My daughter and I moved 2 hours away from her daddy almost 1 year ago and since then I've been dating guys, some not too long but some for quite awhile. She has met most of the guys I've dated but she understands them as friends not anything more than that. She doesn't meet all the men I date but does meet some. I met someone rather special last Spring and she knew he was more to me than just a friend then we broke up and I met someone knew that I became engaged to and he lived with us which I feel was a HUGE mistake because it was way too soon, not to mention the way he yelled at her, etc. Anyway, in October he left us and it broke her heart into a million pieces. She asks about him all the time and all I can tell her is that he doesn't want to be with us anymore and that we are better off without him anyway. I'll be the first to admit he was a HUGE mistake but I thought I was in love and he was the "one" About 2 weeks after he left us the guy I was dating before him (the special one) walked back into our lives and he remains there as my boyfriend and her friend. He's here a couple times a week and we go out and do things as a family/friends when we can include her in the things we do. My question is how can I heal her broken heart and get her to stop asking about the guy who left us after about 6 months of being in our lives?
She always comes first in my book no matter what which is why she doesn't meet every guy and most guys I'm still friends with and they have kids she's friends with so it works out well that way. It's just this one that I had known for about 4 months before she knew about him swept me off my feet and I thought he was the one until things started going downhill and he ended up leaving us. If the guy I'm currently dating hadn't been the one I dated before this other jerk she wouldn't know about him either but she knew him from before and she adores him not to mention he adores her but she still thinks about the jerk from time to time and brings him up and I don't know how to help her forget.
Thanks to everyone for their assistance. I've learned a valuable lesson from all this and am going to try to do better. She's better than she was and I think things will get better with time. Right now there are very few men in her life, her daddy, my grandpa, my uncle and some guy friends besides the one I'm dating which is a little more than a friend but we all agree that no matter what happens relationship wise we will always be friends and keep in touch. Most of my guy friends are single fathers who have kids around her age so it's more of a playgroup for her than anything for me because they don't normally come around without the kids unless she is gone to daddy's.
I will keep everyone updated as things progress with her.
I just read the last few responses, but no one has mentioned that he didn't leave HER, he left YOU! Saying that he "left us" is NOT a good idea-- she's going to start blaming herself for the men leaving, even though she had nothing to do with it. (And it's also a GREAT idea for you NOT to introduce them until you're serious about them.)
I going to agree with the first respones you received. I am a single mother and my daughter comes first. I don't introduce to any men I date. My daughter tells me I am a wonderful mother by myself. I don't need a man. I am setting an example for my daughter. I don't want her to beleive you need a man in your life to make it complete. I am feeling that with you. Sounds like you date one after the other. That is hard on your daughter and not a good example of being a indepentent woman. Do you want your daughter to beleive she needs a man in her life to be complete. I hope not.
I can imagine how hard it would be to be a single mom. But I think children pick up on things whether we tell them about it or not. I think as a single mother you need to choose men even more wisely. I dont think you should introduce every guy to your daughter. Children need stability in their lives and with guys coming and going all the time its probably very confusing for her and heart breaking. And I also think having a guy move in with you and your daughter is a big mistake and kind of wreckless. I know it must be hard being alone per say but your daughter should come first, and then a relationship. Maybe focus more on your daughter and if a great guy comes along take it very slow and get to know this person you will bringing into your daughters life. You are also teaching your daughter about relationships too, even parents that are together do that. Just be careful, put her and her needs first.
I don't have any advice on how to heal her heart, but I wanted to mention one thing. I noticed in your post that you said you tell her "he doesn't want to be with us anymore". I think you should always pose that as you (mom), not us. I don't think it is fair for her to have to carry the burden of feeling like he didn't want her or that it is her fault. And instead of saying that you guys are better off without him, say that it is his loss, it places more of the blame on him for her sake.
Even if you are introducing men as "friends," it still hurts a child when they leave. It does irreparable damage to a child to have someone in and out of their life. Was it necessary to move away from her father, does she still spend time with him? I would probably take your daughter to a child psychologist to deal with her abandonment issues. It probably stems from her father and every guy that comes and goes is making it worse. I would hate to see your daughter grow up and stay with an abusive guy just because she has a fear of abandonment.
J.,
i know how hard it is to be alone, so please don't take this as a judgement, but you need to be honest with yourself. your daughter hasn't always come first, a lot of times your own need to be with someone has come first. i don't know what i'd do in your position, but i do know what i would need to do. i would need to keep my dating life away from my child. it's easier said than done, i know. but those of us outside looking in can see things a little more clearly, i think. good luck. i don't think any good can come from hurting your daughter when men stop coming around. it doesn't matter to her whether it's romantic or just friends. it's still one more man abandoning her.
I have not read the other responses, but this is an issue that really bugs me. I think it is wrong for a single mother to bring men around their children. Children get attached so quickly, and if it doesnt work then who is the one getting hurt ?! Your daughter is suppose to be the most important person in your life. I am not saying you are a bad mom and that you dont love your daughter, I just think you are making the wrong decisions. Now I believe you should date, BUT do not include your daughter. Get a sitter and go on a date, and just tell your daughter you are going out with a friend. When you are dating a guy for a LONG time .... like a year give or take then start introducing them slowly. Go out to public places like Chuck E Cheese, some place fun for her and see how he interacts with your daughter. You need to make sure that you are serious with him and he is serious with you.
