Hello Mama's Share Your Grown Woman Secrets!

I find if I keep my voice calm and low (not easy being Italian!) my hubby keeps his tone congenial as well.

Stop talking if it starts getting heated. If you don't argue, then he has no one to argue with. Same thing with kids.......

Talk while your naked.

I'm not saying I'm good at this, but one thing I know is that you should not expect them to try to understand your "feelings," and express to you that they have understood them. You will usually be disappointed.

Instead, focus on a compromise on the issue, without expecting them to "get" or agree with your point of view.

And don't talk so much.

Practice listening, and show respect. Arguments occur when we only want to change his opinion about something, or he wants to change ours. If there's a winner, there has to be a loser, and no one wants to be the loser. A disagreement needs compromise from both parties. It's not about who's right and who's wrong, it's about solving the problem.

Nothing is so challenging that I can't talk about it with my husband. My husband and I talk about everything. We both grew up in houses where people yelled and screamed. We both were married before to people that yelled and screamed and pushed buttons and couldn't deal with adult conversations. We learned from all of that... If either one of us is mad at the other, we say so and if we're not ready to talk about it, we give space until they're ready. Then we talk about it.

When it comes to personal past... Most can't handle those conversations very well. But my husband knows everything. And I know everything about him. It's the past. We leave it there. We're just happy that we have each other to share the future with.

I've never understood why grown (or supposed to be grown) adults can't just talk. You can have anger without screaming. You can let the other person have a few hours or days to think about why they're mad and if it's actually worth talking about.

For example... If I'm mad about something, I have to ask myself some things. Like... Am I being hormonal? Or... Is this worth being mad about? Is there something else really bothering me and this is just a little thing?

We don't have fear of one another. I think that's why people don't talk. Either fear or shame. I say if you want to have a good relationship, you have to be open and honest without holding anything against one another... ESPECIALLY AFTER you've resolved the issue at hand. That means not bringing up what made you mad that one time last year because it was bad... But you resolved it and it never happened again... That's why you don't bring it up again.

Now I'm starting to ramble, but maybe it all made a little sense.

My husband and I put a lot of effort into "disagreeing with style". We both use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example:

"I am uncomfortable with the way you discipline the kids."
Instead of:
"You are being too tough on them!"

etc.

We also use "emotion" words as much as possible, like "I'm frustrated", "I'm irritated" (one of our more common words), "I'm angry" or "I'm feeling left out/neglected/over looked..." etc...

Plus, I'll probably get crucified for this, but I always confront my hubby (if confrontation is unavoidble) in the bedroom. Then there's a visual reminder of the make-up sex that's waiting for us once we get it worked out. lol! That keeps us both more ready to compromise. ;P

All that being said, my hubby is the more emotional one when a diasgreement is looming, so it's up to me to steer the conversation in a constructive direction. I often have to say "okay, well now we know where we stand on this. So where can we go from here that will satisfy both of us?" We then sit together and brainstorm solutions. In fact, one of my favorite tag lines is from my all-time favorite series of books and goes like this: "Don't think of the problem, think of the solution." It means that you have to actively redirect your focus from laying blame and complaining about what's wrong, to useful and constructive solutions to the problem at hand.

HTH!

Hi Cherie,
Usually when my husband and I disagree on something we will each state our side of the situation, wait a while to think what the other person said and then we usually can come up with a solution or compromise. Sometimes just listening to the reasons the other offers we can resolve it right away.
Be careful how you present yourself. It is about respect. Be calm and straight forward. My husband is bipolar and unable to work. I've been laid-off for well over a year and we've been married 8 yrs. We have always been able to work out our differences without any fights whatsoever. Yes sometimes he does things that I get really angry about, that's when I take my time to think about what I am mad about and plan what I want to say so that he understands why I'm upset. Example: He always wants money in savings for a rainy day and I support that. Whenever we need to use money from savings, we usually have a joint decision. One day he decided to have his car looked over at a shop near us that charges to get an estimate instead of somewhere that doesn't charge that was a little farther from home. Found what the problem was and had it fixed right away at this same shop he took it to. Of course they charged more for the repair than somewhere else and he did all this without my knowledge.
All in all even when you talk to him calmly and rationally it will probably take him some time to get used to it and will likely want to argue at first. Stay calm no matter what. It may even take a few months, stick to it.
Sorry this has been a little lenghthy, I hope it helps.

