I have been married for almost 4 years and I have not been happy for a while. We have a 1 1/2 year old son who is my pride and joy. My husband is a wonderful person, but I just feel like we've grown apart. He is a great friend, but I just don't feel much beyond a friendship for him anymore. I don't know how this happened. I am not even physically attracted to him anymore. I don't know what to do. He spends a lot of time out in our garage working on his car, which he usually waits until our son is in bed, but that just means that we have no time with each other. It's almost like we are roommates. We work together when it comes to our son, but beyond that we have seperate lives. If I didn't have a son with him, I would have left a long time ago. What can I do? Has anyone gone through this and what did you do about it?
You have been given very good advice. Having a child is difficult, and things change after having children but if he's a good man, get help. Don't forget to take time to do things together. Go to the movies, have dinner together. My husband and I try to have date night once a month. You need it.
My Husband also loves his Garage. He stays out there alot. I have found, that sometimes, if I go out there and just sit while he tinkers on his stuff. We have some great conversations. I hand him tools ect..., he talks, I listen, and I talk he listens.
Also Read the book Love Dare. It changed alot of things in my marriage. Good luck.
My husband and I went through this around year 7. We had two children ages 3 and a newborn. The baby had breathing issues so I was spending alot of time focused on her and keeping my house as clean as possible since she has allergies. I figured my husband could take care of himself whereas the baby could not. My whole world began to revolve around my children. At the same time my husband was starting a new business that had him working long hours. We both drifted apart and became "roomates" like you describe. over the next three years we went through alot of junk and even sat in front of a lawyer drawing up papers. After a break we finally realized that we still loved each other we had just let each other no longer be priorities. So we changed our way of thinking and put each other first and the kids after. It changed a marriage so much and has created a loving legacy for our children to see how a marriage should be. I only wish our own parents had done the same.
All that to say. don't give up. Just make time for each other. Don't take away working on the car from him, but maybe limit it to only a few nights a week. Have a date night once a week. If you can't afford a sitter find another couple with a child the same age and swap baby sitting with them. Also if you can get away for a weekend together without your child that would be great too. You just have to learn to love each other again. Love is a choice not a feeling. You have to get up each day and choose to love your spouse. That new love feeling you had when you first got married fades, but that does not mean you don't love each other it is just a different kind of love. Give it a try, it does not sound to me like you have a good reason to leave.
In my 5 years of marriage I have definately learned that marriage and love is a choice, not a feeling. With little ones around the house sometimes it is hard to feel the romance, and not just the friendship. I say sit down and have a talk with him, see how he feels. He may not even realize you feel this way. Start getting a babysitter (or a relative) at least once a month. Most the time when we have a babysitter we just end up running errands, but that time alone is still very essential to keeping the relationship alive.
Trust me, getting through this section of life will be well worth it. When you fall in love with him all over again it is so exciting and wonderful. After getting through our first bout like this I now feel like nothing could ever seperate us!!
A book you may want to look at is called "The love dare"
The good news is you still like him, consider him a good friend and think he's a wonderful person (helpful with your son, etc.).
First step would be trying to reconnect - either romantically or at least in a grown-up fun way. Having separate interests is great - but you need some one-on-one time to connect as well. Get a sitter (trade-off with a friend if necessary) and schedule a date night. Try to do it routinely (weekly or monthly).
If that doesn't work, consider counseling - but I would definitely try the gentle approach first. You might consider individual counseling at first and, if that doesn't help, consider couples counseling. I'm also personally a big proponent of prayer. Don't give up hope!
You don't have to settle for a "friendly" marriage but it could be a lot worse. He could work on the car instead of helping with your son. It sounds like you have the proper foundation - just need to reconnect or work through a bit of a draught.
You have a little one. Sometimes the romance and passion takes a bck burner. You say that your son is your "pride and joy". You are a good mother, but are you being a good wife, too? have you tried putting your husband first and treating him with a lot of love and respect and kindness? Sometimes it's easy to let that slide with a kid around the house.
Make time for each other and tell him how you feel. After your son is in bed, go out to the garage and tell him you've been feeling lonely in the evenings and you'd like it if you two could spend an hour or two together a few nights per week. Maybe he misses you too and feels like your son is your #1 priority right now?
