Grown-Up Friend Problems

Wow I had a problem like that once. A friend that I considered a sister started causing problems between me and my then boyfriend. I was a single parent at the time with a little girl at home. My best friend's daughter was my daughters friend as well. Well I did what I could to keep the situation out of the kids path and talked to my friend to try to find out what was going on in her head. Do you know she finally told me that she had dated this exact same guy in the past and she felt he had been a user and since she loved me she was afraid he was going to hurt me. I was stunned. I asked her to stay out of it but also gave her hugs and asked her to let me check it out for myself. I began to pay attention and discovered he was also chasing several other women at the same time and just trying to have his way regularly. My friend was right but wrong to try to control my situation. I told her so and then asked that we remain close. We have and she minds her personal business and I mind mine. We share other things (like work stuff, or fun stuff).

I unfortunately had to dissolve a close friendship w/a girl I've known since childhood. We made an agreement & although I'm a very untrusting person, I went ahead & agreed to wk w/her on this issue. Well long story short, she didn't live up to her agreement & REALLY caused a problem & I unfortunately cannot be w/her anymore as a friend. She out & out lied to me & conveniently changed her mind on some things after things were legally put down on paper & I was left holding the bag (so-to-speak) & the rest, well she "can't recall ever saying that". Needless to say, since I couldn't put things down legally on paper she really 'got' me & took advantage of me BIG time. I can't trust people anymore so when she asked me for a favor, I declined her request & she decided that "she no longer wanted to have anything more to do w/me" just because she didn't get more out of me. That showed me right there that she was only after what she could get from me & she did...just because I decided to trust someone I thought was a true friend. She now tries to talk to me as if nothing wrong ever went down. So needless to say, if I hadn't agreed to wk w/her on that issue, we'd still probably be friends. My answer to you would be, step back & see/observe what exactly she says or does...write it down. Look back at your notes. Confront her w/it--bring it to her attention & simply ASK her in a calm manner why she's been saything this or that or doing this or that. Perhaps she's just clingy or needy. Perhaps she just needs attention & can't be alone..has to be around ppl all the time or feels that she has to be included in your person business because she's lonely. Perhaps it's just an underlying issue that has nothing to do w/you & your boyfriend at all but just happens to involve you in that manner. Before you dissolve your friendship, just approach her diplomatically. Don't accuse, don't talk down to her, just simply say something like "hey, listen, I feel that we've been good friends but lately, I've been avoiding you because you've been really interested in my personal affairs/business & just wanted to know why it's so important for you to know these things" & just wait for her to answer. Tell her that you're not going to get mad at her, you just want an honest answer so that things can be worked out between you two or if not, then having to dissolve the friendship. Tell her if you can't work things out then you will have to seek friendship elsewhere because you don't feel comfortable with her having to know so much about your relationships because it simply isn't her place to know these things or be involved in that way in your personal business. Good luck!

Perhaps she is in your business so much because she wants your man! What ever the case if she is giving you stress you don't need the relationship. try to end it peacefully, try just backing away stop answering phones (caller ID) etc. just tell her so sorry I've been so busy, and I just feel like I need to handle my relationship issues on my own! If that doesn't work end the relationship, and to be honest your daughter is only 8, these 2 friends of hers will probably not be her friends by the time she gets into high school any way! Your daughter will lose lots of friendships in her lifetime and that' s a fact of life that she will have to learn anyway! It could be worse! It could be a family member! best of luck,

How is she getting the information to cause problems? Is she making the stuff up, or just taking liberties with what you tell her? Stop sharing your personal information with her. If you felt comfortable being bold with her and telling her that you don't like it, then you wouldn't be asking us. Just don't talk to her anymore. If she tries to pump you for information, tell her that you have nothing to share. Be short in your answers, and focus on your child and your boyfriend. No one can rightly insist on knowing your personal business. If she insists, simply tell her that you'd rather keep that to yourself or that you're not ready to talk about it. Maybe she'll get the hint and leave you alone.

You can't control what she says or does with her children or anyone else. Let your daughter handle her relationships with her peers. Only step in if she brings something to your attention, or if you know that this other woman is talking to your daughter. Based on what happens (woman upsets your daughter, girls stop speaking to her, etc.), talk to your daughter and try to diffuse the situation. It's not a bad idea to encourage your daughter to have other friends, too. Cliques are no good. She should be exposed to different people.

Keep in mind that most relationships are seasonal. You are not meant to hang on for life to every person you like at some point or another. Some people are actually in your life to teach you how to overcome certain situations, to teach you how to handle yourself in certain cases. Learn this lesson and move on from this person, or at least take your relationship to another place. It's gonna be up to you to change the dynamic of your relationship with her. She's not doing anything that you haven't let her do. She'll continue unless you stop being that person who allows that. We teach people how to treat us. If you don't change who you are and learn to be empowered in your own life, this is gonna show up in somebody else, and you'll be wondering why this keeps happening to you.

S., You may just need to cut ties with her completely and find someone new who also has children to befriend. My so-called-best-friend told me that she didn't think I was a good mother almost 3 years ago. There are times when the sting of those words hurt as much as the day she said them. I realized after a while that this lady really wasn't my friend and there were no redeeming qualities in the relationship to try to salvage it.

Don't make a big deal out of things. Just phase yourself out, gently for your daughter's sake/friendship, or cold turkey, depending on how you want to do it. If your friend asks then tell her how you feel but do so gently. Use words like "I feel like this when you say or do that" "it hurts me when you do or say this". Never say "You always or you never" as those are sure ways to start an argument.

I don't know if you're a Christian or not, but if you are, it would be nice to leave the friendship with a "spoken blessing or affirmation". As pissed as I was with the former bff in my life after she said that stuff to me I told her that I still thought she was a good mother and that I was proud of her. I don't know if she got it but as least I ended the realtionship on the best note possible on my end of things.