My husband and I are both pretty laid back (and deeply in love/committed) so maybe it's not a fair suggestion for all relationships, but I just try to remember that he's a really loving person who wants the best for our family and for me and when I approach him with my frustrations when I keep that in mind it helps keeps things very easy-going. I assume we are both doing the best we can (this is not the case in all relationship!). As long as we are truly looking for solutions rather than assigning blame things progress. The other thing is I am getting much, much better at apologizing when I hurt his feelings or am in the wrong. It took me a lot of work to learn to say that I was sorry and that goes a long way too. Honestly though, it's maybe just my personality and husband's personality, you have to really work to have an argument with him :) (trust me I've tried)!

be sure he has a full stomach. don't criticize.

That is near impossible. :) However, just because one argues does not mean they have to be nasty, rude, and hurtful. A lawyer uses a well thought out argument to convince the jury, and though some shout and try to cheat, a good lawyer keeps their cool, has sound logic and evidence to back up their claim, and then allows the jury to make the decision.

One thing that helps me (I tend to be the pushy one) if I want to discuss something that will become an argument, and I want to "win" my spouses opinion/action rather then force/guilt it, is to write it out. Spend some time thinking through all the angles. Why it bothers you. What they could do to fix it. What your part in it is. What are you willing to change to make the relationship better. Ask yourself the tough questions, Am I being selfish about this? Is it this BIG of a deal? Can I move towards my spouses point of view more? Am I avoiding past baggage? Have I said it nicely? Can I build him up and affirm him about something? Is this respectful? (this can be a huge deal to him!!!) You get the idea. Then sleep on it if you can and return and scrutinize again.

Once you feel comfortable with WHAT you're going to say, then bring up the subject at a time without distractions. Ask first, is this a good time, and if not its okay, but lets schedule when we can discuss something important. Be sure you both are not hungry or tired. And try holding hands during the conversation. Then keep your cool and start the conversation.

This is a lot of stuff to do, but honestly if they can see that you're working hard to not be overbearing and to keep the focus friendly, it will make a big difference on breaking down defensiveness. And honestly I've often talked myself out of being so demanding and even bringing it up. :)

Best wishes!

Make sure to have the talk when both you and your spouse are calm. Take turns talking and listen actively (aka no interrupting). Actually approach the table with an open mind -- not with the plan of changing your spouse's.

Its all about knowing yourself, knowing your spouse, body language, respect, and the way you word things...

Respect each other enough to let the person TALK... No interupting. Like a court case... One side presents their side... then the other.

Agree that if EITHER party starts getting upset (voice pitch going up, sweating, etc.) that there will be a break... Like a boxing match. To your corners, recoup, calm down... then tap gloves in the center of the ring before starting again...

Keep your body language OPEN... No crossed arms, no pointing at them... Like having a baby, breathe and LISTEN.

Count to 5 BEFORE you speak... Breathe and keep your tone low and soothing... Like you would if your kid was driving you NUTS but your priest was sitting there... :-) But do not be condescending... Just soothing.

