Husband Never Listens

first of all no one can make you go to Korea regardless of what he says. You need to talk to his lieutenant or whoever is above him tell them you dont want to go. hes trying to control you by saying you have to go. this man does not sounds like a nice person get out of there while you can!

Well, first off..I'm sorry for all the people that are attacking you. So not necessary.
Anyway....it does always seem to be the stupid little things we fight about doesn't it? I know my husband and I are the same way. I know that our little fights are just masking the bigger ones. For instance, it makes me INSANE that he says he'll do something, then it take him what seems like a million years to do it. I'm a SAHM too, so I know what it's like. It's so frustrating to be at "work" 24/7 when our husbands can come home and drop their stress at the door. This is a constant disagreement in our house. My husband feels like once he's home from work he doesn't have to do anything. I think he should help me out a little bit. If I'm going to the bathroom and the baby's crying, pick her up! don't yell at me to do it!
We recently started counseling and one of the things our therapist says that we need to work on is talking to each other, not at each other. We would try to talk about our issues, but neither of us really listened. So, the same fights started happening all over again. My husband's biggest problem is that he doesnt' "get" me sometimes. I am very very particular about certain things and he just blows me off because he doesn't "get" it. Instead of realizing how it made me feel when he blew me off, he would just rant about how inflexible I am that I should be glad he's even helping me (BTW..making more work for me is NOT helping!)
It sounds like you're trying to talk to each other, but it's having a hard time coming out the right way. I'm the queen of my castle and I really started to act like it. I was ordering my husband around like he was one of our children. So, instead of saying "Go change the baby's diaper" I say "would you mind changing the baby's diaper?" It makes him more willing to help me when I ask instead of order. Instead of him putting the groceries away (one of the things he just can't seem to do "right"), he'll watch the kids while I do it.
You might want to consider writing letters to each other. You can explain to him what issues you're having with your marriage and he can do the same. You can express your concerns and also list a possible solution. For example "I don't like it when you burp in my face. I think it's disgusting and rude. I would really appreciate it if you would stop doing it."
As for the Army, you won't get in trouble if you don't go to Korea. There are lots of military families that don't deploy together. If you think you need some time apart, then don't go. You'll have to find a different place to live that's not military.
A., I wish you the best of luck. Marriage is hard. Marriage after babies is even harder. Good luck to you, pm me if you want to chat.

Yes, you too, are in the army if you choose to marry a man who is in the army, it's part of the package. And of course a divorce is NOT in order, you have a baby for goodness sake! Stop being right about everything.

You can not change him but I do know, as soon as you start changing yourself, you will see him change! If you just do little changes, you will see a change. How's your tone of voice to him, do you call him sweetie or hunny or are you always barking orders to him? Suttle changes like this can go a LONG ways! And yes, men like compliments too!

We have a baby and we help each other out. If my husband wants me to make a bottle for the baby I am happy to because my baby is the one that needs it. We don't keep score and know who did what last, we just help each other out when we need it. It's quite simple!

You need to show respect, before you will receive it and honestly, it doesn't sound like you are being very respectful of him. You sound like you are young and still somewhat immature. I don't mean that to be rude, but maybe you just don't understand yet how relationships work. If your baby is the one who benefits, then who cares who's turn it is to make a bottle or change a diaper, it's for the baby.

Also, it takes two, to fight over dumb things, so that means you are taking part also, in the fighting over dumb things. Accept your responsibility in this and don't just blame him. Change yourself, first

And about the burping and farting...it's a man thing, sorry. They all do it! Maybe if you laugh at it, he will stop. Perhaps he's doing it because he see's it gets a rise out of you. Try burping and farting back at him and maybe he'll stop! :)

Good luck to you, and please try your part in changing. Do it for your babies sake! It never is just one persons fault.

POWER STRUGGLE, this is what you & your husband are going thru. Your marriage is very new & you have a new baby, this is the worst time. If you both can hang in there you will make it. But it will take lots of time, patience, tears & both of you to work at it. If you can, find a new counselor but you have to stick it out for quite awhile like 6-12 months.

My husband never liked to complete an entire task so he would say "lets finish 'this' together".....so I started doing the same to him e.g. if I was doing dishes I would say "let's do the dishes together, I will rinse & you load"........or "hey let's change the bed sheets together"......you get the point. Us woman can multi task & get things done faster & better than a guy can, but men are much slower. Try to let your husband know when you appreciate him or when he does something you like, even if it's not exactly the way you wanted it done. If a man doesn't feel he's doing anything right, he gives up. If you are nothing but critical well then he will just be defensive all the time & your relationship will deteriorate even more.

