9Yo Having Friendship Issues

Hi J.,
I'm a 36 year old who had these same problems as a child & still feel the same way now! I have enough friends but none of them are friends with each other so I still spend time on a one-to-one basis with everyone. I remember being the same way as early as elementary school. I never felt like I had a sad childhood. If one friend didn't work out, I was always able to find another one. That's what I think you should have your son focus on. Just make sure he knows there's nothing wrong with him, especially if the friend he's trying to get doesn't respond the way your son expects.

Good luck. It's hard to be a parent but even harder when you have to worry about how your child feels!
T.

J.: I have 3 girls, 19,17, and 10. I don't know how old your son is but I am guessing grade school? I have been a social worker for 17 years and worked with adults, many with children. The best advise I can give you is to follow your heart. As our children get older they will get hurt and that is one of the hardest things to watch happen. Point out to your son the qualities that make him a good friend and a strong person. Let him know it is OK to be alone sometimes too, and that time alone can be fun...it is all about how we look at it. Work on the "inside" stuff with him...his self esteem and the qualities he has that make him special. Those are the things when they get older that will pull them through the really hard times. The other thing I would consider is identifying a few other friends or even boys he would like to be friends with and invite them over to play. This may create anxiety for your son at first so if I were you I would (perhaps without your son knowing) think of some structured games or activities they could do togehter to take the stress away from getting to know a new friend...this could be anything from having a list of ideas of things they might enjoy doing in your home in order to keep things rolling, to going to Fun World (is that the name??) or ice skating.
I really think the best advise I can give you as a mom is to not worry about it too much. It is totally normal for your son to be comfortable with one friend, but helping him to have one or two more will help when parties come up and he is left out...it will not be the last time it happens. Also, as I am writing to you...think about getting him involved in some sports. That is a great way for him to meet people, or if he does not like sports find some other interest he has and connect him with a club.
I see you are a single mom so all of this may be too much if your time is limited but do as little or as much as you feel you can...and remember if your son thinks you are worried about this too much he may start to feel there is something wrong with him...so keep it light :)
Please let me know if this helps or if you want to bounce anything else off of me. I have been there, and it is not easy...and as for fast food, as long as it is not every night it sounds like a good balance for the pay off you are getting, and that is taking care of yourself and having more time with your children.
Good luck :) S.

I think you have the answor. You shouldn't worry about it, and remember, we all have gone through it! It's part of growing up! He will be more confident if you let him work it out himself. If you care, you will respect your son's wishes and leave it alone. And, he will respect you for it. Just make sure he knows he can talk to you about anything. He will work it out. Be supportive, but don't smother him! You will be glad you didn't when he gets into his teens. Most boys don't want to be made a "big deal" of.

WOW! You deserve a lot of credit for not only being a single mom, working full time outside the home, etc. but, for also having the insight and wisdom to look at the situation from the perspective of your own sons "friend choosing method" ilo the much easier (common) response of blaming all those other terribly behaved kids! = )

I also think your concern is quite justified. Isn't it crazy to realize just how many of us still quite vividly remember our own friendship sagas from back when we were at or around your son's age?! Apparently these situations must of had some kind of effect on who we are and/or how we look at certain things today...

From a similar experience of my own youth, I recall my own Mother's response to the situation...which was basically a lesson of compassion. (...a really great virtue, growing more valuable to me with each year that passes in the lives of the 2 girls of my own...)

Back then, we (my Mom and I) had little laid back "chats" while participating in something we both enjoyed about the goings ons amidst my current age group, my views on friendships, etc. I'm now quite certain that her real aim/goal was to (a bit sneakily) get me to open up/share lots of dirt regarding the current friendship dramas of my own.

Once this background info. was gained "Mom" would move into gaining info. (in particular) on whom I thought might be the most "friendless" in my class. Afterwhich, she would then set to work making plans to setup not just one, but a series of "playdates" with the this very "one with least amount of friends" and of course myself.

In a nutshell, if we both went to the same school as children and you actually were without a ton of friends, I imagine (due to my Mother) we ended up hanging out quite a bit! = )

Skipping parts, obviously, of the whole "lesson" experience, the end results were that...yes, I learned compassion and actually ended up going from the very leader of the "super exclusive" group at my elementary school to the (at first a bit brashly and annoyingly) kid always trying to seek out and befriend all of the "lonely kids" on the playground.

Of course, kids should be kids and I'm not promoting too "heavy" a lesson per their age, however, empathy, compassion, insight and wisdom...well, who doesn't want their little angels to encompass that?! = )

Side Note...I imagine he'll be just fine whatever you choose to do, it sounds like he has a really good Mom on his side. = )