Husband Wants Out of the Marriage

Hi, B.. I'd just like to start by saying that I am praying for you and your husband. I have never been where you are so I won't pretend I know what you're going through. The best advice any of us could give you is to just pray. Give everything to God, get in the word of the Lord and revel in it. You've gotten some great Christian advice in other posts so follow that and KNOW that God has a plan for you. As someone said before, FIGHT! If you've given all you can and an end to your marriage is inevitable, then at least you can rest easy that you did all you could do. Your daughters will have so much respect for you and you're teaching them a valuable lesson in not giving up. However, if you need time to separate then your husband should be the one to leave. If he wants out that badly then tell him to go but the girls stay with you. You've made it your life's work to care for them and you shouldn't stop now. Besides, there is something going on with him and I'm not sure you'd want your kids exposed to whatever that is whether it be an affair, depression or something else. If he is that determined to get out of your marriage then make him do all the hard work. Don't succumb to his demands. It sounds like that's what he expects. No court is going to give him custody of those girls when you are their primary caregiver already. He'll just have to pay more child support with that better paying job and it sounds to me like he knows that and is trying to avoid it.

I pray you can save your marriage. Be strong for yourself and for your daughters. They're worth it and so are you.

Blessings!

ok first off, from my my DH used to tell me when he was a cop (in louisiana), as long as you are married then he CANNOT make you leave the house, i dont know how that goes from state to state but should he try to physically kick you out the house, call the cops and should come to your house and inform him of this
second, if you truly are doing everything you say (and i'm not saying you're not) to keep the marrage going then he needs to be prepaired to pay. i do believe that as wifes and especially as SAHMs that it is our job to take care of our husbands (loving them, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids and the home) and in return they take care of us (by allowing us to stay home and actually raise our kids). just because he has decided that he no longer wants you to do your part doenst mean that you're ready to give up the life that you have. get your self a lawyer and make sure that he has to pay so that you can keep up the lifestyle that you have. if you hurry up and get a lawyer that shouldnt bee too much trouble. my BILs ex wife (who i hate) was cheating on him and wanted out but b/c she had been a SAHM he has to pay her a bunch of money each month (which in that case i think is terrible) but it goes to show that you should be able to get what you need to at least get by. hope that helps
btw, i do think its good that you are trying to make your marrage work but there is a point where you have to realize that you might not be able to change his mind and so you need to be ready to do whats best for you and your girls

OK I may be a single mom but I can tell you as a child of divorce that you need to stay and make him leave if that is what he wants. If he wants out-he should pay. You will get child support and alimony because you need it for house and child expenses so he hasn't a leg to stand on there. He is just hoping you are wimpy enough to just leave. You are a wonderful, loving intelligent person. Don't let him tell you otherwise. You have to fight for this marriage and for these kids. The kids come first.

Marriage is work, a lot of work and if he isn't willing to put in the hours to make it work then he needs to leave and deal with the consequences of his actions. You are doing what God asked you to do in your marriage and if you allow Him to dictate your life He will lead you to greater things. Pray for God's blessing in your life. Pray for strength. You are being tested by fire right right now, and i think your will be reshaped and reformed but I don't thing you will be burned up. Just remember what Jesus has told you. "For in this world you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world." John 16:18 (I believe that is correct. I know the scripture just not exactly where it is.) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. This divorce is not His plan. See it says so. So fight!! Fight like it's your kids lives at stake. Because ultimately it is.

Children of divorce are torn, emotionally and spiritually and it takes a long time to heal from it. Trust me I know. I am almost 30 and I still deal with it daily. Please look at those kids faces and dig deep in your spiritual reserves and pull out all the strength God has given you and FIGHT!!! They need you to be their voice. Your husband needs to hear their point of view. You need to tell him that since it is his decision to leave then he needs to make other arrangements but the kids go with you where ever you go. You are looking out for their spiritual lives and he seems to be stuck in a selfish sin spiral that they need to avoid. Ok this was a lot longer than I expected but if you need any help or just to talk my email is ____@____.com if you email me I will give you my phone number. There are options. I will research them for you and keep up with you. I will be praying for you daily. This will be tough and you will not come through this unscathed, but girl I believe in you. Your kids believe in you. And God will be there every step of the way guiding you. Many blessings!
One last bit of advice. Take the kids out of the house for one weekend. Send them to YOUR parent's or to a trusted friend. For the whole weekend. Then you and your husband hash it out. I don't mean yelling. I mean sitting down and getting down to the nitty gritty of what went wrong. Talking about it and finding out what happened and then start making arrangements. If he is truly not wanting to live by the Bible, and love his wife as Jesus loves the church, then he needs to make other arrangements. Not you. If the weekend does nothing to soften his heart to the Lord, then let him go. Call your lawyer, many will work for free unless you win.

