Do You Yell?

Updated on May 22, 2013
C.V. asks from Jefferson City, MO
39 answers

In a completely separate group, a mom asked the following question:

"Here's my issue: I have an anger problem. I just get so infuriated at the things my kids and husband do. My biggest problem is that I can control this anger just fine while out in public, but not at home. Why is it that I can keep myself from having outbursts outside of home but cannot control myself from getting into fights with my husband or yelling at my kids?"

I responded that it is a respect issue. She respects the opinions of stangers more than she respects her family. She is choosing to treat her family with less respect than she does strangers. It is a choice, and she can choose differently.

I was immediately attacked by other women who insisted that her behavior was normal....because they all yell at their families or lose their tempers for various reasons.

My opinion is that it might be normal in their families, but it's not healthy and I don't agree with it. Just because something is the norm doesn't mean it is right. I think that the reasons they give are poor excuses for poor behavior. It's not okay to treat your family poorly just because they're related to you and have to put up with your sh*t.

What do you think? What's the dynamic with your family? If this is the norm for you....are you okay with maintaining that status quo, or are you working to change it?

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So What Happened?

Bug, you hit the nail on the head!

Tat2d~2~B~amuse: Now THAT is a legit reason for angry outbursts. I commend you for the work you are doing to heal, and I love that your family is learning healthy coping mechanisms. ♥

Terri, My kids are 10 and 12. Boys. Trust me, I've had situations where I've yelled to get their attention, calling them across the house, to warn of danger, etc. But I don't yell when I'm angry. Ever. It doesn't make me better than anyone...I just don't like to yell. I find that it reduces the effectiveness of my message.

Does that mean I've NEVER said anything regretful that I've had to apologize for? Of course not. I've said some pretty mean, hurtful things. But I don't make excuses for saying them. I own my poor words, no matter how tired, frustrated, or angry I might get.

Way to go, Jill. We have a winnah! You got me. I just want to be validated. Poor, poor pitiful me.

This is clearly an issue for many, just based upon the emotionally charged responses. That's awesome. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Yes, I do have an opinion. It's allowed and I'm pretty sure it's not in the MMP TOU that we can't post questions based upon our opinions. I just find it contradictory that people insist they're respecting their family by only treating them with disrespect in private. That's my opinion. People have different understandings of how respect is defined, perhaps.

Best to all of you.

ETA: Isn'tthisfun: The main point of my post is not JUST about yelling (which I don't do). It's about losing your temper to the point where you cannot control yourself from getting into fights with your husband or yelling at your kids. It's about LOSING CONTROL.

It's one thing to yell across the house to get attention. Or to raise your voice after telling your child 50 times to stop messing with that thingamajig. It's another to completely lose your sh*t and go off in an angry tantrum because you can't control yourself.

I DO treat my family better than ANYONE else. Always. Believe what you like. They are my priority.

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answers from Miami on

I think the key there is the "anger". My mother was a yeller, but she's a loud person in general and it was never in a fit of rage or anger. My father.. wouldn't raise his voice EVER unless we were in danger. My college roommate was Italian and they ALL yell. They yell all the time, but there was so much love there.

We don't yell, well occasionally. In general, though, I have found that yelling doesn't work with my children (or me). My husband was a yeller and it didn't work for us. We have worked together to get him to control his responses and he actually prefers himself as a "non-yeller".

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Wausau on

My stepfather was a constant yeller. Not a bad man, not physically abusive, just super loud with a hot temper. Yelling all the time for every little thing creates a fearful household.

It took years before he finally got help. I was grown and out of the house. I can't remember what the issue was, or what kind of medication he started taking, but the change was dramatic. Being unable to control herself at home would suggest a psych problem that extends beyond a simple respect issue.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Yep, I yell. It has NOTHING to do with respect or lack there of. I will yell at my child doing something wrong.. in public or at home.

MY MIL on the other hand has never yelled, and her youngest kid.. He is a very rough challenge for her these days. He will not go to school, he has anxiety because she say no to him etc.. she always gave into him.. if she had 3 dollars left in her account , she spent it on him. She never told him no or went agianst him even when he was disrespecting her by not listening or doing his own thing on his own time table. She stopped me for yelling at my 2 year old who ran in the street.. "Because the neighbors were watching" I was very frustrated with her, since then my son knows that she will "save him" and he acts aweful when around her ...

