Lots of Relationship Issues.. and Now Paranoid I'm Pregnant

Updated on June 03, 2013
H.H. asks from Wilkes Barre, PA
10 answers

So.. it's been about a year since I've posted anything but a lot has gone on personally. First off, all three of our kids, now ages 6, 5, and 1 1/2, are doing well. Happy, healthy kids. This is going to be a long post... Bear with me please....My issues are with my husband and I. We have been together for ten years, since he was 15 and I was 16. We decided to get married right after high school and shortly after decided we wanted to have a baby. Fast forward to now, we have three. Well, in November of 2012, on my birthday actually, my husband decided to just leave without a word in the middle of the night and sent me a text message the next day saying he wasn't coming back. As far as I knew, our relationship was doing well. The only strange thing was that his entire demeanor seemed to change overnight about a month before he left. I came to find out that he had been "talking" and hanging out with an old girlfriend he had in high school while I was at work. I work nights three days a week. He even took our children with him, in her car, shopping and for ice cream with her while I was at work one time. I only found out after he had left because our five year old son told me about the trip with "daddy's friend". I was livid. On top of that, I found out that when he left our home in the middle of the night and left me, he went to her house and was staying there for a few weeks. Though that was short lived, I was beyond pissed and betrayed. He swears nothing ever happened between them. He did end up moving in with his parents two blocks away from where our house is and swears he has nothing to do with her, or any other girl, and that he doesn't want anyone else. He has been nearly impossible to deal with. He's up and down, hot and cold, he loves me, he hates me.. He's moody, he's playful.. I don't understand it. And yes, through all this, we have slept together a few times, including recently. Only because things seem to be improving for us. Although, he refuses to stay the night at our home and our kids go to him at his parents house for visits, he refuses to come here. Our children primarily live with me. They stay over there with him three nights a week while I'm working. This has been the arrangement since he left me. About a month after he left, he decided he was going to take ME for child support. Now I never asked him for anything. Not to buy diapers, clothes, food, help with bills.. Nothing. He's been living with his parents. He's got two bills a month totaling under $200. Well, of course the child support hearing did not go his way and they gave it to me. He recently lost his job about two months ago. Fired for his behavior because he's just been so unpredictable. The actual reason is because he got into it with a co worker in the garage. (He was a diesel mechanic). My guess is the guy said something unfavorable about him walking out on his family. Anyway, he tried to appeal the child support, even though he's getting unemployment, has two bills and lives with mommy and daddy. Not to mention, he works under the table for his father. Well that hearing didn't go his way either. So he decided he's going to take me to court for SOLE custody of all three of our children. That hearing is June 12th. My thinking is that he doesn't want to pay the child support, even though he was the one who initiated that, he wants to get medical benefits and food stamps, and for our six year old diabetics disability check to come to him and not me. Now that hasn't gone through but I did do all the work, getting her medical records from her initial hospital stay when she was diagnosed, which cost me $96, filled out all the paperwork and went to appointments and gathered information about how much I can put into her savings account, etc. He has a drinking problem and I think he may be bipolar. He does not want to hear about either of those things, says he doesn't need help and that there's nothing wrong with him. He will not see a doctor or admit there may be a problem. Call me beyond stupid, but I'd like to see my family back together like we had planned ten years ago. Yes, I love him. I was completely blindsided by everything. I was depressed for six months, hid it from our children, and only just recently came out of it when I was diagnosed with early stage cervical cancer coupled with endometriosis. So, I did say I'm paranoid that I'm pregnant. I missed my period for May and I've been very tired, lightheaded, dizzy, nauseated... I only just put it all together tonight and realized I missed my period. I'll be taking a test in the morning. I do realize there can be other reasons, stress, lack of sleep, being actually sick, etc..But I know he does not want another baby and it would be dangerous for me to carry and deliver after the complications I had giving birth to our youngest. I'm sorry this is so long but I just needed to get everything off my chest and hopefully get some unbiased views and/or suggestions. Anything will help. If you've read this til the end, THANK YOU. Lol. I'll be awaiting any replies.

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answers from Miami on

I'm sorry, but I just wanted to crawl in a ball, figuratively, when I got to the part where you said you still loved him and wanted your family to be back together. What on earth are you thinking?

Of course your husband has bipolar disorder. Of course he was having sex with this woman. Of course he doesn't want to pay child support and wants the money from your daughter's disability check.

Straighten yourself up. STOP having sex with this awful man. WHY do you think SO poorly of yourself that you would put up with ANY of this from him and take him back into your bed?

I would not have another child in your circumstances. But that is me. You will have to decide what to do if you are actually pregnant. I hope very much that you aren't. I think that you WILL lose custody of your kids if you are pregnant, as you won't be able to take care of your children OR work to provide for them, knowing the complications you have. That's what he will tell the judge. Lots of mothers who don't work outside of the home find out this hard truth nowadays.

