How Do I Stop My Husband from Calling the Kids Names and Yelling All the Time?

Updated on March 27, 2019
V.H. asks from Richmond, IN
11 answers

I am severly depressed so I dont know if this is causing a lot of our marriage problems or not and maybe I am over reacting to things causing things to become worse.

What can I do next?

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answers from Norfolk on

Get some family counseling.
All of it needs to be addressed.
His yelling, your depression, the effect all this is having on the kids.
You don't want them growing up to be thinking that this is what passes for normal.
They will repeat this pattern in their adult lives if you don't deal with this now.
It's just no way to be living a happy family life.

I'd be careful about assuming any blame for the yelling your husband does.
He's an adult and needs to act like one.
He's not some puppet where you put words in his mouth.
His yelling is HIS yelling and he needs to own that and take some anger management to get it under control.
You need to see a doctor and get your depression treated.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

There's not much info to go on here, but:
1) Yes, being depressed can cause strain in a marriage. However, existing strain in a marriage can also cause depression. Depression is an illness and it deserves to be treated as seriously as any medical illness. So please see your doctor and talk about the best way to proceed.
2) A yelling spouse/parent is very difficult to cope with. Someone who calls the kids (or you) names is a huge problem - that erodes the children's sense of self and sense of worth. It's incredibly ineffective as a disciplinary technique. Maybe your husband is also depressed and lashing out? Maybe he's an angry and vindictive guy? I don't know.
3) Saying that you are overreacting and making things worse sounds like something he may have accused you of - am I correct that he is doing this? That's just as bad a name-calling and it has the effect of undermining your own sense of self and sense of worth. So I'd get marriage counseling, and if he won't go, then I'd suggest you at least go yourself.

Without placing blame or accepting fault, get help. Even flight attendants say to "put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping those around you." So do that. You're worth it, and from your description, you're the only one worried about your kids' mental health and emotional wellbeing.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

i'd be depressed too if my children were being verbally assaulted and i lived in a shout-box.

what steps have you taken so far? counseling? sitting down with your husband when he's calm? trying to set boundaries? it's hard to know with so little info.

but one thing i do know is that while you cannot make your husband do anything, you can sure as hell step up and protect your children.

if the depression is severe and making you feel helpless and trapped, keep that first and foremost in your mind. your number one job as a mother is to protect your kids. do that. if that means throwing the bum out, or taking the kids and leaving, screw up your courage and do it.

if you feel this will put you and the kids in physical danger, start squirreling away your resources and go TODAY to talk to a women's shelter. start making your plan of escape.

the only wrong answer is to remain in an abusive situation and let it become the norm for your kids.

my best to you.


8 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

There was a question the other day like this - a grandmother who babysat a yeller.

I can't tell from your question (short) if your husband is stressed ... or what the deal is. How are you all coping? Do you have support? Are you in treatment?

It sounds like you all need help. More info if you want more helpful answers.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Your husband is an adult and responsible for his actions. He chooses to yell. You describe stress and depression. That is contributing to family difficulties. However family difficulties cannot be blamed for his choice to yell. Even if you're overreacting he still has a choice of how he's going to react It's on him. He chooses to respond to stress with anger. Both of you need help to resolve the issues causing anger and depression. Would he go to an anger management class if you suggest it as a way to help himself and his children? I urge you to talk with your doctor about your depression. He may be able to prescribe an antidepressant which could help you be aware of what you could do. See a counselor to help you deal with your depression and his anger. If he will go, good. If not, you still go.

You cannot make him stop yelling at the kids. He has to want to stop and be willing to learn skills to manage his anger.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

There is so much information that is not here.

Are you getting help for your depression? If not, why?
How old are your children?
What "names" does your husband call them?
What is going on when your husband is yelling and calling names?

You are NOT "over reacting" if your husband is calling your kids names like stupid, incompetent, and a whole slew of other words. Since you didn't state what he says, we can only guess.

What has triggered your husband's yelling? Has he been a yeller your whole marriage or is this new?

In order to fix the situation and stop the yelling and name calling? You need to seek the help of a psychologist to treat your depression. You MUST get treatment and take medications to help with the depression. Then the whole family MUST go to therapy. It does work. My family had to go to therapy after we moved to Georgia. It worked for us.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on


Welcome to mamapedia!!

You need to see a doctor about your depression. Since you know you are depressed, you need help. Just telling everyone you are depressed doesn't fix the situation nor you. You need help.

Since I don't know what "names" your husband calls the kids and how old your kids are. It truly sounds like the whole family needs counseling and therapy. Sounds like there is stress everywhere and no one is working to fix it - but to scream their way out of it or hide behind the curtain of depression. Sorry - not trying to be mean or rude - but you acknowledge your depressed, stop hiding behind it and DO something about it!!

Good luck!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

He sounds abusive, so I cannot blame you for feeling depressed. If you still love him and think this is something that can be worked out or if it's a new issue, I suggest marriage counseling (the counselor might also suggest anger management and family counseling) but if not, you might want to think about getting a divorce. Sorry, it's probably not what you'd like to hear. Kids should not grow up being bullied by those who are supposed to love them and protect them. I think it does kids a horrible disservice to grow up in an abusive household where their mother is depressed and helpless, due to the situation. It will eventually make you an angry person where you end up lashing out someday, or it will worsen your depression to the point you may end up addicted to things like alcohol or drugs to ease the pain, and tune out the kids due to feeling empty and numb inside. Please seek help.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

Your husband is a big bully. You need to call him out on his cruel behavior.

When he goes off in front of the kids tell them “look children your father is throwing another temper tantrum”

“People call each other names when they feel bad about themselves. This is what bullies do”

I bet your father grew up being called names and was yelled and screamed at....

Empower yourself and your children to call him out on what he is doing.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

I'd say it's time to look at all angles of this whole thing. find the root of all his anger. AND your depression. Are you depressed mostly about what's going on in your household? He may be stressed out from work or something else. I don't know what he's yelling at the kids for or what he's calling them, buthe must be very frustrated at them. They probably see it, but either have grown deaf to it, gotten used to it, or just plain need some discipline. I wish I could observe the situation. How is he toward you? I don't think you are over reacting to this, because it is NOT a healthy environment. How do you treat him? If he seems stressed I would try to see what makes him blow up and silently step in ahead of time to fix it. Kids leave toys/clothes all over the house? If that's the case I would try waiting till the kids are in a quiet mood and approach them. Ask what they think of dad when he yells and calls them names/how it makes them feel. If they say they feel bad, ask them if they want things to be better. And ask them if they wouldn't rather have dad be happy and that everybody would be happier. Right now they could be so mad at him that they don't care how he feels. They could even wish bad things would happen to him.

There are some things going on here. They should be obedient, yes, but he shouldn't be provoking them. Can you try to get them to come out with how they feel AND if they want to see change. Then plan and put into action your new ideas.

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