Single Mom, Seeking Advice

You need to find a new counselor.

What qwack advise was that?!!!

You deserve to find happiness, and you can't schedule it.

Keep dating, and do what you are doing. It is great that you think about your kids well being and don't bring anybody around them unless you are serious.
But children are receptive, and if you stop dating because of them, they might feel as if you resent them. Or they can see your loneliness, and that is not good for them.

I am going through a divorce right now. I understand what you mean. I think your counselor meant well. I myself think it is okay to date. I would not introduce my kids ( I have two boys ages 10 and 3 years) to my date til I know if the relationship was getting serious. I would give the my kids a chance to get to know him first. You know what i mean.

My advice would be to not introduce the kids to every date. What if the date does not ever get serious. You do not what to keep bring different men into their lives. I am sure you can understand. Maybe that was what your counselor was trying to say.

I am also in counselor. I am getting a divorce after 11 years of married. Sorry about your relationship. Stay strong...Healing comes with time

J.

uh no way. just because you are a mom doesnt mean u dont have needs or feelings.you are doing the best thing though by not letting your kids be involved untill later.you sound like you have your head on straight and your kids are # 1 to you so just keep doing the great jod you are.

What the #$!!...no dating until your kids are adults? I would change counselors. I have never heard such a thing. There is nothing wrong with dating, provided your children come first and then when the relationship is stronger and all of you become a family unit, you establish middle ground.

I was a single parent and I dated. If it was just a date, I would not introduce my daughter to him. If I dated the guy for a while and then I may have him over from time to time for dinner and a movie and then he had to go. As for the married man, I had a jerk do that to me too. It is difficult, but you will all get through that. When I met my husband and we got a little serious, I asked if he had his divorce papers. He was very angry and threw them at me, but he was in fact divorced. He understood later why I would ask for such a thing.

I think you have every right to move on and to some companionship. I would look into a new councelor.

Happy Dating =)

Hi R.,

I dont believe you should wait until your children are grown. I am a single mother of an 8 year old and I am now engaged to a wonderful man. My son loves my fiance and has even (on his own)started refering to him as "Dad" to his friends. You are only human and need some kind of companionship. I do agree with keeping your relationship seperate from your kids for a while. And when you find a good man who wants children and a family, then slowly introduce them into the relationship. It is ok to be a little selfish. If you dont take care of yourself even a little bit, you will go crazy. But at the same time dont stress yourself out to find someone. Good luck and I hope you find love.

I don't see why you can't date but obviously this last guy, well you didn't use your best judgement....if he was married.

Why dont you just take time (not 10yrs)and let yourself recoup, then in time really be more cautious and before you bring the guy home, friggin check him out with a Private Eye! No harm in that. You could avoid another situation like the one you just came out of right?
Your kids should always come first,but I don't beleive that you should be a loner, just let more time pass with the relationship before bringing them around.

Good luck,
Deb

To R.,
I was a single mom up till about 4 years ago and I me a wonderful man. I dont think you should give up dating completely you just have to be more cautious because you also have your children to think about. I ammend you in not letting the men you date around your children until you know something lasting is there. Like I said I met my fiance 3 years ago and he is a wonderful stepfather to my 3 children and we now have a 2 year old son together. Your happiness awaits you and you wont find it sitting at home, dating is natural and the way to finding that special someone. I believe there is one person out there for you and only you and when you find that person you will know it. Date and have fun and just remember that any man who wants to be serious with you needs to know that you come in a package deal... just make sure you schedule quality family time. My family for example spend saturday together no matter what even when I was dating saturdays were for my children and to do something special for them. Good luck and keep in touch.

i agree with all the other ladies who responded so far. but i thought i would give you an insight into how it feels being the kid in a situation where your Mom is dateing.
My parents seperated when i was 3 or so and my mom dated until she married again when i was 7. i really only remember two men other than my step-dad that she dated and the reason for that is that she didnt introduce any of them to my sister and I unless she was serious. I think it was the right move. sounds like you are already doing that and I think that there is no reason (that you have told us about) that you should not be dating. it is unreasonable for anyone to expect a women to not have a companion for 10 years just because she is a mother. I would seek another councelor that is not so judgmental.

good luck,
C.

R.,

I believe that you should find another counselor. If you don't bring the men around your children, at least until you know that they want to have a serious relationship, then I feel you have every right to find your soul mate. Your 16 yr old and 8 yr old understand what dating is now and you should also see how they feel about you dating. I feel as long as you aren't putting dating first and leave your kids behind then you aren't doing anything wrong.

Hi R.:

I do not agree with your counselor. Just because you have children does not mean that you have to put your life on hold until they are adults. A man can add great value to your life as well as theirs (when you find the "right" one). I do agree with you as far as keeping these men away from your children until you know that the relationship is serious or not. As far as the married man is concerned. He obviously has some problems in his marriage that need to be worked out. Especially if he's trying to have a relationship with you and tried to hide the fact that he was married. He's a DOG. Good luck with your search to find Mr. Right!