I can't believe that someone here counseled you to have an affair! You can choose to grow together again or you can get a divorce. You would not be doing your son any favors by cheating on his dad.
If I were you, I would suggest marriage counseling. Marriage goes through easy and tough times, this just happens to be something that will take some work.
We choose to be happy or not. My husband gets more attractive to me every year, but we spend quality time together.
I recommend reading the book "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Normally I don't recommend relationship books, but in this case it may help.
Hi there. I see you have already gotten a lot of good advice, but I wanted to offer up my opinion since I have been in your shoes. I divorced my first husband nearly 10 years ago for all the same reasons you listed. Fortunately for us, we did not have any children together.
Here is what I can tell you from my experience. You don't need anything to hang your hat on if you want to leave your marriage. I was always waiting for some bigger reason (ie, he cheated, he was abusive, etc.) but none of those things were an issue. He was a great man. I can honestly not say a bad thing about him to this day. But he just wasn't the right guy for me, and that was enough of a reason to get out. It took me a long time to realize that and come to terms with it. Truth is there are no gold medals at the end of your life for staying married to the wrong man even though you were miserable.
That being said, you want to make sure you have done EVERYTHING in your power to try and fix the marriage. You don't ever want to look back with any regrets, especially since you have a child together. I went through counseling for nearly 2 years before I felt ready to take that step towards divorce. I spoke to my husband in total honesty throughout the process in an effort to heal the marriage. You'd be surprised when you are completely honest with people (in as gentle a way as possible) the amount of honesty they give back to you. I told him my needs and he told me his. We tried all that we could to meet those needs for each other. But in the end, we just weren't those people. We even tried a brief separation for a few weeks where I moved into my parents home. It gave us some great perspective. Anyway, what I am trying to say is don't give up until you have exhausted every possible resource for resolving things. Try counseling, either together or separately or just you on your own, read every book you can find on the subject, get in touch with yourself and your needs, and above all COMMUNICATE with your husband. Tell him the absolute truth about how you feel. All of this will help you on your journey. And in the end if you discover this truly is not the relationship you want for the rest of your life, you'll be able to leave it as a whole person and without any guilt or regrets.
Best of luck to you! And please do keep us posted.
Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel?
My husband and I go through periods like that every few months, we are basically roommates. It always helps us to have at least 1 day a week where we have quality time together. It makes the world of a difference in our relationship.
Marriage is hard work and their are lots of up and downs. The important thing is to try hard and do whatever it takes to make it work. Talk to your husband, and if he is willing maybe try counseling.
Marriage is not easy, forgive me for saying this because I don't know every detail of your marriage but your problems don't seem serious enough to just end this marriage. It sounds as if you guys just need to reconnect and spend some time together. I have been married for 9 yrs and there was a time I didn't think we would make it but I fought for my marriage and now it's very worth it. Marriage is alot of sacrifice and there are alot of up's and down's but don't just walk away with out trying everything "earn your way out of your marriage" because if not, you will regret it and always think what if?? Hope this helps I wish you luck, love, and happiness.
I haven't read the responses yet but I think counseling would be wonderful for the two of you.
Beyond that I think you need to step out on a limb and try to fix this marriage. Being friends is one of the most important things in a marriage and you said you have that. When he goes out to the garage, why don't you go with him. Help him out. It may not be fun for you but getting out there and showing him you are interested in him and his interests would be a wonderful thing. I think sometimes after babies are born our husbands feel left out. Even if we don't think we leave them out they may feel differently. Plus getting out there with him and seeing him get into something he loves just might spark a little attraction.
I've noticed with my husband that when I'm interested in his interests (his race car, photography, history...) and I get involved with him he comes out of his "shell" more and starts going out of his way to share my interests. Yet he doesn't feel like I've nagged him to spend time with me. He just feels like he is returning the love I've shown him.
Marriage is hard and we all go through tough times but I think it is always best to work through it. Not for you kids, but for you. This is someone you love, do you really want him out of your life?
It is hard when two people start being "two ships passing each other in the night", or however that saying goes. Sounds like that is what has happened with you two.
Is there anyway you could convince him to go on a marriage retreat? There are good ones out there - research them. If you are religious, there are ones that include the religious aspect. There are also those who don't include talking about God if that is more palatable to you. Or try going to a marriage counselor. The point is that you both have to work to get back on the same page in order to rekindle passion in your marriage. It won't just happen without trying.
