Ever since becoming a mom, I have been developing progressively worsening fears, from me getting sick and not being here to raise my son, to him getting sick or hurt, to him being abducted, to him being a victim of violence or crime, to him becoming involved in drugs and alcohol, and on, and on, and on... and these are fears I didn't really have prior to becoming a mother. I have developed a rather fatalist approach to everything these days, fearing the worst about situations most of the time... again, not my nature prior to having my son...
You should know that I have a Masters degree in psychology, so I am relatively schooled in the technicalities of what I am dealing with. But when it is personal, it is so much harder to apply what I know intellectually. As a single mom, naturally, I feel the entire responsibility for ensuring my son's well-being, which is no small task, as any parent, single or otherwise knows. But I also realize that my fears, while not completely ridiculous in the world we live in, are certainly becoming irrational and are consuming more and more of my thoughts.
I am a spiritual person, so I believe that I am not meant to live in fear... I want so much to simply live each day relishing each moment, without having my thoughts interrupted with fears. More importantly, I do not want to over-protect my child, and not allow him to explore, and live free from the fears that I now have.
I know that anti-anxiety medication can decrease the symptoms my fears create, but I also know that as soon as I stop it, my fears will likely return. Plus, it can be habit-forming. I know counseling is another option to deal with my fears, but as a single working mom, time is hard to find. I know that to be the best for my son, I need to be the best me I can be, so being aware of my issues, I am hoping that I can work through this myself and end up in an place with far less anxiety, realizing that as a mom, I will NEVER stop worrying entirely!
Overall, my son and I enjoy a very close relationship, and in general, are really happy. We do things together, go out and about, and share many experiences, so in this way, my fears are not preventing us from enjoying life... they are really just taking an emotional toll on me personally, because I feel so scared all the time that something bad is going to happen... so I am hoping that maybe someone else who has experienced something like this can offer some advice or support... thanks for any responses. :)
My goodness... thank you all for your extremely thoughtful responses... and it is an absolute comfort to hear so many of you say that you feel my pain! I feel really good about some of your suggestions, and I think I will be ok... :)
I do want to add to this equation, a little info to add perspective to my story. My son and I live in a little house that is adjacent to my parents property... their house is basically across the yard. About a year ago, my parents were robbed at gunpoint in their home. My son and I were napping in the apartment next door. THANK GOD no one was hurt. Obviously, the situation could have been TRAGIC. Both of the perpetrators are now in prison, having pleaded guilty to their crimes. HOWEVER, maybe you can imagine how that dreadful event has rocked our sense of security. I am certain this has contributed to 'some' of the fears I now have with regard to our safety, and is responsible for some of the scenarios I play out in my mind that cause me a lot of anxiety. We have taken a number of steps to have a plan in place for various situations that could (but probably never will) occur, and that is really all we can do with regard to taking actual action to keep ourselves safe. We have an intercom system now between my parents house and our house for emergencies only, a gate across our driveway to discourage uninvited people coming to the house, I have taught my son to use my phone to call for help, we sleep in my room behind a locked door with my car keys in the room so that if we needed to escape through the window if someone came through the door, we could, etc., etc. SO, you can see why my fears with regard to these kind of things has increased, although, cognitively, I am fully aware of the unlikelihood of anything like this happening again.
But I also fear that I will die and leave him, or that he will get sick,etc., etc., and those are the other things I need to work on. As my fears have seemed to be increasing instead of decreasing, I am becoming more aware of the need to work on getting them under control. To that end, I have begun to try some of the things many of you suggested, like praying everytime I begin to be plagued with my irrational scenario fears, but I like some of the specific suggestions you all made with regard to things you do to keep your fears at bay. I will be reading these responses a number of times, probably taking notes, so that I can really internalize them.
On the positive, I am conscious throughout each day of how blessed we are and how good our lives really are. One of you mentioned that you feel like your life is so good that something bad must be around the corner... and that is how I feel too... but I truly do relish my time with my son, and I do enjoy the good in the world and recognize it on a daily basis. I guess I need to just do that more, and obsess a little less. I am going to work on it... :)
Thank you all so much. I may even email some of you because you sound so much like me, that I would love to chat a little more... :)
Try quitting caffeine if you drink any. That made a huge difference in my anxiety and panic attacks. Also try excercising, if you are not already. Yoga was a huge help because it also taught me how to breath and quiet my thoughts, but got me in shape as well. I took my yoga classes at a gym that also had a daycare facility for my son. Since I had my daughter, I've been using the wii fit.
It's prob a touch of hormones, and the normal response to motherhood. You now have a life depending on you. Some days will be bad, some will be fine, all depends. I go thru the same things.
