3Yr Old Daughter Is Beyond Clingy/jealous

It's a common phase and it's incredibly annoying, I know. But you have to play it out. These 2 nieces have been in your family since before your daughter's birth, so she may just be figuring out that there's a difference in parents. But a lot of this comes with actual siblings as well.

I think volunteering in a kid's preschool class is often a bad idea - the purpose of preschool is to get the child to transfer her sense of authority to the teacher, and to work in the group. Having a parent there can be very confusing - it's not home, it's school, but Mom is there. So I would stop that anyway.

At home, I'd try to explain that your heart is big enough to love a lot of people, and so is hers. Families have all kinds of configurations. You might read her some stories about different families - the children's librarian can help you with some suggestions. I'd also have some special time with each of the 3 children. You might incorporate some of the verbiage from preschool about taking turns and everyone being important. School also has story time and snack time and art time - in your family, you have dinner prep time and hair brushing time and her bath/story time.

And when others are available to hold her and read to her, are they not available to help with dinner (Dad can cook, 9 & 13 can set the table with some "help" from the 3 year old). Everyone can help a little. Then it becomes a family activity.

I think, if you can establish some family time vs. some one-on-one time, and some "Mom's alone time" you'll eventually show her the boundaries.

Good luck - it's tough, I know!

When she's being mean put her in time out. When she's clinging on your leg while you are making dinner tell her to stop and if she doesn't put her in time out. When she's acting out with your nieces and saying hurtful things ask her to stop and if she doesn't put her in time out.

Right now your household is being run by a 3 yr old. Put your foot down and start teaching her that she is not the only person in your household and she's not in charge of how you choose to spend your time.

I recommend you read "The 5 Love Languages", the children's version.

I suspect that she needs a ton of physical attention from you and you have not been able to fill up her physical need for love and attention.

Have you ever spent just one on one time with her, holding her, nurturing her, doing what she wants to do? Does she improve slightly afterwards?

Only you know the real answers to how your attention is equally divided.

She's really craving a lot of attention right now and you can try to ignore and hope it's just a phase and that she'll adjust, or you can squeeze some time out of your day to dote on her and see if it improves her clinginess.

I would not let any of the obnoxious behavior slip by though. Tell her it's not acceptable to whine in the classroom and throw fits about playing with the other children.

My recommendations are based upon personal experience as my 3rd child had a clingy, mommy only phase around this age and it was wearing me out and making me frustrated how possessive she was of me, and only me. Then I read the above book and BINGO, her love language was physical touch. So I relaxed, sat down longer with her, held her tight, hugged her longer, patted her head when I passed by, etc, and within a week, her clingy behavior stopped and she felt more and more comfortable with my new relaxed acceptance of her need for lots of hugging.

I

i'm not sure how she got the 'my mom only' idea since her cousins have been there longer than she's been around. something has backfired along the way.
3 is a very typical year for autonomy to be an issue in a variety of forms. one of the most dangerous ways to handle it is to be too squishy about it. it does sound as if she needs plenty of interaction and positive attention, but 3 year olds don't know boundaries and logistics and cannot be allowed to call all the shots. it's awesome to be patient and understanding of her anxiety, but not to permit her to disrupt the entire family this way.
so while i'd be sure to give her lots of time and focus and hugs (she sounds very physical) i'd be inexorable about the mean talk. every single time she starts to melt down or yell 'my mom only' or cling shrieking to your leg, i'd make her go into another room. she can roar there to her heart's content, but since your presence is for sure her coinage, use it. it will make for a very loud drama-filled transition period, but she's got to be 100% sure that you mean it, and that means sticking to your guns. and the flip side is that she gets lots of positive affirmation from you AND the other family members when she's civilized.
everyone feels jealousy and anxiety and worry at times. it's great to acknowledge hers and encourage her to use words as much as she can to describe it. but not to pander to it.
khairete
S.

A few unrelated thoughts.

She should never get a pass (much less rewarded with attention) for saying mean things. Hurtful comments get immediate time outs.

Clinging while making meals. Could it be that she's hungry? One of mine melted down that he "needed momma" every day while I made dinner. Turns out he was starving but couldn't put that into words. A simple healthy snack while I was prepping dinner solved it.

Yes set aside one on one time with her. But make sure it's separate from her whining. You don't want her to see it as a reward. For that matter, set aside one on one time with each kid. Teens/Tweens need adult interaction that isn't interrupted by toddlers.

