Should I Stay or Should I Leave?

I guess you have to ask yourself if you're better of with him or without him.

From where I sit, I think you should probably try a trial separation. Either you or he should move out. Under no circumstances should you live together again until he agrees to and goes to counseling. If he won't agree to counseling, then he's not serious about saving your marriage. It sounds like he enjoys having his cake and eating it, too, and that's not fair to you. Additionally, you both have been able to avoid dealing with this for 9 months (!) because you work opposing schedules. That's a long time to avoid having a discussion and coming to some kind of resolution. You need to figure out why you are willing to put up with this - what is the payoff for you? How would life be different if you decided to stand up for yourself? Just some things to think about.

Good luck.

You can't do worse for your child than to be in a nasty marriage.
You can't do worse for yourself. You are not happy. At your age why settle.
Divorce and look around. I did. Not because he wasn't nice but because I was BORED by his everyday nothingness. In my early forties I found a great man who made me laugh. We traveled the world together, led treks to the wilderness. We were happy and sometime not so happy together. We had friends, parties, and a wonderful family life with my children and grandchildren. He was the best thing that ever happened to all of us.
Why do I speak in the past tense. Because after a long time together cancer got him.
I am greatful for that marriage for that was the life I had wanted to live with a man.
Don't cheat yourself out of a good life because of some idealized church inspired morality singing it's awful song through psychologists babble.

If your child was being treated like this by their spouse, what would you advise?

You deserve to be loved, respected and honored. He is not doing any of this AND is not even willing to go to counseling and try.

Your child deserves to be in a home where he/she sees adults who love each other and respect each other.
I am sorry you are going through this.

Well, i've lived through something like this for nearly 7 years, only I didnt have any children and he did cheat on me (a lot). Anytime I wanted out it was like I love you, I just need to make this relationship different, blah, blah, the truth is he never wanted to do anything for our relationship, I made all the changes, on myself, my activities, everything!! Anyway, there comes a time when this has to stop and you have to make a move, and you have to be real sure of yourself. Look, by the way he acts, I feel like he just wants you there, because he is used to you, not because he really loves you, and because he thinks somehow you are part of his property as opposed to part of himself, and that you breaking it up is unfair, but if he were to break it up it would be fair. By the looks of it, this relationship is broken beyond repair, is better to get out now, than live like this, just harboring resentment and dissatisfaction towards each other. You can only try for so long, and you can only do so much. If he doesn't feel it, he doesn't feel and that won't change, so stop waiting for his crisis to be over, and move on. For you, because the stronger you are, the stronger your kid will be, and be aware that the fact that you are separated doesnt mean he wont be in his life as actively as he is now.
Also remeber that there is one thing to be there thick or thin and a very different one to stay there once its broken.
Whatever you decide, Good Luck!!! Be Strong!

If you work opposite hours your child is already used to seeing you guys at different and separate times. Living separately isn't going to be that big of a change. Kids know if their parents are unhappy. My parents were unhappy, my dad had the same problem as your husband's, cept more often. They stayed together for 48 years. After they divorced, both were and are happier for it. Go to counseling for yourself, tell him if he wants to stay, to go too. If he doesn't, then tell him to leave. I told mine to leave nine years ago. It is a hard decision, one that the counseling should help you decide. Oh, and my kids and I are happier now too.

So sorry you are going through this!!! I have a similar situation, in a way, but I don't live with my son's father. This kind of relationship will only serve to wear you down, and make you feel you don't deserve happiness. Some people stay together like this for their whole lives!! If this is what you want, then stay. But it sure sounds like a miserable existence right now, if your husband is not in love anymore, and just goes through the motions of marriage, with no appreciation of you and who you are. I think the point of partnership is to be with someone who appreciates you and loves you for who you are. Not someone who puts up with you because it's comfortable, and is probably going to cheat again at some point... and even if he doesn't physically cheat ever again, his heart is not with you. I would try to be brave and leave, if I were in your shoes. But I don't know your full story, so maybe you feel you need to stay. In any case, do not stay in a loveless marriage for your child - this is not the example of love you want to give to him. Best wishes.

