Why Is It I Am the Only One That Has to Change???????????

I think you will find that you are mad at him and when little things add up it comes out as yelling. I know that's how it is with me. When I take time to stop and rethink what is actually going on I tend to handle it better. Then I go tell hubby to get off his butt, it is time for him to participate in family time.

I think you need to take a step back. It's easy to focus on "he thinks I'm a bad mom" instead of "I know things can be better and I'm taking steps to change. Maybe I need to include not yelling."

1. Yelling can be something you do to get your daughter's attention sometimes, but if you find you are doing it all the time or it is your first reaction, try another route. Try counting to 10 first, for example. Try giving her a warning. Try taking a deep breath. Talk to your counselor about it. There's "NO, DD!" and then there's a 4 minute tirade. I'm not sure by what you post what you are doing.

2. Pills...I have family members who refused...refused...refused...until they were in some dark places. If you had a broken foot, you'd fix it, right? If you have a chemical imbalance, you should fix it. It's not about being a pill popper. It's a tool, like a cast. Don't look at medication, if you need it for a time, like it's the enemy. You want to get better, right? Consider all the tools available. My cousin took something for her post-partum depression while nursing her daughter. There are some available that are safer to take.

3. Tell your DH, "I've started the process of getting help, but I need your support. It will not change overnight. It is a process." Talk to your counselor about ways he could support you or ask for joint sessions where you can discuss your communication with him so he can respond to you in ways that are not demeaning and you can tell when he's being critical on a normal level or critical in an emotionally destructive level. If he tears you down a lot, it's a cycle. You feel bad, so you take it out on the kids or if he also tears down the kids, they act out...sometimes families have an initial target patient, but everyone has a part in the dance.

I think you are doing the right thing. Hang in there.

Ok slow down. You are not a bad mom. You are a stressed mom.

Being with little ones all day long can be stressful AND exhausting.
When did you have your last physical? Did you mention this to your physician? It sounds a bit like postpartum depression. This is a physical problem. It is due to your hormones from your pregnancy. They just have not evened out yet. There is no shame. It is a real physical problem for many women.

Depression does not mean weeping in a corner, it can be aggressive and short tempered. It also does not help that you probably have not had a good nights sleep in a long time and if you are breast feeding, it takes a very good diet and rest to keep up with this demand on your body. Depression sucks away your energy. This is a LOT of stress on your body. It needs some help to get back to its normal self.

It is very good you are going for help. This shows you probably have a small amount of depression.
Get past the "pill popping issue". If your children were ill and needed medication, would you deny it? Then why are you not willing to do the same for yourself? It is usually just temporary and I am telling you it will change your life for the better. You will find your real self again.

Take care of yourself and remember, your husband loves you. He wants you to be better. He knows you do not want to yell at your daughter, but he has noticed this change in you. He knows you wnt to be happy and not so stressed out.

How would this work? Say to hubby, "Sweetheart, you want me to change how I handle our daughter, and I am willing to work on that. Are you willing to work on how you try to handle me? I'm pretty sure it's adding to my stress to hear you criticize everything I do. Can we make an agreement to be on the same team, and work on giving positive and supportive messages to our children and each other? I'd really appreciate that."

I completely understand where you are coming from. I think you guys could benefit by going to counseling for you guys as a couple. I think that stress can add more stress to a marriage haha it is like a catch 22. Just try to set aside time for yourself every day (which is near impossible, I know!) but it can really help you. Maybe you can try taking a deep breath counting to 5 before you take any action when you are angry with your daughter. That might help as well. Good luck =)

I am sorry your going through this. You are probably not a bad mom, you are a mom who has her hands full with a 3 year old and a baby. No one is perfect. You acknowledge that yelling is not the answer.....but that is what you know right now while your getting some help. Maybe you need to just put her in a time out room that is safe and keep her away from the household for 5 min or so while you calm down and she is in time out. That could be a crib, or a safe place where she can not hurt herself. Eventually she will learn to not kick the baby. She is also acting out with the new little guy in the house.... it is not her and you anymore, she could feel threatened. When your calm and you have a good day, plea to your husband that you are hurting inside and need his support and not remarks. You can be strong, this will pass and the kids will obey and get older........but we moms do need to get a handle on things and be in control of our anger or it is modeling that for your child to act out that way when needed. I see you understand that.......... you need time to yourself, date nights and fun to fill your soul and to be able to be a good mom . Taking care of you first is the priority then your kids. I will pray for you.