S.
(Mother of 3)

I think your kids should come first. If you are so focused on a relationship that you need to see a counslor when it ends then you aren't giving your kids what they need. Its hard to think about being alone for 10 years, but maybe you could put off dating for a couple of years, until your daughter is in college and your son is a bit older. then reevaluate the situation and maybe think about entering the dating world again. this time not getting involved quickly, and really getting to know the man before he becomes a regular part of your life

No, definately not. A happy mom makes for happy children. You dating and having relationships is teaching them how to have relationships as well. Even watching you go through a break up teaches them something. That some times things don't work out, but you go on and can find somebody else that makes you really happy. I would definately get to know the person you're dating first, before you have him meet your children. You absolutely need to spend time with your children, but you need to have time for yourself and your needs as well.

Hey R.! I am currently going through a divorce with three beautiful daughters at toe. I know for me I settled my first time around and I am not willing to do it again. I have started dating a little bit and am just really taking things slow. My friends and I have a plan worked out that if I find someone and things are going well we will have a big family bbq or go to the snow or something and invite that man to see how my girls and him interact. I don't think for one sec it is selfish for us to want to be happy!! When mama ain't happy ain't no one happy!!!lol To protect our children is our first priority but I think it can be done while we date and look for that someone to share our lives with as long as we take precaution. Life is to short and you never no which day is gonna be the last so we should try to live it as much as we can! I wish you the best of luck!

R.,

I am concerned about the advise your are being given. This is one the worst things I have heard. I think that you have to be very careful with dating and your kids. You have to let them know that you do date but that they come first. I don't believe in hiding things from kids, just use discretion. They don't need a new guy in and out of their lives every week. You are way too young to hang up your boots. If you are not allowed to let your hair down every once in a while then you will turn into a stressed out wreck.

I think you are doing the right thing but I would look into a new counselor. This one doesn't sound like they understand you.

Good luck

L. C
Personal Nutritionist
www.herbalmom.com

I would say no way should you have to wait until your children are grown to love and be loved.

Not only that, but in my opinion it would make sense that your children see you be loved by someone other than them. My husbands mother never dated anyone at all after she left their father...they were all only babies, so they had no idea what a relationship should look like, be like, etc. Every single one of my husbands siblings, including himself have admitted that having a relationship/spouse might have been a little easier had they seen their mother do it. They did not know how to communicate so easily with their partner, and so much more.

You deserve to be loved, never take that from yourself.

Best of luck

no you're so not wrong! don't put dating on hold for ten years, find a new counselor! counselors are not supposed to tell you their opinions, they're only supposed to listen and help you sort out your own feelings and deal with them. there is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone to spend your life with. i'm a single mom too, and dating is hard, and there are a lot of lemons out there in the man department, but hang in there, theres someone wonderful out there for you (and your children.) it takes a really strong man to step into an already established family unit of mother and children, but the right man wont run (or already be married to someone else!) good luck to you, it sounds like you're a great mom and doing all the right things-hes out there somewhere! (probrably hanging out with the one for me!)
good luck!

Hi R.,
I think you should do what you feel is right for you. Either way kids bounce back and as long as you keep the man or men away from the kids until you are serious about him then I think it would be fine but always go with your heart. Your kids will love to see you happy most of all. Give your self a little bit of time to find what you want for you. Hang in there. Who's to say what is right or wrong these days for you!
I say be happy that's number 1 and your kids will be happier and more rounded. If everyone gets quality time with you then it is a win, win!
Take care, R.

R.,
First let me start by saying maybe you should look for another counselor. She/he should never have even suggested that. I am a counselor and the thought would have never occured to say such a thing because everyone deserves to have a social life, this is humanistic behavior. WE ARE SOCIAL by nature.
Now as a mother and former single mother , you should datebut be cautious. If a man doesn't take you to his house dump him, if he is evasive dump him and find an open book type of person. When I was dating I set my boudaries on the second date. My fiance' did not meet my kids or family until we knew each other for 2 months, I explained to him in a non-confrontive manner that I have to protect my children at all costs. Because he was a father he respected my descision. Before I started dating I sat down with both of my boys and we discussed what dating meant for thier mom and I reassured them they were the most important people in my life.I believe if your responsible and cautious you to can have a adult social life. I know it sounds like alot but its worth it and have some fun. Besides if your not happy how are you supposed to make others happy? You can't. Good Luck and please find another counselor , one that lives in today and not in 1950 maybe.

No, I don't think you should wait. I think your kids are old enough to understand. I think that you should spend some time to find yourself once again, and not get into a relationship too soon.

Oh my goodness! I can think of better words to use but that is the most G-rated. Your counselor must listen to Dr. Laura....who I think needs to get off the air and stop writing her books. People may disagree with me on this but do your research. Dr. Laura has some really shady background. I go to a therapist (and yes she is Christian), she thinks that the boyfriend I have is helping me heal from my loss. I think you may need a new counselor. Not all of them are so close-minded.

Just to let you know more about me, I am pretty much in the same boat. I have a small child. No one can tell me that I shouldn't date. No one has walked a day in my shoes or yours. I know what loneliness is...as I am sure you do to. I think you are being responsible for not bringing the dates around your children. The best thing that you can do is be happy. A happy mom makes for happy children. And if there is a boyfriend in your life that makes you happy, isn't that an added bonus!

