Not Legally Seperated but Living Seperate and Husband Is Thinking of Reinlisting

Hey as an army wife, just to let you know... He legally has to provide for you and the kids even though you are seperated... At least while you are married he is legally to take care of his family and if he does't do this then go to his commanding officer and talk to him about it and if that doesn't work then go to JAG and let them know what is going on.. cus the army greatly frowns down on soldiers not taking care of their families... hope that helps you some...

Well it all really depends. The extra BAH, and BAS is it going to go to you. If it is and you can be on a social relationship then do it. BUT we all know men. They change there mind ALL the time. You should write out the pros and cons of it and go from there. Where you are now do you have family, friends and people to help you. When you move will there be anyone besides you to do all the work. We all know moms need me time. the chat stuff is very short, does he not realize people tell you what they want you to know and make it sound good. I wish you luck.

B., I'm retired Coast Guard, married to my wife for nearly 17 years with a son, 6.

You'd be better off letting him go. He's been detached from you since the beginning.

You need to get your ducks in a row and quickly. Hopefully he will re-enlist. It will be better for you and the kids. Call Army legal services and see a legal specialist. Don't let him know about it if you can help it. He may refrain from re-enlisting. You will not have to move with him. You must legally separate. He will have to pay you for child support. Just because he's in the Army does not mean he's immune to Washington State Laws of divorce. I'm not an attorney so you need to make the call. You should also file for legal separation as soon as you can. Do not be naive about this. He's done with you and thinks he can just turn his back. Well, sorry soldier, you have a responsibility to protect your nation and your family. Turn your back on one, and you turn your back on the other, coward. Stand up straight, fight the good fight, and never, ever, turn your back on your family, period.

Listen and heed the advice of the ladies that have already written to you. Start taking action now.

I know nothing of the financial benefits to you or your husband – some other responders sound like they do, and of course that could be important to throw on the balance.

But the relationship between child and father is something to consider carefully. You say your sons are not particularly attached to their dad, and he hasn't been there for them. Trying to hold those sketchy relationships together in a new, and possibly unsettling, situation will probably not feel secure or comforting to your children. I've seen kids who become lost, depressed, anxious, or even enraged because of a parent who doesn't seem to care about them. I'll bet you have, too. Do you want to keep shoving that dagger into your boys' hearts?

If a move like this were to throw you off balance as well, uproot you from whatever community you currently have, your position in the family may feel considerably weakened. You could come to seriously regret making this move.

You sound like you are making emotionally healthy adjustments to your new circumstances as a "single" mom, B.. It might serve you well to keep building on that. Of course, you are the only one here that's able to make those judgements. But I left a hollow marriage when my daughter was young, and it was, I am certain, the best thing I could have done for her. (In her case, she actually has a better relationship with her dad because, with some distance, he was able to discover for himself that she was important to him.)

My best to you and your wonderful boys.

Given your new info that he is a scum bag, get a good attorney and make him pay!

Is your husband reenlisting because it is a way for him to escape the emotions he'd have to deal with by being here? Kinda like running away. If you love him and he love you then you should work it out, You don't have to live on the base, and if you do get divorced any extra money they give him for having dependents will go directly to you to support your boys,as well as getting tri-care for your boys insurance needs. Do what is best for you and your boys, God Bless all of you!!!

I have a friend going through the same thing right now. The difference is, she has put up with it much longer. Her kids are now in High School & Middle Scool. Can you imagine how LOW her self esteem is? And the kids are a mess. Please don't wait that long if you know how he is right now. Think about how YOU can live a better life for you and your kids. His feet will always be heading out the door.
I liked Peg M.'s response. And great advice from the military moms, too.

My thoughts are if you are already talking about divorce and not going forward with your relationship with him. Then I wouldn't move unless you want to. Your husband will get all the benefits still because he IS married. My question to you is what would be better for you and the kids financially and emotionally? Where would you benefit more - here or where you husband is moving to? Are the kids attached to daddy? Your husband has made a choice that he wants to re-enlist and that's his choice. That is better for him. With that in mind - think outside of the box and see the big picture and figure out which way would be better for the you and especially the kiddos. Good luck with a tough choice/decision. I know you will do what is right - you know what is best.

