Preteen Friendship Issues

hey L.!
i don't think i have all the answers for this one...but the one part that struck a cord with me is by you telling her that you did not want to hear her name anymore or her to complain about her. i felt that she may get the signal that you are not there for her...and she needs to know that you are! if this message is interpreted that way...who knows who she'll seek comfort and advice from...some irresponsible parent, a boy...who knows! you don't have to agree with her, but be conscious that she knows you're there for her and she can always come to you..you don't have to give her advice...but just listen and guide if possible. i know, easier said than done...but these are precious transition years for her. good luck!

I have 2 daughters, so I know how difficult this time can be. So many times, I have wanted to jump in and call the other girl's mom, but I am usually glad I did not. I made it a rule to not jump in unless there are physical problems or things just get way out of hand. I have learned that there are usually two sides of the story. Unfortunately, this is a time for a difficult life lesson, how to choose friends appropriately, be a friend, realize the differences between friendships and acquaintances, etc. I have always been there for my daughters as far as support and safety. I just want them to learn now what to expect from friendships and not later in life as a young adult.

We are in the middle of a similar situation at my house. All I can do is tell you what we have done and how it has worked for us. My less than perfect 14 year old has had one of those on again off again friendships for the last couple of years. I would constantly hear 'so and so did this, and so and so did that'. I admit that it was grating on my nerves to sit and listen to her complain about what I saw as an unhealthy relationship. I never told her one way or another what to do. I just let my daughter know what a great person she was and reinforced to her the qualities that made a good friend. It has taken years but my daughter finally said 'I'd rather have no friends at all than a friend like that'. The girls still talk on occasion but they don't really hang out anymore and I can see my daughter pulling her self farther and farther away from the friendship. I think it is the best decision she could have made, more importantly she is the one who made it.

Hi, L.!
Your situation is very familiar to me. I have a 12 year old son, so the friendship issues are a bit different, but my daughter is 21 and I remember the back and forth of girl friendships. We, as moms, feel we have to make things better and we're protective of our kids' feelings. I think if you let your daughter talk and you listen reflectively, "That sounds frustrating, or You felt hurt, or whatever she is communicating to you about what transpired between her and her friend. Kids at this age are trying on different identities and learn much from their peers. They seem so fickle-best friends one day-not speaking the next. I try to stay out of my son's skirmishes (Boy, is that hard!) unless something is really serious and then I call a mom.

There is so much DRAMA with girls. Sometimes I'll ask my son, "What can I do to help?" He'll respond, "Nothing, Mom, just listen."
Your daughter will come through this, have many more friendships in her life time and learn from all of them.
Good Luck!
D.

Your daughter is 12 years old, just the age that they all begin to get "tacky" sometimes. She's no longer a baby but she's not a teenager either. She'll have lots of ups and downs with friends, but unless a situation gets really nasty or physical and starts causing problems at school, the mothers should stay out of it. Let her learn to solve her own problems. She will tell you, not everything, but what she wants you to know. Just be there for her when she does ask for advice, but just give her advice, don't get involved.
I'm the mother of three sons ages 53,52,47 and one daughter who is 37. Been there, done that. Just hang loose and stay close.

I can certainly appreciate the way you love your daughter, but I think that you are too involved in this. If you have a good relationship with the other girl's mother, that's great, but it should stay separate, for just these reasons.

Your daughter is 12, an age where she is figuring out what a true friend is, how to handle herself in friendships, etc. Girls are messy and silly at this age, so she'll encounter so-called friends being ugly and playing both sides. It's your job to stand back and teach her how to maneuver through these situations because these lessons will impact her life, and they won't stop here. You should be able to look back on when you were this age and remember how girls were. Share with her the benefit of your experience, your wisdom...because you know what could be waiting for her on the other side. What was waiting for you, once you realized that you were basing a lot of your adolescent decisions on insecurity and wanting to please others and just not knowing who you were? This girl obviously has her own set of lessons to learn, about how to treat people and loving herself enough not to have to brag about things. As an adult, you should be far enough removed to get that and maybe even explain that type of behavior to your daughter. If she's not taunting your daughter (individually) or physically hurting her, then you should avoid taking it so personally.