You need to have a lawyer's help here. You need to stick with the facts of how he acts since you will never get a diagnosis of bipolar disorder that he won't get from a doctor. Ask the lawyer if you can get a letter from the guy at work to give to the judge. You want as much real documentation of his impossible behavior in order to show the judge that he is not stable. In fact, perhaps you can get the judge to only allow the children to be with him when his parents are with him. I certainly wouldn't want to trust him to give his daughter her diabetic meds or check her blood sugar levels. THIS is what you want the judge to be thinking.

You two met young and married young. He has decided that he doesn't want children and a family. He wants freedom. He is not mentally healthy either, losing his job over getting into a fight with a coworker. Things aren't going to get any better.

Please wise up and stop being with this man at all. You are fooling yourself if you think that he will ever be the man you want him to be. If you screw this up, he's going to get custody, make you pay him, and dump the kids with his parents. I can guarantee you that he won't be giving his parents the money to take care of those kids.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Sounds stressful. I don't see his redeeming qualities that make u want to work it out. Need a pregnancy test and a good support system to build a life of your own (lawyer, family, etc). This will suck to divorce but I think it is better than immature hubby who cheated, drinks, is untreated for his mental illness. I didn't read anywhere that he wants to work it out. I am so sorry.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


First off - I applaud you for trying to keep your family together. Now with that being said - here comes the tough love.

1. Stop sleeping with your husband. PERIOD. No matter how playful, sweet, etc. he is STOP sleeping with him.

a. Pennsylvania does not, to the best of my knowledge, have a legal separation period, it's when the couple stopped acting like a married couple. Doesn't mean you can't live under the same roof - it means having sex, etc.
b. The state DOES have a legal separation document - which you need and need NOW.

2. Get your health in order. Find out what your OB/GYN is going to do for your cervical cancer and then get 'er done.
a. Sorry - I don't buy the line that nothing happened between him and the other girl. I would have a full physical done and be checked for sexually transmitted diseases. It would suck if you have HPV - that's sexually transmitted - but there's your proof.

3. Your kids. They need and deserve stability. So set up a custody that works for you and your kids. If the three nights a week while you are working is what you and the kids need - then get it legally binding.

4. Court on the 12th. Hire a lawyer. Make sure you have someone there for YOU and your kids. keep a journal or log of EVERYTHING you spend on the kids, etc. I would like to think no sane judge would grant an unemployed father custody of his kids. Strange things have happened. So hire a good lawyer.
a. Make sure the girlfriend that he stayed with in deposed and you know the truth of what happened while he was living there. That might have baring on whether or not he gets custody of the kids....his erratic behavior - leaving in the middle of the night, moving in with a girl, getting fired from his job for a fight, etc. Get it all legally documented.

5. You are NOT a doctor so DO NOT diagnose your husband. Just because someone is "happy one minute and raging the next" does not mean they are bi-polar. There could be numerous other things going on.

6. Your mental health. Sorry - I don't think you kept it from your kids. Kids are SOOO perceptive and aware - they just knew better than to push buttons.

7. Pregnancy. While I don't advocate abortion - if your life is in endangered by carrying to term. Then I agree with it. it's NOT an easy decision and one i would NOT want to make. So please find out if you are pregnant. Stop having sex until you can get your cervical cancer handled and find permanent birth control. I know it's hard at 26 - but really - if your doctor says your life is at risk if you have another child - then you really need to think about your options and what you want to do. If you are done having kids - make it permanent.

last but not least - go to church. I don't know if you are religious person or if you believe. I believe that God does not take you through anything you cannot handle. So - go to church. Pray. Find your relationship with God and you will find a lot of peace in your life - even with all the strife going on around you - you will know that you have God on your side.

I am truly sorry you are going through this. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope your husband gets the help he needs so that he can be "level" again.

Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Scranton on

I just wanted to update quickly before I go to bed.. First, I just want to thank everyone for your responses so far. I do appreciate the perspectives. I just wanted to quickly add a few things.. I do have a full time job. I can work three nights a week because I work ten hour shifts in a mail order pharmacy. (I am a PhT). I did see my Ob/Gyn after the seperation and everything came back okay. I've been seeing them on a regular basis and everything is still okay. No type of std or anything like that.. Just the cervical cancer. Which brings me to this.. I had a procedure done this week to remove the cancer cells. The doctors were happy with the result. Check up next week with them on that. Next, I'd like to add that I do have my tubes tied and burned. This was done during the birth of our daughter, as I required an emergency c section. We had made that decision prior to the birth but it turned out that it would've been necessary anyway due to the complications of our daughter's delivery. (I had a bleed, was bleeding out and came very close to dying. Our daughter was perfectly healthy, no problems with her). Saying this, there is always that small chance pregnancy can happen after having this done. Higher risk if it is done during delivery as everything is swollen. In the case pregnancy occurs, it is dangerous for both myself and unborn. I'd also like to add, that though I am not overly religious, I do respect God, never tempt Him, and ALWAYS wear a cross around my neck. Though my view on this is not a religious one, I could never abort. This based on being a woman, and more importantly being a MOTHER. Last but I'm sure not least, I did take a pregnancy test this morning, which was negative.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Hartford on

Of course you want your family back together the way it was. I don't blame you for that. There's no saying that it couldn't happen, but it would take a lot of marriage counseling and a lot of work on both your parts. He sounds impulsive, immature, and selfish and has a lot of growing up to do.