My husband is also Army. I don't think that you have to move with him but I'm not real sure either. Sorry I can't be that much help but I do know that if you get divorced and he is still active duty then you are intitled to half his paychecks. So it might be a bad thing for you if he re-ups. Hang in there girl.

Hi B.,

It sounds like you have a pretty confusing situation. It also sounds like you are making plans to proceed in a healthy way with your life.

You DO NOT have to move with him. The Army cannot force you to do this.

Get yourself a lawyer and start your child support process immediately. Even if you are not divorced, if he isn't living with you, he needs to be paying a regulated amount of child support. If he does not, they will garnish it from his pay. The Army is good like that, admin-wise.

Having been in the service, I can guarantee you one thing for sure--if he does receive BAH/BAS benefits for you and your boys, and you do not have the use of those funds, he will get caught. At the very least, he will have to pay them back.

Do yourself a favor, get your information about what he's doing/planning/saying documented now. Even conversations...just keep a note of when they happened and what was said. Then talk to your local ombudsman to find out what rights you have in regard to spousal/familial support. Ombudsman are volunteers who are meant to help military families navigate the sometimes very confusing world that is the US armed forces, and they may be able to connect you with the kind of admin support you need.

If you can't find a listing for an ombudsman, start at the most accesible place you can, your local army recruiter. They will most likely have the names and numbers of people you need, as they also must refer families of incoming recruits to these services.

My best to you. Don't let an empty threat influence any decision you make for your sons and yourself.

H.

1- Stay where you are;
2-GET A LAWYER NOW-- you need to get your finances separated and in order ASAP. If this "man" is as big a jerk as he sounds he most certainly is going to clean out the accounts
3-GET A COUNCELOR FOR YOURSELF AND THE 5 year old---NOW
4-GET A LAWYER,NOW-- yes it's very important!!!!

Being a military wife myself. You DO NOT have to move with him. If you do end up in divorce after he reenlists then you can get possible alimony and for sure child support. Child support money will automatically come out of his pay check. It will be a heafty amount so tell him to go for it.

A.

Let him go, but talk to his chain of command if he is not paying you in the mean time. They are not allowed to leave their family suffering. The BAH is still his and the BAS is only for the soldier, so that doesn't matter, you will get alimony and child support since you have kids. However the money is his, but they may give him BAH depending on where you live if you are only legally seperated, but I do not know. I would talk to a military lawyer immediatly. Good Luck and sadly this happens far too often. I wish you and your kids the baest and hope if he is out of thie picture you find someone who deserves you someday!

Well I am reading some of these answers and it really amazes me..you really shouldnt go by what some of these wives say..but its the way it is usually....wives of the military think they know more about the way the military works than the military person...usually it seems they know somebody who knows somebody who worked in a legal office

So the answer for you is this...it all depends on the matter or reasoning of why the seperation took place.... for example...I am recently retired from the Navy...when my ship left for a bit..my son's mother took my son and she took off...that is classified as desertion...as I went to my command..they instructed me that if a spouse takes off and deserts you..you have no obligation to her at all..she chose that road not you.... when she left she later said that she needed me to give her half of the BAH for apt..I told her wrong answer..the Navy gives me BAH for the area I am in and with my money I recieve I am not required to pay two apartments and plus the apt I have was always there for my child....as well I went and looked up the instructions to see what I was suppose to do as per military law......if you have divorced there are two things that can happen..your ex if he recieves single BAH,you get nothing...if the husband never chnaged the staus and is getting with dependants BAH, you will only recieve the difference between with dependants and without...It is true the military member should provide for the family, but it also should be based on why you are seperated or divorced....for example if the spuse committed adultry..I am sorry the military member owes you nothing and the military will not get involved...so the proper thing is to not go by people who think they know all the answers..but to look up the instruction itself.