Life is hard. Be responsible and enjoy it.

Dear R.,

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do not listen to her, that is unnatural to ask a woman to not date until her children are grown. Cold, and mean, I would say.

You do need to heal and spend a lot of time with your children . Bond closely or closer than you already are bonded. Make memories with them, go places. Take them to 'grownup' concerts and plays and ball games and do exercising together, whatever pleases the three of you. Be a group unto yourselves..

THEN, when you decide to date again, bring him home to meet them, share him with them, of course, no live ins for a long, long time. Involve them in your life and they will reciprocate and involve you in theirs. That is going to be more and more important as the years go by. Kids do not like for their parents to be secretive. O.K.?

You get the drift. and good luck, C. N.

From one single mom to another (I have 3 girls 18, 14 and 3), do not put your life on hold! I do agree that the men we date should not be brought around the kids for a considerable amount of time and there are ways to date so that it doesn't take too much time away from the kids. You can go on lunch dates for example. We HAVE to put ourselves first every once in a great while. In my opinion we are the best parents we can be when we're happy in all aspects of our lives. There is nothing wrong with taking a little time for yourself now and then and there is nothing wrong with dating while your kids are still young! Your kids are old enough that you can put your daughter in charge for a couple of hours while you enjoy a dinner out or a movie here and there.... I could go on and on. I guess what I want to say is that you should not let anyone make you feel guilty for dating. As long as its done responsibly and discreetly (so its not thrown in the kids' faces) there shouldn't be an issue with it! So YOU GO GIRL!

R., I can't say this strongly enough NO!!!-- don't put your life on hold until your kids are grown. You'll build up unconscious resentment and it's not a good example anyway. Your kids are old enough to realize that you need a life too. Your son may have a harder time with sharing you - he is the man of the house right now and he'll feel threatened--but it's good training for life. Just reassure them and then get on with it. Don't give them too much power, they really don't want it but it's their jobs to push as far as you'll let them go. And I see nothing wrong with your kids spending time with your male friends. We're all allowed to have friends, right? Maybe have him to dinner, or you all go out. I wouldn't recommend sleepovers for a while, but they need to know that you are a person too and you have wants and dreams and you deserved to go for it. Isn't that what we're supposed to be training our kids for--to live life equipped with as many as the tools they'll need that you can give them. Go on R., be happy. You are the mom. Don't forget it! Good luck!

V.

If you were only "mom" then putting your life on hold for your children would probably be acceptable, but you are R. and you still have to take care of R.. I think that not bringing the men you date around your children for a long time is a very good and very responsible way to date. The only downfall to dating when your children are younger is if they get attached to someone you are dating and you break-up...it could have a more lasting effect on them. Just continue to be responsible and obviously think a lot about what influence your dating will have on your children and I'm sure everything will be okay. My sister-in-law had a 2 year relationship with a man that she found out was married...it was VERY hard for her as he seemed great (so amazing how some men can be so deceitful). I'm sorry you are having to go through this...good luck to you.

R., The biggest problem I see is that single mom's really like having men's attention but have to consider the kids. What I did when my kids were under 18 was to date but I had a rule not to ever have men to the house or meet the kids. I would meet at a restruant for dinner, go to movies etc but never have them to the house. Even when they seem wonderful. You should date a very, very long time before introducing you children to even nice men. When you breat up and we often do, your children won't keep losing friends. See how hard it is for you to break up, think about how hard it is for them to keep losing people from their lives? I don't think not dating is the answer. You will get too depressed and unhappy. You don't want to resent you kids either. You just have to keep very firm to your rules and put the kids first but keep dating and kids seperate.

NO you should not have to put dating on hold for 10 years. My mother was raised by her step father who is the most wonderful man. And my grandfather would never have found him if she hadn't dated. Your kids need a happy well balanced mom, and to have that you need to do what makes you happy- and that includes dating. It sounds like you are being careful about what affects your kids. The counselor is welcome to her opinions, but that is all they are- is opinions, and in this case I believe she is wrong.

Hi R.
Well I see you got enough responses, to help you make a decision. For a moment I wanted to discarded but it call my attention the name of a very good friend of my “Dr. Laura Schlessinger” in one of the responses you receive . So I would like to add my.
First of all regarding Allison’s response to you about maybe your counselor listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger? and that is why she is giving you that wrong advice. Yes, Dr. Laura she doesn’t agree in dating when you have kids to take care or too young I don’t agree with her in that but I do agree when she said that we women we had to take care our kids and tried not to make them feel replace.
Any how to Alison I wanted to tell her that her advice to you is fine but, it will be better if she don’t base her advice in another people life, Dr. Laura schlessinger she is a very professional and educated women with many talents and family values which is very important to have, and you are right she is been with a lots of problems and not so good experiences in her life just like everybody else, but that doesn’t make her a wrong person or bad counselor contrary that make her great , because she was smart enough to step out and go on in her life and got herself an education and that make her wise enough to give advice and to do what she is doing right now as a counselor, so you think that people whom have been with problems in their life cant not give advices to others ?you are very, very wrong, I believe is the contrary. By the way Psychologist they don’t base their advices in what they hear in radio shows they based on years of study and statistics and sometimes personal experience.
To you R. good luck and remember always have a little time for your kids too while you are in this relation.
Regards

Josie

I don't think you should put dating off at all. I completely understand that we all need someone to talk to and a person to share our life with. 10 years is a very long time to put off dating. You're so young too. Just as long as you're completely cautious with the men you bring around, it should be ok.

