Husband Is Out of Town an We Still Aren't Getting Along - NEED Your Help Please!

I must agree w/ Bug and Marty ... this sounds like the little petty nit-picky stuff that, if dissected and ruminated on too much, can really break a relationship down. This gets so tiresome. We're all guilty of it every now and then, but if this goes on day in and day out between the two of you, you may want to see a counselor about adopting some better communication skills.

omg, id just scream if i kept having to have the same damn argument....but maybe with his responses saying hes "tired of trying to tell you how to act" is about somethign completely not AC related...i dont pretend to know what, i just think men tend to do that kind of stuff....and if hes afraid to mention whats really going on then picking fights about little stuff is the way to go....

I'd tell him less if I were you. When he asked to turn the AC off I would have just said "ok dear" and moved on to the next topic.
Not sure if that's the right answer, but I've found that people who act like that are best managed by being given as little information as possible.

You asked for advice, so I will give you my .02cents worth :)

For what it's worth, I have read your other posts concerning you and your husband's issues...so here it goes:

To me, you seem to be a tad bit difficult to communicate with and what (maybe) is happening is that your husband is having the same problem? I mean he says it to you in the first line of his IM...'Your not gonna be difficult with me'? This to me, is a blazing red flag but not in your favor, in his b/c he sounds like he really is having a hard time and to him you are being difficult. I only say that after reading all your other posts and by how you perceive your conversations going back and forth...and how you explain them to us.

My advice is along the same lines as one of the other posters have said, maybe try saying less, not more. I know you wish to solve your communication issues but less really might work in your favor?

I also agree that IM'ing or texting is NOT the way or the place to try to have an adult conversation and unlike some of the other ladies on here, after reading your IM exchange I did NOT see a controlling husband, I saw a husband who is FED UP with having to deal with trying to 'explain' every little thought to his wife. I mean (and I am sorry when I say this) but how hard is 'turn OFF the AC' to understand? And then wanting to communicate how you just didn't get it over and over was exhausting just reading it, let alone being on the other end of it...ya know what I mean?

I really am trying to help. I am sorry you and your husband are not "seeing eye to eye" as you like to say and hopefully you guys can get on the same page soon. From the outside looking in, it sounds to me like your husband is getting fed up with you and all your 'reasons' for wanting/needing to do things your way....again, sorry that sounds harsh, I am just giving you my opinion from reading all your posts about this.

Please don't hate me. If you do not like what I have to say you are free to disregard all that I have said.

But if I were you, and I loved my husband and wanted our marriage to work, I would take a deep breath, a big step backwards and start looking within and how what I am saying/doing is not helping and what I can/should be doing differently to start bridging the gap between us.

~You were 100% wrong BTW when you were telling him in the IM/text for him to try to make sure what he says makes sense? Right after he says 'No Promises' you go on about him needing to make sure what he asks of you to make sense? He made 100% sense when he asked you to turn OFF the AC...you were the one in the wrong when you didn't understand that you had to push the lever/switch on the unit on the wall. Then by you going on and on about it was wrong, you should have just said right away (while on the phone & then he could have told you to go to the wall unit) that you didn't get what he was saying and then admitted you were wrong and that you finally figured it out. And then instead of bringing it up the way you did in the IM/Text you should have led with the fact that you were in the wrong. Not to mention that in the line where you are trying to tell him that 'typing might not be the best medium' you sound all sorts of controlling and trying to be 'right' when you are trying to place blame on him again for making 'statements that could be misconstrued' by you? All that is instigation and trying to pick a fight, IMHO.

Please again, take what you like and ditch the rest. Just trying to give an outsiders unbiased opinion on what you have given us!

((Hugs))

Added after your last ETA - J., the thing is, you shouldn't try to bend over backwards. Bending over backwards ends up with you getting screwed. You can't fix your issues with this kind of communication. He is unwilling or unable to talk to you in a way that CAN fix your issues. You two need a counselor to help you both.

Original:
J., NO MORE TEXTING with him. This entire conversation sounds like he is your father, rather than your husband. You need to stop asking him how to talk to him the way he wants you to talk to him. You are enabling him to treat you like a second class citizen.