Wow sweetie my heart goes out to you!! I am christian and understand the aspect of a christian marriage. Now first you are married to him, but the vow is to God. So continue with that. However, it does not seem that he is in the same place as you with God. Now my suggestion is one that is going to take a lot of intestinal fortitude. You flat out tell him NO. You are not giving him a divorce and will fight it tooth and nail. Remind him that marriage is not something that is based on emotion. It is a commitment, for better or for worse. That is it. Do not move out. If he wants to end this make him do all of the work. He will have to pay for all of the proceedings, lawyers, and whatever it takes to make his wish come to reality. Do not comply with it at all and I will tell you why. Remember when Jesus was asked on the issue of divorce, he responded that it was not okay to divorce. That God has only allowed it because men's hearts have been hardened. He was speaking of when men would commit adultery and want to return to their wives over and over. Now I am not saying that is what I am insinuating. The point here is that his heart has hardened and this is his choice and path to walk. You are being rained on through his storm because you are yoked with him. But this is his test so to speak. Not yours. You be steadfast, the wife and mother that God wants you to be. These requests he's making are not of God's will. The bible says nothing of, if you fall out of love it is okay to divorce. You darling will be blessed. It is a tough situation. But you CAN do it! If he wants divorce, like I said let him do all the work. You dig your heals in and fight it. Let God be your strength right now, do not look for what you need from him. Turn all of your focus on God. Maybe a fast and prayer method would work for you. If you need an idea of what fasting really is I have studied it. I am here to help if you need. It may seem impossible right now, but you will get through this. Your marriage is worth fighting for! Don't let anyone tell you any different.

B.: I am so sorry you're going through such a rough time. It sounds like whatever event happened two years ago didn't end there. Obviously, this decision to break up will impact the girls greatly. Perhaps you could approach it like this and say: "Look, you've obviously made up your mind about ending this marriage but I need to understand exactly why you feel you have no other option but to end our marriage and disrupt the lives of our children." How can I explain to them what went wrong if even I don't know?" At least tell me that." Once you understand what the determining factor is perhaps you'll know whether it is somthing that can (or can't )be fixed -- like him falling out of love with you).

As to custody of the children, if you live in a Southern State, more than likely the Court will award you the home, child support, perhaps even alimony (for 10+ years marriage) and at least joint custody so he better be prepared to pay dearly ($$) if he really wants out.

Good luck. Hoping the best for you.
E.

B., i am so sorry to hear all of this.... for him to be serving in a ministry full-time, there is a problem if there is no accountability for him from co-workers, employers/employees. Bottom line, without knowing everything, it sounds like a problem with selfishness on his part. He HAS to take his eyes off of himself & back on to you & your girls. Their well-being is #1 & that should never include divorce. As a Christian, he should know that the ONLY reason God allows divorce is in the case of adultery. So - since there is no one else (on your end, not his!), that shouldn't even be an option. You really sound like you are doing all the right things, but quite honestly, if he is asking you to make all these changes, the problem is him - he's not happy w/ himself right now. If he cannot cherish & love you the way God intended, then HE has to do the changing & YOU cannot do that for him or nag him into it or beg him, either. All you can do is PRAY, be consistent in your actions & love towards him. I will pray that GOD grabs a hold of his heart & brings him to his knees. I've seen it done in my marriage, as well as others around me, so i know it can happen. You do have to understand that if there is 'someone else', he is not going to come out & tell you. That is something you will have to pray God will show you - ask Him for anything "hidden to be revealed". And then PRAY some more!

1. GET a Lawyer.. PERIOD!

2. Withholding Marital 'relations' is also another reason for Divorcing.

I wish you the best of Luck and DONT be a passive player in your life .. Take a stand and be strong for yourself and your children.

I suggest couples counseling. Ask him to try it for a few months and if things are the same and he wants out, he should leave, not you. There are churches who will counsel for free, and income based sliding scale as well.

I may be biased because I am majoring in psychology, but I will freely admit my husband and I went to couples counseling a couple of years ago when we were haveing major problems (on the verge of divorce)and it helped tremendously.

