Separating and I Am Terrified

How about marriage counseling? Honestly, I know how you feel but this is the height of selfishness. Ripping up your children's family for no reason other than you aren't feeling fulfilled? I do know how you feel. My husband and I just came through a terrible time - I actually hated the man for about a year and really disliked him for about 2 years before that. I simply couldn't ruin my boys' life because of it. We went to counseling, we both made some changes, and we are much happier now. I would think again before doing this to your kids.

http://www.familylife.com/events/featured-events/weekend-...

I've been listening to Christian radio, and there are events for couples like Weekend to Remember where you can focus on your marriage for tips for reconnecting.

I've never attended things like this. I'd like to. They have other resources. Lots of couples struggle. I don't think your situation is unique. You aren't alone. Don't give up so fast. I don't think this is hopeless.

Suck it up and stay? Yes and no. I don't think you should accept things as they are. That isn't a marriage! But how about work on it and stay? See how things can change. But you definitely need some direction.

I honestly think if you have unresolved (unconscious) issues in your marriage at play now (whatever led you guys to drift apart and stay that way) it will replay itself in a new relationship. And what's the point in that?

Give your girls 2 households?
What if he remarries and the new wife is a nightmare?
Or she just does things her way, and you have to accept the new rules?
Or her kids treat yours like dirt?
and on and on... stuff like this happens ALL the time.

So I think there is a huge price to divorce, especially with young children, and unless there is violence, drug use, etc... you can work on it!

I have fallen into the same rut (letting him have his hobbies and me mine) but I've also made a conscious effort to be interested in the things he is and doing them with him. And the lovey dovey feelings come back.

EDITED TO ADD:
OK I see some of your situation now (husband having affairs, girlfriend shows up at your door - the height of disrespect, silent treatment). That's a lot of sadness (and acting out) right there.

Whew. What a nightmare. This is really hard. I'm so sorry. But there is hope out there. You just have to find the right help.

http://newlife.com

I would call up that Christian nationally syndicated radio show and see what they say. You are looking for advice. Ask them. One of the moderators on the show wrote the book BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE.

I have the BOUNDARIES WITH KIDS book and it's one of the best parenting books I've read.

Miracles can happen. You need the right help. One story I heard on the radio: Couple comes in for counseling. Husband is having an affair, tells his wife he never loved her and wants a divorce. She sits there sullen. They work on it (some Christian marriage program, I don't remember the name). Husband finally gets a clue. He breaks up with the girlfriend. He's deeply remorseful. The couple now sleep naked together every night and are very much in love and recommitted to one another.

Here's a non-Christian marriage resource:
http://www.gottman.com

I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like you are giving up without a fight. Growing apart is common in marriages, finding your way back is not but sad to hear the two of you are so willing to split when there is no real reason other than you gave up. Marriages do not survive on going through the motions, you have to actually work at it. Are you really willing to look your daughters in the face and say 'daddy isn't tucking you in b/c'...what are you going to say? B/c we gave up and didn't even try any kind of counseling and didn't fight for the vows we made. That's a great message to send to them, not. I know this is so not what you wanted to hear. But I am a divorced kid and it sucked but my parents were toxic to each other, so it was best all around. I would never wish splitting time at separate houses on any child unless there was absolutely no way of working things out. It doesn't sound like that in your case - unless there is more to the situation...

You and your kids will all adjust. Best advice is for you and Dad to keep it amicable. Never talk bad about each other to the kids and work with each other to support the kids.

I separated from kids father after 13 years, 10 of which were similar to what you describe. He had no desire to go to counseling or make any changes. I can tell you he became more involved and interested in the kids lives after we divorced. For me it was much more lonely in the marriage than out of the marriage. The relief I felt was tremendous. I can't say it has always been easy, but you will adjust. There will be good days and bad days but you will work through it.

Last piece of advice....please take time to get to know yourself again and just enjoy and be there for your kids!! Don't start dating too soon.

Forgive me, but I am a little confused.
Are you asking for tips on moving on and being alone and explaining to your kids? Or are you asking how to avoid separating/divorcing and working on your marriage? I THOUGHT it was the first, until the end, and then it made it sound like you want marriage advice, not divorce advice.
confused here....
Could that mean that you really do want to work on your marriage? Have you discussed that with your husband?

