Need Advice on Telling Children About Parental Separation!

I am not sure what a 3 year old can really understand at this age.. but as for the 7 year old, I can relate a bit.. that is how old i was when my parents divorced. I really just wanted honest answers. also, for some reason, I really thought getting divorced meant my father would move away and I wouldn't see him anymore. I think 7 year olds get lots of strange ideas in their heads. anyway, I would just be honest. don't go in to too much detail on the why, just keep it simple. frankly I was relieved when my parents got divorced, because it meant less fighting, which was very stressful for my sister and I. I also don't know what kind of relationship you and your husband have or how he relates to the kids, but it is very important that you don't speak badly of eachother in their presence. also, keep your word and be on time for pick up and drop offs. kids need stability even more after divorce. you and your husband will need to work harder and work together to acheive that.

good luck! I am sure this isn't a decision you came to lightly or easily, while in a perfect world I wish no one would get divorced, but truly (at least for my parents) I think it was the best thing for them.. they were both much happier in the long run... and I got a great, loving step-dad and step-mother (and little sister) out of the deal. I hope you both find peace and happiness on your own.

Six years ago, when my husband and I seperated, we knew how important it would be for our children to have my husband living close and still participating actively in their lives. My husband got an appartment within 10 miles of our home. We decided that we would never say anything bad about each other or display any negative emotion around our children. We explained to our boys (ages 11 and 7) that daddy was getting his own place to live. We did not go into details about why, we just made sure to validate that our kids were perfect and wonderful to both of us. That we loved them very much and would both always be there for them. We tried to make it exciting that they would have two rooms and even a swimming pool at Daddys.

I want to let you know that my husband and I are still married. We worked through our problems... and I am so thankful we did. It is so important for parents to stay together, unless there is NO OTHER OPTION. Our boys have told me how greatful they are that we are a complete family.

Children are amazing at adapting to new situations. If you can't find a way to save your marriage, they will find a way to make the best out of your divorce. However, I really hope that you can give them the option of to make the best of their family staying together. It really does make a difference.

It really is a miracle to me that my family is intact. I'd be happy to tell you about it if you think it might help. Whatever happens, I wish you the bes. A friend- S.

Hi J.,

I have a friend that is separating and she told me that they are trying to keep things very positive. For example, they talk about each other as friends; your father my friend is going to a new house; you are having a new home; know you have two houses. She sees that they do not talk about separation, or being alone. I thought was a great way of talking to her kids and keeping it simple. I hope this helps!
A. B

I am so sorry J.. I am a single mom of two kids. I know how hard all of this is on top of wanting not to have your little ones hurt. This decision is such a hard one. You realize it impacts them and I can only shed light on what my experience was.

My kids were young, almost one and four when my ex left. I assumed they didn't need a lot of information so I didn't. It backfired.
I had to finally take my daughter to a play therapist as she had so many questions and built up anger because of the situation. She and I had to relearn how to talk about this stuff. My son now 4 is starting to ask questions.

I learned early on, be honest, at whatever level they are mentally, be very honest. Allow for questions and answer them.

Sit down with them and do it with your husband so they realize they are not losing you both, that the situation in the home will change. Your oldest is on a whole different place mentally and maybe you can talk to the oldest alone as they will have different questions and more able to handle the truth.

After learning to communicate what was happening in counselling to my daughter, I explained it like this "mommy and daddy just cannot figure out a way to agree on very important things. By not agreeing on this stuff, we are both very unhappy and it will not be a happy thing for any of us if we try and stay together". "in order to be good mommies and daddies, it is important we are happy" "we both love you and will always be mommy and daddy and be here if you need anything", "we just won't be living together in the same house anymore" "this has NOTHING to do with you, it is about us and not being able to resolve this problem". Constant reassurance to them not being to blame, keeping things as structured and normal as far as rules and routine is VERY IMPORTANT!! They need to know their world will change but not completely. Keep everything on the norm as far as meals, bedtimes, rules and all of that.

Granted I had the added stress of dealing with my ex moving completely 1,000 miles away. So it made everything more difficult for them to understand. If your ex is moving to a new place, have them see it and have them have a place of their own there. With never hearing you put down each other, that will help them accept this situation. I have to bite my lip constantly, I am not duty 24/7, however I have taken the high road for them. I foster the relationship with their father, though 1,000 miles away, I make sure they understand I want them to know how much their dad loves them.

I encourage them calling him, staying in touch. Though now realizing it isn't my job as they get older, he needs to fail or succeed as a father himself. I tried too hard to protect my kids and figured out the hard way, they will make up what is going on in their own minds and it is typically way worse, so being honest is the best way to go.

Good luck, God bless and if you need moral support, I understand completely, just side note me.
Hang in there! :)

Thank you for asking this question J.. My husband and I are just now separating. My son is 4 and he's acting out. He's so sad. He's confused, doesn't understand, and I don't think there are words that will help him understand. All he wants is for his daddy to come home. There isn't any reason that is going to make it feel okay for daddy not to be here. If his dad was working out of state or something he'd at least have "he'll be home on X date."

I'm just letting him talk about his feelings as much as he can. I ask him questions like:
If the feeling was a color what color would it be?
What shape is the feeling?
Does it feel smooth? soft? rough? scratchy? hard?

I'm looking for a good play therapist.

I went through this in 2007. We sat down with the kids, together, and broke the news to them. There was no bashing, no argueing or anything. We tried to keep it low key. We are now divorced and the kids are coping fine. Well, they don't like the D word but they have accepted each other's new partners and stuff. Summer of 2009 we are going to tell the kids my BF and I are going to get married in 2010.

We have a therapist that has been working with the family for little over a year and she really helps us as a group. I'm extremely happy to be marrying my best friend of so many, many, many years. I don't know why I didn't marry him first. Then, I wouldn't have had my kids, so no regrets.

Good luck and Happy New Year!!!

Be honest, they dont need to know the details, but be honest. Tell them it isnt their fault and that you both still love and care for them. Be there for them and be as truthful as you can, as they will be hurt, confused and possibly abandoned.
I separated from my husband when my daughter was two. The only way I could explain to her the tears, was that my heart was hurting. You know your kids better than anyone. They may rebel, act out or introvert. Be there and help them work thru their feelings and validate them.
Depending on how they deal with their feelings, counseling may be needed. Good luck.

J.,

1. Explain to the children that Mommy and Daddy love them very much and want what is best for the family.

2. Explain that you both feel that the best thing for the family right now is for Mommy and Daddy to live apart.

3. Address their concerns about what that will look like. (Be sure that the both of you are very clear before approaching the children. Know yourselves what that looks like).

Chances are that your children are very aware of the disharmony that is between the two of you. The 7-year-old will have an easier time with this new arrangement since you will be able to communicate on that level. The 3-year-old will not truly realize what is going on.

With your 3-year-old the best advice is to create a special room at the home that will be new.

This is simply a general way of addressing what would be the best approach.

I would love to assist more specifically, if you would like
Loving Connection's phone number is ###-###-####.

With my whole heart, C.
Owner of Loving Connection LLC

We assist families to feel WHOLE, no matter what.

Sorry for the hard time! My parents divorced when I was 5. It was pretty traumatic for my bro and I. My parents weren't honest about it and handled it poorly. I think if you sit with them together and make sure they know it's not their fault (tell them over and over and over and over and over).

My parents bashed each other to us for years after the divorce. My mom never really healed from it, while my dad has been remarried for almost 20 years. The bashing was confusing to us and hurtful. I have heard you can put "no putting the other down" in your divorce agreement.

Good luck! Keep a smile on!