Wow. That is pretty heavy. I don't have much advice other than your are the girls backbone and whether your job is better than your husbands or not they should live with you. He is being too selfish and he needs to get over it. He can not provide the type of environment that little girls need. Only you can. You will be able to provide for them no matter what type of job you find because he will be providing you financial support whether he likes it or not.

I hope God sheds a light on you soon. Good Luck and keep praying for God to lead the way.
Jen

Hi SAHM I just wanting to respond to your request. If he really wants to go let him, It will be better on you and your kids because if he stays He's not going to be happy and you are not going to be happy. Pray about it and put it in Gods hands. Maybe its a blessing God may have something better in mind for you. I know you may be hurting right but believe me it will get better if you believe in the lord he will work it out for you so just kept your head to the sky and pray and don't worry this is just one of life test with faith you will come through stronger than what you were before this so again I say don't worry and stay strong. take care of you and your kids and if you want to keep your kids you fight for them women have been doing this for years, you don't have to have the best job to be a wonderful parent money don't buy everything. (it helps) but thats not all kids need they need a loving person who will do what they can but you fight for what you want God is on you side.

I'm sorry to hear about what's going on in your life. Before I comment I want you to know I was married for eleven years and I am a single mother now. Don't settle for what he is telling you. Find you a lawyer because if you have been at home for six year an been married for ten he has to take care of you and the kids and I'm willing to bet he already knowns this. Ask God to help you be a strong willed woman and see you through.

First of all you need to find some confidence in yourself. Men do not like women that just fall at their feet. If he wants to leave quit begging him to stay. Do not allow him to keep the children. Make him pay child support and alimony. If he wants to leave then leave. Don't you leave the house. It is your house too, even if it came from his family or if he pays the bills. If you leave in court it looks like you walked out. If he wants to walk out go ahead. If he wants a divorce go ahead but make him pay up. He and you both decided you could stay at home. There is no shame in that. If he doesn't want bad credit he will continue to pay for the cost of running the house. How is it his decesion to throw you out. Why should you have to leave. You are happy. If he is unhappy let him leave, find another place. Do not give in to him like that. It definately helps to pay, but don't let yourself or your pride go. Don't beg him to stay and most of all if you love you children why would they stay with him?? Why should he come out with everything when he is the one wanting to leave.

B.,

I just wanted to let you know that we will be praying for all of you and your situation. We just pray that God's will, will be done and He will give you peace. God Bless!

Don't let him make you move. If he is going to leave the marriage- he has to leave the house. See what social services are out there for lawyers or do some internet hunting and see what the real laws are and what is on your side.
Don't let him disrupt your life- you up and leaving will make it look like you are the one that left even though it is the exact opposite. Your daughters need you in the home... as well as their dad. Do not leave and give him the house and the kids.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. It's very hard when the person you love the most and want to be with doesn't respond positively back. There's something going on and do not believe he is being honest with you or himself.

He may make more money than you but there is help out there for you as a single mother, I know. I have two children ages 11 and 2 and there's assistance for food, housing, clothing and bills. Don't give in to everything he wants especially when it's concerning your children. He's obviously not emotionally or spiritually stable right now and that's more important than money for the kids. I'm proud of you for stating you will continue to go to counseling even if he doesn't go. It's the best thing for you and your children for you to continue to go. It will strengthen you and help your stability. If he doesn't want to go, don't force him, just go yourself and take care of you so you can take care of your girls.

If you need anything, please don't hestiate to ask ____@____.com the assistance until you can get back on your feet again. It's there just for that reason. You've been paying into it with each paycheck, so use it. I had a hard time with that too, swollowing my pride and asking for help especially for food, clothing and housing, etc. It's there just for situations like this and it's o.k.

Have a wonderful rest of the week and know you will make the right decisions regarding your family. You are in my prayers.

Your sister in Christ,

L.

I know how you feel, I have also been in a similar situation. By no means should You move out I he wants out that bad then He needs to leave. You have been a SAH mom and he has to support you. You have rights and I know you don't want this but you need to get a good lawyer, continue the counsiling if it helps but don't let the man walk all over you. You have rights and he doesn't hold all the cards. I believe God has plans for all of us and I don't believe He would not want you to be with someone sho obviously does not love you. I know that it is hard with your beliefs but sometimes it is better for you and I think God would understand that. I feel for you and hope all goes well. My prayers are with you.