What you need to do most of all is work towards bettering your own mental and physical health. I think a therapist for yourself would be really helpful. If he attends marriage counseling with you, all the better and then you can both figure out together how to communicate and whether or not you want to be married to each other.

I would not assume that you hid your depression from the children. Children can always tell. Always.

Please... don't make excuses for your husband. He's not doing anything to actually make the situation better. The best predictor of the future is the past and present. Right now, that means that you've got to stop sleeping with him. He's getting the best of both worlds: no commitment, no responsibility, and worry free sex. If he gets you pregnant, so what? You're his wife. What's one more child in the child support to you? That's how he'll view it.

You've got to disentangle the emotions here and think about what you would advise a friend or sister here.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I am sorry. I understand that you want this to go away and things to go as planned. Your heart aches for your partner in life.
One of the sadest parts of life is giving up your dreams for ugly reality.
Your relationship as you knew it, is over. The sooner you accept that, the safer you will be.
But your life does go on and it can be happy again. It will be different but have many happy moments. Hang on.

Yes, your H probably has a mental illness. It's not what you bargained for.
This kind of thing happens more than you know. Getting them help is next to impossible sometimes. You have to deal with them in the state they are in which is filled with a distorted reality and heightened emotion. You need boundaries for your protection, physically and emotionally. It's not to punish him, although he might see it that way. That's ok if he doesn't like it. I don't know if he is bipolar or has Borderline Personality Disorder. Check out BPDfamily.com for symptoms and lessons on boundaries and communication techniques. There is also a board there for spouses of the mentally ill. Those people have all been where you are and worse.

You have been strong in that you went to court and fought for your kids. I am impressed that you kept your head through that. Now this possible pregnancy is a complication but it's also a life. A unique life that could mean lots of joy in your life. Don't have sex with him again. It's too risky.
Hopefully that is the takeaway here.

Talk to your doctor about this. Get a counselor. Get a lawyer. Post here.
Look at the website for BPD. Set up boundaries. Love your kids and love yourself. Strength to you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

What an awful situation. So sorry you're going through this.

I'm sure your husband has some amazing qualities. You wouldn't have married him if he didn't. However, what he has put you through the last 7 months shows a complete lack of character and moral strength. Whether the cause of this is a drinking problem, a mental disorder, a crappy childhood... the end result is still the same. He has shown disrespect for you, your marriage, and your children. I think for you and your kids, you need to stay away and clear your head. Don't sleep with him again.. that just confuses the situation. I would definitely see a counselor to help you get some objective perspective on this.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

sheesh things were never good before the month prior to him leaving if he is an acloholic. you need toget into therapy and realize your children AND you deserve better and possibly try and moe further away from him.
Does he drink and drive? i know my dad did. if so call the cops every time he gets in the car and document everything. file for sole custody and allow them to J. visit. I grew up with an alcoholic and my mom felt exactly like you do and do you know what? it messed us up. for the sake of you and your kids go to alanon or coundeling, have your kids in counseling, and I'm against abortion in most cases but I'd consider adoption if i was you, unless you can afford to have this baby without bringing him back and relying on him. you have 3 kids to think about before this baby.

ETA I forgot your life would be endagered having the baby. I think that is grounds for having an abortion IF you were pregnant which I doubt. you cant leave your three children motherless

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Kudos to you for trying to keep your family together. I think his erratic behavior could potentially mean he has some sort of a psychological issue. It's worth checking out. If he does in fact have a psych issue, the sooner he gets treatment, the better it will be for your kids and you -- speaking from personal experience. And if it turns put that he doesn't then you can decide at time if you want to separate. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this drama with your husband in addition to your physical issues.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

Hire a good lawyer - you're going to need it. Be careful not to say too many bad, slanderous things about him, like accusing him of being an alcoholic and being bipolar without solid examples. Say these things to your lawyer, not to the judge.

I think it's pretty impossible to believe that he lived with his ex girlfriend for a month and is claiming nothing happened.

My guess is that your husband is now 25 and realizing he never got the chance to live it up in his youth. He never got to go to bars and check out girls and he's probably got some regrets about marrying so young. NOT regrets about marrying you specifically, but just about not ever dating anyone else (prior to age 15 really doesn't count), play the field, or just be a free, unencumbered guy in his 20s.

If carrying another child puts your health at serious risk, you need to give serious thought to considering terminating the pregnancy. Even if you are opposed to abortion, it's a bigger issue than an unwanted child (unwanted because the timing is bad, not because you wouldn't love it). If your test is positive, I would talk to your doctor tomorrow and go discuss your options.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think that you and your husband need to have a legal separation to give him the chance to be free and live his life for awhile. Maybe he'll realize that he's a fool and he'll come crawling back. Or, maybe you'll both realize the choices you made as teenagers aren't the choices you'd make today.

For your sake, I hope that you aren't pregnant. Please take care of yourself and your health issues and give your husband the space that he seems to need right now. But get a good lawyer so you're not screwed out of custody or money.

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