Heartbroken & Needing Advice

Your child is going to be upset with this situation. When a man comes into your life, you need to make it as plain as you can that this is a friend, and not her father. The person is there for you and not for her. For you child's sake ,don't let your friend get to close to her. If she means the world to you, please remember this and protect her. Is there any way that you could keep your adult life seperate from her so that if this situation with you and a new friend ends, she is not hurt again. Imagine how she must feel if she is going to lose a father figuar over and over again. Let her know that in life you make friends and they do not always work out and that this is usually not anyones fault. That just as she is growing and changing people change and then change and friends may not be friends after you both do some changing. If she has had a time when she and a little friend have parted ways, try to use this as a stepping stone to her understanding. Please assure her that this is not her fault and that the end of this friendship is not on her little shoulders. Good luck, God bless and be careful. I am a teacher, mother of 2 and grandmother of 2 and I am giving you the same advice that helped me through a reough divorce and that I would give mey own child. Take it slowly and be careful of who you trust around your daughter. In the years that i have been divorced I never allowed a man to come close to my children. My kids were older than yours, but I was fairly young. I had to try to decide what I needed to do for them to keep them safe and whole. The advice about being active in Church is excellent. Just remember that Church is a piece of life and that everyone you meet there is not perfect of automatically safe. Pray and concentrate on your daughter and this will pass.

Hi K.! Sorry to hear about your broken heart, But I know someone who can HEAL your heart and be that Fatherly figure, and fill the void and meet your needs. His name is Jesus. Psalms 27:10 say's when Father and mother forsake you Jesus will take you up.I'm a single female who has been where you are now with the exception of not having children, but I've help to raise children and have plenty of spiritual children. I've been hurt a lot, but as I learn to trust God I'm being healed. I'm not saying it's easy all the time, and to be honest when I try to do things my self it gets worse. But I do know that Jesus love is not like man. And Jesus say,s suffer the little children to come unto me and for bid them not.Begin to tell her how much Jesus loves her and He is witth her always. Try Him according to Romans 10th chapter 9th and 10th, and let him bring wholeness to you and yours. I will be praying for you and hope this will help. God Bless. E. as Agapelovegrace.

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j

K., I am sorry to hear that. I am responding because I am leaving a ten year marriage after 6 years of dating where David took care of my twin boys as his own and we had a son. Kids bounce back and they are going through the heart ache of calling him Dad still today. I would hope he would want to still be a part of your daughter's life, but moving on is the healthiest thing. I will tell you after being with my soon to be ex for ten years, it is quite difficult to make memories and forget about that part of your life. You can take everything that was good and hold it dear. Your #1 priority is your daughter and you. She must understand and so must you what the changes will bring. This may sound funny, but taking a class for families seperating/divorcing may give you some insight on what to expect although you were only dating. You are now a 'broken' family and need to heal. Hope you keep lines of communication open and maybe some counseling for your daughter if she may discuss things with another until she is comfortable with the whole situation. Good luck.

A quote for you, "Just because Fate doesn’t deal you the right cards, it doesn’t mean you should give up. It just means you have to play the cards you get to their maximum potential."

I life by it everyday, Karen

kids can handle things better than we think...It is always hard when we lose some one close to our hearts..just tell her the truth that some times we lose people that we love... It was nothing that anyone has done ..why dont you ask her how she feels.. maybe ur x will help you sit down and talk to her about what is going on if it comes to that.. but only time and love can heal...

I feel very badly for you and your little one. This will heal, sounds as if your daughter has a wonderful "mom" and the two of you will mend these broken hearts by keeping positive and busy. It's summer afer all, a lot to do with your daughter that really can't be shared with a "guy"....that's what I'm thinking. I know the lesson you've learned about any serious relationship between you and a man and it will take a very committed man to have the honor of even meeting your daughter after this. If this man adores her, can this relationship between them continue? If not, cut all ties now and spare her the rocky relationship between you two. Realize now that whomever you allow in your home/life can and will be someone she would get attached to. If it happens again it could be you she resents, not your significant other. Hard life lessons build charactor, we all endure them, it's how we save ourselves or protect our young from repeat heartaches that build the foundation of good charactor in us all. Good luck K., show your daughter strength....remember to giggle with her, do those girly things with here that guys don't want any part of. Remember, kids are so very resilliant.

K., I am a single mother of 2 children now 10 and 11. My daughter was around 5 yrs old and my son was 6 yrs old when I divorced. Both of my kids went to counseling for about a year to help cope with their loss. I found that they count on me to be their security. The sooner I was able to move on the sooner they were able to move on. Now after 5 years of being I'm over my ex but still find myself lonely at times. I wish I could afford counseling. It would help my entire family.

you must stress to her, it is not her fault. They feel very guilty about things like this. Do not bring another man into her life for a very long time. When dating with a child, you should wait at least 6 months for them to meet the new person. It may be difficult, but you are not the only one dating that person. The child goes thru what you are, and they get more attached, as their emotions are closer to the surface. Most men show thier true colors in 6 months, and you want to be sure they are worthy of you and your beautiful daughter. A child is such a blessing and need to be treated with respect and honor, so they will return it to you. A man is just a man, a child is yours forever. Set the example. Best of luck to you, and it does get easier, especially with a child to be there for you always!