He can't continue to tell you how wrong you are if you get off the phone with him. You don't need to continue abusive conversations like this. People who love each other don't talk like this to each other. Leave the room. Leave the house. Be busy. Don't make eye contact. Put ear plugs in your ears.

You two are supposed to be equal partners in a marriage. He hasn't been acting like it, and I'm sorry, but you are letting him talk like this. We all feel bad for you because he is emotionally abusing you, but you have to take some responsibility and stop continuing the conversation with him.

I really hope that you will call a women's shelter and ask to talk to a counselor. You need to get some counseling. I can't remember if you have asked him to go to marriage counseling or if he has said no, but if he won't go, you should go yourself.

I have to admit that I would stop talking to my husband if he treated me like this.

Dawn

I'm so sorry to rummage through your questions, but I had to in order to answer your question. I know it's public, but I always feel like a snoop when I do that. Anyways...

I don't mean to speak ill of your husband, but he has some serious issues going on...one of them being control. That's what this whole air conditioner thing is about; control. Now I can see why you dragged out the way you did. It seems like he doesn't feel like he owes you an explanation for squat, no matter what it is.

Maybe you should check out the link on narcissism another poster put up.

First, I don't agree with you posting this here. These types of conversations have a reasonable expectation of privacy. I would NOT appreciate my husband doing that.

Second, I think one or both of you just want to be right. In the least, you don't want to be wrong. This whole exchange was incredibly childish. This is the type of thing you just move on from. (By "you," I mean both of you.) There doesn't need to be long, drawn out discussions over what someone meant, by turning something off. It's nitpicking, naggy, petty, and really just leads to an argument that didn't need to happen. I think you BOTH need to learn to pick your battles, and to agree to disagree. There doesn't always have to be an explanation, a right, or a wrong.

Just move on from this. I think you both want to be right and you are both so right you are both wrong.

When my hubby starts talking to me like I"m an employee, I remind him that I don't work for him and if I did, he couldn't afford me. That will generally get his attention! Next time, just say yes its off. Then run and turn it off. No big deal.

Two rights can make a very big wrong!

I went back and read your other postings about your husband, and I have a question for you. I am not being snarky or facetious - I really want to know the answer.

Why are you still with this guy? Why did you make another baby with him? What about him makes you think that you want to spend the rest of your life with him and no one else?

I would never allow my husband to talk to me the way your husband talks to you. I'm not just referring to the conversation above, but also past instances where he has told you to shut up, thrown things, and screamed at your daughter. Excuse me? I'm not your servant, I'm your partner, and those are your babies.

If you aren't in counseling, get there. Like, yesterday. And if he won't go with you, go by yourself. You need to learn how to demand respect, and he needs to learn how to respect you, or this relationship is never going to improve. Good luck.

I would have not responded to his first message--or should I say "command":
"So you are not going to be difficult with me"
Seriously? Is he your parent or your husband.

I'm a chick (we supposedly over-analyze everything, right?) and I couldn't have gotten through this convo as you OR as him.

I suggest that both of you read Non-violent Communication. It's a book that teaches how to word things so that each is able to hear. It's about compassion, recognizing that both people want to be heard and understood.

Here is their web site. http://www.cnvc.org/Training/NVC-Concepts

I suggest that if you had the above conversation using I statements it may have gone better. You: I feel-------(misunderstood?). I misunderstood what you were saying. I'm trying to listen and do as you say but I feel..........(that you sabotage my efforts.) When he becomes defensive of that statement, don't try to defend it. The goal is to tell him how you feel.

And then stop when he starts in unless he responds with I statements. You've had your say. It's his choice to accept it or not. The goal is to better understand what happened so that you won't have to repeat the pattern. When you go back and forth you're not reaching an understanding.

However, the pattern has been going on for some time and it will take some time to change it. I suggest that even if he doesn't want to learn better ways to communicate, you'll feel better about yourself if you don't continue to respond to his comments. You take control of your half of the conversation while not reacting to his half.

I do suggest that you're being defensive. Why even bring up the conversation again? You figured out what he meant. Let it go.

And, work on not taking his manner of speaking personally. In your mind, know that you're a smart person and do not have to defend your actions. You don't even need to figure out what he meant by "turn off the air conditioner." You know it's off. You know it doesn't really matter what he means because you make good decisions. Let his words go in one ear and out the other. In other words don't bite when it feels like he's baiting you. That is how it sounds to me. He wanted a reason to fight. And you went along with it by defending yourself.