L.,
Since you are a spiritual person, let me address this spiritually. This could be an attack from Satan, as in, these thoughts are not originating with you. Satan will attack us where we are most vulnerable, and your intense love for your son is your vulnerable place.
Just like Jesus in the wilderness, Satan attacked Jesus with words. Satan even used scripture (ie truth) to his advantage, but Jesus answered him.
The world today is a scary place, but God has promised us that He would never give us a situation that we could not handle. He is on our side, and when we have God and His Heavenly Host on our side, who can be against us?
Here is what I have done. I have used visualization when I am feeling overwhelmed. I picture myself holding my child in my arms and then I picture Jesus standing before me, and I visualize myself placing my child in Jesus' arms. And I say, "Lord, I fear that I can't always give this child what he needs, but I know that you know everything he needs, and I trust you to take care of him." Whenever I feel fearful, whatever the situation is, I immediately take myself to that place where I am laying the person or situation in His arms, and let him take it from me.
Secondly, I am a big proponent of "names". I believe that we are called by certain names, such as "daughter", "mother", "beloved", "chosen". However, Satan can also call us names. He can call us "weak", "unworthy", "frightened one" or "victim". And one weapon I have used is to let Satan know, in the name of Jesus My Lord, that he is not allowed to call me any name besides "Child of The Most High God". That Satan has no authority in my life because I am God's beloved.
One time I was in the city of Wilmington at night, walking on a sidewalk. Two men in a car stopped their car in the middle of the block right beside me on the street. I could tell that they meant to do something to me. And I said loudly in my head, "Satan, you many NOT call me victim. I am the child of the Most High God, and you may not call me by any other name!" And the two men sped away in their car.
I have done this many times. There was another time when a man was following me in a store. It was very obvious that he was following me, and he spoke to me several times, and each time he was getting a little more inappropriate and the look in his eyes was very different than the expression on his face. I could see that he didn't mean me well. So, I said in my head, "I am the child of the Most High God, and Satan and His demons are NOT allowed to speak to me!" And, you know what? The man got right behind me in line at the store and stood very close to me (uncomfortably close), glowering in my direction, and HE NEVER UTTERED A WORD!
I walked out of the store knowing that the man could not hurt me for his power had been cut off. And he was SO MAD at me, but he couldn't do anything! I could tell you incidents such as this forever! One thing is for sure, Satan HATES to have his bluff called!
But what I'm trying to say is, we don't war against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities and heavenly forces of evil! We are in a spritual battleground, and we have to take it there to fight! But we have the MOST HIGH GOD on our side, and we are HIS! And your son is HIS!
So, when the demons start talking to you about all the evil in this world, tell them that they are NOT allowed to talk to God's chosen! How dare they even try! They are not allowed to call you or your son "victim", nor "addicted" nor "sickness" nor "death", they are only allowed to call you and your son by the true names of the PRINCE and PRINCESS that you are. You are the CHOSEN ONES OF GOD, BELOVED CHILDREN.
Does this mean that nothing bad can ever happen to you? No, but if something should happen, you'll be able to handle it. God will be there for you, and He will see you through. But these fears are stealing away the joy your should be feeling now, so try stopping them at their source.
And when you first start doing this, be warned. Satan will not be happy about it, and it might get a little worse before it gets better, but just keep telling Satan that he isn't allowed to talk to you. Also ask for God's Mighty Protection during all of this. Here is one last example of something that happened to me when I first began doing this.
I was about to go into a WaWa store, and before I went in I prayed to God, and said, "God Most High, I am your child. Satan nor his emmisaries are allowed to even utter a word at me. Please, do not even let them speak to me." So, I go into the WaWa, and there were several men (about 5 or 8) in the store standing in various places shopping. And do you know what happened? As I walk in and pass them by, each and every one of them turn to look at me with such awful, glaring stares! Each man is facing me from wherever he is standing and glowering at me! I honestly felt like I was in a horror movie! I calmly walked through the store, got a fountain soda, and got in line. One man came up behind me and stood so close to me that his body was TOUCHING mine, and when I looked up into his face, he had an enraged look in his eyes. I turned back away from him, paid for my soda, and walked out the door to my car. NOT EVEN THE CASHIER SAID A WORD TO ME! No one uttered a sound the entire time I was there.
I silenced Satan and he was MAD! And he let me know, but he couldn't speak to me! Satan doesn't have power over God's elect, except if we give it to him. So don't. Protect yourself and your son, and you'll be filled with the power that rose Jesus from the dead, and not with fear. And you'll be able to enjoy your time with your son, and focus on him NOW, and put those fears out of your mind and heart forever.