What type of yelling are you talking about? Screaming NO or thier name .. or are you infering calling somone a SOB etc.. I do nto see how calling my childs name, or NO, STOP etc. is disrespectful. I do see the need for discpline, discpline is in many forms. Or you will get my BIL (16 right now) and that is not good either.

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answers from New York on

This strikes me as one of those "questions" that really is just a way for you to illustrate how much better you are. Do I yell sometimes? - yes. Big deal. Maybe I and others do plenty of other things better than you - or just differently. My parents yelled and I am perfectly happy with how I turned out. They didn't yell all the time nor do I. It has nothing to do with respect. As some others said, it has to do with privacy and being more comfortable with family. And I will yell at my child in public if he or she does something dangerous. Typically there's just less to yell about in public. ie: I yell sometimes when the kids just are not listening to go to bed or they don't come down to dinner after 5 polite announcements. Those types of scenarios don't happen in public. In fact, like me, I think my kids are more polite or better behaved in public too so it is logical there is less to yell about then. Huge rages and constant yelling I agree are not good. But occassional loss of temper, while not something to strive for, doesn't deserve the contempt you show unless you actually are the one perfect wife and mother in the world. Why ask this question? You don't really want an answer different than your opinion.

19 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I am a yeller too--wish it wasn't true, but it is. My mom was a yeller, as was my grandma. I'm constantly working on it, but who of us is perfect? I'd venture to say that there are times that you haven't been the perfect parent either, or have done something that you aren't proud of that negatively impacted your family.

I don't yell in public because other parents are incredibly judgmental and TALK/gossip. It has nothing to do with respecting strangers more than I respect my family.

ETA: I guess I can breathe easier now, because I have NEVER said anything mean or hurtful to any of my kids, but, yes, I yell. My oldest is only 6, so I am pretty sure that I won't escape without ever hurting their feelings with my words.

15 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I don't know many people who'll scream at their kids & spouse in public (some do) but I think most of us will lose it at home. Why? The same reason our kids are so good at school and then meltdown at home. It's the unconditional love thing. We know we are loved in our home, with our family - but we don't feel that same security out in the world. It's a pretty accurate perception most of the time.

The difference is that if we as adults can't control our emotions, anger, frustration - how can we expect our kids will ever learn to? Kids learn much more by what's "caught" than what's "taught". They model our behavior so if we flip out at little things we shouldn't be surprised when they do too.

I think we do this self-talk and depending on what we're telling ourselves we will respond accordingly. Most of the time when I have one of those meltdowns (screaming at the kids or my husband) it's becuase I'm feeling sorry for myself - (poor me, "nobody does anything around here but me", or "it's not fair that I'm the one "stuck" with the kids for so many hours while he gets to go to a hockey game with his friends", "Sally has a cleaning lady and her house never looks like this disaser that I have to come home to", etc.)

So I have to change my self-talk. If I'm having a managable day I'll realize it. I have to step back and regroup - tell myself that I'm still more fortunate than 2/3 of the world. That my kids are healthy, that I have a job and a good husband and a home that keeps out the rain and the cold. I have to remind myself that my relationship with my kids and my husband is more important than the house being a pigsty or the dishes in the sink, etc. But I confess that I also have those days when I don't want to be mature and grown up and I don't want to tell myself that's I'm a lucky woman. Instead I want to wallow in self-pity - and those are the days that I lose it. At almost 54 I can report that it happens less all the time - but there are more deep stresses at this age (parenting teenagers, aging & dying parents, sickness, job loss, etc.) and all of the years getting to this point have helped grow me to the more mature version of me. (That's a good thing becuase we've all experienced the 60 yr old version of a narciccistic teenager!)

You're right, the yelling isn't healthy but it is tough to break the habit (especially if it's the kind of household you grew up in). But I don't think it's a lack of respect - it's about who you think will love you no matter what.

Deep sigh - we are flawed and I think most of us do the best we can do in our parenting - I pray that God's grace will cover all the rest. ;o)

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

Yep/ Yep, I do.

I then retreat back into my head and calm the F'' down. Then I apologize for speaking and treating my husband and kids that way.

I have PTSD and a Social Anxiety disorder that can become incredibly severe at times. I am newly medicated for it within the last three months. This has made a world of difference for me. First time ever I have felt 200% ok with needing to have my medication to help maintain a calmer me.

I hate hearing a nasty tongued mother or father screaming at their child(ren). No child should be treated that way. If they are that nasty in public, imagine the home life.

I think there is a big difference that should be brought to attention.

I stern raised voice to grab attention is one thing. A yell, scream or swear words and other nasties is totally different.

