Divorce and Elementary Aged Children

Mine were 10 & 13 when we got divorced. We sat them down together & told them that sometimes people do not love each other any more and can not get along so one must move out. We stress that it was nothing they did just that we felt that it was best for them that we split up. They still stayed in the same school and same house. My ex was the one who moved out.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and my sis was 8. It was a surprise. If you are on good terms, look into family counseling FIRST, and see if they can assist you with the actual transition.

Be honest with your kids. They don't need the gory details, but they need the basics. Do what you can to keep their lives as normal as possible. If they can stay in the same school, DO THAT. This issue was the suckiest for me. My parents divorced and we had to move to live at grandmoms. That was nice, but the moving/school switching SUCKED. Minimize that kind of thing as much as possible.

If you are able to stay polite with each other, and share custody, do that. Dad lived about 20 minutes away in his own apartment, and we stayed there every weekend. Dad was at all holidays/birthdays, etc.

You don't have to be a couple, but you do have to be co-parents.

Please feel free to IM me if you like. I wish you all the best during this transition.

Read this book before you tell them:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Truth-About-Children-Divorce/dp...

It's enormously helpful and gives you good scripts to use with different ages. Your concerns about their shock are valid. The book explains how in families where the parents have done a good job of being warm and civilized and keeping up the happy family front, the kids can be in shock and feel much worse after the divorce. Conversely in families where the veneer has cracked and the kids know that there is something going on, the decision to divorce can bring about relief and improved well being.

The author poses that the sweet spot is to let the kids know early on in the process that mom and dad are having some trouble agreeing on things and getting along and that they are trying to work things out and make things better. Then if things do get better, great! And if they don't get better and divorce proceedings begin, then the kids aren't blindsided.

It sounds like you are past that point of early disclosure but there is still lots of good advice in the book about what to say to the kids, what to not say to the kids, how to handle your emotions, what you make public and when, how to establish appropriate boundaries with your soon to be ex, etc.

I'm not through the book yet myself (and we're not quite at a decision point yet, still lots of back and forth) but I have found it to be tremendously enlightening and informative.

I am really sorry that your family is going through this! My general advise is: you and your husband tell them together (you were probably already planning on this anyways), be prepared that the kid you think will have the most initial shock might not be (that's what happened to me), don't do it at bedtime, having a 3rd party for the kids to talk to afterwards (doesn't necessarily have to be a therapist - just a safe non-judgmental person) is helpful, too. Also, you may want to tell each kid separately? I have mixed feelings about this, but you know your kids better than anyone. I was just thinking that there is a big emotional age difference between 6 and 9, you may choose different wording with one vs the other.

Best of luck!

IMO, one of the best things my mom did was have counseling for us in the immediate aftermath of our parents' divorce. Listen to your children. Answer them honestly, but without blame. Mostly I wanted to know what would change. Who I would live with. What would affect me. The counselor helped channel fear and frustration.

You and your husband should tell them together. They need to see that you can continue to be united as parents, even if not as husband and wife. Make sure they know it has nothing to do with them and that you both will always love them.

Counseling certainly won't hurt them, so it might be a good idea to research some available therapists in your area and see who you might be able to get an appointment with on short notice. I wouldn't schedule it in advance, as the kids may bounce back faster than you think.

When they return to school in the fall, you should notify their teachers right away so they can be on the lookout for any possible behavioral problems. The teachers will have dealt with this many times before and will know what to watch out for.

Remember that it's important that you never badmouth your husband and make sure he never badmouths you. Like it or not, you're going to have to deal with each other all the time, so keeping things civil is critical.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope you all come out stronger when it's all over.

I don't have any advice on how to tell them but plesse have a therapist lined up for family and individual counseling.

I absolutely would have counseling lined up. Of course.

The two of you tell them together.

Because your kids have no idea, this will be a big shock to them. Be prepared to have an explanation that speaks to their level. The book that JB suggests sounds wonderful.

PS - I just went back and read your first post. I am so sorry it went down like that. I can't help but be completely ticked off at your husband. He should never have done what he did. You don't do that in a marriage. If you're unhappy or disconnected, you work on it WITH YOUR WIFE. Smh. Sorry you're going through this. He has been, and apparently still is being, incredibly selfish.

I'm sorry it has come to this, it will be a challenging adjustment for all of you. I would give the same advice as many, set up counselling ahead of time, watch for delayed reaction(my son reacted three years later).

Take the high road even when it's difficult to do so, always keep the children's best interest at the forefront. If you need to vent about your ex and his behaviour do it away from the kids. Both of their parents need to be valued by each other, it helps them feel valued themselves.