I'm also really sorry about your last relationship. I can only imagine how hurt you must have been. Keep your head up and I'm sure you'll find that special someone soon. Take care!

Hi Ronda, this is only my opinion! Your therapist gave you her opinion, but the decision is in your hands. Nobody what everybody else said, is what you want and how you feel. If you wait ten year's you are going to be 44, and is going to be harder for you to find someone to share your life with.Now you said you are very careful , about your relationships is great. I think the best thing is to talk, to your kids about how you feel. I now is not going to be easy, but if you find a good man who will accept your children in his life. I am going to something like that, my husband walk out about 2 years and my little one does not want to share her mommy with nobody.

Hello R., I cannot believe a counselor would suggest such an awful way of neglecting yourself. I think your approach of dating but not bringing someone around the children until you feel it is serious enough is great. I think it is a good idea to have your own happiness and your children will benefit from having a mother who is mentally happy.

My brother in law went through a divorce 5 years ago and has two daughters with his ex. Well, it is more important for her to party and focus on herself than it is to spend time with her daughters. So, my brother in law devotes every second of his life to them to compensate for what they are missing out on with their mother. He doesn't date and says he wont until their grown and he sleeps on his sister's couch because all his money goes to child support and the extra money he makes he spends on the girls' every want and desire. Inside though he is completely miserable and I have told him that his girls will sense that and it will affect them. I've also told him that giving his daughters everything they want is not the way to make the wrongs right. I truly believe that a parents mental happiness makes for a better life for their children.

I really think you should date when you want and that you sound smart about how you handle it with your girls. Counselors are good, but they arent always right. Follow your heart, you seem to have a good sense of what is right or you wouldn't have asked for a second opinion. Good luck and Best wishes...D.

Who benefits from your unhappiness? Talk to your kids about what you want...if you're happy and they are getting their needs met, they would support your new relationship.

Ask the universe for what you want.

I do not think you should put off dating for 10 years. I was in a bad break up when my oldest son was a couple of months old. I decided to take a break from dating, and found the man of my dreams. We dated for awhile and then I let him meet my son. My son fell in love and shortly after we got married. Now we have our own baby boy to add to the family.
Just ease into the dating scene, guard your kids' feelings, and ditch the counselor.

Sounds like you didn't do anything wrong with that man, he was the married one. I might be worried about people who are distressing to you making your children concerned when they see you upset. Otherwise, keeping men uninvolved with your children until you are absolutely certain they meet the high quality standards sounds very sensible.
I have a lot to say about counselors, but I don't know if you want to hear it because it is 99% bad. You sound like a very conscientious person, and it makes me sad to hear sensible people second-guessing themselves.

I believe if you do not bring around men until it is very serious and he is not married then I do not feel it is wrong. do not put your life on hold or you will start resenting your children just do not go out all the time once a week is good.

I absolutely disagree with your counselor. It is an awful thing for your kids to have to go through a breakup, but there is no reason you should put your entire life on hold until your children are adults. I also feel that your counselor had NO right to impose her personal views upon you, that is not what she is there for. This is a judgement clal on your part, but many women find loving wonderful men while they are trying to raise their kids, there is no reason for you to miss out on life. I am glad to hear that you are cautious with who you bring home, and if you are comfortable with bringing the guy home, then it is great thatyou can share life with your kids. If nothing else you are teaching them that it is oK to be out there and love someone.

NO NO and NO. i think your doc's a quack or is highly unhappy her self. you should not "hunt" for a man but if you happen to meet one you're just supposed to say "come back in 10years?!" i mean a happy woman makes a great mom! plus if you find a good one, it would help teach you kids what a good healthy realationship should b like! it just strikes me odd too-i guess i have another 12yrs b4 i can date! lol. i think your being wise, just use your head and maybe get another shrink :) good luck and God bless.

Fire that counselor, she is WRONG. Don't ever put your heart on hold, it will make you regret all the time you could have found love, real love. Just be careful when it comes to the men you introduce to your kids, that is all. They do not want an unhappy and unfulfilled mother, no child wants to see his or her mom loveless. Your kids will one day blame themselves if they think they kept you from finding love. Go out and have fun, remember you are a woman first, then a mom, but do it intelligently and with your children always in the back of your mind in terms of any long term love potentials. But NEVER put your heart or your life on hold for ten years just because some twisted counselor things that you don't deserve to love again.