As far as Korea, well that's silly, the gov't cannot force you to move. But let your husband know that you are happy that he really wants you to go. It's fun when you can turn things around & find humor in things (even when they are not funny at all).....So just say "awe honey I know it's because you love me that you really want me to go" then go give him a big hug & tell him to tell you how much he loves you. If he burps or farts go to a sporting good store & get some stinky spray & spray it & say oh excuse me I must have ate something that didn't agree with me or better yet spray some in his car. Think of ways you can have "fun" with his silly personality instead of getting upset with him. Humor is good for everyone.

Good luck!

Honestly, that first year after the first baby is born is h*** o* marriages. You need to realize that both of you are going through a transitional period, as is your relationship. And it doesn't help that your body is still in flux with hormones, sleep deprivation, mental exhaustion.

1) Pick your battles. You said it yourself, your fighting over silly stuff. Do you really want to end your marriage because of silly stuff? Somethings aren't worth fighting about.

2) best piece of marriage advice I've ever heard was from a man married 50 years. He said, remember to be nice to eachother. (Practice patience. Give the other the benefit of doubt; don't assume actions are intended in the worst possible way. Be polite, talk politely.)

A lot of wives post about how their husbands don't help out as much with baby demands. I'm not making excuses for those husbands (lord knows mine was one if them!), but it's a common complaint. For me, the first 3 years after baby were extremely stressful on our marriage. The workload on mommy is much more than on dad... I found that I could either let it gnaw away on me and make me resentful toward my husband or let it go and just accept this is what it would be like for a while. For me, it wasn't worth divorcing over.

I sympathize with you. I also strongly suggest that you not go to Korea in 7 weeks. You are having major difficulties in your marriage here in the U.S. where you are comfortable with the language and customs. You will have much more stress in Korea than that caused by your marriage here.

He is wrong! You will not be in trouble with the government if you do not go to Korea. You can verify this by calling the Army. Perhaps an Army wife on this site will tell you who to specifically call. You can always call the local Army recruiter who can give you the number for the office that assists families. The daughter of one of my very good friends is married to an Army officer. She has never gone over seas with him.

A note later: I want to clarify my answer a bit. I would not consider divorce at this time. The two of you are facing a BIG change with deployment to Korea. Seven weeks is not enough time to turn your situation around to the point that your marriage is strong but it is enough time to turn it around so that both of you can continue in individual counseling with the idea to become more mature and confident people.

Being in a foreign country is very stressful. I suggest it's too stressful when your marriage is at this stage. Separation can help you both to grow and learn so that you'll have a better marriage at a later time.

He sounds like a bully. Anyone who makes a baby cry for the 'humour' of it, is a bit off in my book.

Ask a trusted person (family or friend) to watch your little boy over night or at least for a few hours, and be alone when he gets home.

Sit him down, no TV, radio, computer, etc, and tell him you need to talk. Tell him that you are at the point that you are not sure you can continue as a couple, but you want to save the relationship (if you indeed do), that both of you need some give and take. Try marriage guidance. Tell him if he wants to save the marriage that this is a MUST, especially if you are going to Korea. The guidance can be through the army, through your spiritual leader (pastor, priest, bishop...) or through an outside source. Some counties offer free guidance or low cost if money is an issue.

As for the bottles, just before your husband gets home, make a few extra bottles...no biggie.

As for burping in your face, or passing gas, it is the reaction from you he is getting off on. Especially if you flip out in any way. Have you tried doing it to him? Not the best suggestion, but he could get an idea oh how it feels. Tell him if he does it again, he can sleep on the couch until he acts like a man worthy of sharing your bed.

I find it disturbing his 'humour' is based on humiliation and belittling those he should be protecting. I'd make the argument that you serve your country and protect those you'll never meet but you cannot make your own wife and son feel like dirt.

I hope it works out for you, but remember, if you are unhappy, so will your little boy. It will get worse until all you do is fight, whether or not your son is present,and if he is, that is the idea of how a relationship should be.

Good luck.

You are the parents of a newborn. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that this is the most stressful time of being a parent, and it's very h*** o* every marriage!

