My husband and I separated about a year and a half ago. He moved into an apartment two blocks away from our house. My son and daughter were 4 years old and 16 months old, respectively, at the time he moved out. At first, to ease the transition and also to give me a break with the baby, he would come over after work every day to see the kids. At the time, just having him out of the house was a relief, and we were concerned how my son in particular was going to handle the change.
Fast forward to now, this "transition" of us seeing him every day has calcified into "how things are." I see him almost as much with him out of the house as I did when he was living here. The kids are older now and more self-sufficient, so I don't technically need his extra set of hands to help me all the time. I would like to see less of him, because we just get on each other's nerves. That's why he moved out in the first place.
The problem is my son (now 6). He always wants to play with his dad, but he wants to play with him in our house, where all his toys live. He has some toys at his dad's apartment, but our house is set up to be much more fun for kids. I totally understand where my son is coming from, but I simply need to see less of his dad for my own sanity. I don't care how that happens, whether he takes the kids somewhere other than our house or if he just leaves the kids with me in our house. I just can't have him here in our house with us all the time like he has been.
How do I explain this to my son without bashing his father? We are trying to keep things as amicable as possible, but honestly, the more I see him, the less amicable I feel. It's gotten to the point where I can barely stand to be around him.
Thanks for your help!
ETA: Sigh. I knew this was going to be difficult to explain. Honestly, I don't see what the legal status of our marriage really has to do with this particular issue, and I wasn't asking anyone's opinion on the validity of our reasons to separate. Obviously there is more to both issues than I care to share here. Whether we are separated or actually divorced, at some point, the kids are going to have to deal with the fact that we aren't always going to do things as a family. I KNOW that it is good for my kids to have their dad in their lives. It's not good for any of us to have him in MY life to the extent that he is, because we argue too much. I would like more, er, separation in our separation, but I'm looking for age-appropriate ways to explain this to our son. I understand that this limbo can be confusing, that's why I want a clearer delineation.
Thanks to those of you who actually answered the question.
You should find something to do outside of the house while your son visits with his dad. It would be a win/win. Take a class, go to the gym, run errands, do the grocery shopping. I would have loved to have had an hour or two a day to myself to do stuff out of the house without the kids.
simple. End things for real and make viable plans for the future as far as custody
That means YOU also will see your kids A LOT less.
So work out with your husband which days and nights work for him to have them overnight.
Honestly you're going to regret this in the future when you get your way and see your kids less (as well as your husband)
I got a divorce from my ex who cheated for 10 years and I often feel guilty and regret doing it at times because I see my daughter less. If he was J. simply annoying its selfish to seperate and make your kid live two seperate lives. J. my opninion. Then again if you're both miserable together that would be bad too.
Anyway my adive would be;
1.get out of being J. seperated, make things permanent.
2. tell them daddy and mommy are not married anymore. i told my daughter we werent married way before the divorce was final so she would get the idea it was permenant.
3. make a clear schedule of who will watch the kids when as in
Monday and tuesday and every other weekend or we do
Her dad has thursdays and Sat and Sun nights
if he can only do limited time because of work, allow him time a few days a week to take them to dinner, or you get out of the house and he spends time with them there WITHOUT you so they dont think you two are together
THe main goal should be how they can have the most time with their dad and mom seperately not how you can avoid seeing their dad
This post seems all about you and not worrying about the effects on yours kids lives. how the hell can you justify them seeing dad less because he annoys you??? you were fine when it suited your needs and YOU needed help but now you dont so you dont care if they lose time with dad?
"Son, the reason Daddy and I live apart is because we weren't getting along living together. For a while, it's true, Daddy did come over more often to help with you and your sister and to spend time with you. Now that you are older, I think we need to make a new arrangement, because while Daddy loves you and sister very much, he and I still do not get along in a friendly way.
Your father is not a bad person, either. He can be a good person, and I can still find it hard to be around him. This doesn't mean that Daddy is bad, or that I am bad-- it's just that we are not good together as a couple. And we both love you very, very much."
I would do some proactive things to make sure that this conversation has some support: I would be clear with your husband about making a schedule so that the kids get dropped off at his place more often..and then stick with it. Consider going to the Goodwill and buying some duplicates of games/toys that your kids enjoy, or extras of paper and markers, any supplies for activities they like that they can do with dad or at Dad's. You know what the kids most like to do, so if it's Playdough-- put together a container with some playdough and some supplies-- stuff like that.