Hello R.. I am a 37 year old single mom also with 2 kids and I started dating about 1 year ago. I don't think you should have to wait until your kids are adults before dating. Besides there are many different opinions on what people consider as "adult". Is it 17?, 18?, after they graduate from college? I think you are doing the right thing by waiting awhile before introducing your dates to the kids. And I don't think you are being selfish at all by wanting a relationship with someone. What I do think, however, is you should find another counselor and get a second opinion. I started seeing a counselor several years ago to help me through my divorce and have kept coming back to her. When I informed her that I was thinking about dating she was very supportive. You will encounter difficult situations with every new experience whether it is dating, getting a new job, etc.... Hopefully you (and your kids) will learn something from each experience and move onto the next one. I don't think avoiding these situations is the solution. I hope I've help you in some way. M.

Hello,

I am a 36yo single mom with 4 kids - - - I am now healing from trying to date again now that my children are a bit older - - - I don't think you are wrong - being a single mom is tough - - - but on the other hand I really wish I hadn't dated - the man didn't just hurt me - he hurt my children as well - I wish you the best of luck - - - I have been thinking about joining the local PWP (parents without partners) to help me network and find some friends since I will be spending so many years alone....

I am shocked to hear a therapist make a statement that could be taken to heart and led to guilt, for wanting to share your life with possibly your soulmate and life long partner. I have 8 children, 4 are mine, 3 are his, and now we are adopting. All 8 are ours in our hearts and if a therapist had suggested I remain single and miss what I have today, she/he would have been selling my life short, with no regards for what could be waiting out there in all of the millions of people we never know we are about to meet. I am sorry for your situation, the married man and how that has effected you. I would not stop looking for a partner if that is your dream. I must repeat YOUR DREAM. I do not know if it is meant to be or not to be, but you can not fall once and sit on your deriere and expect things to fall into place. I say be cautious, careful and have high expectations for any man you date or allow to share any amount of your time that takes you away from your children, if only for a 2 hour movie. But never let another person who holds a title of professional sell you short on your life. How ignorant of them as well as selfish. Now if I have been misinformed and she knows a pattern in your life of bad mistakes repeated over and over, well she may have a reason for asking or telling you what she believes. I dont see one married man as a reason to quit now. Have a blessed Easter. by the way I am in Fairfield, hope it isn't my hubby LOL!!!! just kidding of course, dont want to send anybody into a tailspin.

R.,

I was a childin that situation as I grew up both of my parents have remarried 2-3 times each. From my point of view it was an awful situation to put a child through that but I would never tell anyone that they couldn't date during this time. If you are not Happy your kids won't be happy. This is coming from 1st hand experience. As long as you make evey decission base on your childrens best intrest. You can keep peace in your family and keep dating as long as your children are not the ones to clean up the pieces everytime something goes wrong. Don't introduce the man to them until you are sure it is the right time for all of you.

Everyone needs some sort of companionship maybe not right now but everything will work out for the best.

Both of my parents are very happy with their new spouses and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Good Luck,
T.

R.,

I think it is great that you are going to counseling. I also think that it is great that you are so open minded to continue to date...I have seen many women after a hurt far less "awful" than your's give up all together on dating so kudos to you.
I would ask your counselor why she believes that - you want to make sure that she is not putting her own "baggage" or personal beliefs on to you. Make sure you are seeing a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT)because your decisions do affect your family. But with all that said...I have never heard that advice given under any circumstance. You might want to consider changing therapist; I know that can be a tough thing to do because you have shared so much with her but it just doesn't seem that she is a fit for your life and goals.

You are more than a mother you are a woman; and it is not selfish to want to find a companion. If my mom had waited until I was an adult to date, she would have missed out on the man she has been married to for over 20 years now...and by the way, he is a counselor :)

M.

No way ...just because your therapist has a degree doesn't make her right. You are doing right by not bringing your dates "home" . When it is serious then you can introduce him.
good luck!
M.

Hey there you absolutely should get out there and have fun!!!Date if you want just keep that part of your life seperate from the kids. Don't introduce anyone to them unless he is the one (and you will know when it happens) that way the kids won't get confused or have hard feelings. Remember moderation though when going out along with honesty with the kids and yourself, and you and the kids will be fine.

No you should not wait. Does it seem in anyway to be harming your children? I to am a single mom with 3 little ones(ages 3,5 and 6)and while I am careful who I see I dont want to pass up the chance of meeting the right guy. However a good idea is to not let your kids know that the guy is anything other then a friend until you are sure it is going to be a serious relationship. That way the dont start looking at him as a father figure.

R. Williamson

Stayin Home and Lovin it!
You can to, check out my
website for more info
www.asparrowsfreedom.com

Yes. You should wait until both children are grown before you begin dating again. Raising kids takes a lot of time (as you well know, I'm sure), and as a single mom, you probably don't have much time. As such, you really have to prioritize your time. Your kids should come first. That dosen't leave much time for dating. Then, when they are grown, you'll probably have more time than you'd like. That would be the appropriate time to start dating again. Also, by waiting to date again, you'll be telling your kids both in words and actions that they are important to you. So important, that you are will to wait for delayed gratification that may come with a relationship with another man. Lastly, your kids don't need the drama of your breakups. Growing up is hard enough. Focus your time on your kids. They don't stay kids forever!

