22 Month Old with Serious Mommy Seperation Issues!

L.,

You. Are. NOT. A. Bad. Mommy! I think part of the clingy-ness is the age. My daughter is 2 1/2 and is just as clingy; and she's the little one!

Here are some things that help us with her:

1) Tell the 2 year old that you're going X-Y-Z and will be right back
2) Tell them you're going to wherever and will be back at lunch time (or some other time reference he'll understand)
3) When I leave I go to a certain window and we wave bye-bye and blow kisses through the window.
4) Just leave even though she's screaming, it's a ploy to see if Mommy will come back/not leave (my son was a master at this one in daycare)

The last one is the hardest, but with my son by the time I was out the door, around the wall and into the observation room he was done crying and was playing with toys. He's now 6, in kindergarten, and can't get on the school bus fast enough in the morning.

Good luck! I know how you're feeling with the cling-on clinging all day every day.

L.,

I was a nanny for many years, but today I’m a parent coach. I’ve worked with a lot of families who’ve had a new baby needed to help the older child adjust. Here are a few of my thoughts/ solutions:

Often when a new baby is introduced into the home, young children revert to infant ways. I'm sure you're doing this now, but create special time with your son, but make the time focused on him being a big boy. Talk a little about how you love he's a big boy and all the things he can do as a big boy.

Praise him when he plays alone quietly. Reinforce the behavior you like, especially being independent.

Also, allow him to help with the new baby. It’s OUR baby. This idea my help him attach to the baby too.

When you need to leave the room, tell him before you go. “Oh, I hear baby. I need to go feed baby, but I’ll be right back. If you need me I’ll be upstairs.” Often we think children understand when the baby cries, you need to go there, but they don’t realize this correlation, especially toddlers. Toddlers are very self-centered, so he may get up-set because he doesn’t know what’s happening or why your leaving HIM.

Toddlers need to control their environment, so offer him choices before he get’s upset. “It’s time to_______, you can ________ or _________.”

I bet these few changes will help a lot!

Good luck.

R. Magby

Rebecca, Peg and Tracey are right on. Having a new baby and a toddler requires that you give more of yourself. Giving more requires that you have time for yourself to recoup your energies. MOPS is perfect for both of you at this time.

I suggest you find a way to be able to spend time just for yourself without both children even if it's a soak in the tub with your husband responding to the babies. You don't have to listen for a cry. Turn up the music. This will be difficult but in the long run you'll most likely feel less stress.

And plan time for you and your husband to have time for yourselves as a couple. Also a difficult task especially when you're exhausted with all that you have to do.

I would add that it might help to pay very little attention when your toddler is crying for you. When you drop him off at MOPS say your good byes and leave. Eventually he'll realize that you always come back. Leave him with his father, give him a hug and leave the house. This will give his father and him a chance to work thru this issue. If your husband isn't attuned to a toddler's needs this will also give him a chance to learn. Praise both of them when you return.

When we sympathize too much we are unknowingly giving them the idea that there is something wrong. If you can express confidence in the way it is and their ability to handle it they will most likely be better able to adjust.

I agree about giving him more attention when he's not being clingy. Involve him in the care of his baby. That sort of thing. These mothers expressed it well.

The phrase, "this too shall pass" has helped me to let go of my need to make sure I do the right thing and helps me to relax. When mom is more relaxed everyone else in the house is too.

Hi L.,

I think it's the curse of being a SAHM. You are his BFF. :) You should NEVER feel like a bad mom because you need some time to yourself. You should drop that feeling like a bad habit. If you don't take care of your own needs it's impossible to meet the needs of others. My son also has a difficult time separating from me even for dad (must hurt dad's feelings) but if I go away COMPLETELY they do just fine. Give yourself a break. Sounds like you need it and he'll probably thrive in MOPS. If you are worried he feels shut out, make it a cool thing. Say, "you get to go to school today and play with your friends!!! me and the baby have to stay here and take a nap." The idea of school vs nap is sure to be appealing. Also, if you feel he's feeling left out because of the new baby give yourself some special one on one time with him once a day - it's quality not quantity so 20 minutes should do the trick. Take a walk, go to the park, read stories, go to a coffee house and treat him to warmed milk in a special cup and tell him how special this time is to you. It may help him if you write a book for him about having a new sister in the house. We write books about Finn all the time and they are quite helpful. Since they are so egocentric - a book about them is captivating. You can find a guide online or just wing it. Basic pictures and basic text will be sufficient - no need to complicate it.

I hope things get easier for you soon. You must feel exhausted.

Best,
T.

It's typical for babies at this age to have separation anxiety issues. It's normal. How you react to his behaviors will determine how well you do. First of all you have this new baby. How did you prepare him for her arrival? When folks come to see the baby bearing gifts for this new baby, do they, did they bring him something small to open? When you rock the baby, feed/nurse the baby what is he doing? Does he have his own doll/baby to care for, to imitate your actions, so he can see you're busy and working and he's busy and working with his baby? When you've put the baby down for a nap, do you take the time to have some one on one play, reading, bath, snuggle time with him? By taking him to preschool, he's getting the perception that you pushing him out and have replaced him with the new baby. You are giving him reasons to doubt and fear for his place at home and with you. Yes you're going to be busy, frazzled at times, but it was a choice you made. He shouldn't be 'punished' because you decided to get busier.