Things can't go on like this. You can't make a marriage work for the two of you. If he is not going to put any effort in to try to salvage your marriage (counseling -- individual and couples), then you have to move on. You can't continue living in a nebulous, loveless state like this. It maybe okay for your husband -- because he won't be alone to deal with his dysfunction on his own -- but it won't be okay for you and your child. Move on if he is not willing to do the work with you to repair the damage and put your relationship back on the right track.

You are in my prayers.

Living in a loveless, judgemental home where the parents argue and accuse IS the negative impact on your child. You are teaching him that kindness, dignity, respect and true love are for others. As his mother, it is your responsibility to teach him that he deserves to be loved and valued, and sometimes that means by example.

I would ask your husband to go to marriage counseling, it sounds as if he is depressed, as well. Hopefully a good therapist can help you work through your issues, and you can find out if there is real love there or not. If he won't go or it becomes clear in therapy that he doesn't truly love you for who you are the rest of your life, then don't feel like you have to stay just to stay. It won't be in the best interest of your child. Ask any adult who grew up in the home of a loveless marriage.

M. B,

All I can say is to surround yourself and your child with supportive, loving people. If you have family or friends you can talk to or church etc. Get some one on one counseling for you--to gain some clarity and see what you need to do. Your husband sounds like he has been depressed for a long time- confront him and ask him to get help. If he is not willing to get help, figure out a different plan. You may need to leave or you may been to ask him to leave. Either way, I would get together with a trusted friend, minister, family member etc. to talk to about all this. Good luck and hang in there! Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Molly

I feel for you!! At some point, as hard as it is, I think it's best to realize that it's not showing your son what a healthy relationship is. Your husband should want to do things for you and although it might be a mid-life crisis, he shouldn't take it out on you. You can do what's easy or you can do what's right.....Good luck in whatever you choose.

I agree with Michelle S. If the doctor can fix the medical problems if there are any, then things may come back to an even keel. I think you should stick it out. My wife and I have had some rough times too. My marriage is much, much better than it has been at any time in the first 25 years of marriage.

Suggestion . . . Watch the movie "Fireproof" with him if possible, without him if necessary. Buy its companion manual, "The Love Dare" and follow it. Buy and read the books, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands," and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." They will give you some insight into the way men look at things, which is not the way women look at things. My I bought the "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" because my wife gave me a gift certificate to Barnes and Nobel for Christmas. I was in a hurry and thought I was buying a book about cooking.

I had been married about 30 years when I bought and read it. It gave me good insight about my wife and her tremendous insight about me and things I had been telling her for years about how I felt. It helped our marriage a lot.

Good luck to you and yours.

Personally, from what you wrote it is clear that you are the only one making the effort to try to 'fix' the relationship. He is not interested, won't go to counseling, and face his issues. He will never change. You are wasting your life away with a guy who wants to take the easy road and do nothing to improve your marriage. He cheated on you several times (that you know of, could be more that you don't) do you really want to live with a 'man' like this ?? I wouldn't. The first time I would have found this news out, he would have been out the door. You don't deserve to be a doormat. Your child will survive and adapt. I went through a divorce, stayed in a marriage way too long then I should have 'for the sake of the kids and keeping the family intact' -- well the reality is - its more harmful on the kids keeping a dysfunctional family together - they see and feel the negativity, hostility, the lack of love in the home. Give the kids more credit, even though they may not see it, they know what is going on. My kids actually told me later they wish we had divorced a lot sooner instead of hanging on till the end like I did. I am SO much happier once I got rid of my ex. Life is too short to be miserable and living with a guy who is disinterested in changing. Go file the papers without his knowledge, don't be coerced into any more of his stringing you along manipulative tricks.....

iT SOUNDS LIKE HE JUST WANTS TO KEEP YOU THERE HAS A SECURITY BLINKET. Maybe you should move in with a friend for a while and see if he is willing to get help. He is playing you. good luck

My ex left me about 2 year ago when my son was just about turn 3. My did need time to adjust. He did go backwards, but he is back on track for the most part. If you were afriad how it will affect your child, it is hard but your child will survive. I know this hard, the best thing is not talk about your husband. The best thing you could do is bond with your child. My son is closer to me because we healed together.