A stern voice is a means to discipline verbally to some degree. Not to break the childs mental/emotional security of being loved and accepted.

Sadly my patience, tolerance for annoying stuff and ability to ignore are determined by my daily pain levels(fibro, chronic herniated discs and permanently broken tailbone flipped the wrong way....this and the mental health issues I face are all related to 2010 accident).

There is never a good enough excuse for my feelings and behaviors.

I live day to day hoping I do nothing to trigger what I call my ''rage'' moments. Which are me at my worst.

Some day I hope to be able to say I am no longer affected by those things, in those abusive ways. My husband and I go to counseling to make sure that while I am still finding my way with all this he does not start resenting me for the things I say sometimes. I get trapped in my brain. I get scared and retreat inward.

We have a plan of attack when my rages become suicidal as they can from time to time.

We have a do not respond when I get nasty to my husband for whatever reason. Which is do not respond or feed the meanie.

My kids know when mommy is having a trouble day that they need to just hang out away from me and if they need anything they go to dad until I have worked through whatever it was I was working through.

I also can get acute panic attacks that can momentarily freeze me up and freak me out. I become very emotional. Which can sometimes freak the kids out. They are learning how they can help calm mommy down when those moments happen.

I hate that I have to live with these conditions. I am forever researching and trying new ways to coupe and live without any side effects of them!

14 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I don't see how doing something at home that you don't do in public means you respect your family less.
I mean, if I'm pissed at my husband in the middle of Costco I'm not going to start arguing with him there I'm going to wait until we get home, that's just called good manners. Why would I subject a bunch of strangers to our personal private disagreement?
And no, I'm not really a yeller, but I'm not perfect, and I HAVE yelled and lost my temper more times than I'd like to admit. I bet that's the point those women were trying to make.
And I also bet your kids are still little, I'm pretty sure you don't have tweens/teens yet otherwise you would be more understanding.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

I think the reason you got "attacked" for your response was your choice of words. It is not a matter of respect most of the time, it may very well be a matter of comfort level. You can let go, lose control (in both good and bad ways) and really be yourself when you are with people you feel safe with. Does that mean it is okay to constantly yell and be angry? Of course not. But the fact that most of us do yell from time to time does not mean we lack respect, it means we feel safe to express even scary and negative things at times and we know they will still love us, and us them when they show the same.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

I do yell. I wish I didn't, and it's something I definitely want to work on. The thing is, sometimes my kids don't take me seriously unless I yell. Now, yes, I realize that's my fault. Again, it's something I am working on.

Whether it's normal or not I couldn't say. I've never asked my friends, because that would mean admitting that I have a problem. I might, but I'm not really ready to admit it!

It's not about respect. I'm actually kind of insulted that you would think that. It's not that I respect other people more or that I don't respect my family. It's that when we are at home with our families, we are more relaxed and less concerned about what other people think.

I would say that the negative reaction you got from the other ladies had more to do with them being personally insulted and less to do with whether or not it's healthy. I think they were just trying to let you know that this is something that moms struggle with.

We all lose our tempers sometimes. We are all human. Maybe yelling isn't something you struggle with, but I'm sure there are things you do struggle with. I think if someone called you out on something you struggle with, you might get defensive as well.

Cut them some slack. They're only human.

13 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I can yell. However, I TRY really hard not to. I agree with you - it's a respect thing.

I try NOT to. Doesn't mean I don't. It usually happens when I have asked my boys to do something more than twice. Then I get upset. Overall I have good kids. But like everyone else- they have their moments...and days...and since my oldest is a teenager - uuuuuuurrrrrggggghhh!! the angst!! :)

I take a deep breath...let it out slowly...I count. I love to count. It really does work. And yes, I can count's the cheerleader in me!! LOL! Even when we are school events - they may ask me to get the room in voice can be VERY strong. LMAO!!! :) and carries...go figure!!

As my boys get older - I find myself taking more deep breaths...I also play it in my head...what if my mom was watching? what about my friend? what about a stranger? if I imagine others watching me? It gives me the needed space to not let the anger or frustration to get the best of me.

Hope that helps!

13 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

yes I yell. not all the time and I don't love yelling. I don't think it's great. I have gotten alot better about yelling than I was in the past, because I did not feel proud of myself for doing it.

I do not yell in public much - I don't think it's "respect" - it's embarassment, and what would others think of you.

Just like you might not fart or poop in public...

12 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

I used to have a yelling problem but I completely agree with you. It's not healthy even if it is "common."