On another note I am reading where a spouse could get half the pay....that is so far from the truth..In the Navy..the instruction says that you could get half the pay with a court order..the key word is could....my son's mother tried that but it didnt work..basically all the military member would need to do is submit to the judge all the bills they accumulated together and no judge would give you have the pay and make the military member be stuck with all the bills.....my son's mother even tried to write my command masterchief and say i was not supporting her and leaving her without funds...well that is when bank statements come in great..not only was I able to prove I paid for all the bills but also the money I gave..the response from my command was to keep up the good work...she even wrote my command and said she went to Navy Legal and when she wrote my command they told her that she was wrong and that Navy legal never told her that because they would never say anything like that

as I said before the military member will always get the BAH..now the BAH is about paygrade not really being married or not..they will get single BAH instead of BAH with dependants..so thsoe saying the military member will not get BAH is wrong. so e even say the military member will lose family benefits...that is not true..if the military member is seperated or divorced..they will still get their family seperation allowance when deployed...it is all about what is on their page 2 of their service record..so you see you are listening to the wrong people on here..they want to give you ideas and give you bad advice..just because you are married to the military ..isnt a reason to say you know everything about it.....you go by what is in the instructions and written in black and white..not by what someone says...

Hello I am ex-Navy. No you do not have to move with him no matter what he says. He will get paid an allowance if you do not live on base housing for housing. If he does not pay it to you, you just need to write a letter in to his chain of command and they will garnish it to any account you set up for them to put the payment into. Him going into the military is a paycheck for you. Once your divorce is final just contact the Army, find out what forms to fill out and submit them, then the Army will do all the work for you(money wise).

There are probably way more questions you have, call me I will be happy to give you websites and all the other info I can give you.###-###-####
H.

As long as he is legally married, he will receive all of the bennies that any other married enlisted person is entitled to receive.

Of course you don't have to move with him if you don't want to - though it would be tough for your boys to grow up without their dad. Spouses often elect to live apart - especially when there are school-age children involved. My neighbor is a Navy wife and she chose to stay here when her husband got a PCS to the east coast. (She has her family, friends, and her daughter's school here - and she knew he'd be on a ship for most of the time so it wasn't even as though he'd be able to come home every night.)

You can get all of the perks of being a dependent up until you get divorced. If you don't want to get divorced, though, you might want to consider a legal separation. While you are married, you are each potentially on the hook for what the other does. (i.e. credit cards, car accident, etc.) A legal separation would protect you if he ran up a bunch of credit card debt or got sued.

They used to call it housing allowance when I was in the military. If you are legally separated, he cannot claim that you are living with him, and base his housing allowance on that. That's like cheating.

For tax purposes, you should claim separation, becuase you get the best tax deduction possible - Head of household. That puts you in an almost zero tax bracket. It's a big tax advantage for you to state it the way it is - separated.

You do not have to move. That is a decision for you to make. No one can force you to move.

It's my understanding that as long as you're married you also get base priveleges at any base even if you're not living on base or living with him.

One service that the Army provides that may be helpful to you is marital counseling.

You could call someone in the Army to learn about the rights of a wife separated from her husband. Your husband should have a number or he can get one.

As for getting a legal separation I recommend that you talk with an attorney. AS I recall my divorce attorney said legal separation costs about the same as a divorce and doesn't supply as much protection as a divorce. I went the divorce route. I've learned that if the couple have contracted debts together, even with a divorce, they are both still responsible until the debt is paid.

Frequently the first visit to an attorney is cost free. Not always. That probably is the first question to ask before setting an appointment.

Perhaps your husband is asking for you to go with him because he wants to try to make the marriage work. If you're interested at all in working on the marriage, I recommend that the two of you get counseling before you make the move.

If he reinlists will he know where he'll be stationed? Considering the war going on I suspect it's likely to be overseas. If he's not going to be with you, why move away from your community here?

This may or may not be a difficult decision for you. I recommend that you decide what you want to happen in your and your boys lives in the next few years and base your decision on that.

If you need more time to decide take as much time as you need so that you'll feel comfortable with the decision. Do what is best in your opinion.

I just found another of your posts that you made this month. He just left this month? He sounds unstable which may prevent him from reinlisting. He will have a psyc evaluation.
I wouldn't follow a husband who has given no consideration for me and my childern before quitting his job and moving out of state. Has he made any financial arrangements for you?

In the financial picture, if he is accepted into the army and you stay here you will get a separate check. Perhaps an advantage to him if you move with him and are living together is that he'll get one check and he doesn't have to have to get your input into how the money is spent. He'll be in charge.

For so many reasons it is in your best interest to get advice from an attorney about how to protect yourself and your children.

As to moving with him, it is not in your children's best interest to move. Life has been turned upside down already and a move would make adjustment even more critcal. Children need stability! And you need the support of your family and friends so that you can nurture your children.

