, Our daughter stopped having a set bedtime by 5th grade. She is still a night owl.

Our rule was she had to get up in the morning without complaint and on time, and function at school, maintaining her grades. Or else we would impose a bedtime.

NEVER had a problem. She learned very quickly what she could handle with lack of sleep. Most of the time she was reading super late.

And we just went to bed when we were tired. We did not wait for her to go to bed.

Once she was going out or driving, we did ask her to tell us her expected time home. If she was changing plans or running late, she needed to phone us. This also worked fine with her. We reminded her we had to get up early in the morning so we could not have her out too late, since we needed to totally lock up the house, with her in it.

My daughters' ages 12 and 15 have bedtimes. My 12 YO goes to bed at 9 and 15 YO 9:30 on school nights. They don't have a problem with it and I think they like the structure.

We went to bed at 9:00, with lights out at 10:00 on school nights, one hour later on weekends during the school year, and one hour more for summers (unless we had a special reason for staying up/out later...) until we graduated high school.

I plan on doing the same thing for my DD when she hits that age.

We allowed SD to choose a "non-baby bedtime" but she kept missing the bus and having problems going to school in the AM. So we put it back and told her that if she wanted to earn a later bedtime, she had to be on time for an entire week. Then she got 30 minutes. She stayed at 9PM for a long time. Then she moved to 9:30 for about a year. After that we were OK with her going to bed (at least to her room) late, but she had to have her HW done and had to catch the bus on time (HS buses here often pick up starting around 6AM). When my SS was in HS and kept missing the bus, we told him when to go to bed.

So, IMO, if she has the ability to get things done and can function going to bed at her own proposed time, let her try. But let her know what happens if she can't manage it.

One of our problems is that HS starts at 7:25 and teens are naturally nocturnal. Try to find the balance that works for her. My SD struggled with a good bedtime for years...because she just wasn't tired.