My mom always brought guys around me when I was younger, and she did not care how it affected me. Well it did and I was always miserable. Take care of that little girl ..... Good luck !
I 100% agree with Amelia. Does your daughter really need the drama of your love life? You're obviously not very good about picking men, so STOP DATING and raise your daughter. When she's 18, your heart can break and mend all you want. Focus on her, not silly boyfriends.
It isnt up to you heal her heart. You introduced her to someone that she grew to love. When a relationship no longer exists, it is difficult to understand for a child. The fact that you think he is a jerk does not seem to be her feelings toward him. You may have made a mistake but she apparently loved him and did not see it as a mistake.
All you can do is reassure her that he did not leave because of her. you can let her continue to feel for him, that is her right as a human being. She can love anyone who heart is drawn to and it is not up to you to take that away from her.
Let her heart heal in the way that is best for her!
J.:
Her heart will mend on its own with time and patience. I do believe that you can help your daughter to appreciate early love/relationships by being honest about what happen and how you fell about the situation. Im not saying that you should bash the guy...just help her to understand that sometime love last a longtime and sometimes it doesnt. Or when someone loves you they act a certain way or they dont do certain things. I'm sure you get my point. Best Wishes!
I didn't not read all of the responses just a few but I agree with the last couple.You do NOT want to introduce your dates to her.You should leave her with a friend or relative and go out.You need to be happy so continue to date but keep it a seperate life from her,then when you know you have met the right one introduce them only then when you are getting married.Do NOT ever move a guy in with you!The only time I think you should be together with a Man friend is if that truely is all they are and you have a play date with him and his child.Like someone else said in some way or another she will blame herself for the guys leaving.You need to tell her that you and that guy were not getting along and that she did nothing wrong.This is a hard thing,just be careful what you do it will affect her for the rest of her life.It sounds like you want to do the right thing or you wouldn't have turned here.GOD BLESS
Don't introduce every guy you go out with or bring home to your daughter.She will get confused on what happened to that guy a few weeks ago and now this guy she is far to young for complex issues.Have her stay with a family memeber while you get to know these guys and don't fall for men that are nice for a few weeks and spill your life story to them.Men get freaked out and leave and so do us women.Just reaasure your daughter that you are here for her and she is loved when she brings up this guy that left just simply tell her there is no need to speak of him and move to something else.And becareful what you say as her mom to her about these men if you do get remarried make sure it is a match not just for you but for your daughter as well when you get married she'll have a stepfather and you want a good one for her don't you.
It seems to me that even if you think that he is the one and you plan on getting married that he should not live with you, it sounds like that is why she got so attached to the other man. You just have to give it time and in time she will be over it. You should not introduce men to your daughter get a sitter or someone to watch her it sounds like there are alot of men in and out of you life, your daughter should not be a part of that. Children do get attached easly and it would be better of for her not to get attached to some man that you are dating. By telling her that he left us if not correct you need to reasurre her that he left you not her.
I'll pretty much echo what the other moms said, but I too believe you're exposing your daughter to too many new relationships too quickly. I was especially struck when you said "I've been dating guys, some not too long but some for quite awhile" but you've not been apart from your daughter's father for a year yet? Please, for your daughter's sake, take things slower. Your actions are her window to the world and she will form her own actions and decisions based on what she sees you doing. Grasping for any man that will give you attention just isn't an example any mother should set. I know this response probably isn't what you wanted to hear but I think you could benefit right now from some objective outside perspectives and you're doing a wonderful thing for your daughter by reaching out for help! I truly say all of this with the very best intentions for both of you. Your daughter just isn't ready to understand more people coming and going - that should not be her 'normal'. The next time she's sleeping, take a few minutes and just watch her and think about what kind of life you really want her to have and do the best you can to lead by example. I hope you do find someone who really deserves to share your lives, if that's what you want. Good luck.
How do you heal your daughter's broken heart? By learning from past mistakes- which you have not. You are setting her up again. (they are all 'special' at the time you are dating them)
Good Morning J., I haven't read what other Mama's having written but what grabbed My Gut was that the Jerk Yelled at your daughter. No matter how much he swept you off your feet, THAT is never a Given. Good Riddance! You didn't say or I missed it how old your daughter was. But hopefully she is old enough and would understand that someone yelling at her that IS NOT a parent isn't someone you really want in your life. It could of gotten alot worse if You had married him.
For your sake and your daughters sake take things a lot slower. Little hearts do mend in time.
You could always tell her, when she brings him up that you really do not want to talk about him anymore, he just wasn't right for our family.
Good luck to you J., I sincerely hope things go smoothly from here on out.
God Bless
K. Nana of 5
In addition to all the wonderful advice you've already received, I would add that she might worry that other people she loves might suddenly "not want to be with her" anymore, including you. Reassure her that you are always there for her and that nothing could make you leave her. I would also refrain from saying anything nasty about the man who left because, again, she may think that your feelings towards her could change quickly, too. Best of luck!
Introduce her to Jesus - He's really the only one who can heal a broken heart. We might be able to try but sounds like yours might be wounded if you need to 'heal' it with man after man. (I swear I am not being judgemental - I know things can sound different emailing - so I am trying to keep it clear) :) If you two found a good Bible based church to get involved in, you both could find HIM and maybe after that "him" (that mr. right you keep referring to :D). I really have been in similar shoes - Best wishes to you - we'll be praying for you :)