Hi L.,
My best friend and I both had our first (and only so far) children in 2007. We would have many conversations about the new anxieties that becoming a parent awoke in us: will the 7-11 get robbed while I'm standing in line with my baby, will I get in a crash on 95, what if there's a fire in the middle of the night... I think parenthood awakens the primal fierceness of a woman to do anything and everything to keep her baby safe and I think we think "worst case scenarios" because of that. That said, if the fears are crippling, you might need to see a therapist, but I still think like that and I know my friend does, too. Maybe not as much now as we did when our kids were newborns, but we both still have those random, awful thoughts. For me, life as a mother is soooo much more amazing and rich than I ever thought it would be. I think my fears arise because of my natural tendancy to think "things are too good. Something's going to happen." It's work I have to do on myself to get out of that pattern and not worry about what might never happen! You're right, you will always worry, but do what you can to keep your boy safe and live for the moment. I'll try to do the same. ;-)
L.,
I would recommend that you go and see your primary care physician and speak to him or her about these fears you are having. Get a full physical and blood work while you are there as well. It will make you feel better about your health and future and you can also discuss possible non-addicting medications that can help you.
I have been on various medications since my daughter was 2, she is now 17, for chronic depression and anxiety. I was also a single Mom for over 10 years in between my marriages so I know how you are feeling. My Mom and Grandmother have suffered from the same anxiety issues I now have. I have never, ever felt addicted to any of the medications I have taken. They have simply taken the edge off.
I've been to counseling many times over the years for various issues and it has proven to be extremely freeing just speaking to someone that knows nothing about me. I would highly recommend it. I know a wonderful counselor in Malvern, PA but I'm not sure where you are located.
I wish you lots of luck and happiness.
I would urge you to take the time to see your doctor and possibly set up some counseling - it sounds like anxiety, and once you get it under control you will feel a lot better. Good Luck.
L.,
Some of the best advice I was ever given is this : Rarely (never!) do the things that you worry about (fear) actually happen. Think about it--more often than not, the stuff that actually happens is stuff that just comes out of left field. It cannot be stopped or predicted. So why worry?
If you are a spiritual person, trust that there is a higher power both orchestrating and planning your life and this higher power wants you to be happy and thrive!
Good luck & God Bless.
L.,
Welcome to the world of motherhood! What you are feeling is normal. I go through the same things. If I hear a sad or awful kid story on the news, I envision them happening to my son who is 5. I used to worry about him every second when he was born. I spent the first 2 months at home crying because I knew that I would have to return to work and leave him with someone.
The key is to find ways to generate positive thoughts like avoiding too much exposure to the news, praying, reading books (I read the book of Psalms in the bible) and looking at shows that generate happy thoughts, exercising, and getting fresh air. As moms, we are always going to have some concerns, but we just have to find ways to enjoy motherhood also. My prayers are with you.
OK, you'll recognize the tone of the questions but I didn't see them answered so I'll ask:
1. Is the anxiety interfering with your life? Missing work? Not going places you would normally go or participating in activities you would normally participate in? I see that you do say you and your son go and do things... so that's good.
2. Are your fears abnormal? We all are afraid our child will get sick, run into the road etc, not turn out well etc to some degree. How frequently do you worry and for how long do you worry about it? Do you have any obsessive traits (you know the ones I'm sure).
3. Are you actively working in the mental health field? Unfortunately when all you see is a certain population you forget the world is peopled with anyone else.
If having read those questions you see something perhaps talking to a counselor could be in order.
All that said, I would say that because you feel there is an issue then there probably is. Relax and breathe. We all have these feelings but a couple of things to bear in mind.
Our kids will fall down and get up. They bounce back with mom's magic kisses. And the times they cry a little longer will eventually heal too. We teach them the best we can without scaring them forever. And then we repeat that until it become rote. (Look both ways, look both ways etc) We raise them up in the way they should go. You know the methods, use them, 1-2-3 magic, ok 10 minutes until we go, do you want the green one or the blue? Structure, love, patience, rules, consequences and your child will turn out just fine.
Those are the things we can control. There are things in life we can't control and worrying about them doesn't help. Breathe deeply and think how blessed you are to have today and this very moment. What a great gift your son is.
Hi L., I think that all mothers go through a peroid of time when they are very fearfull. Some experience it when they are pregnant and suddenly realize they are responsible for more than just their own personal safety. We deal with the fear in many ways, using seat belts for the first time all the time, avoiding the mall alone at night, becomming more security conscience at home, eating healthier, excersizing etc. If you are afraid, and the fears are growing then you need to take action. Make plans, get a child ID kit, make a will, journal all the things you want him to know about you. Your fears are there for a reason and they are growing because you are trying to force them away instead of taking action. I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't already know...maybe you just need to hear it from someone else! Best wishes.
L.