B.,

You are a doormat and he is walking all over you girl. He has asked, you have given. Let me ask you this, what has he given you? I don't mean the girls either. Those two precious children you created together. What kind of love has he given you in all this time of trouble? He want's YOU gone?? Who does he think he is? God?? Sorry there is only one of those and he is not it. Just because he makes more money does not constitute him having custody and you coming over every morning to do your motherly duty and leave. Will he expect the wifely duties also?? Seems to me he has a lot of problems. I know you are a christian, I am catholic, so what. We all read the same bible. We all live by the same set of rules called out in the bible, but even the bible states that marriage is an EQUAL partnership that BOTH of you must work at. Sounds like this is all one sided to me and you have allowed it! Stop being the door mat. Tell him if he wants to go that he can leave. Like someone else above said, dig in your heels and fight!!! Fight like you have never fought before. You are fighting for your rights and your childrens rights because right now, with him, you have none. Call a lawyer now, don't wait. If you do and you let him do what he wants, you lose. Not only yourself but your daughters as well.
Please please please don't lose yourself. Your daughters now have to come first, after God but way way way before him. I am sorry if I am sounding harsh, let us just say that I have dealt with this situation before. Please fight for yourself and your daugthers. You don't know what will happen if you leave.

E.

http://friendlyhelp.homestead.com/

I hope the link I provided, can help you out. I'm really sorry for what you are going thur. I know it hurts. Being that you are a God fearing person, please continue to pray to Jehovah God for guidance on this matter. I do hope you find the help you need. Take care.

Hey if you want to keep holding onto him, do so, but remember the time is going to come, that if he is this ready for it be over, you are going to push him so far away, things will never be the same between with you both again. Of course, you want to make it still work, and keep it together especially for the kids, but you have to start facing reality. If he isn't happy anymore, then it's not going to get better just because you are both going to counceling. It's obviously not working anymore, and if he is not even giving you the chance to make your side clear and atleast attempt to work things out, then you don't need that stress any longer. You just make sure you put the kids first in any decision you make and get on with your life. That cliche' about some things just not lasting forever, believe me girl, it's very true. Sometimes in life you just have to bite the bullet, and get on with your life. Just make sure your kids best interest is looked out for through it all. Good luck!

Oh B., HUGS to you. I'm so sorry to hear that. You sound so beat up and overwhelmed. I think it is great that you are seeking counseling by yourself, whether or not he will go with you.

There sounds to me like there may be a disconnect in his walk and his talk. I assume if he is employed by a nonprofit ministry that divorce would be against his beliefs, but for a biblically sanctioned reason. So, I'm wondering though, if he might not have an unaddressed mental health issue or a nutritional issue that manifests itself psychologically? Has he explored that? Divorce almost certainly impacts ones' ministry!

Please don't rush to second guess yourself in this situation. It is true that men often command higher salaries than women, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it would be in your daughter's best interests to live with him full time. Even if you think you can't afford it now, should it come down to dissolving yours mariage, having your own attorney in your corner will save, or even earn you tens of thousands of dollars in years down the road.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, B..

Hi B.,

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. It really sounds like you need to get a job NOW, and try to find one that would work as well as possible with your children's school schedule. Most daycares have after-school programs where they will pick the child up from the school and take them to the daycare until you pick them up after work.

Do not let him walk all over you. You have as much right as he has to take physical custody of your children. Do NOT be a doormat for this man.

From the tone of your message, it seems he has probably been walking all over you for years. When he asked you to 'step up your game', as you put it, he was trying to control you like a dog jumping through hoops of fire. That is ridiculous! He may deny seeing someone else, but I would almost bet on it. His life is obviously all about HIM, nothing about YOU, and you need to get ready for the big D.

All of the marriage counseling in the world will not help with a control-freak. He is always going to believe it's his way or the highway, and nothing you say or do is going to change that. You can jump through any and all hoops he lays out for you, and guess what? It will never be enough! There will always be one more hoop...

Keep relying on God for guidance, but keep in mind that you probably only have one go-around in life, and you should be, you deserve to be, HAPPY and in control of your own life. Do not let your husband, or any other man, take away your control.

Always have a job. It's great being a stay-at-home mom, but you lack any real control in the finances, and it makes it more difficult to get away from the situation. Even if you have to find a way to work from home, please find that job right away. You must take control of your financial situation as soon as possible.

As for whatever job you find not providing as much money as what he makes...well, you might be surprised! Besides, he is saying that because if he has custody, you will have to pay him child support, rather than him paying you. Fight for your children to live with you. You carried them in your belly for 9 months, and you will always have a stronger bond with them than will he. I don't care what the experts say, most of them are men and just don't know what it is like to have children be a real part of you.