Ugh, I'm sorry. Here's what I have learned.....finally.
Let it go.
Don't worry too much.
and
My husband speaks in 3-5 word incomplete sentences so he's hard to
understand.

Also, when speaking to men.....speak your mind/state your peace in no
more than 5 word sentences. For example, "Can you please get milk?".
All the extra words we throw in are flowery to them and they just don't h
hear them.

I like what Abbie H. said!!!!

Don't worry, let it go, move on, don't beat a dead horse by going on and on. Just say "okay dear".

Best wishes honey & I will take my own advice w/hubby tonight!
My hubby is a man of few words.
He says very few words and listens to even fewer!!!!! ;)

J., Your husband doesn't sound very kind or loving, I'm sorry to say. He sounds annoyed with you. What I don't understand is why both of you let this exchange go on as long as you did. And over such a small issue, the AC being turned on or off? What you did wrong is that you continued the conversation after he threatened his next question would be the "litmus test" What right does have to talk to you like that? I would be saying "we'll talk later" at that. Because I would need to cool down from his being so condescending and hope that he would start out nicer after a little cooling down time. By going on and on it feels you're trying so hard, and he's clearly not respecting you for that. Why try so hard when a person belittles you in return? Maybe he is in a really bad mood, and IM is a terrible way to have a less than light and friendly exchange. If he's always like this with you, I would be seriously evaluating the marriage. He too should have said, "we'll talk later, OK" Obviously the real issue isn't the AC. So I sure hope he comes around and is much nicer to you in person. Sometimes it's not such a bad idea to sign off of IM when things are heated. I hope it gets better, sorry, it sounds stressful.

J.-please tell yourself that you are not going to let this happen again. Please don't let anyone manipulate you to this extent-it was utterly painful to read this cruel exchange. I stumbled upon this:

http://forum2.aimoo.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/m...

Although at this point I think you should let this go because you are going to keep going in circles, I will comment because I can use it as a good example. In this particular situation, it would seem you were being difficult. He apparently requested or indicated that the air conditioner be turned off if the window was open. He did not say "is the AC running?" or "did you turn the thermostat down?", he asked about the "AC being turned off". A good response would have been "I haven't shut it off but it is not running right now." Then you could have either adjusted the thermostat or turned it off as necessary (he wasn't home to make you do either) and no further argument or discussion was neccessary.

As for your communication in general, it would seem that you don't hear what each other is saying. You may hear each other talking/reading what is written but you are assuming what is meant is something different than what is said. It happens all the time in my home...one of the kids or I say one thing, my hubby thinks we mean something completely different even when we say EXACTLY what we meant. One the flip side, my hubby says one thing and assumes that we know he means something else or something more. Drives me crazy.

If you have any doubt as to what is meant, you should not debate with him but rather ASK him what he means. Say something like "Before I answer, I want to be sure what you are asking. Do you mean xxx?" As your IM showed, it would seem that you bicker back and forth without gaining any ground (not having the conversation you are trying to have because you are harping on some misunderstanding). Did you have to continue debating the AC later in IM after the conversation was long over?

Good luck to you.

The A/C is irrelevant, and you know this.

Since I only have your previous posts to go on, I will say that your D (I will not include the "D", because he doesn't sound very dear, honestly) sounds like a very controlling, condescending, unhappy, imbalanced, angry, horrible person.

I guess I'm wondering WHY, after at least a year and a half of posting about horrible is, you're still with him? And why you'd choose to stay helpless & even more reliant on him because you're having another one of his children.

Can you even have a talk with him, to address his attitude? I'm guessing you can't, because he will blow up & try to make you feel crazy, which means that he won't acknowledge the issues. And, if he doesn't acknowledge the issues, then there is no healing or fixing to be had. Which means that you need to figure out if you're willing to let yourself & your kids live in that type of environment indefinitely. Don't you think your kids deserve better? I just don't get why you'd bring another kid into this situation, I really don't.