I am a single mom too and I have a 4 year old daughter. Why did your therapist say that? I've been seeing a therapist as well and she would never say that. I mean, I don't date very often only because I am so busy. As a general rule, not dating until your kids are adults is wrong. I mean, when did becoming a mother mean that we stopped being human? Do not feel guilty for wanting romance in your life. No one should. I think everyone is different. Personally, I have only introduced my daughter to only 1 man that I've dated. While always mentioning that I'm a mom, I seperate those parts of my life FOR NOW. If I ever meet THE ONE, You bet I won't wait 14 years to be with that person.

I just wanted to say that I feel your counselors advise was out of line. Though I understand that relationships while your children are young can be sticky, they are by far impossible and NO ONE should ever be told to shy away at a shot of happiness!

The stats show that another man who could do more damage than good to your kids. Did you know the rates of kids being molested by step parents or boyfriends is much higher than people think? Also your kids have already had a lot of changes in their lives, children thrive on routine and consistency. Right now what they really need is you. Be there consistent rock.

I am also a single mom with two children, they are now 19, 20 years old..But I got divorced when they were 8 and 9 years old.For my experience I will advice you to keep any relationship away from your kids..You do have the right of seek your happines, becuase as time goes by and kids grow up, trust me... the only thing they want is get out of the house and be independent and then you find yourself alone..Be careful dating guys. Men are always lying about their marital status...Until you have known the person for quite a while get your children involve, so they can get to know the person too.
I wish you good luck.

No you shouldn't! A 16 year old is pretty grown up so that shouldn't make a difference. If your 8 year old isn't having a problem with it then it really shouldn't make a difference either. I would look into a different therapist. It's not selfish to want someone and as long as you're keeping your kids safe then there shouldn't be an issue.

Hi, I cant believe a counselor would say that. I dont think she is qualified in what she is doing!! That is the most rediculoas thing I have ever heard. Yes your family should be first, quality time is very important! there is nothing wrong with a healthy relationship, though i would consider really getting to know the person before you introduce your children to him. our doing a great job!! S.

I tried not to talk about my boyfriend to much with my son. Take it easy, children find a way to blame themselves for the break up. Little by little the 3 of us would go out and do something fun. Because I took the relationship slow after my divorce my son and boyfriend get along real good now. You have to have a life too and it is hard finding the balance, but put your children first.

I have read your letter and am shocked at what your counselor has told you!!! Yes it is true you should not be bringen home man after man, which I don't believe you do. But of course you can date. Live your life! You are a woman not just a mom! If you find something serious, slowly bring him into the picture. For example, just start by taking a walk with the kids and HIM every now and then. It is hard, trust me I know. I have been there. Just take your time. Let your childeren also judge him. I know it might sound silly, but childeren have a sensor for good people. If after a while the childeren feel ok with that person, let him in to your lives a little bit more. Take one step at a time.
Good luck! Stay strong. Give your self and the childeren time.

i dont see why you should.. That just seems alittle unfair.. If you arent bringing them around your children and they arent showing any negative reactions to you dating then I dont see what its hurting.. Good luck girl.. Sorry about your recent break up.. Men can be total asses.

R.,

It's tough to say, but I would follow your counselor's advice. I think her point might be that your kids need your 100% emotional attention. The more you are pulled away or fragmented by another relationship, the less they might have the chance to get of you... I'm not writing in a judgmental tone, at all! as I have not been in your very tough situation. I can't even imagine. Hang in there, but I've heard this advice from others as well. Stay single, invest yourself into friends and family and then begin dating when your son is up and out. Good luck!

R.,

First, I would like to say that I'm sorry you had to go through that ordeal with that married man. I hope he doesn't do that to anymore women. About that counselor- I never heard
such advice, but I don't know all the details of your circumstance. There is nothing wrong with having a companion and sharing a life with someone right now, but I would make sure you are emotionally ready. Have you tried eharmony? They match you with compatible men. I personally did not date for 7 years and worked on personal growth by reading books on relationships, surrounded myself with healthy friends, and allowed God to show me things about myself. After the 7 years, I met my amazing husband. I don't think we would have been a good match if we both didn't work on ourselves prior to meeting. We've been married for almost 5 years and it gets better as time goes by. I hope you find your match! God Best to you... A. B

Hi R., I can so understand your situation, however, there is one thing that we have no control over, and that is what is churrning inside of us. We need companionship and unless you are superhuman you can't stop those feelings. You are definitely doing the right thing by not bringing the guys you date around your kids until you find "The One". Since you have a precoucious 8 year old, you might think about getting him into background work. You will meet lots of people on the set. Look at Julia Roberts (married a camera man). If you think you might like to do this, go to www.jkelly4extras.com.
I'm giving a special price to people on this site. I did this work for 8 years after Jack died, then wrote the book.
Let me know how things go.
Best to you......J. K

No you are not selfish.... You have every right to go out and date....i'm a single mom too... I haven't started dating, due to so many reasons, but i will soon....don't put dating on hold.. You are going to regret it.... You need to think about yourself too... Cause the kids grow up, and then where are you left... You are not neglecting your children, you are always going to be their mother... I think she probably told you to put it on hold due to what happened, in that case give it some time to test the fields again, but not 10 yrs....