It might be easier to just leave, R.B., but there's a cost to leaving as well as staying. Why not try the therapy approach and see if you can possibly fall in love all over again with him? If you can't, then at least you know you tried.
A couple who had been married for 70 years was asked what the secret to their marraige was. They replied with, "We never fell out of love at the same time". All marriages go through periods of "drought" where you and/or your spouse don't feel very in love (I've gone through this exact same thing with my husband). They can last for weeks, months, or even a few years. It's especially difficult when you have small children, since it takes a lot more work to feel like a couple and not just Mommy and Daddy (trust me, I know! I have a 23 month old daughter, a 3 month old son, and my husband works a ton of hours!). Hang in there. This, too shall pass! In the mean time, express your feelings to your husband (in a kind way, of course) and brainstorm ways the two of you can work on reconnecting romantically. Seek advise from a pastor or counselor. Act like you're in love by doing kind, romantic things for your husband, and you may be surprised that actual feelings of love will follow. Most importantly, remember that you made a committment to your husband "til death do you part", not "til I don't feel very in love anymore". You deserve to make this work, your husband deserves for this to work, and most importantly, your precious little guy deserves to have a Mommy and Daddy who have worked hard (and marriage is VERY hard work!) to stay together. Good luck, and I'll keep you in my prayers!
I think where you are at is completely normal especially with having a little one around. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have 3 children. We have had our ups and downs. Sometimes we are madly in love with each other and feel like kids again and sometimes we are merely roomates or even co-workers. But no matter where we are in our relationship we are both committed to staying married and that knowledge is comforting. I know that I can depend on him no matter what and I let him know the same. No it's not Cinderella and Prince Charming every day but it's a good partnership that works for us and for our kids and when we do have those moments when we reconnect and laugh together it's wonderful.
Talk to your husband about your feelings and see if maybe the two of you can commit to 30 minutes together every night after your son goes to sleep. Just sit and talk or cuddle while watching TV instead of him heading to the garage or you heading off to clean up the kitchen or do laundry or whatever you typically do at night.
I have been married almost 20yrs, and I can tell you that I have felt the same as you many times. When we start to get the boring/blah feelings we know it is time to step up our game. Go out on dates, take a weekend away, find a common hobby together. My hubby and I take at least 2 weekends away together, and have recently started taking a 5 day couples only vacation every year. It does wonders for the relationship.
I also agree with most of the posts. I usually don't respond to a post unless I am really moved...and, I was moved to respond and a couple of things crossed my mind. The first, is that you have been married a very short period of time. Usually around the 3-4 year mark in a marriage...some things change. I am not sure how old you are or the details of your circumstance, but sometimes having a baby when you haven't been married that long changes things. It can also depend on if this is planned or unplanned...etc. As women, sometimes it is hard for us to immediately know how to balance being wife and mother. It is natural to move all the attention to the baby...because it is a baby and they need the attention. You don't indicate if things were like this prior to your son being born or not, but it was something I thought I'd mention because when this happens, it is easy to get preoccupied and move to roommate status. It is really important to find that balance of being both wife and mother. Right now, it just sounds like you are going through a rough patch. Which, you will hit those from time to time in a marriage and even with your child.
Also, after having a child...the way we feel period can change. Our bodies go through so many changes...it definitely can change our perspective on many things (even what we are attracted to). It isn't unusual to still experience some of these changes years after having a child.
When you say you would have left a long time ago if it weren't for your son...I am guessing that you didn't feel this way prior to having your son or per your words, you would have left. So, you have felt this way for about a year and a half or possibly 2 years? Take time to look at the things that have changed, talk to your husband, and work at things. Like others have mentioned...marriage is hard work. You will go through some tough times. But, hopefully, when you married him you thought "this is someone I wouldn't mind going through tough times with." It sounds that way since you are able to preserve friendship and parenting together.
You haven't written a lot about anything you may have done to try to help this situation...only that you want to leave, which sounds like your quick fix. Don't be so quick to give up...you never know how things just might turn around with a little patience, honesty, and hard work.
Marriage is hard work.........you get what you give ! My Goodness you have an 18 month old to focus on who wouldn't be stressed. You need to rekindle your fire or at least find common ground again. My husband and I have been together 10 years and have two wonderful children together, but it has by no means been easy !