I looked back to other posts of yours, since another poster on this thread thought maybe this is a troll post. (We have at least 3 trolls on here as of this writing, in the past few hours, rolling my eyes...ugh.)

You have a question from last year about your 3 year old swearing. There are some pretty amazing things for a 3 year old to be saying. You admit to swearing in front of her. So it seems to me that you've let her get away with an awful lot, including talking nasty to her cousins.

I honestly think that you are to blame for most of this. Yeah, like others say here, it's partly a phase. But you've been parenting this child in a way that has been a party to her being rude. It's up to you to fix this.

NO MORE SWEARING in front of this child. You need to nip her ugly words in the bud. When she starts this ugliness at home, you put her in time out, in her room. You tell her that she cannot stay with you if she's going to be mean to others in the family. She's not 3 anymore. She's 4 and old enough to be moving out of this phase. The posters who tell you that she is getting a lot of attention for this behavior are spot on. In her room crying by herself is what she needs.

Do it now before she starts trying to rule the entire family and kindergarten class, and then has NO FRIENDS. Kids don't like other kids when they act this way, and your daughter will be ostracized.

I'm with Mum4ever, indulging her need for physical attention is more likely to curb the behavior than punishing for it. In fact, you can offer her incentives to allow others to attend to her by promising more story time, or whatever her "currency" is. I don't believe in punishing for stuff like this, kids that age certainly know how to manipulate, but she doesn't want things, she needs physical attention. It's your job now to teach her that you are not the only person who can give that to her, and not to ignore this need.

The obnoxious behavior definitely needs to be addressed, though. Physically removing her from where you are when she starts a tantrum will show her she can't act this way to get what she wants. Teaching her to use her words to ask nicely for what she needs will benefit everyone in the house. And do not let her get away with sayng mean things to people, that kind of behavior in my kids would result in me getting down to her level and speaking in a firm voice to address the issue, to let her know who was in charge. I'm not a fan of hitting kids, and I was able to raise 4 respectful, well behaved children without spanking (I admit to slipping up a few times, but it never did help the situation). But kids need to know who is in charge, it makes them feel safe, so setting firm boundaries and enforcing them without anger always served me well.

Also, she may be too young to fully articulate it, but she is probably picking up on the difference in your relationship with her cousins, and she might be afraid that she will be sent away from you, just like they were sent away from their parents. Very rational thinking for a three year old.

This doesn't make sense to me cause you've been raising your nieces since 2008 which means before she was born meaning how would she know any different? Is someone saying something to her? As in maybe another family member outside your house?

This can fall in the normal range, but you need to teach her that is is not acceptable to behave this way.

When she throws ANY tantrum or fit, you need to place her alone and walk away.

You need to tell her she "needs to use her words". IF she cannot handle you volunteering in her class, quit volunteering for a while. The reason I am saying this is that you do not want to be disruption in the class for the other children.

When she learns to share you, then you can return to the class as a volunteer.

Ways to get her to avoid these behaviors is to keep her busy, keep her busy. In the kitchen allow her to tear apart lettuce to make her own salad. let her set the table. When you are washing dishes, give her the chore of wiping the table, give her a dish towel and let her dry a pan. I used to put our daughter in her booster or high chair to help with some of this. It kept her contained and at a higher level so she could see what I was doing.

My mother used to put us to work if we interrupted or were underfoot during her chores. We learned to avoid her, or else be willing to help! Ha!

And when she is behaving, Give her the most attention, not when she is behaving poorly.

This is a very common phase no matter what the family dynamics. This really has nothing to do with your nieces.

Remember, she's only 3, and she has so much to figure out about the world. She may do great in preschool but still really need that time with you. Perhaps Daddy or the nieces could make dinner a couple of nights a week so that you can spend some of that time with her. Maybe you and one of the girls could play a game with her.

I do think you should stop volunteering in her classroom. It's great that you want to be involved, but some kids are not ready to handle their parents in that role. My oldest had trouble with that. He tended to act out more if I was there, so I tried to help his teachers with bulletin boards or making copies, rather than working with the kids. (Our school is blessed with many volunteers who want to work directly with the kids, so they are usually grateful to have a parent ask to make copies.)

This really is a phase. You have to help her with it, but she will grow out of it.