Please take care of yourself!! He will do whatever he pleases right now and it is your job to protect your assets for you and the kids. Get legally separated-- it divides up the financial responsibilities and establishes custody of the kids.

As a side note-- what is your mother-in law think of him at her house constantly on the computer?? Is she involved in the grandkids? If she is-- go and plead a case with her maybe she can push the baby bird out of the nest.

Hi, you have received a lot of great advise. The first thing I would like to say is please do not com dime the online dating service or the girl he met. He may hive lied to her and she does not know the truth.
The first thing to do would be to order a credit report and look to see if he opened any accounts that does not have your name on them and he has been paying his bills on time. While you and he are still legally together, everything will affect you as well. If he has not opened any new accounts, contact the credit bureaus and let them know that you are separated. So fromm that point on you will not be responsible any new accounts.
I would then open a new checking account in your name and have 1/2 of the funds into your new account. Then take 1/2 of any funds he puts into the account. Do this until he is paying support for both you and the children.
Seek legal council, DO NOT LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU ARE UP TO. if you let on what you are doing it could back fire on you. When he tills you he is enlisting just tell him he can do what ever he wants and behave as you don't care about what benny's. In the long run it will work out for your kids, they could get and have access to great bennies for the rest of there life.
And as for your so-called husband, get all evidence that he is with another woman. Most judges will make the man pay alimony because they broke the vows.
if you need assistance for medical, cash or food. Go to DHS and apply for help, they will also help with getting support from the dad, Legal Aid does help.
My prayers are with you.

B.,

Having been in the Army, he cannot get BAS and all that unless you and the boys are with him. If he tries to live off post and get those benefits he would be subject to the UCMJ probably under charges of fraud and lying to the government.

If it were me I'd go to the recruiter or his commander and tell them that you will not be transferring anywhere with him and that the two of you will be getting a divorce in short order. That being said I don't think he can reenlist while going through a civil proceeding. At least that was the case nearly 30 years ago when my mother tried (and succeeded) to enlist while still in the middle of a divorce with my dad.

All that being said I'm so sorry that he doesn't have the cajonas to step up and be a man. I'm sorry that you have to go through this pain and heartache as well. Please remember to protect your boys during the turbulent times ahead, and through the military you will get the child support on time as court ordered. Again, this knowledge comes from my parents.

Please, if you have any questions or concerns or just need someone to vent at/to my door is always open.

Supportively,
Melissa

By the way my kids are almost 5 and 17 months if you ever want to get together. I live in Lynnwood.

B.,

I would contact Legal on base if they are near you. Or contact your Ombudsman...they can help you figure it out. If you do not want to move you do not have to...however for him to move someone in your place and keep the benefits and shun you and the kids is unethical, and in most cases unlegal.

I would contact someone for advice. If you do not think that a divorce will be contested, that may be your best bet...his pay will be automatically garnished for support of your children once the papers are filed. If he is caught and looses pay or privileges, it may affect you as well (not credit wise, but in funding if it is needed).

Good luck,

T. (my husband was navy for a long time and I saw many spouses not seek advice and get shafted)

B.:

I really thing that if he is honest about going into the military, the BAH depends on whether he claims you and the kids or not on his paperwork. If he does claim you and the kids and then does not support you (gets caught) then he has to pay the money back. This is a tax free allotment from the government.

As for the BAS, it is the same way. He can go about and only claim his base pay. If he gets caught trying to claim you guys and then not supporting you, the only repremending that he'll get is a pay cut due to having to pay the government back for what he wrongfully took.

I would definitely stay married to him until he got into the military and see if they take him back. If he lies at all on his application while getting into the military, then he can end up in a lot of hot water!!! Also, it really depends on his debt situation. It seems like to me that he is worthless (not to be so judgemental), but he seems like he just wants away from you and the kids and to start over without you guys.

That is a very selfish attitude to have. But if he is not close to his kids (are they his real kids or from a prior relationship?) then he may be feeling inadequate as a dad.

I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation, but if there are no filings in place for divorce, then I would talk to a recruiter or someone you may know in the military to find out the in's and out's of this whole situation so you don't get stuck without some kind of support.'

Good luck, and I understand how hard it is to be a single mom. I am married to a man in the military (former active duty 13 years, and now National Guard) and it is tough at times, but just hang in there and be greatful for your kids. They are your world now, even without the dad in the picture.

