Husband Moved Out/talking to My 4 Yr Old

when I first read through this quickly, I thought it said "husband moved out and took my 4-year-old" whew! You must be very strong and grown-up now. If you let this get to you it will affect the kids because they look to you. So chin up and I would just tell her daddy is being a jerk right now. If you've been fighting in front of the kids you need to apologize to them too. Simple and yet understandable.

Hello S.. I am myself going through this situation. My daughter is also 4 years old. I have told her that right now we are yelling and fighting too much with each other and we both need "time outs". He has been gone now for about 2 months, and one day she told her Auntie, my Sister, that he doesn't love her anymore. So I sat her down and explained that he loves her and nothing can change that, and that he and I just need to learn how to talk and not fight. I used the kids at school as an example. After our talk, my Daughter jumps up very happy and says, "Oh, so then he doesn't love you!" and skipped outside to play!! OMG... kids?!?!? LOL. Anyhow, you know your own kid. It took a few weeks for me to realize that my fear, was just that, MY FEAR. In the midst of reflecting on a lonely night, I realized that she was fine. We both are trying really hard to over come our issues and not use her as a scape goat to getting back together, in fear of raising her in an unhealthy home.

Every kid is different and only you know the sensitivity of your child.

Also, what I have done is picked up the pace and play with her during the after work hours rather then cleaning up. I would cook and clean after work and he'd keep her company. Well now I feel like I've still got to keep her busy so that the effect of him not being there isn't so dampering on her. It's a plus because I get extra hi-fives and memories with her, but YIKES!! my house isn't as tidy as I'd like it to be. . . LOL.

I wish you the best of luck. My heart and prayers go out to you and the little one.

I don't think she would completely understand at 4 years old. Best I can suggest is that he spend as much time with her as possible and just explain to her that Daddy is going to be staying at his brothers (child's uncle) for a little while but will see the little one as often as possible.

If your little one probes further and asks why Daddy is staying at Uncle whomever's, then I would just say that sometimes grown ups need some time apart and that you both still love him/her very much and will always be there for him/her no matter who lives where.

It's doubtful that at age 4 your little one is going to get inquisitive and ask many more questions than that.

Good luck!

Hi S.. Sorry you're going through this. My parents got divorced when I was 3.5, and I still remember the day I woke up and my mom told me "Your dad isn't going to live here anymore"...I remember going to their bedroom and opening the drawers and seeing that all his stuff was gone. I'm sharing this with you because your daughter may pick up on a lot more than you realize. I think it is important to tell her that her dad is staying at her uncle's while "mommy and daddy try to work on a grown-up problem", or something along those lines. And I would really try to keep things as amicable as possible whenever your husband is around to pick her up for a visit, or to stop by, etc. I hope this is a temporary situation for all of you and that you're able to work it out. Hang in there, I know it's not easy.

Dear S.,

I've read two very powerful articles about marriage in the last 24 hours. I'm passing them on to you. Perhaps one or both of these will speak to you. I hope so. So much is at stake. Some things really are worth fighting for...

http://www.mothering.com/articles/body_soul/couples/marri...

http://rubies.articledirectoree.com/marriage/still-marrie...

Love,
S.

Why dont you try counciling . If he wont go yougo i understand you can get a better undersatnding of what do do with your future as for your son just ell him daddy went away for a while and play it by ear from there. Good luck A. from n hills

Here's where I would follow up on. Why on earth woud he just walk away without trying. Yesknowing the arguement you both had discussed might have just set you to the last straw. But it seems to easy for him to walk away. 3 kids and now you pulling it all together for all four of you. Suppose he had wanted this all along.

They don't communicate when they want out or try to get away. And for goodness sakes just going says it all. Without some kind of remorse. Of leaving. Just stay strong and tell your 4 yer old daddy is gone for awhile and that you will be there for them all. It's all we can do at this time. I know you can do it because your a woman and all women are impowered to do all. If your feeling lonely, hang out with your girlfriends once in awhile ask them to visit more often then usual. They are your support.

Find out why? He left so fast without wanting to stay!

So sorry you are going through this. You need to tell her right away, because she will know that the older kids are upset about something, and if you don't tell her it will undermine her trust for you. Just keep it as simple as possible. "Daddy is staying with his brother for a while."
"I am not sure when he will come back." "Daddy and mommy have been having problems about ______" (keep it simple: "money", "work" "talking to each other"). If you just say problems she may dream up something more awful and scary than it really is. And plan what you will say if she says, "what if he never comes back?" (I will still be here and I will love you and make sure you get what you need). I wouldn't volunteer the "might not come back" part until she asks. Bless you, dear.

I was in a very similar position a few years ago, my hubby and I just coulnd't get along, it was extremely bad. Well after a fight one night, he left and I had no idea where our lives were going to take us. Luckily our youngest was only a few months old and I was the center of his world so...our daughter on the other hand was 2 not young enough to truly understand, what was happening, but old enough to know daddy was gone. I told her that daddy and I were fighting and needed a very nice long time out. Sometimes she fights with her friends, sometimes mommies and daddies argue and need a little away time. We explained to her that we both love her and brother very much. We eventually figured life out, went to marriage counseling and now doing fine. Its been four years. Just keep reassuring her that you both love her very much and that sometimes mommies and daddies, just like anybody else, don't always get along.

Good luck

So sorry, I don't have any advice. I just wanted to send hugs your way. Hope you get things worked out soon. : ) (((((((()))))))))))

Hi, S.,

My husband works in a job that requires him to spend approx. half the year on the road. (He has done this for almost a decade and will probably do this until he retires (in his 60s?)) I always tell my kids, who are 19 months old and almost three years old, where their dad is and how long I expect him to be gone. They don't like the separation, but they accept it. Up-to-date information on their father's whereabouts and daily phone calls from their father make the separation about as positive as possible. I agree with Nicole.

Good luck,
Lynne E

Good luck,
Lynne E

Hi S..
Sounds like a really hard time for all. It makes sense that you'd want to shield your 4yo from the current situation, but chances are she probably senses his absence anyway. You may want to give her some honest, but simple explanation for the current situation, followed by much reassurance about the love both you and your husband have for her. Sooner rather than later, you and your husband should work out times he can see her even if the two of you are unclear on how to proceed with your own relationship. Children have a tendency to blame themselves when their parents are in conflict.
Hope this is helpful to you-
J.
www.judyzexter.com

S. W

You sound like you have conquered the first round pretty well. Since this is temporary, leave it like it is. When you know if this is going to be a permanent separation, then you can explain to the children that their father made a choice. Make sure they never can justify what they feel (that they are the reason for the separation), continually let them know they had nothing to do with it and keep some kind of friendship and consistency with all of them as far as your rules and discipline.

Hello S.,
When I was getting ready to divorce my husband 14 years ago, I went to the library and checked out books on how to talk to kids at various ages about divorce and the best way to handle the situation. I did not trust my emotional state to behave properly and the suggestions helped soften the blow.
Good luck,
Wendy