THINK about your reactions... I know my hubby comes up with some hairbrained ideas alot of times... My initial reaction is HELL NO!!! THat makes NO sense!!! BUT by breathing and waiting to speak I have the ability to run the internal check of WHY I am reacting that way, WHAT my response should be... Some times my response is " Honey... You should be thankful I can hold my tounge..." (That gives me a few more seconds to gather thoughts... lol) As an example, Yesterday... He wants to spend $50.- on a 50 year old rotary phone... The old heavy ones with a 3 foot cord... And get rid of ALL other phones/ answering machines etc... in the house. Not quite sure why... To me it makes no sense... I have 3 sisters, and a mom who live out of state and I am on the phone with at least one of them for an hour or more A DAY... Cordless phones make it so I am able to care for my 4 kids, the house, laundry etc AND find out how my sisters (she just had a baby 2 weeks ago) MIL who is in the hospital with a brain anyurism/ stroke at 47 is... Caller ID, etc make MY life (you know... The person home all day with 4 kids) easier... And I can leave the room if too noisy...So instead of arguing I am taking the 2 cordless sets with caller ID and putting them somewhere hubby doesn't know... And only leaving the corded phone we already have in the highest traffic area aka the kitchen... I figure it will take ONE or two nights before he realizes how much caller ID is needed. lol I am also going to have my sisters call a couple times at night so HE can answer the phone not knowing who it is... Many times I don't put up a fight and just let him try things... The longest it has taken for him to come around to my way of thinking is 1 month... :-)

Ask them WHY they think its a good/ bad idea... What the options THEY can think of are... etc as is appropriate to the situation...

HI Cherie,

Short and to the point, simple and soft tones. Everytime I deviate from that, there's an argument.

M.

Stay calm and really listen to his opinion on the matter...that way he will really listen to yours as well!

~My DH and I both have been known to save some of the bigger conversations for a more appropriate time and place....like the shower!

Explain to your husband how important it is to you that you are ABLE to talk to him about things. You are not trying to start a fight- just say how you feel and you WANT to know how he feels, too.

You should be able to do this and talk about ANYTHING with your spouse without him getting angry IMO. If he gets mad at you just for trying to TALK to him about something, what will he do if a REAL issue or problem comes up?? To me, that's just not acceptable behavior from someone who vowed to honor and love you.

If you really feel like he isn't getting it, or he still starts getting angry, tell him how much that upsets you and ask if he would be willing to talk with you with a counselor or your pastor or someone like that as a third party. NOT because there is anything 'wrong' with him- but because he needs to learn to express how he feels and what he is thinking without getting angry at YOU just for bringing something up.

A lot of times, a counselor or minister can just help you both figure out the best way to communicate. They are used to talking with families and couples going through all sorts of situations and can really help you and your husband learn HOW to talk to each other- and you won't need to worry about your husband losing his temper.

Good luck- remember, you don't deserve to have your husband be angry with you just for trying to talk to him about something!!

In the heat of the moment, use emotive words and not accusations.

If you need to have a real sit down discussion, sit together and hold hands while you talk. It's impossible to get mad that way. We also place an open bible by us and pray first.

I sleep on it for at least 2 nights. Then I whatever I was angry about has faded and I'm in a place to have a productive conversation. I think "don't go to bed mad" is a bunch of baloney; going to bed angry gives me time to cool off and has kept us from having majorly unproductive arguments for 8 years.

I never learned how myself. I would suppose it should depend on the complexity and challenge of the topics. My late hubby and I had horrible communication. Rarely ever on the same page. So when challenging issues came up I usually clammed up until I could figure out a way to broach the subject. Which isn't conducive to good communication or relationships.

You can have an appointment at a low-key restaurant, like Big Boy's, where you can have a serious discussion. You can make notes like a plusses and minuses chart to help clarify issues and decisions or a plan to get from here to there. You can affirm your spouse's feelings and needs even if your heart isn't totally in it.

we try not to use certain words...always, never..etc. We also revert back to "I feel" sentances. This lets the other recognize that we're struggling to hold back and feel strongly about the topic. If that doesn't work we take a break adn come back to it later.

If I have something to talk to my husband about that I know would start him arguing…I’ll bring it up right before we have sex. We’re both in a loving mood already so the way I present it makes a huge difference. Then all he cares about is getting right to the point, finding a solution and getting to what is really important. =-)