Next time your hubby heads out to the garage , go with him ! Hang out together turn on the radio and be silly together. We love to go for walks, and once you are a little ways from the house reach out for his hand and just reconnect by talking. (yes, we do walk in the winter when the days are mild)
I agree with most of the posters here...if you have a wonderful person and a great friend in a husband you have more than you realize. Those initial feelings of intense love and lust always grow weaker after time, especially with a young child in the mix. I highly recommend counseling, a marriage retreat or even starting with the recommended books. The movie Fireproof is also supposed to be amazing. I became a single mom when my son was 3 and it will be a TOUGH road for both you and especially your son. Even now almost 12 years later it is still difficult, even though we're both remarried. Do you really want to have to split all the holidays and his birthdays for the rest of his life? What about when he has a family of his own and he has to divide his time between you and his dad? His dad could re-marry someone who you don't care for at all and she will be helping to raise your son. These are REALLY important things to think about! Please don't give up yet!!
I believe this happens to A LOT of people due to the amounting responsibilities of having a child. No one really knows how it switches your priorities around.
In your case I would say it's worth having a marriage counselor bring the issues to the surface since you did say your husband is a nice person. Perhaps he feels things are off too but he doesn't know how to bring it up without hurting your feelings.
There needs to be a mutual desire to be with the other person and do things as husband and wife. Seems romance is gone and it feels empty. Best of luck
i'm sorry rb, i can't support you on wanting to leave this marriage. you need to reconnect with your husband, yes, but that is obvious. you don't need us to tell you that. if you were really interested in fulfulling your obligation to your family you would be working on it instead of contemplating just walking away- for absolutely no good reason. marriage isn't a magic carpet ride. it takes effort. and 4 years is nothing. you haven't been married long enough to have earned a free ride.
Get help! This is normal, but you need to light the fire again. You can go to a goo counsler to help you communicate with each other. You need to start getting involved with your husband. When he is out in the garage go out there and talk to him about what he is doing. Once he sees you are interested in what he is doing he just might get interested what you do. Find those things that you both like to do. It is to easy to bail out on a marriage then to really work at a marriage. Marriage and parenthood are the hardest jobs we will ever have and we just do not work on them like we do our money earning jobs. I agree with several others that you should pickup the Five love langauges from Dr Chapman it helped me.
You've gotten lots of great advice so I'll be brief...totally agree that you should pick up Five Love Languages and after that I'd absolutey pick up Sacred Marriage. Fireproof is a good idea too...I found the beginning of the movie a little rough...it's not a huge Hollywood production...BUT stick with it, it's a great movie. I can tell from the posts you'll have several people praying for you. Don't give up! We've ALL been there. You can't expect to share a lifetime with another person and have it all be good. Like any other lifelong relationship, it will go through ups and downs...and actually, you wouldn't fully appreciate the highs if that's all you experienced, right. Hang in there, you CAN do it. Talk to your husband, let him know that you're committed and then get to work, start reading! Alright, I wasn't as brief as I'd hoped by my intentions were good :-)
you are still early in your marriage hang in there don't give up, I've been there too so I know exactly how you feel. Take your eyes off self for a moment and look at your beautiful family that has just started. If you feel you are not attractive to your husband anymore do some changes, do a make over and feel good about yourself after all he chose to marry you . And remember love is not about how you feel it is a matter of choice. Marriage is a commitment and it takes a lot of work to build a strong marriage. Marriage is focused around your husband not your child. You and your husband will be the example for your child to learn from. Broken marriage will produce a harmful upbringing for your child and will affect your child as he or she becomes an adult. Love your husband unconditionaly.
When the goin gets tough.........Quit!! It doesn't even sound like anything serious has happened, why on earth would you be considering divorce?! Consider your baby and his disprupted life this would cause him! Divorce is very serious, not something you just up and do, simply because you're not happy or have grown apart. Grow together again, and CHOOSE to be happy.
I have a somewhat different perspective on this. My first marriage ended after 8 years. We tried very hard to make it work - we were and still are great friends, but we knew we were not right for each other. By trying to force ourselves to remain married all we did was become bitter and we didn't want to fight in front of our son. When we split - we did it very responsibly on amicable terms. Not being married has been wonderful for us - we are great friends and we do right by our child.