Good luck.

You have some great advice here..
The best thing that you can do is tell her that she is causing these troubles in your life. Tell her that you wish to continue your relationship with your boyfriend and if she cannot accept that, then you no longer need her friendship. I agree with the lady below that said, tell her "when you do or say this, I feel..." If she is a "true" friend, she will understand and will back off. If not, then you don't need her and her negativity in your life anyways. There are plenty of people in this world and some are only in your life temporarily for a reason. It is best to address the issue and not ignore it any longer, just be honest and be gentle.
I wouldn't worry about the girls unless you truly believe she will be that nasty. If that is the case, then just sit your daughter down and be honest with her as well, "so and so is causing problems in mommy's life and therefore we will no longer be hanging out with them. We will make many more new friends, so no need to worry." Don't make it seem like a bad thing to her, make it seem exciting to be making more, new friends! =)
Also, yes, pray for guidance and strength on this issue.. for yourself and for your friend..
Good Luck

This is a hard one, the kids of course always come up with this question. They will deal with it, it's the mom's that will have the problem.
Let your friend know that you respect her thoughts and that you really like her as a friend but you have known this man now for over 6 years and he has with stood all the things that have come up in that time frame. He is important to you and that you would like to have a better relationship with him with a longer relationship (marriage) possibly. Maybe this will get through her head. You did not say if she was a single parent also, this may also be part of the problem, she feels like you are going forward and she is not there also. YOu might also need to cut back on sharing some of the information of your dates and time with him as a couple. Good luck

Hi S.,

I can relate to what your saying. Friends can be both a blessing and a problem. The problem is when we give friends the power to give thier opinion it may not be the opinion we like. After all we are different as people. It sounds to me as if you need to have the courage to tell your friend that she is giving her opinion when it is not welcomed. In the past I have had to tell my friends in an encouraging way to mind thier own business. If they are truly your friend they will respect that. As for your daughter she too must learn the value of true friendship. If a problem should arise that might effect your daughters friendship perhaps you should explain to the mother that even if your friendship is tarnished it should not effect that of your children. If she can not respect the friendship of the children then your child is better off not being around such negativity. That is just my opinion.
Sincerly,
Understanding Friend

talk with the friend tell her that when you want to share details on your relationship thats one thing but for her to be nosey thats another. Let her know that you value her friendship but if she cant step back from this problem then the friendship will be no more. I would also talk to the mother if you do end up ending the friendship letting her know that you are not ending the childrens friendship unless one of them stsrts being rude to the other for unexplained reasons.
I have had to lose many friends over them being to nosey. But the one's that I did keep it was because Ive chosed to be straight forward with them from the get go so they knew there was a line not to cross.
Hope this helps and good luck with both friendships

Rise above as you are the example for your children. Unfortunatley, adults have a tendencey to cast their own inadequacies towards the kids....Much time in divorce...in your case it is a friend. I would speak openly to the children's mom and let her know your fears. You have nothing to loose and all the confidence to gain for your daughter.

Sometimes you have to be blunt and tell them to stay out of your business. It doesn't have to make waves with the girls. If she gets offended, that's HER problem, but you have to have boundaries, and others have to learn to respect them. If you are able to talk to her, ask her how SHE would feel if you were constantly trying to get into HER business. She wouldn't like it any more than you do. This could be one friend you don't need in your life if there is no respect. If you give it, you should expect to receive it as well.

S.,
I don't have much advice for you because I've been (and kinda still am) in the same situation. I look forward to reading your responses. When I first got divorced my BEST friend really let me down and I felt she had taken "his side." My ex would find out things (ie. when I was going to talk to my attorney, etc.) that only she knew about. Hmmm... I did like you, just let it go, but was careful as to what we talked about. I knew that my ex had been spending lots of time with them (and this is the straw that broke the camels back)...my ex hadn't paid child support in over 6 months, so I was going through the Attny General's office and had to list information and where he had been "hanging out," etc. I had tried calling her for a week, with no returned calls, I emailed her. I wanted to let her know that I was listing her address as to where my ex could be found, and I was trying to be courteous and had tried calling her to discuss it but hadn't heard back. Anyway...she blew up! We didn't talk for quite a while which was extremely hard because our boys (who are only 4) are BEST friends. They play t-ball on the same team, so we would see each other often. It was HORRIBLE. I was so hurt and angry. I got married to the best man in the world in March. She and her family came to the wedding. I was really shocked, but happy to see them there. When we did our dollar dance she came up. I was so stunned that I asked if she was dancing with me or my hubby. She laughed and we danced and she gave me the biggest hug and said how much she missed me and how sorry she was! We now talk often and hang out and really get to enjoy sports with the boys. Although, I don't tell her everything I have going on, I am glad to have our friendship back. Sorry for being so long winded. I guess I just want you to know that there's others that go through the same hardship as you and sometimes you just have to give it time. I think you should try to talk with your friend. If that doesn't work, then just pray that God will guide you and her to what he thinks is best. I think of these times as the saying goes that God brings people into our lives for a Reason, a Season and for Life. Good luck!

Yes I have--First have you established the fact you really do not want anything to do with her anymore?? If yes then you really should do this face to face in the most loving way possible without attacking her person. Tell her YOU feel the relationship with her is not healthy and YOU feel you should break the ties and tell her why. If no then you still have to talk to her about getting to personally invloved with your personal life and you would rather not hear about it from anyone else. you are both adults and if you children choose to be friends you need to leave your feelings aside. This does two things--it lets you express your views without attcking her and it show your children how to resolve issues rationally as they grow. They are watching. Good Luck--Be prepared for her to get madd--they usually do because they never want to take persoanl responsibility.