Keeping "Romance" Alive, Out of the Roommate Zone

Have you read the love languages? Some people just express love differently and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you understand it and don't expect things a certain way.

When my late husband and I married, we made a pact to have date night at least once a week. That could be dinner out, dancing, stroll in the park, grocery shopping, etc. When daughter came along, date night was a priority. It was in our weekly expense plan.

We did this weekly like clockwork up until he died in 2015. I personally believe it was one of the most valuable things we did for ourselves to keep our spark alive.

I would not "insist" on counseling but you might bring it up to see if he is receptive to it. Honestly, a bit of counseling can't hurt anyone and it might just open up some new ideas of showing each other appreciation and the romance bug.

Good luck!

I really love that TF Plano/Allen mentioned love languages, because I think that's what's really going on here.

There's nothing wrong with you wanting more romance in your life. There's also nothing wrong with that not being one if his needs. Maybe he needs you to show him love in a different way.

You would like to see him take the initiative with holidays and birthdays and holding hands and kissing. Those things matter to you, and he isn't meeting your needs.

You can take the bull by the horns and plan them yourself. You might see this as less romantic, but it might be worth it to have the birthday you really want!

Maybe planning these things himself is just not his strength. Some people would feel pressured and overwhelmed by the idea. So if you think that's the case, maybe you could give him a (long) list of really specific ideas and ask him to pick one or two for your next anniversary.

When you talk to him about your needs and what you would like to have, do you also ask him what he would like? What are his needs?

It might help if you were to give him a little extra attention in the areas that matter to him. If you were to do that, I think he would likely be inspired to do the same for you.

I have a hubby like this. It's who he is. He is an introvert (big time). He also has mild depression so alone time (combined with wanting downtime - he has a very social career) - was a problem for me. It mean he had to decompress at the end of his choatic, crazy days. Add in driving children to and from and all their activities, and socializing with parents at those ... well, the thought of being romantic with me just wasn't on his radar. Thought or putting effort into anything, after dishwasher, pets, etc. NOT on radar.

Honestly, I'm very upfront and honest with my group of gal pals and sisters, and this is more common than you would think. That's why people do schedule date nights.

That's why a lot of women pick out their gifts and send 'hints' to their hubbies. I have just found that easier.

I also focus on what my husband does do - he buys me little chocolates and hides them so kids won't find them, but I do. He buys me my favorite magazine so I can have a nice relaxing tub and read it. He makes sure I have my favorite drink on hand. He makes sure I go out with my gal pals. He always makes sure I have time for me.

We do not enjoy the same TV shows. We do not enjoy the same movies. We just don't. When we were young, starting out, we had one TV and had to watch the same shows - out of necessity. We also didn't have kids and I think we were more energetic and into each other because of our hormones. You have to work at it more now.

We have a great marriage in a lot of ways, but romance, during the kid years ... does sort of wane at times. A weekend away, a date night here, an hour or two doing errands (that's our thing) ... or a walk (we do that too) sans kids ...

But if you start to resent it, it just makes it worse. It really does. I got really bummed and it did make it bad. My husband felt terrible, I think our kids picked up on it, and instead I got proactive, and planned dates. Much better. Don't excuse him - tell him exactly what you need him to do, then hold him to it. But I'm not sure they were ever as romantic as we thought they were. My husband wasn't, now that I look back. I just thought he was. I think in hindsight, he would say "Let's go eat at such and such a restaurant" but he likely just wanted to go out and eat there too. We had money back then (no kids) :)

Relationships are work.
It's hard to keep up with the courting.
You had a good talk with him that kept him trying for 2 months.
Have that conversation again and then immediately remind him the first time he slacks off instead of waiting for him to fall completely back into his old habits.

It's perfectly fine for love/romance to evolve into something that's comfortable.
It's not like you are newly weds or first dating but you want to feel appreciated and to show him how much you appreciate him.
You don't want to get where you are nagging him about it - it kind of defeats the purpose - but he needs reminders too.

How does he KNOW a counselor won't tell you/him anything you don't already know?
He can't say that without trying it at least once.