Personally, I'd be demanding a change, or I'd be getting a job and looking into divorce, to prepare myself to be self sufficient. No way in hell is someone going to treat me or talk to me like that, and the stuff with your DD, well, that's just inexcusable. If you don't do the right thing for your kids, then who else will? He is abusive, even if he isn't hitting you, and I wouldn't be surprised if he took it to that level, honestly, given his volatile history.

I am not sure what you are looking for on this board, because we can't fix your problems, as evidenced by your 1 plus year posting about the same issues. You have to decide what type of life you want & make it happen.

Ugh.
Okay, I didn't read your previous posts so I don't know what's REALLY going on with you two but the AC/furnace is clearly not the issue.
So technically he was right, it was still "on" which means that as soon as the temperature rises to a certain number the unit will kick in and all that cold air will go flying out the window. This would drive me crazy, and my husband even more so. Our electricity bill is through the roof as it is, why add to it?
I don't engage my own kids in text arguments, let alone my husband, so I really just don't get this. If you two really can NOT talk to each other you NEED counseling. I just don't see any other option. This kind of thing would drive me crazy, and I can tell you it would drive my husband crazy too :(

well, texting and typing are difficult media to interpret. but going strictly from what's here, he appears to be a prickly fellow. i'm not sure where you can go when all of your explanations and attempts to clarify are met with 'stop explaining.'
i don't know how to work through things without conversation.
i'm sorry, hon.
:( khairete
S.

I agree with Bug quite a bit. Won't he feel betrayed somewhat if/when he finds out you posted your back and forth on a web site? Wouldn't you? I would.

As for the actual IM session... I think your first mistake was trying to have a "conversation" via IM. Everyone knows that texting/mssging causes all sorts of misunderstandings and miscommunications and hurt feelings because there is no body language, and no intonations with the voice. Aside from that, people tend to be more direct and concise, rather than "conversational".
Look at your "conversation" as you posted here. His comments do not exceed 2 typed lines of text. And the majority of them are less than one line. Yours, on the other hand, are lengthy in most cases. That is generally the way men/women converse, true. But it also can indicate that he is not hearing what you are saying, and finds it tedious.
I am not a fan of the idea of a "litmus test" that he mentions. Who gives tests to their spouse? No healthy happy relationships I know of... but again, maybe that was just a reduction in verbage and not really what was meant. You see, when you text/type--- you lose actual discussion.

It does kinda sound like the whole conversation was beating a dead horse, though. Very tedious over the a/c issue. Then it sounds like you morphed into wanting to discuss how you argue. Any kind of "working on your relationship" conversations, should be in person... not via IM.

ETA: Went back and read one of your previous posts... the one about him throwing the toys in the garbage. Then I re-read part of THIS post. What exactly transpired in the "well for some reason he did not like that answer." ? Did he fly off the handle or get angry or what? What does that mean... It sounds like you are alluding to something, but you don't say what.

And put together with the previous post I read, it sounds like he is a control freak with serious issues. I'm glad he never came home to my house... my kids would have no toys left at all. I also sort of got the impression that you do a lot of walking on eggshells.. your daughter included.
Have you tried or suggested any counseling?

So what are you REALLY mad at him about? It certainly isn't the air conditioner. I don't know a man on the planet who isn't up tight about turning off anything electrical to save money. I don't think he's upset about anything other than wasting electricity unnecessarily. He's being a man.

When people bicker over trivial stuff but one harbors anger or over analyzes things that were said, there is usually something else going on in the mind of the person who feels offended. I think that's what needs to be tackled.

he seems a little hard to get through to, maybe when hes in a good mood try to talk to him...

looks like you read too much into the questions. If he was mad because you didnt turn something OFF OFF, then thats his issue. I think you explained to to death, and then battered him as well. If all your arguments went this way. It may be why your not getting along. Granted he sounds ambiguous at best when telling you to do something. However, I think more is going on in your relationship than this, so its been building. Sounds like he wants to be in control and so do you too, so somewhere along the line there needs to be compromise, and clarity. Harder to do than to say. Sounds like most of my conversations with my husband when we are arguing about something trival like who turns off the bathroom light or not.

i will just say (feeling like i am not seeing the whole picture at all) that "turning the a/c off" has different meanings for me and hubby as well. "turning it off" can also mean turning the thermostat up so that it will not kick on. we've had the same discussion in our house....