I understand.
I think there are a couple of things here:
1) you are doing a lot. As a mom, we all do & are left holding the bag of
"Do It All".
2) I think the appointments you've made are a step in the right direction
3) We could all use some professional help (counseling)
4) We, as moms, could all use help! Period!
5) It is hard to change overnight. Change takes time so start down & remind yourself constantly (wear a rubberband on your wrist as a reminder)
6) I'm sure your husband isn't perfect.....as no one is.
7)Go to counseling. Ask for "mommy" classes, stress management classes and anger management classes, too. All worth looking into.
8) Count to 10 before responding/reacting to any situation (easier said than done)
9)Ask for help: from hubby, parents, friends etc. If someone offers to pick up something for you, let them.
10) Your husband doesn't get to decide that you need to be on a prescription pill.
11) Try and get a few mins to yourself a day. I know....easier said than done but if you could get 15 mins a day to start out with. I used to use nap time as "my time". That doesn't happen much any more so I changed it to a 30 min walk but that doesn't happen a lot. Then I went the time in the shower then w/15 mins in the afternoon (in the bathroom). Wherever I could steal a few mins when hubby got home.
12)Do something nice for yourself every day: pick a few wild flowers, take a longer shower than usual, shave your legs :), have a chocolate kiss, nap when you kids nap (or when baby naps & hv your older child rest
13)Read the funnies to make you laugh or turn on the comedy channel for 5 mins
14) Call a friend for quick "check in" sanity break
Hang in there. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Always count to 5 before really blowing your top. Remember in the end....it's not worth it.
Loving your kids is what is worth it. Best of luck to you & hugs!!!

If hubby is so knowledgeable in how to handle the kids then let him do it. Tell him since I am, in your opinion, doing such a bad job, you do it. Start planning activities that you will enjoy for the time when he is home. For instance you could take a class 2 nights a week and plan girls days out on Saturdays. Hubby needs a real wake up call. He needs to spend more time with the kids and see how difficult it is to juggle 2 kids, a baby who is mobile and gets into everything and a toddler who doesn't want her space invaded. Then get some laundry done and make a meal and clean up the kitchen, change diapers, make sure the toddler is getting to the potty on time and washing her hands, and keep the house in decent order ect ect ect. after a few weeks of trying to do it all he will see that it's not easy.

No matter what he should NEVER EVER NEVER put you down in front of the kids or anyone else. The kids need to see you as a united front.

If he makes you feel like sh** on a regular basis then he needs counseling on how to communicate. He is being an emotional and verbal abuser and that needs to stop.

I would bet the issues don't have much to do with your daughter.
She sees mommy mad at daddy, she has a brother so she kicks him, someitmes I bet you wish you could just kick daddy.
Let your counselor know what he is doing.
Start journaling every time he makes you feel rotten, also when he is supportive.

This sentence bothered me:

"I refuse to be a "pill popper" to be a happier person." But what if that is what you really need? Maybe you are depressed or suffer from anxiety. Maybe you are bipolar. Have you and your doctor ruled these things out? Maybe taking some medication would could help you in the short-term - get you over this "hump". Medication in moderation isn't something you should rule out.

That being said, my opinion is that you are angry with your husband and that's spilling over into your relationship with your kids. Your 3yr old sounds like a typical 3 yr old. Frustrating at times, but you shouldn't be yelling at her constantly (you probably don't either).

I think you need to find your voice and tell your husband that he isn't helping you. He sounds like he has is own issues and should be in counseling as well.

Good luck!

You can ask your husband to take a GIANT step back. You've aknowledged you want to work on yourself. So now he needs to give you the space to do that. When going through change, it is really tough to look at one's self and that takes huge, huge courage. You are right! It takes time and it takes understanding. You can ask him to please allow you this time and to be your partner, not your critic. If you can approach him with "I feel ___ when you ___." And then ask him for what you want, specifically. Kudos!!! Fantastic mamas know their not perfect and want to do be better for themselves and their children!