I'm not going to make a blanket statement about all fathers, but I noticed that when my folks divorced-- my own dad was pretty clueless about 'what' to do for us at his house. It got better when he remarried (his wife is an elementary school teacher), but for a lot of our early visits, we'd pack up some extra toys, our suitcase of Barbies and their clothes, our stickers and paper, etc. So, if you can offer that sort of support for your kids, and get a schedule going of 'who's house' the visits are happening at, you'll be in a better position to move forward.
Please don't take this the wrong way but in a year and a half why the heck didn't you divorce!! Sorry but separating just sends the message we are not done, it gives the kids false hope, it is why they are reacting as they are.
Even children who's parents divorce have get back together dreams but when mom and dad are sort of separated, see each other in the same home every day, the kids just see it as a different type of marriage, not a divorce.
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Wait, back up the bus, I only see one person who didn't answer your question. I am sure some didn't answer it the way you wanted but we answered it.
I am sorry but you are confusing your kids with the separation and no divorce, no end, no direction. I am divorced, I have four kids, they sometimes think I would like something that is just not possible. That is with cut and dry divorced and remarried. Limbo is just a place that confuses kids so whatever your reasons I am saying he isn't going to understand until you can show he an actual path.
Keep it simple. Doesn't your son realize that you and your soon-to-be-former husband live in separate homes? If he doesn't then you're going to have to have a very frank, simple discussion with him. I do think that the legal status of your marriage is relevant, actually, because it may help in explaining things to your children.
"Jake, Mommy and Daddy would like you to spend more time at his house because that is your house too. Since Mommy and Daddy are not married any more, you have two houses: Mommy's house and Daddy's house. You get to have two bed rooms with toys here and toys there. For a long time, your daddy has been spending a lot of time here to help out to get used to how Daddy has a house and Mommy has a house but now it's time for Mommy and Daddy to spend less time together. That means it's time for you and your sister to start spending more time with your dad without me there... and then you get to spend more time with me without your dad there."
And not for nothing, but if your house is set up as the "fun house to be at" then that's not doing any favors for your childrens' father or your children. The two of you, as parents, need to make an effort to make his home as equally appealing to spend time in as your home.
Your children will suffer if Daddy is around less. Believe me, what you are currently doing is GREAT for them. Do you want them to have a full time or part time father? My vote would be full time. But I am not you.
Why not encourage Daddy to take them out? Or allow the kids to take more things to Daddy's house. Then use that time for yourself.
They should see both of you every day.
Your dislike for their father is not their problem. It's yours. So do something about it without taking Daddy away.
Ask Dad to make his place a really fun place to go. Make a great kids' place, and your son could spend the time there with his dad.
It's time to have the divorce chat with your son. Ask his school counselor for some assistance. Let him know that divorced moms and dads don't live together, they maintain separate homes and usually don't visit in each others' houses. It's time to hammer out a custody arrangement, and for your soon to be ex to set up his home as if he is raising kids there. Since it sounds like he lives very closeby, he can still see the kids daily or almost daily, but he should be taking them to his home or for outings. You don't need to bash the ex, but your son needs to understand what divorce means, and it's time to transition to what the permanent situation will be. Doesn't matter if you're legally divorced or not, if the intention is never to live together as a family again, treat the situation as a divorce - permanent. Again, take advantage of resources such as the school's counselor or social worker, who can guide you in how to explain divorce to children.