I'm just sending you a hug.

I think you already know instinctively from what I'm reading that you want to leave and you are basically unhappy and not getting what you need in the relationship.

When you're together with a person for a long time your relationship will change. Couples need to put work into it. You may love the person you are with but the first "in love" stuff fades for being comfortable with the every day stuff. It doesn't mean you can't have romance, but it takes work. You don't have to do things together all the time but it's nice to have some common interest beyond your child as child do grow and leave the nest.

It sounds like his heart isn't into it.You seemed to have worked on changing your behavior to see if that helps the relationship. If you are clear on what your needs are realistically and it isn't working for you than I would not stay. He is just cruising until something comes along that wows him for a time.There also seems to be a trust issue and is he telling you the whole truth?

If you both keep a friendly relationship for your child than your child need not suffer from a break up.

I think you already know what you should do and are just looking for some reinforcement.
You and your child deserve more. You both deserve to be happy and loved.

It sounds to me like he is going through some depression himself. See if he'd be willing to talk to his dr. One of the big symptoms of depression is not being interested in or enjoying things you once enjoyed. If you are willing to stick through it a bit longer, that might be a great avenue to explore. I'd say mid-life crisis is the best description too... along with a bit of selfish bad decision making in the past.
I come to this conclusion in part because he is so saddened by the idea of divorce and so obviously doesn't want to lose you, but also isn't interested in having you.

unfortunately I have seen several men in my "circle" go through this. Not the cheating part, but the "I don't know if I want to be married anymore" part. Some have made it through by accepting what they were going through (don't ever call it a mid-life crisis, but thats kind of what it is). Being completely open and honest about what they are going through and talking about what they really want to get out of this. Other's who refused to accept or confess what they were feeling or going through didn't make it through together.
If he says he doesn't want to do things with you and he isn't doing his other usual activities/sports either, but in the same breath he doesn't want to lose you, I think he needs to seek a counselor on his own. Not marraige counseling at this point. He needs to figure out what it is he wants. Sadly, there isnt much you can do in the mean time. He has got to figure it out. But if he is unwilling to "do" anything to work towards resolving his depression, he is only going to get worse.
I hope that you can find peace in whatever you decide. If he is willing to work on his issues and work through his depression, you can come out of this a stronger couple. I and several family members and friends can attest to that!

I'm so sorry, this sounds miserable. I don't have any knowledge or experience about this, but he does SOUND depressed. Personally, my first thought is that staying could have just as negative effect on your child - maybe more. Perhaps your husband could move-out for a couple weeks and both of you can have time to collect your thoughts about putting work into the marriage.

Oh :(.

I'd say, give him a clear expectation and consequences, like a child (which he is acting like--when marriages hit a rough spot it is often one or both spouses trying to get the other to give them something they didn't get in their childhood ... as the years peel away our surface level actions, all the deepest hurts are revealed, yes :( ? ).

In this case, I'd say, "I am going to counseling, to try to gain perspective on what I should do in this situation. If you would like the counselor to know your point of view, or you would like to know what is being said, you will need to come with me and it will be couples counseling--whether or not we end up staying together." And then go to counseling, with or without him. A problem-solving counselor rather than a long-term psychotherapist ;).

I recommend reading some good divorce parenting books; they will both show you how much damage you might do (or already be doing) your child, and tell you the best ways to cushion your child from those damages. I think the one I got most of the way through/thought was most useful was "Good Parenting for Your Divorce" (might have been "through" instead of "for"). Reading these books makes the whole thing very concrete. I cried a lot. But it was good information.

I know of this weekend where you can go and when you guys get done it will change your marriage, I'm not saying it will make everything better but it will teach you guys how to communicate and start the healing process. It was offered through my church and it was amazing. I don't know where you live but they have them all over the west coast it's called Marriage Restored I'll give you their website and you can look up someone close to you. http://www.marriagerestored.com/ I have heard great things from just one weekend, it's not counseling and you don't have to talk in large groups about your feelings it's very intimate and personal. please look into it. I've been there and I know how you feel if anything comes out of a weekend you can honestly say you have tried everything. Sorry that your going through this, and I hope things get better. S.