Take a deep breath. You are sleep deprived and your hormones are all over the place right now. If you can, get your baby on a good eat/play/sleep schedule (check out "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo - this book was a life saver for me). This will make an immediate difference and your baby will sleep better, and you'll be able to better plan your day. This will greatly reduce the stress in your life.

With regard to your marriage, I need to tell you that you HAVE to learn to see the best in your husband. I know that it's hard being home with a newborn, but when he comes home, think about making your home a soft landing place for him, where he feels like he is welcomed home. I think if you can do that, you'll see a big difference in his willingness to help you. When I was first married, I had a hard time thinking past my own wants and needs. Over time I have come to realize that my husband is a hard working man, who does not read minds. I have to be patient with him and understand what he needs, and I've noticed that when he feels heard and understood, he tries a lot harder to understand my needs. You have to put yourself out there and make an effort. Successful marriages don't just happen, and life is not like a romance novel, unfortunately. You both have to work at it and be patient and understanding.

In short, no, I really don't think these problems are worth divorcing over. Work at your marriage. Be patient and understanding, even when you don't feel like it. Be polite. These things will help you have a good and happy marriage. Give it time.

Hang in there, mama. These are the tough times, but you will live through this, I promise. =)

It has always seemed like it takes my boyfriend 10 x longer to do anything with the baby, and its a huge ordeal to do it. When I am home all day I can change the babyin under a min, carry her while talking on the phone, have food on the stove cooking while I pour her a bottle. There is NO way my bf can do this. He gets flustered doing one task at a time with her. Point is he still tried and he deserves just as much credit as I get for doing it. I used to get mad it wasn't the way I did things, or he took to long doing them, and I was totally in the wrong. I had to realize he hasn't had as much "practice" as I have had. He also can not block her crying/whinning out like I can. Again, because I am home with her all day and know when she is getting tired, or frustrated with something, to him its immense noise (he also does online classes and is hard for him to concentrate). I also used to feel less important in our relationship because I was no longer a "bread winner". When he would come home from work and say "i'm beat, whats for dinner," there were a few times i could have choaked him. And it was unjustified. I felt he was throwing him working in my face, when in reality I was feeling guilty, lonesome, and less important because I didn't work. Those were my feelings and I turned his simple statement into world war 3. I do not live with you guys so I am not saying he's totally in the right, but i'm not saying you are either. Im just saying maybe take a look at how you act/respond to him. Good Luck!

HI A.! Instead of listening to the poster who called you a whiner....go to counseling. Some people don't think that women deserve to be treated kindly, so don't listen to that advice.

Your husband needs to stop acting like a child. Any guy who makes a child cry just to laugh needs a spanking. Good grief.

First of all, you will not get in trouble if you do not go with him to Korea, he is the only one required to go, not his dependents. Many men do tours unaccompanied, and Korea is one that is often done without ones dependents. That said, divorce and separation are big issues and on a site like this we only get a small glimpse of the marriage, so those are issues you have to search you heart to decide. If saving the marriage is what you want, than insist on counseling. The military pays for it, go to military one source on line or call your tricare office for how to proceed. They will cover your first 8 sessions with a civilian marriage councilor, and than after that they go off your therapist recommendation. My husband and i went once a week for a year, and it was all fully covered by Tricare. It saved our marriage. If you need legal advice on how to proceed with a separation or what your rights are, just call the legal office on post and make an appointment with someone there. They can not file papers for you, but they can talk with you and clarify your rights if you have questions about that.

Being a military wife is twice as hard as being a "regular" wife, especially when you are facing over seas tours and deployments. Lean on your other military mammas, and if you need to vent or talk, feel free to message me privately, I have been married to my military man for the past 11 years.

I'm sorry A. that you are having trouble. It sounds like you and your husband are both frustrated and focusing on yourselves. Absolutely, it is good to take care of yourself, but don't forget about your partner.

Try to sit down and listen to one another in an effort to work towards a compromise. But don't expect it all to be fair and square. Work towards it, but expecting it may set you up to fail. Try to consider that when your husband comes home from work he is tired too. I KNOW YOU ARE TIRED because I have been there, BUT keep in mind that he didn't have a stress free day either. Find a class in communication. If you are unhappy at home then consider getting a job. Maybe daycare is the answer to give you a break.

Hang in there. It's a big transition figuring out new roles when a baby comes into a couples life.