Teach your daughter to be firm and stand for what you have taught her...to feel good about herself.... It's hurtful when friends turn on us, but how many friends do we keep from the age of 10, especially without some interruption while we're maturing? Meanwhile, encourage her to make other friends. She needs lots of them to come through her life as she learns and grows.

Good luck and it sounds like you will need someone to vent to also! :o)

I too have problems of that nature, but even though I am tempted to tell my daughter not to talk to me about that friend or complain, I am afraid she might get on that track of not telling me anything and I don't want that even more. I would only caution you on what you tell her as far as not communicating with you. Maybe you could explain how hard it is for you to hear that she is being mistreated by her friend although you do not want in any way to shut her out and you will always welcome discussions about how to handle difficult relationships.

L.,
First of all, let me start off by saying that I am not the mother of a teenager. I have a few more years to go for that. But, I have worked with teens. I'm not an expert and only have my work experience to share.

I would NOT tell my child not to tell me things that are going on. She is your only real source of information on what's happening in her life and you don't want to alienate her from you. The teen years are particularly rough, especially jr. high, and your daughter needs to know that you'll always be there for her.

As for her so-called friend, she is at an age where relationships (friendships) shift. Everyone is trying to figure out their place in the social setting of school and unfortunately some kids can go too far with that by showing off in one way or another. It seems like your daughter's friend is compensating for something and therefore is "telling others things" in order to seem more important, knowledgable, and informed than the other kids. And sadly, she focused her attention on you and your daughter. Who knows, her relationship with her own mother is strained.

You've tried talking to this girl's mother and didn't get anywhere with that. Just leave it alone for now. If your daughter continues to be harrassed by this young lady then I would limit your daughter's contact with her. And, don't be afraid to let your daughter figure out how she wants to deal with this girl. She needs to learn how to deal with those who are less than pleasant, but be there as a sounding board for her as she goes through this.

Unfortunately, we cannot protect our children from everything. Personally, I like the idea of locking my child in the house and never letting her out until she's 30! But alas, I can't do that and it wouldn't be fair to her. Still, it's tempting. I KID!!! But you get my drift right? We can't protect our kids all of the time but we can do our best to prepare them and give them the tools they need to deal with situations like this. Just keep an eye out on your child. Look for signs of distress in her life, ie. lower grades, a complete change in friends, withdrawing (more than usual for a teen), weight loss or gain, changes in sleep patterns, and such. Any of these can be a sign that she's not coping well.

I hope that this is of some help to you. Good luck and keep us posted.

K.

Hi L.,

I have gone through many of the same issues. My daughter has been best friends with the same girl since they were 10 years old and they are now 15 and 16. They have argued but they always go back to each other. Communication is extremely important. At first my daughter (Shelby) would come to me about the things that Tiffany was doing instead of standing up to Tiffany herself. She has now learned to express when her feelings are hurt or tell Tiffany if she thinks she was being selfish, etc. Their relationship is very healthy right now and I think it's because they express to each other how they're feeling. I would encourage your daughter to tell her friend how she's feeling and if her friend values their friendship, she will take your daughter's feelings into consideration. Good luck to you. Wait until boys come into the picture. That's when it really get's fun, lol

When I was about this age and had a problem with "friends" my mom used to say "their just jealous". I didn't believe that until I got older. So many, especially at that age, feel so insecure about themselves. One thing we all have in common is that we want to feel accepted. I know it's difficult but she really needs your guidance and (as most of us ladies) an ear to vent. My daughter had issues at this age too. They grow out of some of it but I explained to her that not everyone has a good home life and that these girls are sometimes just acting out because they may not have proper guidance at home. I've always encouraged my daughter to pray for these people which is what we are supposed to do anyway. As you do this you will find that you have more patience with them, you actually feel compassion for them (which usually leads to more prayer)and even gain wisdom on how to deal with them appropriately and possibly help them. We all need love and security. Prayer really does change things including us! Hope this helps. God bless!