Kim B.

Dear B.,
My name is Pam. My husband is in the Navy, so I have a little inkling of what you are going through. Where are you now stationed? Is there a fleet and family support group where you are? These folks can really help. You don't have to move with your hubby, the money can help you stay where you are. Does your hubby want anything at all to do with the kids? What about his parents? Do they think what he's doing with this other woman is alright? If they are clueless about this other woman maybe you should GENTLY ask them if they are supportive of a family unit, and if they are, why are they condoning this behavior. They could be totally ignorant of the situation. Also, do they spend time with the grandkids? There is no law that says you have to live with your spouse, but the military DOES say he has to support you monetarily. He can't leave you without any money to support yourself and your kids. You can call his command or if there is a wives club I would strongly encourage you to contact these people and get your facts. Bonus is a wonderful thing. It can keep the bills in check and it may be enough to start saving for a rainy day. Why haven't you filed for divorce yet? He may be waiting for the bonus in order to start living with this other woman. That bonus money is half yours. Don't let him take everything away from you. You might want to start checking to see if he's taken your name off of bank accounts, savings accounts, credit cards, etc. Make sure you get what's coming to you. One other thing. Do you love your husband? Is he worth fighting for? Maybe you should do some emailing yourself. Just let this woman know that she's messing with a married man who has children. Maybe she'll step back so you and hubby can try to solve this problem before it involves her as well. And at this point, she can be named in a divorce suit. That does not carry well with the military. They don't like things messy. If she's in the military as well, you could involve her command and get her into alot of trouble. Good luck! Pam

Ok, I'm adding to my response. I didn't know he was with another woman, he isn't a good dad and online 24/7 at his mothers! I hope he does get into the Army but it doesn't sound like he is what they are looking for! At least if he gets into the Army the Army will make sure he supports you and the children. They've changed the GI Bill now too so you could get an education so you can have a good career too. There are a lot of good things about military. And here's my first response before knowing about the other woman, lack of child interest and his chat habit...The military is good about taking care of wives and children too and look down on any of their personel who don't step up to that plate! I would take advantage of the counseling that is available through the Army and try to save your marriage. All marriages have their rough spots so if you can get through this it might make your marriage stronger in the long run. If you can't, the Army will help you with a divorce too. I think you will benefit from him going back into service in a lot of ways. You will have great medical insurance for the kids, he will have to support you and the kids and you will have counseling that may save your marriage. You do not have to move with him but it would be easier to save your marriage through counseling if you are with him.

I was wondering if you had in luck in attaing ur husbands BAH?...I'm seperated from my husband & I'm needing assistance in getting help from him.

YOU need to file for divorce before he is assigned to a new duty station. That way he won't be able to reap the rewards of BAH/BAS. You don't need to move with him, even if you don't file for divorce. Either way, if he does reenlist, I would contact his chain of command and let them know what is happening so they can assist you or you can always go through the JAG office. If he already has your "replacement", then I would say move on!! You will get child support and your children will still be beneficiaries of his life insurance!

He will not get the family benefits if you do not live with him, and you don't have to go anywhere with him. I have been a military wife for 10 years, and am currently in the middle of ending my marriage. The day I get on the plane to leave this place my husband loses his extra family benefits. He can claim BAS during the month that our kids visit, but can not get BAH for them unless he has them 51% of the time. On the same note, the day our divorce is final I have to turn in my ID card and lose all my benefits, including my insurance. They military will ship me and my stuff to our new location, and then will have nothing more to do with me. It is all about the mission and the military member, family is only important to them in that they keep the military member happy.
If he is already cheating, the military lifestyle will not help the matter. The deployments and the military mentality foster extra-marital relationships. I have seen it first hand so many times. If he does re-enlist your kids are eligible for health and dental care. They can also get ID cards for base access once they are a little older (it is either 10 or 12 I think). If you are not sure of your fights make an appointment with the legal office, and you can also talk to his first sgt., he should be a goof source of info.

Blessed Be.

P.S. the half a paycheck thing is not true, child support is figured based on the state you are getting divorced in, not by the army. Depending on how long you have been married, and how much of that time he was serving active duty, you may be entitled to a portion of his retirement. This is not set in stone, and the % can very depending on your divorce agreement. Talk to the legal office!