I Need Help - Goodlettsville, TN

Get some outside help for you stepson,you and the family on how to deal with this.I dont care if he is 15yr old with disabilities ADHD.He knows right from wrong and hitting,kicking you is wrong.I told my boys and any man I was with that if they ever hit me in angry I would be calling the police.Yes even my own sons.Tell him that.It is a crime and he could be punished for it.If he wants to do the crime then he can do to time even with his disabilities ADHD.I know it sounds mean and nasty but you have to get this controlled now before he gets out on his own..good luck..
S. B

How old is this child? Is he your own child or the stepchild with disabilities? Is this a new/changed behavior, or has it been escalating over time? How does your husband respond? Are you the only person he treats this way?

Hi T.,
My heart goes out to you. I went through this with my son as well. My sone had major anger issues, but what I came to realize is that his anger was with hi father. He could never get the acceptance and approval from him so he displaced his anger towards me. He went through a lot of counceling and the way it was described to me was that my son knew deep in his heart that I would never stop loving him, so he used that as a means to release the anger he felt towards his father. I was safe. Is this possibly happening with your child? However the hitting MUST stop. That cannot be allowed and your husband has to step in to help. You didn't mention weather or not he has been to counceling. I have since learned that ADD and ADHD have been linked to chemicals in the home. I have lots of information I can send you on this. If you e-mail me personally I can send it, but I have no way to send an attahment on this board.

Sincerely,
T. ____@____.com
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Wow, what a tough one! What does your husband do to help you? He might have issues with his parents' divorce and feel you are intruding on his family. He obviously does not respect you. Does he live with his Mom or with you most of the time? Hitting a woman is NOT acceptable and you and your husband need to make that very clear to him. If he can hit a Mother figure, he will hit anyone including his own wife and children. So nip it now! Talk to his pediatrician for anger management classes or karate or something. He needs to vent but not on you!

This child sounds angry and frustrated, and you're the easiest target. First of all, realize he probably doesn't hate YOU, personally. He probably hates himself. But he is trying to get someone to pay attention to his frustration and find an answer for him, and acting out against his father or his "real" mother if she's in the picture seems off limits to him. If he has been diagnosed, is he in treatment for his ADHD? Is he medicated? Do his disabilities keep him from being able to do what other kids his age are doing? Is he having trouble in school? Has he been rejected by his "real" mom?

This kid seems to have issues that need to be addressed by finding out what's frustrating him and finding help for that problem, whether it's just more attention from his mom or dad, help at school, whatever. He probably needs to be seeing someone who can help all of you as a family learn to meet his needs.

But he must not be allowed to act out against you physically or verbally. A councilor can help you find appropriate ways to stop that, and his father needs to be disapproving of it, too. But you have to be the one to stand up and tell him that you will not allow him to treat you that way.

Please talk to the school guidance councilor or your minister and find help for him before he gets completely out of hand. And please keep in mind that this is probably not about you at all, he's acting out anger that he can't direct at himself.

Oh, yeah, you might ask yourself if you've withheld any love from him because he represents your husband's previous relationship. Kids know if you resent them. If there is any truth in that, you need to admit it to the councilor and work through it, too.

I'm saying a prayer for your situation. I hope you find help!

I don't think a child really hates a parent. He is just mad about something else. ADHD in itself can be pretty frustrating to a kid - as they get older they can tell that they are different. I believe this because my ADHD son gets frustrated and tells me he hates me when he is anxious/upset with himself. Our therapist has instructed me to stay calm and to never let on that I am bothered. Get a shoebox and label it chores. Write down little ten minute chores to go into the box. (ex. sweep the kitchen, collect the trash from all the rooms in the house, clean the commodes, water all the house plants, etc...) Get another box and label it rewards. Write down things the child would like (ex. trip to Baskin Robbins, have a friend spend the night, choose a video to rent and watch with the family, etc...) When the child does something inappropriate, calmly (almost like you're bored)say, "you just earned yourself a chore. Please go pull a chore from the box." Just as important is to find times to praise the child. Maybe you can tell he is mad about something but he keeps his temper in check, say " I noticed how you controlled your temper when your sister made you angry. I'm proud of you. Go pull a reward."

This has really helped us. I no longer get into an arguing match with my son. When he says, "I hate you!" I don't take it personally, I just let him know it's inappropriate by saying - pull a chore. I hope this helps.