Divorce is not an "easy way out" as some have suggested - It's difficult - but it is also sometimes necessary. We should not have to sacrifice our happiness to try to pretend to be something we are not.
Now I don't know your situation - and you certainly haven't been married long so I would think there would still be things you could try - but if it doesn't work don't berate yourself or live in a loveless marriage thinking it's for the best for your child. I don't believe in teaching a child to be a martyr.
Being a good parent means living a life of truth and showing a good example - and my son has adjusted well. Today I am remarried with the RIGHT partner - we are a great team and he and my ex are even good friends. We all work together to give my son a great life and he has adjusted well. Divorce in and of itself does not destroy children - it's divorces where the parents are mean to one another or use their kids as pawns that destroy children.
You have to do what is right for you - living a lie is not a good example for your child - but neither is giving up too soon... you have to find that line.
Hi- When is the last time you spend a night or two away together, even a dinner alone. If you havn't tried really hard to reconnect then you are probable not ready to split up. Spend a bit of time really thinking about being a single, divorced Mom. It sounds very tough to me, financially, physically and emothionally. Not to be rude but you seem a little complacent like this realationship is just happening to you. From someone who has been married for 14 years and has two kids I assure you it is a lot of work to stay in love. The Mom that said you have to choose love is right. Periods of time when passion is lacking are common in every marriage, your family's future depends on what you and your husband choose to do about it.
I don't mean to be harsh but being a single mom is not a picnic either. If your husband is a good man then I say do what ever you can to get the romance back. It is very easy when you become parents to become strangers, to let your marriage go. Marriage takes work, I am sad that after such a short time you want to throw in the towel. Trust me taking your child away from their dad is never a good thing. If he were abusive, I would tell you to run not walk out of this marriage but if you loved him once you can try to fall in love again. Dating with a child is never easy and although I was very lucky finding another man who will love your child like mommy and daddy do is also hard. Sharing holidays, sharing birthdays, having to share a child is not easy on you and it will be more difficult on them. Why don't you talk to him and tell him that you are not happy and you would like to try to get back what you once had. Make a date night every week, plan to be together. Once you feel that you have given your marriage everything you can and if you feel the same way then end the marriage, but give it your all so you will have no regrets down the road. Good luck!
You have lost the intimacy factor which is crucial. However that is not unusual and especially after you have children. Consult a counselor for yourself or both of you if he is open to it. Marriage is not just for the good times. That's why you take vows. Hang in there, communicate to your husband how you feel (hopefully in a nonjudgmental way)and perhaps he will open up as well. That could be the beginning of finding your way back to each other. Go out on a date and remember why you fell in love. But know that relationships change and grow. That is part of the deal. If you rediscover intimacy your marriage can be better then ever for having gone through this!
My hubby and I are going through this right now but we have a 9mo. old who gave us a very tough intro to parenting! However, we are going to counceling once a week, each of us on our own to vent and get ourselves happy with ourselves, and once a month we meet together to work on our issues. It is working for us so far and things are really geting better but we have a LONG way to go! I have days were I feel like I might as well do it on my own because I am doing so much of it w/o him (he over works because it is easier than being home) but then I think about the proposal and our wedding and I get the warm-fuzzies and remember all the reasons I married him and how we fell in love. Maybe you could look through your wedding album more often and think about the happier times? Or try counceling? I know how hard it can be but I think it is worth it to try and work hard on your marriage...something made you marry him:) Best of luck to you!
Have you talked to your husband about this? If you have no physical attraction towards him anymore he must notice the change in your intimacy towards him. Marriage is not to be taken lightly especially when children are involved. In divorces the children suffer the most. So if there is anyway you make your marriage work I would do it.
I think you really need to take some time and think about what attracted you to your husband in the first place. (Hopefully it was more than the thought of just wanting to married.) Once you figure out why you really married him and why where attacked to him, exam how can I get those feelings back.
There are many extra things you and your husband can do. For example see a counselor, Attend a couples treat on marriage, set up meeting with your Pastor or Priest to discuss options but first I would sit down and talk to your husband about your feelings.