Sounds like my sister-her friend problems started when she was 5 and paid a quarter a day to her "best friend." Even at 27 she lets her friends treat her badly and doesn't talk to them about it. A friend of hers had her babysit her two children as a daycare replacement while she worked and shopped and didn't provide food or diapers or wipes and then claimed that she couldn't pay her for watching them even though there was a previously agreed upon price. She never has learned that if the gal was a friend she wouldn't treat my sister that way.

S

Been there, done that! You have my sympathies. Junior high aged girls can really drive you crazy!!!! The girls at that age get offended so easy and never really tell what they are upset about and then tend to pout about something for days. It is mostly hormones and insecurities. Also - they are at that very "self absorbed" age - and i don't mean that in an ugly way - its just that girls that age only see their own problems and how the world impacts them. They dont understand that most things that happen and things that people do have nothing to do with them. They just happen to be close enough to catch the "fallout"

I think you are on the right track. Try to stay out of everything you can (otherwise you will be at odds with all the moms). Just be alert to any other issues that may arise. I gave my daughter this advice: 1. If you would not purposely hurt someones feelings, do not assume that the other person will. It is usually a miscommunication. 2. If someone has upset you, if you do not have the courage and character to confront them and explain that you are upset, then you have no right to be mad at them, so get over it.

Mainly, i suggest ensuring that your daughter gets involved in some type of community service where she can have direct exposure to those a lot less fortunate than her. Nothing humbles a self absorbed teenager quicker than seeing that someone else has bigger problems than their own. If she can be directly involved in helping someone else, she will gain confidence. The compassion will take more of her energy where she wont have time to dwell on the pettiness of other teenagers.

About Me - a mom of a 24 yr old daughter. i was a Girl Scout leader for 13 years and witnessed this same scenario many times over with all the girls in our troop as well as with other girls in other troops. There are many things to enjoy and celebrate in a daughters life, but junior high school is not one of them! haha

Hi L.,

I think your telling your daughter that you don't want to hear about it is great. So much that you mention about the two girls sounds so normal for the age -- one girl who brags and runs a bit hot an cold on the relationship, the other who has a hard time setting boundaries and periodically withdraws. This is hard stuff to learn how to do on both sides -- for one to learn that she doesn't need to have a lot of impressive accomplishments to be likable, and for the other to learn that she can say no and disagree and still count on her good friends to accept her. Heck -- how many of us adults still can't manage that stuff?! But I think you're absolutely right to leave them to it. This other idea is intuitive -- I can't say why I would suggest this, but I wonder if it might not be good for the girls for you and the mother to develop or renew your connection as adults, not as mothers of the kids -- ideally if the two of you could just have a cup of coffee or a chat on the phone occasionally about your lives, to keep things between you as positive as possible, with the daughters completely out of the picture, I just wonder if that might not ensure the daughters aren't playing out some kind of ambivalence or unresolved feelings between the two of you mothers.

Good luck -- and if your daughter's friend really is NOT a good friend, if you don't let her talk with you about the friendship, it will help your daughter to end it, since the drama of it won't give her something to talk with you about!

Best wishes,
M.

I don't like to ever tell anyone how to raise their child but a little advice always helps to see various options. I think you should let her figure this out for herself. You have told her that she should go to her friend with the problem and that is all you can do. If you continue to help her out and do it for her then she will never learn how to do it herself. Besides you could hinder your relationship with your daughter if things progressed and she lost her friend and her friend blamed it on what you did. Your daughter may feel resentment toward you, I have been there too. Just reiterate to her that she should tell the friend, any of them, what is bothering her and they should work it out between them without involving other people or the moms. Good luck!

I learned the hard way you have to stay out of it. Unless your daughter is being physically harmed. I got involved one to many times and it only made things worse. Girls can be really mean to eachother, but most of the time they make up and we look like fools for things we said or done. Now , when a mom calls me to discuss situations yhat have occured I say something like "I understand your concern, I'll definitely talk to my daughter about it, but I really think the girls need to handle this themselves". We can't control what they do, or who they talk to at school. We can only hope and pray that they make good choices. My daughter has no problem with sticking up for herself, but I've seen girls that I thought did, get fed up and do it. I also said don't mention so and so's name in this house. I regret that. I want to know what is going on in my daughters life. But, I want her to know that it's not fair to complain constantly about so and so and expect to go over her house Fri. for a sleepover. So, on Fri. I say no, based on what you've said lately that's not a good idea. It's ok to sympathize with your daughter, but don't fight her battles for her. She needs to do that for herself. Hope this helps.

