Resolving Differences with a Spouse... UPDATED SWH

Apologize and move forward. You or him... Even if you don't feel you are the one in the wrong, if you're ready to get things back on track. Apologizing for the disagreement isn't necessarily admitting fault. Grudges are not healthy, nor is resentment.
Chances are it was a dumb argument.

When I was in high school I was on the debate team. Bear with me, I'll get to the point.

I had a boyfriend who was also on the debate team. we got into a knock down drag out about how we were going to go to Homecoming. go solo or with friends. It was a big fight - high school, you know?

The coach intervened on the bus on the way home from a debate meet. he had us each take the other person's "side" and write out the "arguments". In doing so we had to "research" - or ask each other questions about why we felt the way we did and why it was important.

You get my drift.

I actually did this exercise with my husband once. Like full out pretend we're on the debate team. It actually was a worthwhile exercise, and one I recommend to my friends when they have issues they can't resolve because they are stuck on "their side" and are still angry at the other person. Even if the other person won't do it.... it's a valuable exercise for YOU to do. In asking calm questions about their perspective, they may be more open to hearing from you about your side.

I think also it depends on what the issue is.

One other note, I have found that when I am really mad I treat the person differently. stupid stuff.... like not saying hello when they enter a room, or refilling their drink the way I naturally would during dinner if I saw it was empty, not asking about their day, etc. You know, the stupid petty ways we behave when we are hurt. it took me a while to catch myself and change my behavior.

Loving someone is the way you treat them, not how you feel about them.

So, if you are treating them the same way you would if you hadn't had the disagreement will sometimes help you get back to how things were between you. It's hard to do when you're mad and they're mad, I know.

I'm also a talk it out kind of girl. So I need to say things out loud to get a good perspective for myself. You might try talking to someone.

My husband and I have similar personalities. We both avoid conflict, and very much dislike being upset or upsetting the other. We rarely argue and have never had a "full blown argument." We disagree, sure, but seek to find the truth of the matter over "being right."

I think, for myself, the first thing I consider is "could he be right? Is there something I'm not thinking of?" I try to shut down my emotional response and listen to what he is saying. My husband is a better listener than I, so he's usually already actively listening. :-)

I then restate what I think I hear. "So, I think you're saying (this, that, the-other). Is that what you mean?" And then I confirm. "Oh, so what you mean is....I like/appreciate/respect that." And restate or reframe my own statement. "What I was trying to say was..."

Usually we are on the same page, just communicating differently. It's a matter of reframing and coming to understand the heart of the matter in a loving and respectful way.

We come together in that we are both effective communicators who love one another and want the best for eachother. That's powerful. Often we embrace and thank eachother for being able to speak our minds and truths freely and kindly.

ETA: I also can't just let a disagreement be. I turn into a nervous wreck. The remnants of past codependency arise and I start in with catastrophic thinking. I feel like there will be terrible outcomes if we don't talk through whatever it is that we're hung up on and get past it. Silly, I know, but it sure does mean that we don't stay mad long!

ETA2: Nervy said, "giving each other the benefit of the doubt and not looking for an insult when one isn't intended." That's absolutely the truth!

I've noticed that many couples who have major arguments seem to have forgotten that their spouse is FOR them...and they are for their spouse too! We want what is best for eachother. I see spouses talking about one another as if they can't tie their own shoes without supervision...and it's no wonder, with that sort of attitude, that they fight. Love and respect are a must in any argument OR agreement, above all else.

If it really escalates, the thing I always try to do is sincerely reflect on the things I said and the things I did and say, "I'm sorry." There is always something I should have done or said differently. There is always something I can apologize for. If I approach him and say that I am sorry I said or did something and genuinely mean it, he definitely softens. That act alone will open the door to a real dialogue.

I always need to give him some space. But I know that if I can admit my own fault in the situation, he will be open to whatever my feelings might be.

It works both ways. If he approaches me and apologizes for something, I always soften and apologize as well. Sometimes this is when the listening really begins. We are both ready to really listen to what the other person needs us to hear.

I sometimes wish we were one of those couples that never lets their anger get the best of them. We don't hurt each other, physically, and we rarely say things we regret (name calling and other insults). But we do both have tempers, so we get more upset than we should. But I've never once worried about our relationship. So I'm grateful for that.

We're not perfect. Far from it. But we are who we are, and I love my husband for who he is.

Funny, but Christy L. and I are married to the same man!

No, really, but we do have very similar styles in resolving conflict. Over the 13 years we've been together, we have both learned to really stop, take a minute to try to think of what the other person might be perceiving, practice some reflective listening ("What I hear you say is that it's hard for you when X happens").... and I really try to be solution-oriented before I bring something up.

Here's an example: "Honey, when I'm making breakfast and you ask me to think of the grocery list, that's really hard for me. I'm not good at doing both; could we do it either the night before or after I've eaten?" Offering reasonable options instead of just saying "you can't ask me to do that right now" is helpful. Understanding that when there is conflict, someone is feeling their needs are not being met-- how can we solve that?