Ultimately you might see a counselor on your own - and really the only thing you can change is your own expectations.
You might need to decide that you are loved in spite of there being not much going on in the romance department and you can be content with that.
Your only other option is to leave - and do you think you'd be better off without him?
I'm not sure what you describe is a deal breaker.

there's a big gray area between 'we are not suited for one another' and 'we are compromising on things so our needs can be met.'

you probably need to do some soul searching to figure out where you have to draw the lines for yourself. once you've got some solid bottom lines you can present them to him, perhaps with a counselor, and see where he can meet you.

for the secks, we had to set up dates for it. i used to think spontaneity was so important, but after kids and during the work-like-galley-slaves years i realized that getting a surprise poke in the hip was NOT what i wanted. we both did better with anticipation as the spice.

my husband's pretty good with the romance and flowers, but at least yours does ask what you'd like. would it be a hill to die on if you responded with 'there's a show that i'd like to see in two weeks. i'd like tickets to that, and a thumping fancy dinner beforehand. also rosebushes are on sale through the weekend. i'd like two Peace, please.'

you don't get surprised, but you do get exactly what you want, and i'm betting he'll be prostrate with relief at not having to plan it.

but if he's genuinely disinterested in meeting your needs- well, that's something you need to know, and sooner rather than later.

stress is pretty common. is he doing anything to manage it? is it combined with depression? that should factor in too, but he has to be willing to at least consider some coping techniques.

we've been together for 37 years now. i know there are things he's not interested in about me, and i've learned to either find support from my girlfriends or religious community for those things, or to work through them myself. i've learned that he needs to vent about work stuff when he gets home to a sympathetic ear, so i've created space for a cup of tea and a good listen, and moved whatever i'm doing at that time around so i can give him that. he doesn't give me the verbal affirmation i sometimes crave, but he builds me stalls and horse jumps and a beautiful writing studio.

words are my love language, acts of service are his.

once i figured that out, it became much easier.

khairete
S.

I would insist on counseling, you should not have to settle for what you are getting right now for the rest of your life. There was a time my husband and I were close to divorce, we did counseling for about 8 month both together and individually and it was a relationship saver. It still helps us communicate better and we have learned to really listen to each other without judgment and making a real effort to see things from their perspective. We also stared being more open about our fantasies, even ones we didn't necessarily want to fulfill, and that lead us to being more adventurous both in our daily lives and in our sex lives, we have reconnected on a whole new level even after 20 years together now. Its not too late to save your marriage, but you need to figure out how to recapture that spark.

As for holidays and birthdays, we prefer to keep those low key or ignore them because we want to show our love and appreciation in small ways every day, not on some day Hallmark tells us we should, but we do encourage the boys to do a little something on mother/fathers day, but it is up to them if and what they do.

Blessed Be!

Your husband sounds like mine in ways. We’ve been together for 17 years (married 13). My husband doesn’t seem like the romantic person either. I get roses or flowers for birthdays,Mother’s Day etc. I mentioned about doing something romantic etc and apparently it flies over his head. But when he wants to go to a football game he’ll have everything planned out on who’s going etc. I try Expressing my feelings and so on. I don’t have much advice but wanted to tell you I’m in the same boat as you so you not alone. Maybe marriage counselor or marriage books y’all can do together?

We recognize birthdays and our kids are old enough to understand mothers day and fathers day. However we do not celebrate Valentine's day with anything other than a dinner out. Christmas we agree beforehand on a gift limit. So every one gets the same amount of presents to open(kids are included). for birthdays we usually eat out then again we go with a pre set limit on the gifts. This way we don't break the bank and don't have a chance to be lazy and skip it either.
We have set days for intercourse or it would never happen.
But we slack on the showing of affection and sometimes I wish there was more of that

I think you need to insist on counselling. He thinks it won't help, but it certainly can't hurt. Make the appointment and if he absolutely refuses to go when the time comes, go without him.

Ugh, I'm sorry, that really sucks. I know some couples are perfectly happy to settle into a life where they hardly have sex and live like roommates but I never would want that, and clearly you don't either.
There's nothing wrong with starting counseling on your own. It will help you deal with the smaller, more manageable things, like accepting his lack of thoughtfulness and romance around holidays. And maybe if you keep going he will see that you're serious about being a full partner in this marriage, not just another piece of furniture in the house.
Also, is he overweight and/or depressed? These could be adding to his lack of interest in intimacy.