Clingy Child - Tempe,AZ

Why so defensive? You got some great answers.

I'm guessing that if you really thought "clingy", "demanding" and having you "wrapped around her finger" were cute and adorable you would not be asking this question.

If you love this behavior, Robin M. gave a wonderful, sweet answer. And maybe those closest to you have it right, and it is cute and you should just enjoy! If not, everyone else here had some great ideas!

You need to teach her boundaries.

All kids go through phases of being real attached to Mommy.
But at the same time, you need to teach them boundaries/how to be self-reliant/how to entertain themselves etc. And it is not being selfish on your part... it is HELPING your daughter, become, more evolved. And in her sense of self.

Telling your child "Mommy needs some time to myself" is not being mean.
Or telling her "Mommy is busy now, I have to clean the bathroom..." is fine.
Or "Mommy can't play with you now, I have grown up things to do."
Its OKAY to say this.
It is life, it is just how it is sometimes.
You will not traumatize her by telling her things.
I tell my kids things like that too.
Ever since they were Toddlers.
And they don't get hurt feelings or tantrum about it.
They, understand, AND they have come to know the daily running of the house and of Mommy's routines and of their routines. TOO.
It is life.

Does she have, friends?
Or is she involved in any extracurricular activities or have any hobbies?
If not, then nurture that in her.

After a certain age, it is not "cute", when an older child is so demanding and clingy, of their Mom or any primary caretaker.

Both my kids really are attached to me and call me cute things in affection. BUT at the same time, they are also very independent and self-reliant and are perfectly fine doing things on their own when I am busy.

Try asking your daughter, why she is so clingy with you?
I've asked my son that. He was more clingy with me than my daughter, although they are both very close to me. And he told me simply "because you are so cuddly Mommy, and so cozy.... and it makes me feel good." Okay, fine, I told him. Mommy loves you to, but we both have things to do... and you need to let me. And he was fine. Because we talked about it. I told him Mommy is always here if you need me. You know how to talk. Then I would go and do whatever chore I had to do in the house.

You SHOULD be able to socialize with other adults, without her being at your hip and demanding your attention.
Speak to her.
Tell her it is not real nice of her, to interrupt.
I have told my kids that.
It is just being honest and teaching them concepts etc.
Manners.
Boundaries
and social cues

ETA from your SWH - Saying there's nothing adorable about a child's behavior is NOT the same as saying your child is not adorable. We aren't here to stroke your ego, mom. We're here to give you considered advise about what will happen if you don't "unwrap" her from around your finger. Some of us have raised our kids already and have been around the block. Rather than get angry and blast your posters, accept the advice as it's given to help you, or ignore it. Fussing that we don't think your child is adorable sounds like sour grapes and makes us wonder why you bothered to ask.

Original:
SH has given valuable advice, mom. If you don't heed it, she WILL eventually stop clinging, but instead, she will be demanding and spoiled rotten. Please work on this, like SH has suggested. There is nothing adorable about a child who hangs onto adults when it's not appropriate. There's also nothing adorable about a child who has an adult wrapped around her finger. Just read about some of these kids on here who won't take responsibility for their own lives after the teen years and cause their families misery.

You get her to stop by teaching her what behavior you want to see and by stopping indulging her poor behavior. You should work a bit on being objective, as much as its hard for a mom. But you are doing your daughter a disservice to allow her to behave this way. It will escalate and then it will be harder to change.

Why do you not "have the heart" to make good parenting decisions that are in her best interest? That is unfortunate for your daughter who may grow up without learning proper, healthy boundaries.

Being clingy and having you wrapped around her little finger are two different problems. Sounds like you need to set some boundaries and stick to them. Remember that you are the adult and she is the child. It's ok to tell her that you are busy right now and need her to find something else to do. She's 7, that's old enough to understand that mommy is talking to other adults and she needs to play by herself (or other kids) for a bit.

Is she in any activities? If she's not wanting to play with other children, I would try to figure out why. Talk to her. Explain why she cannot always be hanging off of you. Your goal is to raise a self sufficient, well adjusted child. Being wrapped around her little finger (and her knowing and thus abusing it) will make this difficult.

And your SWH is completely off based, you got some good advice from S.H. and if you are that thin skinned then this probably isn't the place for you to be asking questions. You'll get answers you like, and ones you don't, but if you let every answer that doesn't say exactly what you want to hear "bother you" then you will not get much out of asking us questions.

Cling back-it only lasts a few more years; then, in public, she will pretend not to know you-by the time she is a teenager, you will pray to die.

Mom, it's time to make boundaries. The next time you are planning on socializing, prep her with your expectations beforehand. Example: "Hey Sweetie, my friend Lola is coming to visit today. It's okay for you to hang out with us for a little bit, but then I'd like to be able to just visit with her alone for a while. So, I'll let you know when it's time for you to go play for a bit."