So, with his tears and fears of losing sight of you in the house, take it a minute at a time. Make sure that when you leave a room that he has something to do, has toys or other things to keep him entertained. Do it in small increments of time. Going to the bathroom is a great test. You'll be leaving the bathroom door open, but you'll be out of direct sight if he's in another room. You'll be able to give him words of comfort if, and only if, he starts crying.
Because he's 22 months, you can also set the kitchen timer as he can't tell time. Set the timer for 10 minutes, go the laundry room, go to your bedroom, out of sight. As soon as the timer goes off, you're back with him. It's a game. If he can make it without crying or fussing then he gets a treat, an special activity. Increase the time on the timer every other day by 3-5 minutes as he's able to 'beat the clock', not crying. Then go grocery shopping for 30-60 minutes, leaving him with Dad or a sitter, set the timer. And reward him when you get home and there's been no crying. Realize that teething, a cold or other maladies can impact his ability to be without you. You need to realize he has not outgrown his need or want of you and your touch just because you have another baby and more to do. That having kids is what you wanted to do with your free time and you can't put them on the shelf or return them when you're tired or want some alone time. You'll grow together, and we don't train our husbands and kids as much as we adapt and learn from them. Enjoy being a Mom, it's an awesome way of life!!!

I'm wondering what you mean by "becoming a bad mommy" and "I need time away from him." You could have an answer in those statements.

If you seem impatient, tense, or angry when your son clings, then he simply can't get the emotional nurturing he's feeling desperate for, and his desperation will grow and he will cling harder. His need for your affection and care is real and legitimate.

So some proactive time with him might ease his neediness, though it will require more from you for awhile. If you can relax, snuggle and laugh with him at least for a few minutes several times a day, with maybe a longer session or two of unadulterated mommy-love, his neediness might fade.

Be sure to initiate at least some of these sessions yourself, not only in response to his clinging. Be sure to tell him in every way you can how important he is to you. At least some of the time, don't mention the new baby in the same statement. Let those moments of reassurance belong to your older son alone.

More participation from his dad might also be helpful. Can you convince your husband to swoop in and start a fun game when the baby cries for you? Starting a game even before the baby needs you would be better yet. Crafts, building a pillow fort, cooking, wrestling, a pillow fight, racing, a walk if weather permits…. If his father is not invested fully, or course there is more strain on you.

Assuming your husband is game, i'd encourage him to take more and more responsibility - even when your son is asking for you. Sometimes this is easier if you actually leave (he may calm down when you are out of sight). Separation anxiety sucks for all parties - i bet your husband feels it too when your son prefers you - but the only way i really know to handle it is gradual acclimatisation.

No it is not too soon for MOPS. You really need that now, especially with two kids. I put both of my kids in MOPS care when they were 9 months old. The youngest, now 10.5 months, is still having problems but at least he is in the childcare for half the time and I get some break. my oldest now loves MOPS and the chance to play with friends.
As a mom currently going through separation anxiety with the youngest, good job recognizing that changes may make it difficult. But sometimes you just need to be loving and firm and get a few things done or be by yourself for a few minutes.

Hey L., we've having a little bit of the same issue at our house. L will let me leave her, but she's definately reacting to being a bit sister. One thing I've been trying to do is set aside a little time for her and just her each day. I try to give her a little time during the day when E is sleeping and try to give her a little more time right before she goes to bed. We're still working on it, but that seems to help a bit. We haven't tried MOPS but I think that would make things harder for L with her personality. If your son is struggling with it, maybe skip for a week and see what happens. Do you do any activities that are for him like swimming lessons, Kindermusik etc? That might help. If you want to get together and commisserate, e-mail me through meetup.

Keep trying to go to MOPS.. however, be prepared that it might be difficult and she may not last in childcare very long. My daughter (who is the youngest) refused to let me out of her sight ever. I couldn't go to church for a year cause I'd drop her off and she'd scream the 5 minutes they allow and then call me back. This lasted until she was a little older than 2. I was working then in the early mornings (leaving about 3:30 a.m.) and my husband told me (months later) that she'd wake up about a 1/2 hour after I left wanting me. Somehow she knew I wasn't there.

However difficult it was for me, she eventually grew out of it. She started going to preschool at age three and got on the school bus without even looking back. It was about then I could have used a little clinging ;-( LOL.

You aren't a bad mom - please ignore the awful lady who said that your tension and need to get away is causing this. Every mom, even those without clingy kids, need to get away sometimes. And, its not uncommon for kids this age to be clingy - even as much as you've described.

Keep trying to put her in childcare, she needs to learn that you'll come back. But, remember this is temporary. I've not heard of a normal child yet that didn't outgrow this. You'll make it!

Even with out a new baby my son had separation issues at that age. When we did have a baby, I found having a 'date' with my son was a huge help. He & I would go out without baby for an ice cream or a trip to the library. It was a reminder to him that he is a still a priority and can get my undivided attention. I would also always reed him a book while nursing the baby so he didn't feel left out during that time. My 'baby' is know 7 and he's 10. They are the best of friends.