I would like to remind you that you made certain vows to your husband. To love, honor, and cherish him. Love isn't a feeling, it's an action. It's something that you have to do every day. You promised to love your husband in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse. Just because you don't "feel" attracted to him doesn't mean you should end the marriage. You were attracted to him once before, so you need to work to become attracted to him again. Start flirting with him again. Study him and learn his likes and dislikes, like you did when you were dating. I would also suggest watching the movie Fireproof. If you haven't heard of it, it's a great movie. This married couple are having problems with their marriage and are considering divorce. But they end up working their problems out and sticking to their marriage. It was a really good movie. Don't give up on your marriage. You made vows and commitments. Stick to them. Work it out. I know you can do it. :)
Hello - I know you already have a lot off advice. Mine is similar - hang in there and get some counseling. I was feeling the same way just over a year ago and went for counseling. Now my husband and I feel like newlyweds again. Our counselor recommended His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley and The Joy of Committed Love by Gary Smalley. They were HUGE in helping us figure out how we become closer. You really need to sit down and talk and make time for each other--at least once a month. It really does help--Prayer also helped for me.
marriage is not an easy task. Not at all! i've been with my husband for 13 years. there was a periode of time where things were not good at all. we manage somehow to stick together without any counseling. some couple survive those hard times with counseling, some don't. beleive me every couple have been through the same problems you having right now. you guys may not be attracted to each but are still in love. Don't give up the fight. Remember all the good stuff about your husband and the reasons why you married him. I'm pretty sure you don't want to start over with a another man (that is if you find a good one). i'm sure you and your husband will find a way out. with or without conseling. Good Luck!
I feel the same I wanted to leave him & still do.I have been with him for 10 yrs. we have 3 kids together the oldest is 6 or baby will be a yr old in March.He is a hard worker while I get to stay home he does alot for his family as always puts us first but we argue non stop when he was unemployed home all day I wanted a separate place to eat sleep bathe take care of the kids I couldn't stand him being home all the time.I can't take it when he cusses & he does this all the time that has really detached me from him.
Hi R B,
You should definitely seek out some kind of help from a family member, friend or church support. I understand and only time can tell where your relationship is going. You have to do what is best for you because what you are experiencing can be hard and not understoon by others. Whatever you choose to do it will work out for the best.
I have been married for 22 years. I just recently have experienced what you are going through except that I didn't even feel I was friends with my husband. I thought it was probably over but felt real grief about ending the family as we know it. I started counseling and that has helped me 100 percent. I got free counseling through my church. It has taken some time but my husband and I are "friends" once again and I am very attracted to him again. We also talk about issues right away now instead of letting them simmer. I am not sure if that is how you guys deal with things but that is one of the things that drove us apart. Anyway, I think if there is a question in your mind you should pursue trying to work on things. I know you are in a tough and unhappy place. You really can get through this...you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there! It got way better for me and I know it can for you as well no matter what you decide.
If your husband is a good man all around there is no reason you should leave him and put your son through that. Like another reader wrote: go sit outside with him and chat. Think of the positive things about your husband believe me the grass is not greener on the other side. Make a date night, rekindle the romance etc. ALL marriages require work, ALL relationships for that matter. Sure everything is exciting and fun at first but even if you find someone else you will be in the same boat a couple of years from now feeling bored and unattracted to that person. Make this a fun project. Buy something sexy or role play one night, get a little tipsy with him, you know where this will lead and by all means do not keep telling yourself you are not attracted to him. Love and Sex all starts in the mind. Tell yourself what a wonderful man you have and think positive thoughts all day so that at night you can go back to the way things were.
another second for getting the book, "the 5 love languages". And, also Stephen Covey's book, "7 habits of highly effective marriage". try www.half.com (usually find them cheap there)...they are great resources.
My husband and I are going through this... My suggestion is to you guys is go out for just youand him time, My husband was deployed for over a year and when he came home we became 2 diffrent people but you have to work to get it back together going on dates, or just walking aorund your mall holding hands...
DOn't give up! You fell inlove with him for a reason! Staying in love is the hardest part, but it's so worth it. Get the romance by going on dates, and spending time with one and other. Make the effprt to go seek him, even when you don't "Feel" like it. You two got married for a reasona nd that is to stay together! There are way too many divorces today and that's because couples take the "easy" way out. They ues this divorce code like an abortion clinic. It's easier not to "deal" wiht the issues but the reality is Youcan't go and get another mate liek you could another car, or material item. THis is a living Human being and we are to treat each other with LOVe anmd Respevt. Husbands Need to be RESPECTED by their wives, and wives need to be LOVED by their husbands.