Hi. I am coming from a totally different perspective and I don't know if it will help - but here it goes. I was involved with a man who had children from a previous marriage. We were together for a year and a half and planned to marry. His youngest daughters were 2 and 3 when we got together. I loved them as they were my own (having two of my own now, I can honestly say that). It was so h*** o* them when we broke up that their mother called me to come see them. We talked about that Daddy and I weren't together anymore but that I would always love them and try to see them anytime I could. I recently attended their big sister's high school graduation and saw them again. Their Dad and I broke up more than four years ago, but I stay in contact with their big sister (she was 12 when we got together and is 18 now) and send birthday cards and Christmas cards. At four, she is old enough to have a heart to heart talk with you or him (if he's willing and will do a good job) about what happened and that it is not because of her or his love for her. My mother was a single mom and dated several men that I got close to before she married my step-dad (who I have always called Daddy - because he is more of a Dad than my biological father ever was). I never thought anything of it because they were just "friends" she went out with. I understand that doesn't work with a two and a half year relationship, but it could help with future dating. Anyway, hope some of this helps. Good luck and remember that as long as you put your daughter first - she'll be fine.

This is a problem that haunts many single parents, women and men alike. You never know what will happen in a relationship. Just as I suppose you thought you would be with the child's father forever. I think you should be open and honest with your daughter about what is happening. The best thing you can do is encourage her real father to take a more active role in her life. I do not know what your relationship is with him but for the sake of the child you should lay your differences with him aside and hope he will come around more and be the father he really is to her. You have to let her know she has a father who loves her. I know the boyfriend may have been a father figure; but you see what can happen. The little girl has two parents and you both need to work together to see that she knows she is loved by both. Other people cannot have the bond her actual parents do. She will be hurt for a while but she will see that her parents love her.In all the instances of divorce if the adults are not adults and willing to work together the child will suffer.

Don't have much advice to offer on the immediate situation (*sorry*), but I'm sure you've gotten a lot already! Does your daughter have grandparents or other (of your) family nearby? If so, I'd suggest (for long-term benefit) that you ask them to specifically include you and her in some 'traditional' family gatherings (picnics/cookouts, swimming, church/synagogue, going out to eat -- or eating at your or their house), etc. where she can simply experience and see how men are supposed to be present in the family so that she can have a healthy perspective on marriage, family, etc. If no relatives close, you can get involved in with other friends & families.

God bless!

P.S. I have a son-in-law (30) whose parents divorced early in his life, then his mom had several boyfriends in the hopes that one of them would be a good 'dad' to him. I read some of your responses, and wanted to reiterate that this is NOT good. Althought he loves his mom dearly, he still resents her for the fact that these guys all left him after he got close to them (because she couldn't put up with them any longer as a 'mate'). She did eventually find a good 'husband' for herself, and they're still married with 2 older teenage boys.

K.,
My response is going to be a little different from the others, but here goes. I feel that if he truly does adore her and she him as well then why does he have to be out her life. He can still be a strong male figure and role model in her life if willing. If he is not willing then he loses just as much as her.

Sit down and talk about this together but always remember to make sure that she feels loved by all in her life parent or not.

Hi K.,

I have had heartache before, but I can't imagine my child going through it. I'm sorry that you have had to endure this, but remember that God puts no more on you nor your daughter than you can handle. So, you need to be conscious that whatever your reactions are to this, is what your daughter's reaction will be. So, it's very important that you find your peace. The best way to do that is to get closer to your God. Get involved in church and church activities. Then, keep busy. Make a lot of mother - daughter time.
I also think that you need to explain to your daughter that when all is said and done, it's God, her and you. That's it. So, no matter who comes around for any length of time, she can and will always remember that.
I would be very hesitant to have anyone around for quite a while right now. Just allow you and her both to heal.
I wish you both many blessings!

I am not experienced in this matter but I will say that no matter what happens, you have made the right decision if he is not the one for you. I have had friends in this situation and it is not healthy for the kids to be involved in a relationship that is going to be long term. Your daughter may hurt temporarily but she will be ok. They say children barely remember anything before age 4 once they grow up anyway. Her future will be ok, I don't think it will affect her long term. You have to do what is best for mommy, you tell her that sometimes people don't get along and sometimes if they are not married, they need to spend time apart. My son was 4 1/2 when he asked about why his friend's parents did not live together. I explained that his parents used to love each other but then they did not. Sometimes people fall out of love and they have to do what is best for themselves and for the children. I explained that sometimes people can love each other but cannot get along and if they live apart, they get along better. He seemed to understand and has not asked questions again. You can explain to her that sometimes people do not need to live together to be friends or if you did not live with him, people do not need to see each other everyday to be friends. You will sit her down and explain it once and then try to keep her busy. If there was any time that was a routine that you think she will miss, try and create a new routine. Like if he took her for ice cream on Fridays, or if he put her to bed everynight, or if he took her to the park, etc. Create new routines that she will enjoy. Come up with exciting new things that she will love! She will be fine, you are doing the right thing. It is best that she is not seeing a situation where a couple does not get along, you want her to grow up strong and be able to know what a good man is. Good for you! You have her and that is all that matters now, you will be ok too. We always leave a relationship hurt but we always end up ok and move on. Just know that time will heal.

W.

Hi K., Hurting is hurting even if the situation was not good for you and your daughter. Ley your self grieve and enjoy the good memories you had with this man. Your daughters life will be shaped how you deal with life up's and down's. Show her Mom is sad but he was only a PART of your life not what makes you who you and your daughter are. Surround yourself with a support system of whoever builds you up whether friends, pets or family.I really want to stress a child and a man are fragments of your life, not your life. To enjoy your daughter and a potential mate spend time on mom for awhile. I have five grown children, four daughters and 10 grandkids. I am a nurse, single.

I'm going to respond to you in private. I'm sitting here all teary eyed just reading this.
J.