I am shocked that you were told that!! I was a single mom of two and Loved them Very much I felt the same way as you and didnt know what to do.My counselor told me that in order to do the right thing for my kids I have to think about me and my happyness too.It is important not to bring just any random guy around your kids,yet on the other hand if you are dating one guy for a while and he becomes a part of your life it is important for him to meet the kids and see that they can all get along as well and he becomes a part of there lives.I am now Married and we had an additional two kids bringing me to a Mother of 4.He is a very happy father of 4 now and Loves them all equal!Remember you have to take care of yourself "For your kids".Thats not selfish!

I hope what I have said will help you a little.I wish you the best of luck!!
Sincerely JeNna

Well that is an personal ideal that the Doctor has. I think you should be careful of what you expose your children to, but how else are people who have been divorced get married and start a new life? I believe you should ask your children how they feel about dating and just to see where they are in you dating. I am a christian I do believe that even if you been divorced that God still has someone for you. I think you should write down the kind of man you'd like in you and your childrens life and pray for him. You don't need to spend time looking for him just pray and he come when you least expect it. Right now though going through what you just did I would not pursue another relationship right away give yourself time and your children. I hope that God brings the desires of your heart.
J.

Get rid of the councelor. Most of them don't live in the real world anyway. You are entitled to have a life and be happy. You sound like a great mother so enjoy life. Your prince charming is out there. Go find him. :)

Hi R.,
I too am a single mom. I have 2 older children from 1 marriage that are 23 and 22 and from the second marriage that lasted a year, a 5 year old son. After my first marriage ended after 17 years my children where 15 and 16. At first it was great when I found someone to share my life with, but where mom goes so do children and during the first few months of marriage it was great until baby came along and then things turned crazy and unfortunately my older children were the targets. Knowing what happened trying to bring children into another relationship no matter how wonderful the guy is I just can't seem to commit to anything new relationship and have my youngest child endure any emotional upset because I am lonely. I date when he is not at home, I do not ever bring anyone to the house and the gentleman I have been seeing for 2 years now understands my position and does not push any issues, we get together when we can so that the optimal environment for my son is maintained without undo stress because i am lonely.
There are so many bad things that happen to children when new relationships are formed and If I wanted to have someone in my life then I should of practiced safe sex. So, I am a mommie first!
As for statistics...we already have a 50% divorce rate with 1st marriages and the rate is even higher for second marriages. The best thing I have done for my child and I is gave myself time to be stable emotionally and finacially so that I would not need to rely on someone to help me...first I helped myself. I believe the big question is that you need to ask yourself, 1. why do I need/want the relationship, 2. am I emotionally secure? 3. Am I financially secure? 4. What do my child/children think? (because this would be your choice in a person not theirs)
So bottom line...I have no sure answers, but I do know what does not work and I do not want to repeat another relationship and put my child in danger emotionally or financially because I am lonely. To find another home without any money in the middle of the night...all i have to say is thank god for good friends because i have no family around me. So just be careful of your choices because your choices may not be the best for your children.

If I were you, I would have platonic friendships with men for a while until you feel comfortable dating again.. There is no harm in having male friends around.. who knows you might become more than friends after you get to know each other.. You are still young and have every right to enjoy yourself.. Yes you are a mother but showing both your children that having the opposit sex as friend can be a good thing. i am married now for 5 years and I have a few guy friends that my husband does know about but I am more their friend than his.. They come to me for a woman point a view it is help me grow to understand the opposite sex.. Take care and again just start out with friends..

of course you dont put dating off for 10 years. have you taked with your kids? ask them how they feel. yes your kids are number 1 always and i agree with you dont bring men in and out of there lives or even bring every guy around, but you have to live and be happy. IF YOUR HAPPY YOUR KIDS WILL BE HAPPY ALSO. FIND A NEW counselor this one isnt right for you.

Your counselor is either nuts or living in the dark ages. Not only should you continue to date for yourself, it's actually healthy for your kids too (provided you follow the rules and act sensibly and cautiously).
Of coourse your kids come first, and any guy you date should know that, but they also shouldn't be the center of your universe. That is unhealthy for all of you. By going out and enjoying your life, you are recharging your batteries for your kids, and giving them a healthy model to follow.

I have heard that from one author, but to me it's THEIR opinion. There are good and bad counselors so take their advice w/a grain of salt. Ask the counselor WHY he/she thinks you shouldn't date and have them clarify it and then from there make your own decision. They are there to guide you, not dictate to you.

If you just recently went through a breakup you probably need some time to heal and evaluate how come you ended up dating a married man. There might have been red flags that you didnt'see out of denial or wanting someone in your life so bad you couldnt' see the red flags. TAke some time for yourself so that you feel whole without a partner. A partner is like seasoning they should ADD to the dish and make it more flavorful, not make up half the meal. THe healthier you are, the healthier relationships you'll have. It doesn't hurt to wait a little while. I had a terrible divorce and afterwards spent time reading and going to counseling to figure out why I attracted such a bad husband, why I didn't see the red flags when he was lying, cheating, etc. It helped me and I found a much better boyfriend and we plan to get married. He's a much better father figure than my ex-husband could ever hope to be to his own kids.

So I think you should date, but maybe give yourself some time to heal first. You have a right to a life and there are many people in this world that treat single moms like dirt and make judgements. Go with your gut instinct! Good luck!!