Does the dad not step in at all?

If he can't straighten him out I think that I would take myself out of the situation or at least tell my husband that I was thinking about it. Step children can damage a relationship and it sounds like yours is well on its way.
Don't put up with it.

I gotta say, I think calling the police is a copout idea...unless you genuinely feel threatened by his behavior. I know hitting is a threat, but if you call the cops it could be interpreted as saying he's so bad the police had to take him out of his own home. Kinda reinforces the delinquint in him. Juvenile can be like a captain's stripe to some crowds. What are his friends like? Similar attitudes, I'd imagine.
Where's his biological mother? If she's around there may be a good bit of healing to be done...for all of you. If she's not around, there's another bag of healing to work on. You have to remember this age is difficult with a perfect home life.
If you do go for professional help, please shop around until you feel you find someone who can truly understand and help your situation.
You don't have to be the person he can open up to but you do have to find someone respectable (both as a person to you and in your son's eyes) that he can open up to.
If his friends are behaving in similar ways then there's another area that needs work.
You have a lot of time and effort ahead of you. Stay on the path and be ready for set backs. Look into every avenue you can. The key is to keep caring what happens to him.
If you need reassurance or just to let it loose, feel free to unload on me.
I was a bit of a handful myself growing up. Good luck! Stay strong!

Hi T.,

I am a social worker w/experience in family issues...I would first talk to a school counselor or social worker..to see if the son's behavior is always aggressive...then you may need professional help...but you should not tolerate his bad..violotile behavior...he should have immediate consequences for his behavior..your husband will have to stick w/you...ADHD is no excuse for aggressive, violate behavior...you have to stand up to this child and not tolerate this abusive behavior...maybe he should go to a boys wilderness camp...or detention home...if he insists on this unaccepatable behavior..maybe he should see a doctor for other undiagnosed issues..but please get some help..things will only get worse..

V.Mitchell
Memphis

Hi, T.,
If I was you, I would put him in boot camp and they will stratging him out.
L.

Have you discussed this problem with your husband? If not, do! If you have & he hasn't chastised the kid for disrespecting you, then THAT'S where your REAL trouble lies!! 'cause, no matter what health problems the kid has, your husband should NOT let him get away with disrespecting YOU!!If he does, then you have BIGGER problems than a 15 year old SPOILED KID!!, 'cause,Personally, I don't believe all this "ADHD" MUMBO, JUMBO! I think, in most cases, it's just a child's way of getting attention!! 'Cause, if your husband lets him get away with disrespecting you, ESPECIALLY HITTING or KICKING YOU, then the kid will pick up on this, "QUICK" and will only get worse. So, if you've talked to your husband about it & he hasn't done anything, YET, talk again. If he STILL DOES NOTHING then,IF IT WAS ME, I'd LEAVE!! Or at least give the good-ole "ULTIMATUM" that "EITHER HE TEACHES HIS KID TO RESPECT ME OR ME & HIS OTHER CHILD WAS OUT'A HERE!!" IF HE is trying TO SHOW HIS SON THAT HE SHOULD RESPECT YOU, & IT STILL ISN'T GETTING THROUGH, THEN HAVE YOU SPOKEN WITH THE KID'S THERAPIST/PSYCHOLOGIST,(I ASSUME HE HAS ONE? IF NOT, HE NEEDS ONE!) ABOUT THE PROBLEM? Follow what the DOC says, giving the advice,at least a month, depending on how severe the problem is! If that doesn't work, try leaving, (temporarily) to see if that changes his attitude. If he changes, then it sounds, to me, like he's just jealous and thinks if he chases you away, he'll have ALL of his father's attention. If he doesn't change, while you're away, temporarily, then you might want to consider making it permanent, 'cause things could REALLY get serious, if you stay! He could start hurting YOUR CHILD, to get at you, then!! But, first, talk to his dad before you do anything and, AT LEAST give HIM a chance to help! If he doesn't then HE HAS NO MORE RESPECT FOR YOU THAN HIS KID DOES, so THAT just might be where the biggest problem lies!!
Good Luck,
LaineyD

This needed to stop yesterday T.!! Where is your husband in all this? If this is the ADHD son, that is no excuse for his behavior, he needs some help, medicinal and psychological. You can not accept this kind of behavior from anyone, especially a child, they will just continue to do it because they feel they can. Get some help, get your husband's help, but put a stop to this right away.