If you need some adivceon how to reconnect your marriage go get "THE LOVE DARE" rent Fireproof"the movie. awesome for marriied couples who are on the verge to divorce or leaving. You two can be a unioted marrige again, always remeber this :Relationships are a lot like plants they NEED 3 supplies to keep alive, and they don't do it on thier own, they need help by others. So if water the pant, and soil the plant and give the palnt sunshine it will survive, but when you stop , and we always start with one thing and excuse ourselves by saying "oh I forgot" the more we "forget' the more plant needs us but can't say anything it's too weak, and eventually dies.
Keep watering your marriage, keep the good soil in there, and give your marriage sunlight not darkness. You willnever grow in your marriage if you Give up! it maay be hard now but the more you invest in your marriage the more you will get back!!!
Forgive me if I'm repeating this but I think that it is very important for you and your husband to read "The 5 Love Languages." It sounds to me that your 'Love Tank' is empty. Your husband isn't giving you what you need. Don't give up on your marriage. As a society, we've learned to give up way to easy. Once you and your husband learn how to speak each other's language you can reconnect and grow together. Good luck and best wishes.
There are many days I feel the same way as you. My marriage has not been the same since I have birth to our 2nd child, two years ago. My son was a colicky child, and is still quite a handful, so this adds to the overall stress of our marriage. On top of it, my husband lost his job and is now doing something he really is not interested in. We used to spend so much time just talking, cuddling, etc...and those days seem to be over. There are many days my husband and I barely talk, alone cuddle, and instead sit in separate rooms watching our own tv programs. He mentioned that we have nothing in common anymore, but I know that is untrue. We have 2 beautiful children, and they HAVE to be our #1 focus. I cannot see my children growing up in a broken home, because I see my friends who were raised that way and they have so many issues. I know this is just a phase in our marriage --- the 7 year itch. We have tried to incorporate date nights once a month, and I try the hardest to snuggle, start a meaningful conversation, and get in the "moment" to keep him satisfied. I hope my feelings come back to what they were, but I am stretched to love two other people in my family that do require most of my attention. I keep telling myself it will get better, and we both need to make the my effort. I love my husband, but I want to feel the love like it was before... but that may never happen. Kids do change a relationship, but in my opinion for the better. It is just different though.
The Bible says that where are treasure is there also our heart will be also. What that says to me is that whatever you pour your best attention into that is going to become the object of your affection. If you don't feel love for your husband then I would suggest that somewhere along the line you started pouring your attentions in other places. I'm sure he did this as well. We all would love to walk around "feeling" in love with our husbands. However, love is a verb in most cases not a noun. It is an action and a choice. I would suggest you start taking baby steps toward loving your husband...like studying him. You've already told us that he is a good man and he sounds like an honorable man. Find those things that are of good repute and think about those things. Take your thoughts (those dialogues you have with yourself about your husband) and don't allow any bad dwellings about this man that God has given you. Decide what is important to you and then cultivate those things to the hilt. What gets your attention will become your treasure. I felt this way about my husband until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, started loving on my husband and decided that I was going to make him the luckiest man on earth. I don't want to oversimplify this. It is hard. But the rewards are great.
Your feelings are normal and very common after several years of marriage. In order to have intimate feelings with your husband both of you need to find ways to connect as a couple. Please don't leave your marriage without working on regaining your connection with each other. You are going to have the same difficulty in all relationships unless you find a way to stay connected.
I suggest marriage counseling or at the least reading a book on marriage and the work it takes to keep a marriage happy. Dr. Phil McGraw has written some excellent books on relationships.
One way to begin is to have a heart to heart talk with your husband. He most likely feels in a way similar to you. Then plan some time together having fun as a couple as you did when you were dating or first married.
Maintaining any relationship but especially a marriage takes work. Without it couples drift apart. I mean work in the way that you focus on each other and what each other needs. Focus on what makes each of you happy and wanting to be involved with each other. I call it work because at first you feel awkward and not like doing it. Once you are both focused on providing happiness for the other as well as happiness for yourself it will feel less like work and more like fun.