I think that's outrageous advice. Your children should come first, but at the expense of your own happiness? No, that's not entirely fair. As long as you don't sacrafice their happiness for your happiness. I would definitely take the time to heal in respect to knowing what is best for you AND your family (like making sure they aren't married first) and taking the time to develop a strong relationship with one man before introducing them to your family.

Hi - I'm a single mom as well. Age 36. I must say your counselor sounds crazy! Is she living in the old days? Is she very old fashioned??? Are you supposed to be a "hermit" for 10 years?? It's not our fault that something in our lives changed and therefore we are single Moms. We work hard and take great care of our kids. After all we are the MOM & DAD!
BUT.... we need our fun too!! I date often. What I do is meet them somewhere. I dont' bring them to my house and I don't introduce them to my daughter. She's only met 2 men that I have dated and only because we were in a relationship.
This is just my opinion.. but let me know what you think.

Single Mom -
Fremont.

If I had followed your counselor's advice I would not now be married to my best friend.He has been a wonderful husband, father and step-father for the past 8 yrs.
Just protect your children and do what you feel is right.
Go and live your life girl, it's the only one we have.

Hi R., sorry to hear about your breakup. I am currently in school studying to become marriage and family therapist. As a therapist, and mother I understand that your counselor may have your children's best interest in mind, which is good thing. However, I do not believe that your children will be harmed by your dating. As long as you are careful, i.e. waiting until you introduce someone to your children, not bringing someone into your home until you known them well, etc. Just let your children know that as much as you love them, you also enjoy adult companionship and that can be healthy. If you can put off dating for 10 years and be happy and fulfilled great, but if you are unhapppy, your children will sense this and that is not a good thing. Just take things slow, if you see your family life suffer, then take a break from dating until things get back on course. Hope this helps.

Hi,
I am (sorda) a single mom. I am not married but am in a serious relationship. My children have known the man I am with now their whole life. Their ages are 7, 5, 3 and I have a 1 yr old with my current boyfriend. I got involved in this relationship by accident, it was when I was vulnerable and seeking my friend for comfort and one thing led to another. I am currently at a stance where if my current boyfriend and I didn't work out I would not get involved in relationship until my kids were grown. It is my personal oponion, but relationships take away from your children who so desprately need you. But it is a catch 22. You just went through a bad breakup and it is pretty devastating that is why you are seeking counsel. So emotionally it is probably taking away from your parenting a little bit. I know this has happened to me and that is why I stand where I do now. But maybe you should seek advice somewhere else and see different opinions out there, then pray and do what you are led to do.

I do not think you are selfish at all! Why should you put your life on hold until your children are adults, that is not fair to you. I also am a single mom, have a 12 yr old son and a 13 yr old daughter. I'm sorry but I would find a different counselor. You don't have to bring your dates home, but it is very important to have a social life and be happy yourself, I'm sure your kids would like to see you happy, does not mean you have to share all your personal details with them. I am dating a man just over a yr now, I did not introduce him to my kids for 6 months. I also did not date for a couple yrs before I met him. He loves my kids and they love him, and they'll tell me they like to see me happy with him.
I think you should do what you feel is right for you, this is your life and your children don't control it, they adapt.

Oh my! When I read this I thought maybe it was me! lol

I'm a single mother of 2 girls. One is 14 and the other is 10. After nine years of being single (don't get me wrong I dated here and there) I thought I found the perfect man. Then after we moved in together I found out he was still married. Long story short, I had alot of drama with the wife and he ended up going back to her. Now I'm 7 months pregnant and single again!!

I'm so mad at myself for putting my trust into another man once again but we live and learn right?! At least the good thing that came out of it is my son that's soon to be here.

As for what your therapist said I think that was the worst advice she could have given you!

It has been 9 years since I've been seperated from the father of my children and I dated on and off. I would only go when my kids would visit their father and of course once they got old enough my oldest would just watch over lil sister. I only brought one person prior to the most recent around my kids. So if you are going to date I would only bring the one you plan on getting serious with. Your kids don't need to know that you're dating but they will need to know when you plan on getting serious.

I hope it all works out with you and that you find the perfect man for you!

S.

geez, well if thats the rule than im screwed! lol me and the father of my child broke up when she was only 6 months old and right now she is 9 months. so that means i have 20 years to go! im only kidding.. i dont believe you have to wait until your children are adults to date a man. keep in mind that was only your therapists OPINION. there are many people who would disagree with that. i DO however think you are wise to hold off on introducing men to your children for a while. i think you are on the right track! and besides, the therapist probably said that because she thinks you should be focusing on raising your children right now, and as long as you ARE doing that and as long as theyre still your #1 priority, than i think you are doing everything just fine. i mean, people NEED to have companionship.. its human nature. you shouldnt be expected to remain alone for the next 10 years.. thats just crazy :)

wait ten years? no. go thru your healing process, write down on paper all the qualities in a man you are looking for, and do not settle for less. and remember, good mothers are very desirable to the kind of man you want. maybe a single dad would be nice. watch out for those liars, what a pig. im so sorry that happened to you