Wow, some of these moms must have an awesome family life to criticize yours the way they did. I completely admire the way you've handled it so far. You don't have to go into why you are separated. And, to those of you that think a lengthy separation simply gives children false hope - - what the hell . . . wouldn't you rather have a couple take it slow if there's any hope at all at working it out, than jump into filing for divorce and not even attempting to work it thru?! I've been separated for 5 years. I filed for divorce 4 years ago, but it still isn't final - why? because my husband won't cooperate with the court's requests and since then I was laid off and now can't afford my attorney's fees so I have no way to fight it. So instead I carry on, hoping I will find a job soon so I can finalize my divorce to a man that is anything but a MAN. He is useless, selfish, and a narcissist (diagnosed by our therapist but of course he denied it). I can see how you are ready to move on now and it's time to see less of each other. I think that it's important that when you talk to your son, you both sit down and do it together. Your son is old enough now to understand that mommy and daddy don't live together anymore. There are some GREAT children's books out there that help with this subject. Go to any book store and look in the family-life section of the children's area and there are all kinds of books to read to kids about explaining divorce, separation, etc. (Sorry, I don't have any titles in front of me, but we did use two books with my youngest daughter when we first separated that were very helpful). I wish you the best and remember that you have to do what's best for YOU and your children because no one else walks in your shoes! Let us know how it goes!
I think Sherri G. had some great ideas. Use the time during his "visits" at your house to get out of the house. Unless you don't trust him being in your home without you there, take full advantage of it.
You can also have your husband set some things up at his apartment to make it more kid friendly so that the kids can go over there sometimes.
Just tell your son that Mommy and Daddy don't want to be married anymore and that you don't want to see each other every day. Since he's now around age 5.5 or 6, he should be able to understand that. Explain that sometimes he and his sister will go to Daddy's place or on outings to spend time with just Daddy.
I always try to find books to help explain tough situations. Look at the library or on Amazon for ways of explaining separation to young children. I'm sure there are children's books related to the subject.
Good luck!
You need to tell them that mommy and daddy both love them (kids) and always will. But you do not love each other anymore. Therefor mommy and daddy have separate houses. Both belong to the kids and they will be living at both of them.
I think you need to work out a custody agreement. Figure out which days your ex gets the kids and which days you do. That might be alternating days, it might be 3 consecutive days one week and 4 the next or it might mean alternating weeks. Different schedules work for different families. Also, you will have your kids less than you currently do since you will not both be 'sharing' time. While this may not be what you want it likely will be best for the kids.
I suspect your ex is not coming over to help you, he is coming over to spend time with his children. After all he is their dad.
ETA: @ Donna-wow, just wow.
I would tell your son that while you will always be his mom and his dad will always be his dad, this is Mom's house and that's Dad's house and things are different. If it is possible to schedule a regular visit midweek, I would do that so he has "Dad time" and isn't always asking. You can say, "tomorrow you get to do dinner with Dad." If you have no official schedule, make one. You may want to enlist a mediator for this.
If you and your ex are amicable, then the two of you can work on making your households separate but working together for the benefit of the kids, and sometimes that means respecting each other's time.
If the kids are struggling, please consider counseling. Getting counseling after my parents split was the best thing my mom did for us.
It's time to clarify what you are going to do from this point. Either get into marriage counseling to work on what is wrong with the goal being trying to determine if it's going to work out or end. Going to counseling is not an "I want to be with you now or even ever" but more of an "I want to see if there are any issues that can work out and fix this or is it over".
You kids are confused because you are. You are a married person that is not acting like a married person.
This dad has as much right to his kids as you do and it's up to you and him to act like parents. He wants to see his kids and spend time with them. If you don't want him there it's time to tell him he needs to encourage the little ones to do other things. It's not up to the kids to hear anything either way. They just go one place or the other.
Hi, TT:
This is a really difficult situation you are in. It is happening many times in households across our America.
This is an intentional ploy of the "Grinding down of America" by the Socialist views taking hold to destroy the institution of marriage.
Marriage was intended for a man, a woman, and her child/ren to bring heaven to earth.
This is why you and your husband stood before God and made your solemn vow. God sanctified your marriage that he made a Commandment,
"Don't commit adultery, fornication, or incest."
God made another Commandment for children to "Honor your Father and Mother so your days will be long on the earth."
The feminist movement in the 1960's, promoted taking away the patriarchal role of the husband in his family as leader, discipliner, provider, and protector.
The Socialist movement in the 1960's was intent to cause chaos in the home to destroy the institution of marriage. Socialism's goal is to destroy the culture of moral and values that the churches teach.
My advice is to discover what you needed from your husband to cause you to separate and repair the harm that was caused by this split. Your children deserve the home God intended for them, a loving mother and father. The parents who appreciates each other, provides and protects them from the evils laying in wait outside your very door.
Good luck.
D.