I think it's the mutual respect and love we have worked so hard to establish-- this is what carries us through. We made a commitment, we both trust the other is reasonable and approachable, and that we are human and make mistakes without intending to hurt the other. Maybe that's one of the key cornerstones is-- giving each other the benefit of the doubt and not looking for an insult when one isn't intended.

When hubby and I find ourselves in disagreement, we both usually state our position and then go to our separate corners, so to speak, and come back together to talk after we've had time to calm down and consider the other's opinion/position. We have NEVER said anything to each other that we regret because we just don't let it escalate that far.

we're lucky in that we rarely argue. but it does happen. neither of us can bear the tension that unresolved issues bring to our home, so after a stalking-around-each-other period one of us will ALWAYS say 'okay, this isn't working. how can we fix it?'
and then we do.
it's really hard when your communications styles are very different. i think that's one of the best possible uses for couples counseling. there's a lot of positive in your situation, and i love that you appreciate this. i'm betting that if you can each develop a few more tools in your 'how do i get my point across?' kits, you can figure out better and more healthy ways to resolve conflicts.
good luck!
khairete
S.

After a full blown argument I usually blow up and yell or say something snarky (not my finest attribute) and then eventually one of us will apologize to the other for what we did wrong. If we feel we didn't do anything wrong then we calmly state our case and realize that yes, maybe we did after all! ;0)

In the end though, and honestly this is the thing that sometimes is hard, is that no matter what, you both have to move past it somehow, some way because if you don't…then what? You get a divorce? If that's not what you're going for you have to figure out how to make it work. Sometimes it's easier than others and sometimes getting over it lasts longer, but my ultimate goal is to always make it better and move on.

Conflict is a normal part of life. We all have it. It's just a matter of how you go about resolving the issue. We all can be irrational and overreactive. Allow time. Try and step back from the situation to figure out what it was you were really fighting about. Were you tired? Hungry? In a bad mood after taking care of the kids all day? There are usually OTHER issues that contribute to the blow out. My suggestion is, come from a place of compassion and understanding. You don't have to agree with everything your spouse says, but you'll get a lot further if you listen, validate and move forward. Forgiveness is as much for you as it is for your relationship.

My husband and I do have full blown arguments. I have a temper and he shuts down which can get me even madder. So with experience, I have learned to tell him that his stone face is part of what is making me angrier. I am the one to typically go to him after we've just huffed away and try to resolve the argument. Or if he was grossly wrong, he will come to me. By now we can kind of if ID who was more at fault and that person will step up and say sorry. There is a good book "nonviolent communication" that is helpful. It has nothing to do with actual violence but as someone said, teaches you to reframe statements and show the person you are listening. That has helped me kind of become the arbitrator in our own argument. I also make a point to highlight any positives or thank him for any statements he makes that are positive. One my initial temper tantrum is over too, I make sure to not raise my voice again and keep saying "let's calmly discuss". It takes practice but has helped a lot. Sometimes it's a matter too of going back and saying "let's agree to disagree, ok?" So depends on the argument to a degree but it just takes one of you to go and offer to calmly discuss and then stick to that calm. Leave the room if it starts to escalate again and then go back again later. Sometimes I write it out in an email...

We try not to let things get to the point of a full blown argument and talk things out when we are not upset. Sometimes that means saying - I can't talk about this right now.

Then we each try hard to see the others point if view. For me, that often means stepping back and seriously considering if I'm being overly sensitive or defensive. For DH, it means considering that he's being overly protective. Because we each know our own and each other's strengths and weaknesses, it makes it easier to talk things out.

I think it falls back to how much you respect that spouse as a person with a brain. If you think he's smart and his opinion is worth anything then you're going to be able to see things from his point of view and vice versa. He should respect you too.

If this is a serious issue like discipline or how to spend each other's money it can be serious enough that a 3rd party might be needed to help the couple come to a resolution, to help them set goals, and to help them make boundaries the other won't cross.

I know my sister refuses to help her husband if he runs out of money during the month. Now he's an electrical engineer and makes a good living but he pays a majority of the bills. She has her own business and makes a nice income for herself. She is slowing down and not doing as much as she used to. She also gets social security. She has a couple of bills she pays each month that is appropriate for her income.

She is a Jehovah's Witness and her husband is a devout Southern Baptist. She doesn't donate money to her church in either offerings or tithes or any sort of building fund or anything. He's always making donations plus pays a full tithing.

She says if he chooses to give his money away then runs down it's his own choice and she shouldn't have to do without because he wanted to help build an addition on to the church building.

They had a lot of discord over money for a long time. Once they finally agreed about him having a budget for his own spending money that he could use how he wanted my sister let up on him and stopped picking fights about every little thing she bought for the house. She could forget about what he was doing with it. This budget gave him his own money. It was his and he didn't have to be accountable for it in anyway. He wasn't supposed to spend it on anything for himself or the house or the vehicles. It was spending money.

Finding common ground is a good way to start building a firm foundation for your marriage.