You have to allow yourself to let go...and Let God take care of those worries.
I feel like our lives are similar in some ways. My daugher is 3 and I am a single Mom who has a somewhat amicable realtionship with her Dad.
Her Dad and I both have had drug and alohol issues and I smoke and worry about me getting lung cancer and her being left alone. I worry about returning back to work and how she will be affected by the change I worry she will have issues later in life and hate me for the decisions I made. But at the end of the day you cant rely on those worries to carry you through and be present and constant for your child.
I have learned to just disarm yourself of those negative feelings and stay focused on whats postive right now.
You cant change whatever plan God has for us. I feel in my heart he wants me to survive and stay on this planet because this what I am meant to do on this earth ..the only thing that matters and the only thing I have done right in my life.I pray for that everynight.
I know the feelings and worries your talking about and my hope is you find a way to release them!
S.
First off, <<HUGS!>> I know the feeling, it used to plague me, but after coming to grips with the irrationality and instinctual characterization of it, it's only ever since hit me when watching movies, like Dances With Wolves or Saving Private Ryan. You hold your little squishy one on your lap and they just doze ever-so-peacefully right through the battle of the Alamo, but you look at the screen and you think "oh God, please, not my baby, not ever," and you hold them a little tighter.
It never goes away. That's something we all have to live with I'm afraid. But through inner-self-examination, we can find the triggers for moments like this and turn fear and anxiety around. What I learned to do was use it, and thus make myself stronger and better able to care for and prepare my young for the life in this big world that awaits.
Good luck with you and yours, and may I suggest Tai-Chi? It's far better than drugs. ;)
L.,
you should talk to your primary doc, there are some anti-anxiety meds out there that are not habit forming.
that said, you might try a family therapist, just having someone to talk to - and help you control your thoughts when you start to ruminate. you are not -NOT- the only one that thinks/fears this way (i do it) and it helps to speak your thoughts out loud and get some positive feedback as to how to accomplish your goals.
good luck!
L....just want you to know that you are not alone in this. I am often amazed at how afraid I am about the same things. I wake up at night anxious about the busy street in front of our house. When my son was born I became obsessively worried about him driving! 16 years away!! Since Natasha Richardson died on the bunny slope I can't stop worrying about head injuries.
I am interested to see your responses because I also would like to find a way to relax a little about this. I want them to have experiences and a full life and I don't want to be the overprotective, neurotic mom.
L., you already know that once you become a mom everything about your way of thinking changes. I have 3 children: 21,9 and 7. After my first, I worried constantly about every aspect of her life. Eventually, I just went with the flow and everything fell into place. As a person with a Master's degree in psychology, you know when your fears cross the normal threshold. Try the usual meditation, deep breathing,etc routine. If this doesn't help, I'd try some natural things like herbs. If you still don't get results, seek professional help.
As a single mom, I would highly recommend that you have a will-living and estate and life insurance. Completing these may actually ease your fears since if something should happen to you, you know your son would be taken care of.
Lastly, try to live in the moment and enjoy every milestone of your son's life. The years go by way too quickly. Good luck to you
Wow, L.. Your post could have been written by me. I am also a single mom (daughter will be 2 on the 17th), but in my case, I am a mystery/true crime buff who feels like she knows too much about what can happen. I have even had to cut back on watching/reading the news, because it affects me so much.
As I am asthmatic, I fear that I will have a bad attack, not only fearing that something will happen to me and I will leave her an orphan, but also that should be left, without adequate care for an extended period of time, so I am creating a plan to keep in contact with family & friends regularly, and am working with 3 other single moms to develop a web service that users can "check-in" and if they don't alerts will go out to check on them.
But like you, I don't want to live in terror all the time, so there are other things I am doing.
I am also very spiritual, so I have been practicing living in gratitude. It is really taking my focus off of what could happen and keeping me grounded in the present. Every night at bedtime I make a gratitude list - "What I am most grateful for today". I try to write it in my journal, but if I am too tired, I at least try to list it in my head before I fall asleep. I make it as detailed as possible, everything from being grateful for my daughter and her beautiful smile, to hearing two of my favorite songs on the radio to the nice lady who let me our during rush hour.
The other thing that I find powerful when I am getting too deep into my fears is to remind myself that if I want to play the "What if" game, then I must play the whole game, including the positives "What if my daughter grows up to be a wonderfully confident young woman?" "What if my daughter has such great self-esteem that she doesn't succumb to peer pressure?" "What if I have a wonderful support system to help keep my daughter safe from harm?" By listing all the potential positives, it helps to tamp down on my fears.
There are single mom support groups - you might want to consider joining one. Many of us have similar fears.
I hope this helps and you can email me personally if you want to chat some more.
C.