Dear L., My best advice to you is that 12 yr. old girls act like this. Don't get involved in this unless something happens in the friendship that is harmful to your daughter. These girls are far from being adults, and have no idea how a true friendship really works; but, they are trying. I base my opinion on raising two girls and four boys, substituting at Middle School and now High School. Instill your values in your girl and step in only when needed.

Sincerest wishes for a great summer and wonderful end of school experiences.

You're right on wanting your daughter to figure this out and make her own decisions, but you don't really want to tell her to stop talking to you. If she can't come to you about absolutely anything, even something as dramatic and in the long-term way of life, trivial, then there is no foundation for her to come to you with the big things that really are big. Kids may not grow up remembering all that you do as a parent, but they absolutely do remember how you made them feel. You can't make her decisions, but she needs to talk and bounce things off someone more stable than another pubescent friend. Remember, we women naturally prefer to talk things out to "work things out" and decide what we need to do. It's in the talking that we unravel our issues. Bouncing her issues and concerns off an experienced, loving, grounded adult is far better. Just like a math teacher would try to help a student think about their options and how to approach a problem, you can guide your child to help her make her own choice. Help her to observe and learn from this and build on a life skill, because this will not be the first time she will be faced with working something out with someone like this. This is a small taste of what life can be for any of us as we deal with people in the work place and throughout life. It's a great opportunity to learn and a great chance for you to be there and bond with your daughter as well at a time that for her, is hurtful. It can be exasperating. And you may have to say, you know what, I'm not in a space right now, let's talk after dinner. Or see if Dad or Grandma can take a turn to provide stable help. But be there if only to listen to her work it out on her own as she talks. So even when she's older, she'll keep you in the loop of her life when it really does matter most.

So glad I have boys. They will beat each other up one day & then go back to being friends the next with absolutely no hard feelings.

I read a book a while back called Reviving Ophelia. From what I remember, it was very interesting & a quick and easy read. It may give you some ideas or at least more insight. Just keep reminding her that in a few years it will not matter who her friends were when she was 12. Sounds like the other girl is very insecure. I was friends with a neighbor girl for years until she decided she wanted to be popular. She would still come to my house on weekends, but then she would ignore me (better than talking about me behind my back, I guess) at school when she was hanging out with the more popular girls. Watch out for this. Your daughter should not be mean or rude, but if she is too accommodating, she will be perceived as weak & risk becoming a target. Good luck to the both of you.

Hi, This is a tough time for little girls and we all know that kids can be mean. Remember clicks when we were kids. There is always a leader, and as soon as someone disagres with that person then they get picked on. Most of the time by spreading little lies. It makes the leader fell BIG. If your daughter wants to remain friends with this little girl then mabey some one on one time with here whould close the gap and renue their friendship. But you also have to ask yourself even though they have been friends with for 2 yrs. people change and she will find new friends that will love and respect her for who she is and what she belives in. Good luck

L.,
I think you're doing the right thing by putting the ball back in her court. We will run across characteristics in friends that we don't care for, but there's a reason they are still our friend. You are correct, she needs to learn how to communicate with her friends and not bring every issue to you to deal with. I commend you on teaching her this valuable social skill. This will not only help her with her peers, but with any other relationship she'll develop in her future.
My only suggestion would be to not use comments that show negative feelings towards her friend (ie: "I don't want to hear her name anymore or hear her complain about her"). She still needs to know she can come to you. If you put up that wall, she may not feel she can come to you for things in the future. She needs your guidance to know how to handle the situation herself.

Growing up is so hard and it's hard to understand why people act the way they do. Even as adults we find ourselves wondering why peolpe act the way they do. Preteens and teens are so confused about what is going on with themselves, that they have a hard time understanding how they affect other lives. And usually don't care. I think that the best thing to do is let this other girl play her games, tell your daughter that as hard as it may be, she needs to pretend that this doesn't affect her. The girl will probably go crazy because she isn't getting the reaction she wants. Eventually they will probably talk about it.
Your daughter needs to know that when she expresses her feelings that she says "this is how I feel"! People don't usually listen and understand what someone feels unless you say this specifically.
I personally had a rough time with other girls when I was that age and all the way up till the end of high school. It is really sad how mean girls can be to each other.