ETA: You might find the question/responses to this post recently helpful/insightful:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/15828082785060585473

Hey Ya'll,
Here's some of B.'s back story. Might better explain why she is leaving (cheating husband who refuses to change, and gives her silent treatment when she's trying to communicate).
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/17259957809123033089

B., I've not been in your position, but I have been terrified before. I guess the best advice I've received is, one foot in front of the other. Take a chance. Have faith that everything will work out the way it needs to. Follow your deepest heart.

Biggest hugs to you, dear lady. You deserve a better marriage than this, and your girls deserve to see their mama happy.

B., I know this is a hard time. I strongly encourage you both to sit down with a marriage therapist for at least 4 months. I know how it is to feel like you want more and want to feel alive again. Either way it ends up this will help both of you dig deep to make sure there is no stone left unturned, no regrets later about perhaps not trying enough, it will also help the kids get through this transition time.

I know if you think hard enough you can remember what it was like at the beginning. That is worth something. Those feeling can be restored and brought back to the current situation. If they are a thing of the past then this time will help you to be stronger and more able to stand and know you did everything possible.

I can only hope that for the kids sake that you take your time and really work for just a few months to see if there are any deeply buried feelings of compassion, respect, appreciation, and even love left in the dark recesses of your heart.

Have you seen that movie trailer with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones? She wants more so they go to a marriage therapist. They have assignments and the trailers are quite funny. But you can see they start getting in touch with those feelings again.

I can't wait to see Hope Springs movie because it is about each and every one of us at some point in our lives. It looks so funny and heartwarming.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yiGGzteesc

It sounds as though you want your marriage back. My husband and I find that there are times when we're just too busy and feel like we're drifting apart. But that's when you dig in your heels and rekindle the flame. Get marriage counseling and see if you can work it out. Unless the "ways that I just can no longer continue to ignore" are drinking and abusive I don't see why you wouldn't try to work it out.

Now that I've said my piece, I'll answer your question. I was divorced and spent 10 months separated before the divorce was final. It was hard and frustrating, but I learned how to deal with it, and got through it all. I'm a stronger person today because I left an abusive relationship, stood up on my own two feet and exercised my independence.

Good luck.

Oh my B., my heart breaks for you. :( I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I have separated from my husband once before, for about a week, and I couldn't bear it. We got back together, went to counseling, got involved with the church, and worked (really hard) through it. It was hard, it was grueling, it was excruciating, unbearable at times. But in the end, it was all worth it. Keeping your family together should be the goal, right? In the end, if it still doesn't work, at least you know you tried everything you could.

Of course, he has to be on board too.

Either way, things will work out for you. This WILL pass. I'm just sorry you have to go through it.

It is scary. You will survive - no matter what you choose. Be prepared that even though its amicable now, it may still get ugly.
Only you know what is right for you. The hardest moments for me (still) are when the kids cry because they miss their dad. Kids do adjust and it will be easier for them if you two can work together.
Be prepared for ups and downs for yourself and also for your kids. Knowing your marriage is over and accepting it is one thing, living it daily is another.
Lean on your support system, not your kids. They need you to be strong and to continue to be their parent. It's easy to give in to little things because you feel bad (I got the kids a new puppy...). It's important to listen to your kids, but don't stop being a parent. You didn't always do what they wanted when married, don't change that becase you're separated.

Best of luck and know that your support system is a lot larger than you feel sometimes.

Hey B.,

I read where one poster said he was cheating & not communicating. hmmm. I'm not sure of your entire situation, but I was married 17 yrs. Ex cheated continuously and it was of course my fault & I drove him to it. blah blah blah. I was so scared to leave. We had been together so long that I didn't know if I could do it. I finally did and low and behold. I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I could do it. You can too if this is what you really want. Follow your heart. You could always try the seperation and perhaps with some space the two of you can work it out in time. It will be ok though and you will survive. Surround yourself with a good support group and keep busy.

Best Wishes

I am normally the person who says --- leave him he's a jerk. But .....

I think in your case that is NOT the issue. I think you both got so busy being parents you forgot to be a couple. I think you should try counseling and reconnecting as a couple before you end your marriage. You stated that you never go anywhere as a couple but always take the kids with you. You need to start going out as a couple. Even if it's just a walk in the park or to McD's for a coffee. Find a teen in your neighborhood who could use some extra cash and ask her/hin to sit with the kids a couple of nights a week for 2-3 hours and go out with hubby. Since conversation has become stilted and uncomfortable start with: "do you remember when we were dating and it started raining all over our ....... Or do you remember when we....... Start talking about your courtship and dating life together. See if you can reconnect with the romantic couple you were and maybe you cvan find the romantic youshould be now. What is missing now is the romance. See if you can find it and then find each other again. if it doesn't work then go forthe divorce. But give it a try.