Depends on how big of a deal it is to us. We usually can find a compromise so it gets resolved quickly. If it gets heated, and we keep repeating the same things over and over again trying to make our point, one of us (usually me) will try to say, "lets agree to disagree for now" and end it. He usually apologizes first because he hates going to bed mad at each other. I think you really need to get your issues out and resolved or there becomes too much resentment and once that happens, its VERY hard to get past that. I have an ex husband because of that which is why we try to resolve our issues quickly.

I see you have a lot of input already. Here's my 2cents. I've been married to my DH for 18 years and exclusive with him for 22. We rarely argue because the divisions of labor and getting to know each other chapters are past us. However, when we do disargree, what is important to him is that I listen to him without interruption while he makes, what can at times be, a lengthy point. What is important to me is that he validate what I've just said. He can disagree with me all he wants but I need to empirically know that I've been heard. We take it from there and things tend to work themselves out once the conversation is over.

We don't call names, we don't bring up history, and we don't ever use the D word because it's too threatening and hurtful. I'm the yeller and the cusser so not doing that can take some effort on my part.

more like 5 cents. Hoping this finds you well and you glean something useful for it. :-) S.

There are certain things on which my husband & I will never agree.
Luckily these are just about all small things that are little more than occasional annoyances.
I think we both just agree to disagree and move forward with our lives.
We don't keep score.
Both of us "win" sometimes.
Mostly, we just let it go because our lives and live for each other is bigger than the issue.
Good luck!

I honestly can't remember the last time we had a full blown argument. We went through a lot of counseling (for other issues) and we really learned how to communicate with each other.

There are times when I can say very hurtful things, not even realizing it, so I have worked to choose my words carefully. My husband has learned to also choose his words carefully to avoid the same thing. This helps us to really get to the issue quickly and resolve it or realize we need outside help.

We also break it down to what I call the kindergarten level, to make sure we fully understand what the other person is saying. Sometimes I will say "I heard XXX from what you said, is that correct?" and he will either say yes or reword what he said. He does the same to me. Making sure we clearly understand the other person's point of view, realizing all feelings are valid, and working to dissolve them before they get to blown up are key points to keeping our arguments at bay. It also has helped us just in general conversations with each other, coworkers, kids, etc.

And if all else fails, we just don't talk about it when we are heated. Sometimes a break for each of us to clear our minds and thoughts is extremely beneficial to the sanity of our household.

I am usually the first to apologize. I am usually the first to freak out, so it all evens out. Many times fights are "resolved" because something make us laugh and cuts the tension.

One big difference is that fights never last very long. When you said "a standoff for a few days" that struck me as very difficult to live with. Our arguments are usually measured in minutes, rarely hours, and never days.

Have you heard that old saying, "Don't let the sun set on your anger"?

Just saw your SWH, L..

What would happen if you just shut down yourself and pulled away before he does? And go ahead and do what you want anyway? It certainly might surprise him... you like to talk about it and he doesn't want to, and instead, change the dynamic and don't fight with him, but don't give in either. It's according to what the argument is about. If you won't fight with him, things should be different.

He is punishing you for fighting when he wants quiet. So give him quiet in the first place. Though I don't know what you're fighting about, I would stop going to him and asking or telling him what you are going to do.

I know this is different advice from everyone else, but I don't think you'll be able to continue the way you are. You hold NONE of the power in your relationship by always having to go to him and say you're sorry when you don't have anything to apologize for. If you refuse to fight with him, YOU hold the power. And it will make you feel better because you don't have to go to him "hat in hand" anymore.

It's just something to think about...

Me and my spouse has this issue as well. Are y'all newlyweds or been married for awhile? I've found taking a min to breathe and calm down and then try to talk it out helps but sometimes it doesn't and in that case we learned from counseling to write each other these letters where we discuss what our own problem is and how the fight makes us feel and what we wish the outcome would be from this fight. That has seemed to work for us. Pm me if you need more suggestions. Hope y'all can resolve these issues. :) every couple goes through it. Its hard sometimes to understand the opposite sex. Good luck.

Someone who is walking away is needs to break off from the situation and come back later why in the world would you continue to talk at him. This is actually a great and smart strategy for someone who is prone to anger or a bad communicator. STOP continuing to talk at him after he does this. Let him disengage and come back later to discuss.

I think you look more at how you can facilitate better communication with your husband. Self reflection is a good thing. You can change your behavior and in turn his behavior may also improve.

Sex! Haha. That always helps. If it's really a heated argument, usually we let ourselves have a break then return more civil and discuss, etc. but yeah, usually with sex.

well, if we are having a conflict (i can't call it a fighting because we don't seem to know how to fight), then i state my opinion. he usually lets it sink in. then after a while, the conversation opens again and we either agree, or disagree, or agree to disagree. truth be told, i am always right, but i may not be great at communicating my opinion. i am also very direct, which he usually takes it as an insult, or as he calls it' you are talking down at me.' that is not my intent, but i can't sugarcoat an opinion.
anyways, if we end up with hurt feelings, or unresolved issues, i drop the issue, as in i don't talk at all about anything, and after a few days he will with text, call, or tell me to my face that he misses me.