Good luck and hopefully her friends stand by her side, becuase she is the one who is not being a DRAMA QUEEN! Somewhere in life we all realize who are real friends are, and I guess people who act like this girl help us to formulate who we want around us and who we can trust.

A.

Hello L.,
I recently severed a friendship I had with a lady I had known since high school who would do some of the same things. One thing you can ask your daughter is "Does she really want friends who are going to upset her on a regular basis." At this age most girls don't want to get into fights with friends out of fear of not having friends but if she is not happy with the way things are going and does want to pull away you can help her by getting her involved in other activities so she has an excuse as to why she can't hang out with her or she can't ride to school with her or visa versa. See if there are other friends that would like to car pool that are better friends for your daughter. Even if the other girl continues to say things about you and your daughter then when it comes back to her or the new car pool friend it can be denied. Good activities always seem to be church activities. Not only are they in a christian atmosphere where they are encouraged to be polite and not gossip but they do a lot of activities with children their age and will most likely find others that go to their school. If the mother is denying her daughter is causing problems then you aren't going to get anywhere with that. You can try approaching the girl and let her know that you don't appreciate her being rude and mean and that if she continues she won't be welcomed to hang out with your daughter. That you have to use your words wisely because you don't want it to affect your daughter at school. Your daughter won't be able to do it herself because it could cause some problems for her at school and I have a feeling this girl will talk bad about her but if it's done gradually then there she is less likely to gossip. I hope this all works out for your daughter. The sad part is that there comes a time when we do need to get rid of the friends who bring us down or hurt us purposely. Good Luck!
M.

Sometimes we out grow our friends. Make new friends and move on.

Hey L., I kinda took you telling your daughter you didn't want to hear the friends name as being your warning to your daughter that since the girl has already had an issue that was shame on the girl, but if your daughter is going to continue a friendship with the girl and the girl does something else, then it is shame on your daughter and that you weren't going to treat her as though she was a victim because obviously you realize this girl isn't trustworthy friend material and you feel your daughter should know that too by now. I think your right to let your daughter learn now how cruel and mean some people can be so that in the future she will have the skills to weed those people out of her life and be able to surraound herself with people that truly do want to be with her and want nothing but the best for her. Better for her to learn this stuff now and not later when she is trusting guys and getting pregnant before she finds out how selfish some people can be. So, all I can say is let her make her choices, but perhaps talk to her so that she can see it from a different perpective so that she can make better choices in the future. I don't have a teen, but this is how I would approach any one I love who is having a social problem.

You've gotten a lot of good advice already. As the mom of a 16-year old, I can tell you girls are DRAMA! And it's just starting. I have figured out that what my daughter wants mostly from me is someone to listen. Don't worry too much - be there for HER. They can get you angry with a friend and 2 days later they are best friends again and you just don't get it. It is what it is.... love her up - she needs mom to listen.

Ok, first, she is at the age where kids will say anything to anyone else if it will make them look better "cooler" in the person's eyes that they are currently talking to. I am 21 years old and I remember doing the same sort of stuff. They don't mean hardly any of it and they deffinately don't mean to hurt their friends. I got into plenty of one or two day fights with my best friend in middle school and junior high. To this day she is still my best friend. 10 years of friendship and probably 50 arguments that neither one of us meant. Just tell your daughter that when her friend says anything ugly or not true to just smile, nod, and walk away, because in a couple of days it will have passed and they will be talking about whole new stuff. It would be very good for her to find a true best friend like I did while she is still young. Just don't let her take anything that other girl says to heart. One day they will look back and laugh. Try not to be all the way involved but make sure you are there for her. A girl needs her mother in her life to help make decisions, but not to make the decisions that controll her life. In other words, don't tell her exactly what to do step by step, but give her soothing words that will lead and encourage her to make good decisions on her own.