Get a job, get custody, get a divorce, and get happy!!! Life is too short to stay miserable or try to make someone else happy at the expense of your own happiness. Not every marriage is really worth saving, to be honest. It hurts the kids far more to stay in an unhappy and tense relationship than to just get a divorce. Believe me, I know!

Take care, and do a lot of really hard thinking. Do what you feel is best for you, but don't let everyone say you shouldn't get a divorce. Divorces are meant for situations such as yours.

B.
I am sorry to hear about what is going on. The only thing that I might suggest that you are not already doing it to go to www.joelandkathy.com. They offer a slightly different perspective on the relationship between a husband and wife and it might help you out. I have the link to the online book that i will send you (for free) if you'd like. I hope that things work out between you. Keep praying!
A.

PS My sister gave my their info...I am not a sales person. :)

Dear B.,

Whatever you do, do not let him have your daughters fulltime. You have the upper hand on him right now. You are a mom and a stay at home mom. Sometimes when people make up their minds there is no working it out. All you can do is be patient and continue your walk with God. However, staying married when the other one wants out in the end is a mistake. My parents did it for years, and it was so h*** o* us as children. I feel that you should go ahead and talk to a lawyer and find out what you should do in case he files for divorce. Just because he wants out does not mean that you should lose custody of your beautiful children. You have given your life to them and the judge will see that. I don't think he realizes that in the end he will lose. Not only a wonderful wife and two little girls, but also he could lose the house, and most of his money. Marriage is so very tought. I have been married myself for 7 years, and everyday is a challenge. But like you, I feel like with God in my life, that he will guide me through it. However, it seems like your husband may be losing his faith. Maybe he needs to see a christian counselor, or maybe he needs a little time away. Maybe suggest he take a weekend away from everything. If he sees just how much you do for him and his children then maybe he will reconsider, and decide that he needs to work on his marriage.

Best of Luck to You,
God Bless,
S.

B.,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. It sounds to me like your husband is taking advantage of your nature and bullying you into thinking it all has to go his way. I know you want to work it out, but unless you want to lose your home and kids I would advise you to get a lawyer and get proactive. He cannot dictate how it will go and who will get what. If he is making more money than you, it simply means he will have to pay you more child support. You have rights as a mother and wife and unless you stand up for yourself he will steamroll right over them. Once again, I am sorry you and your children are going through this. You will be in my prayers.
-K.

Hi-B. I'm sorry to hear about this.My husband of 13 yrs has went through this very thing off and on our entire marriage.And back on Valentines Day I had had enough,and told him to leave.I told him it was like he was possessed with a demon.He was mad at me and the world and it was always I was giving him enough attention and he felt like an outsider in his own home.And I basically told him he was very overworked and that if he would just take a break every now and then and if we got back into church things would work out.But he said he hated even going back to church.That blew my mind.Because he said for two years now that he felt like he was being called into the ministry.And that he felt like we were never gonna work through this.Anyway, it kept getting worse,his attitude towards me was either total silence or we would fight.So I told him to leave if he wasn't willing,neither was I.But a few hours later he did come back.I told him I was confident he wasn't going anywhere.And that the devil has a huge hold over our family right now.And that we won't be able to look our children in the face and tell them we couldn't fix it because we didn't want to.Its hard to get close to someone that is angry or hurt all the time.I personally think it could be depression and vacation deprived.If you want to talk more email me at:____@____.com

Toughen your heart a bit and HEADS UP!! At this point it sounds like you need to quietly consult a very good lawyer, try to find a free consultation. I'll bet since he's been supporting you and your girls he'll have to pay alimony in addition to child support. Also, why would he think you'd leave your home? He ought to know women are the primary caretakes of the children, and the law is on your side! Your girls should not have give up their home, where they feel safe, either. I think he should leave the home, especially since he is refusing to cooperate and insisting on the divorce. Do NOT ALLOW him to intimidate you into WALKING OUT ON YOUR KIDS, I'm pretty sure that is considered abandonment. And don't be fooled by promises of "no other women", he also promised to love honor and cherish you for the rest of your life. Sorry to be so blunt. Dell

I'm sorry I don't have advice either. I'm a single mom of an adoptive son, so absolutely no experience with marriage. I agree with Jenni, though, that you should fight to keep your kids. Maybe he'll think twice about the divorce. Keep praying for him and hang in there. The Lord knows the desires of your heart.