I yelled and swat my kids when I felt it was appropriate. ALL of my kids turned out fine. If my three year old (that's shouldn't be "IF", it should be "whenever") I would yell at the hitter or kicker. If they kept it up, I would swat them. They learned if they gave pain, they got pain. That stopped the giving and receiving pain, quickly.

People the world over are motivated by pain and pleasure. If adults break the rules, they are given pain by all societies. (Speed and get a ticklet. Drive DUI and get a more expensive ticket. In Germany, the price of the ticket is based on your income. Running a stop sign for a poor man might be $100, but it made news when a very rich man got a ticket and it was over $100,000.) If Bill Gates got a ticket for $400, he would only smile and pay for it with spare change. I would have to eat beans and potatoes for a month or more.

The key with yelling or spanking your kids is to spend time giving them love and hugs when they are past the tears. Re-inforce your love with the words, "I love you, but you are not allowed to do ____", and then give them hugs. Of course you should tell them and show them your love on a regular basis.

When my kids reached their tweens and teens, they would ask that I drive them here and there or give them a this or a that. When they did, the answer was "No" if they didn't use "please" and "thank you". If they did ask properly, I would ask they knew why I was letting them have the keys to the car or taking them into town or what ever. If they said, "because you love me", then I knew they knew. If they said "I don't know", I would tell them, "Because I love you." Sometimes I would give them a hug.

That was positive re-inforcement and I think is part of the reason my kids and I have good relationships.

Good luck to you and yours.

Good for getting help! Thats hard as a parent to admit they could do better! When my son was diagnosed as bipolar I had to come to that realization myself and I took parenting classes on how to deal with a child like him. It broke my heart that I yelled at him. It's tough being a parent and I'm sure your a great mom! And your husband needs to lay off!

I had a lot to change that I did not realize until after I got married, I believe that we as spouses are suppose to hold up a mirror up to each other and help each other to better ourselves for ourselves.....

I had a bad habit of not following up after our girls and they were able to get away with a LOT, and sometime they got away with things that were hurting them IE: school work ect.... My husband was the one to show me what I was doing and of course I gave him flack for him showing me, like how dare he? but once I started to see myself what was happening I knew I had to change. I CHOOSE TO CHANGE BY MAKING DIFFERENT CHOICES and that happens one day at a time. Some things are done by habbit forming so you have to remember that it is not the best way and choose to react or respond differently.

To answer your question is change has to start somewhere and when you choose to change by making different choices you change the envioroment around you.

I am dealing with change as well, good luck you can make it happen for you!

I have to wonder if the problem lies with an unsupportive, verbally and emotionally abusive husband. You cannot win with them...unless he *wants* to change. Sure, maybe you could be doing things differently, but really, he needs to take ownership with his part. This is why a family is considered a "unit." I hope he will attend the counseling as well.

I think it's a super step in the right direction to get help for your anger and stress issues. I would be mad at my ex-husband if he yelled at my daughter all day and would want to go into protective mode. I always found it to be successful to explain with love to get my daughter to behave properly, she was/is very reasonable. I feel (for my daughter) it is best to communicate with mutual respect, my parents yelled and I just wanted to tune them out. Best of luck to build a happy family.

Tell your husband he needs to either find a better wife, and say goodbye to his family or support the one he has. The more he harps on you and complains about you and criticizes you: the more problems your daughter will have, the more bad behaviors she will have and the more stress you will have. As Marda P. said the most important thing a dad can do is support the Mom. The best thing he can do right now is model for your daughter a peaceful and loving way to communicate. Every time he criticizes you in front of her Say in a nice voice "Can you please show us what peaceful loving communication sounds like?" Did his father always yell at his mother?? Did your parents always yell ? Are you both falling back on what you experienced as children??
For help on yelling less I recommend you read 1,2, 3 Magic it is about disciplining with less talking(yelling) For instance you dont need to say NO hitting, hitting is bad, I told you already six times today, how would you feel if baby hit you? Just say Time Out for hitting. For less offensive behaviors you say "No slamming doors" say it one time if it happens again you count one, two three if she doesnt stop she goes to time out. NO more discussing. If your husband doesnt like yelling he needs to be a model of loving communication