I haven't been separated but have a life similar to yours right now. I hope it all works out for the benefit of the family. Someone said this is the height of selfishness - I hope you did not take that to heart - I honestly don't think it's great to have your children think that love is ignoring one another and living as you are.
Best of luck to you.

As a kid who went through a separation many years ago, I can tell you the thing my sister and I valued most about our parents: Neither ever said a bad word about the other (even though my Dad really deserved some). It made it so much easier on us both.

Have you even seen a counselor, or tried to mend what's broken. I mean, has there been ANY effort? You CAN grow back together, but it takes some effort.

This is what I hear, "We aren't close anymore, so we're separating. Shoulder shrug." Really? You just separate that easy. Forgive me for being rude, but there is not really a separating worthy reason here.

I guess good luck. I'm just shocked you'll tear a family apart over something so simple (with help and effort) to fix. Complacency is YOUR fault, and HIS fault. It's no sign that a marriage is irreconcilably broken.

There's something great on the other side of this. Being in a bad marriage can feel like being a hostage, and humans don't take that very well. It can lead to serious depression. Once you get through the initial scary part, you can really start to feel the relief of no longer being trapped. Life is not short, except when looking back. Staying in an unhappy marriage is facing a long suffocating road. I don't mean to disregard the fact that a good marriage has a lot of ups and downs, or that marriage counseling should be seriously considered before giving up, but once you've decided that it's not going to work, you can keep your eye on the big picture, that there is something after the scary part that is much better than staying in such an unhappy situation. It's hard for the kids, but again, in the big picture, it's not at all better for them if you stay together only for their sake. It's most important to handle that as well as possible, and it sounds like you both have the maturity to do that! I wish you the very best!

C.

Hi,

I am pretty much in your exact shoes...I don't have any advice to offer but wanted to wish you luck as I can so relate to everything you wrote. I hope everything goes well for you!

This too shall pass.

In the old days, 18 years with someone was a lifetime. Literally.
You're in your prime. Being financially secure puts you ahead
of the game. Not having little kids makes it much easier. You'll
be fine, I'm sure. Try to relax into your decision and see all the
good points. You may find you have a better relationship with
the kids' dad now that you are separated.

Breathe the free air deeply and enjoy yourself. Life is good.

"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA

Sounds like a pretty big case of benign neglect (bi-directionally). All relationships take effort, and it seems like neither of you are making the effort to get out of your ruts, rediscover each other and reignite some passion. I wouldn't personally walk away until I felt I'd exhausted all efforts to get the relationship back on track (honest and open communication, couples therapy, mental health screenings for depression, etc).

There was a reason you fell in love with him - and vice versa - so think about what that was and look for it in him again. If he's willing to try and do the same and put in the effort, you may have a shot at keeping your family intact.

Look, virtually everyone in this country has been stressed in various ways over the past 4-5 years unlike at any other point in our lives. It can show up in the most unexpected ways in our behavior. Complacency and resignation won't serve you well in this situation. If you make the effort and you both still don't find the desire, appreciation and adoration for each other that you once had, then perhaps it's time to move on. Best of luck toy you both.

Marriage is like a garden. It needs care, love, water to grow. Have you tried to find what brought you together in the first place. I mean this is a bump in the life of a marriage. You have to work at it, have fun with it and see what works and what doesn't. I just feel like giving up is the easy way out. I have felt the way you do. But I dig in my bag of what to do's and figure out how to make life better and more fulfilling. I think its worth it for you, your husband and children. Make a change but make it for the better. Good luck!

Tell me again why your leaving? It sounds like your experiencing a rut in your marriage. We've all been there, yours has just gone on way too long.

I would try to reconnect before I walked away entirely. It sounds like if you separate, you'll divorce as more time apart doesn't seem like what you need. Why not try counseling? Try to put some romance back in, even if you're not feeling romantic, just do it. When is the last time you did something really fun and spontaneous together?

The grind of life has a way of wearing us down. You have to try really hard to keep the fun and excitement in a marriage. What strikes me about your post is that you've been together 18 years but your oldest is only 8. Could it be you two just lost eachother through the kids? Go back to what you did together that decade before they came along.

It sounds weird but in another decade your oldest will be moving out. Raising kids is such a breif, sweet part of life. You can't put all your eggs in that basket. If I were you I'd keep trying just to be sure you're both making the right decision. What do you have to lose?