I liked Tarah J. reply for you. It helps a lot to know someone that is living the military life too. And let me just say. I have a lot of family and friends that have served and are serving. Some take their wives and others choice to have their family stay here in the states to where they can have help with the kids and every day life that he want be able to do. I have even had ladies that served have their husbands stay here with the kids because it was better for them. I pray you seek out what would be best at this point in your life.

I wish I has good advice for you. I am am in a similar boat. I am a SAHM and am feeling stuck. I gave up my job to raise our child and now feel taken advantage of. My position in our house taking care of the home used to be valued and now its not. I feel less then and am treated as a burden these days. I honestly feel like he resents me for being a SAHM when he is the one who asked me to stay home. SAHM's really don't get any credit. I did collections for 6 years and it was a cake walk compared to taking care of the kids and house day in and day out.
I would try and find out if you really would get into trouble by the government for not going to Korea that sounds fishy to me. Because if you are already feeling fed up moving out of the country isn't going to help. Especially if you have friends and family here who can be a support for you and your child.
I wish you the best and you will make the best decision for you and your child. Because at the end of the day you have to do what is in best interest for you and your child. And be happy.
Good luck.
T.

My advice is to not move to Korea until things clear out between you and him. You and the child may join him later. I too had a difficult relationship with my ex hubby within the first year of our child and it got MUCH WORSE when we moved to another state where there was no family and i didn't work. I was alone, had no safety net and he felt in control. When things hit the bottom, I assure you, it was a NIGHTMARE for me to be there, at his mercy with no support. Eventually I took my son and left his butt cold turkey, but up until that point I had pretty much a non-relationship with him. So, DO NOT move just yet. Maybe being so far away from each other could help you both re-think (hopefully in a positive way) your love and commitment. Take time, if you can.

Your husband sounds immature, to say the very least. And, don't take this the wrong way, but you're both young. You've got the pressures of a marriage, a baby, and....the thought of leaving the country. That's a lot.
I would certainly make the most of your time by getting into counselling, even if your husband won't go. Arguing over who makes a bottle or takes care of a crying baby seems like the least of your problems.
I wouldn't want to leave the country in the middle of marital issues because I don't see how that will automatically bring you any closer or resolve anything. If it was me, my fear would be that it might make things worse.
Jen C gave you some good advice. Find out what help you can get and what your rights are.
If your husband loves you and is committed, hopefully he will be on board with getting counselling BEFORE you are scheduled to leave. If he says you can deal with it when you get to Korea.....I would be afraid to trust that.
But, that's just me.

I hope you get some good responses.
I hate the idea of divorce, but I was in a situation where I had no choice so I do understand being fed up.
I just hope your husband will understand what HE has to lose if he doesn't put any work into saving his family.

I wish you the best.

yeah, you should think carefully about going to Korea - sounds like a disaster to me.

HI A.,

In 2001, my son and I joined our husband in Korea and lived there for two years. Originally, it was a one year hardship tour for him but when we decided to move there, we had to stay for 2 years (3 for him). Unless things have changed, you are not obligated to go to Korea with him. IMHO, I would stay stateside. In the first few months, I found living in Korea a HUGE transition. We were stationed in Taegu, South Korea. Do you know where you will be stationed? We were fortunate to live on post and were surrounded by other military families. Will you have housing on post or will you need to rent on the economy? Only you can make this decision. Korea can be very isolating. What job will your husband have? How will you handle being home all day with the baby? I know we don't really sit home all day but it's a foreign country and an adjustment for anyone. My son was older when I went to Korea and we eventually appreciated the experience but we truly struggled for the first two - four months.

I would recommend counseling. You deserve to be treated much better than how he is treating you. I would not tolerate someone burping in my face or disrespecting me when my family was around, or not around for that matter.

Peace,
J.

Thinks he's always right and doesn't listen to your side... He sounds like a narcissist and, unfortunately, will not change. I would recommend divorcing him while the child is young, so it won't be as traumatizing. Or at least stay in the states while he goes to Korea. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I do think it sounds like you are both pretty immature in these arguments. BUT, only you are there and really know.

I do NOT think you should go to Korea. You will be stuck in a place without friends or family and do you even speak the language or want to learn?

I have never been in the military but I do not understand why you would get in trouble if you did not go? I do not think that things will change once you get to Korea. IF you do go to Korea I would look into what the base offers for spouses and possibly find a counselor there for you to see. I will be praying for your situation!