Then, be firm that you want time with your friends without her hanging on your every word. This is important. Kids do distract us from connecting with our friends and loved ones, and they deserve our undivided attention too. We, as adults, also deserve to have conversations which our children are not privy to. I have a close girlfriend who is an honorary auntie to my son: they adore each other. So, something I do now is that she and I go out when we first get together-- up the street for a cup of coffee or out for a beer-- and then regroup with the family for some shared time.It's important to my relationships with others that I do make time for them, and it's also important for my son to be given social cues, boundaries and expectations.

You wrote: " I don't have the heart to tell her to leave me alone or to go play with the other kids." I have some questions for you to ask yourself. First, what do you think will happen if you do tell her those things? Something bad? Something dramatic? Second, where does that belief or fear come from? Most kids do not permanently internalize "Please go play now" as a rejection of their selves, or a statement that they are not lovable.

Have you considered that it would be good for her to have your confidence and verbal permission to 'go play now'?

I don't think this is a question of who (or how lovable) your child is, but perhaps some unexplored 'beliefs' you might have about encouraging age-appropriate and socially appropriate separation. I personally find it distracting and frustrating when a friend always stops what they are doing to cater to their child. It's almost as though I want to suggest 'Hey, maybe you get a babysitter for the kid next time and we go out?'

As for easing her out of the clingy behavior... either you just do it, make consistent boundaries and expectations and she adjusts, or maybe you go find some other helpers, like the school counselor or a family counselor, to get at what's driving this dynamic and what are the unstated unmet needs at play. Some parents are afraid to make their children mind them because they are very afraid that if their kid doesn't like them, they might be recreating their own fraught dynamic they had with their parents. In my work, I have seen a few parents who were fearful of their child's anger and upset, and it's very painful to witness. Children need us to lead them in giving them real world expectations ("It's NOT all about you all the time") so they can become functional adults and don't collapse when the rest of the world doesn't view them as their first priority as well. It's an investment in your future relationship with your daughter--which will only become more complex and complicated as she enters puberty and her teen years-- and an investment in her future personality and coping skills. Good luck!

You need to set up some rules. Not able to talk to adults. Not acceptable!
She needs to spend time with her friends. She is old enough to understand that you have things to do. Start making some rules. Be consistent!!!! If you do not, your cute daughter will not be so cute as she gets older.

I say this all the time and I will say it again: you will miss it when she's a teenager and doesn't want anything to do with you, and your very presence annoys her. :)

Yes, she will ease out of it as she gets older. Enjoy it.

Lol Robin.

p.s. A certain relative who shall remain nameless was always ____@____.com about how my cousin's two girls were always clinging on her, and never left her alone, and you couldn't have an adult conversation with my cousin without her kids always being in the way, and how my cousin's daughters were going to grow up to be spoiled, unpleasant creatures. My cousin just continued to let them cling, however.

Well, my cousin's two girls are now grown, and are two of the smartest, nicest, most well-adjusted, adventurous girls.

Your daughter will be fine. Let her cling, it sounds like you don't mind it all that much.

If this is a new behavior then she's probably coming down with something or is fighting off a bug. When a child is feeling under the weather they want mom.

If this is her regular behavior and you're just getting tired of it you're going to have to give her something else to get interested in.

They always say the best way to get over a break up is to find new people to fill that void. Help/find/make her go spend time with kids her own age so she can develop normal friendships....she needs to bond with kids now. Sad time of life but it has to happen.

Is there something going on with her lately that she has become this clingy? You said "lately," so that leads me to believe maybe the clinginess may stem from something else. Maybe ask her about school? Friends? Fears?

Good luck.

its a phase, typically when a child is facing something new( like cliques or pre teen peer groups) the child will become clingy, simply because they feel more confident when velcroed to your leg..is the child interested in music, art or dance?try to find something artsy that the child might be interested in, typically, if a child has a hobby or art inspired interest, they are a lot less likely to get caught up in the "tween drama" K. h

I need a little clarity on what you mean by "clingy" since it's really in the eye of the beholder. I guess my answer really depends on whether or not you see it as a problem for yourself and for your daughter. Is it keeping your daughter from learning to socialize and make friends? Is it keeping you from having a healthy relationship with your husband? Is it keeping you from having healthy relationships with other adults?

If the clinging gets in the way of other healthy relationships and it feels unhealthy to you then take advantage of how emotionally bonded you are. If you're that emotionally close, then I would guess that you know your daughter very well and have very open communication. That means you should be able to ask her leading questions to find out if something is making her feel insecure or if she's feeling unwell.

Before every new school year my eldest daughter (now almost 13) gets very emotional and clingy. For her, it's nervousness and anxiety along with excitement about the new school year that's coming up. I bring this up because of the timing of your post... the end of the summer is nearing and the new school year will be starting in a month or so. It's possible your daughter is anxious about starting a new grade with a new teacher and/or making new friends. If she's 7, then she's starting first grade? That's a big deal.

This says it all right here: "I don't have the heart to tell her to leave me alone or to go play with the other kids. "

The problem isn't her....it's you.

I suggest that you start slowly easing her into more independent play. And when you're talking with other moms, teach her to respect that and give you time to talk.

As cute and sweet as she might be, she needs to learn to understand and respect the boundaries of others...including you. It's a life skill. And it's your job to teach that skill.

Good luck!