I grew up in a yelling home, and my parents are good people. They were just doing what was done to them probably.

You're absolutely right - if you don't do it in public you care more what strangers think than you do hurting your kids'/spouse's feelings. That is a logical conclusion. Or else you feel "safe" doing it at home. Neither one is good.

IMHO the true source of yelling is anger which is based in fear. Fear of losing control, losing love, losing adulation . . . whatever. Get a handle on your deep fears and you get a handle on yelling. I did that with a very good counselor and it helped me tremendously. My biggest motivation was to avoid hurting my kids, and preventing them from coming to me with problems.

Love truly does change people sometimes. It is the strongest force in the world. But fear and love can't co-exist very well. I never want my kids to fear me. My love for them changed me (with help).

Great question. As far as that person's angry reaction goes - guess you hit close to home.

ETA: Except under relatively rare circumstances, yelling is emotional "poop." If you wouldn't poop in public don't poop on your family either. It's extremely corrosive and it stinks.

ETA2: It most certainly *is* a respect issue. Your children are people and deserve basic human respect and appropriate boundaries.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Sure I lose it and yell sometimes. Do I like it? No. But I don't beat myself up over it, because it's not really a part of who I am on MOST days.

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answers from Washington DC on

Who doesn't behave differently at home and in public? At home there are not the same expectations, norms, boundaries, etc. that there are in public. I'm not condoning yelling mind you, but just last night I said, "SS!!" in exasperation because he broke my mug. If we were in a restaurant, I would have been unlikely to yell that cross the room.

If you never ever yell in anger, then kudos to you. I try not to. But I do sometimes and there's a line between yelling all the time and being abusive and not yelling at all and not expressing any frustration and anger. If my kid breaks my stuff, pees on the floor, has to be told 50 times...I'm going to be impatient. It also matters WHAT you say at that volume. "My new mug is ruined and I am angry!" is different than "My new mug is ruined. You are an idiot who can't do anything right. I hate you."

And sometimes waiting til you are home IS respect. Some conversations need to be done in private vs making a spectacle of yourself and your child. Once my mom had to pick me up from a party. Long story short, even though I hadn't done anything "bad" per se, she was still angry. And she waited til we got into the car with the doors shut to tell me how angry she was. She didn't do it in front of my friends, for which I am grateful.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Fargo on

I love, love, LOVE this question!!! I have the propensity to yell, and I work very hard to honor, respect, and love my family by maintaining self control.

It's NOT healthy, and shouldn't be normal. A thousand flowers for your post!

Added- And a giant hug for Tat2d..... you are a rockstar. :)

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Neither my husband nor I are yellers. It simply isn't the way we were raised, and it isn't our nature, so we never yell. Because of that, our children aren't yellers. I'm very pleased by that. We have a peaceful, respectful household. Of course we disagree sometimes, but those disagreements are resolved in a respectful manner.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I do yell. I don't like it. I'm working on it.

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answers from Los Angeles on

Sure, I yell. Not all the time, but yeah, when I get frustrated it happens. Judging by the responses below, it looks like *most* of us are guilty of it. Then I calm down, apologize and move on. I'm not perfect and no one else is, either. I'm guessing you came off as judgmental within your other group and that's why you received the responses that you did. Just a guess.

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answers from St. Louis on

I yell at my kids as much in public as I do at home. I also, always!, apologize for yelling, not the anger that caused it but my poor response. Sometimes they just get me in just the right way at the right time and I yell.

I am not sure if it is a matter of respect though, I would see it as a matter of perception. They want everyone in public to see them as perfect but could care less if their family knows it, which I suppose is respect.

Okay, carry on.... :)
Oh wow, that doesn't sound right. I don't yell often, it is just where I am at has no bearing on whether I yell. Usually it has to do with knee pain....

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answers from Kansas City on

but by your definition, if yelling is about lacking self control, why aren't all the yellers beating up their kids and spouses?

i think yelling is a natural emotional reaction. MAYBE, in a perfect world no one would (although that would get mighty boring imo). but life is rarely perfect. i'll take occassional yelling and then making up and everyone knowing how much they are loved, over cold stony silence, any day.

i think each family is different and there is no "normal". there are healthy yellers and dysfunctional yellers. and yes, you are sounding very judgy. sorry. i see why they attacked you.

PS, the reason i don't yell in public is because strangers don't know me - and as you have shown, they would judge me as "unhealthy" and "wrong". my family knows, loves, and respects me, and i can be honest. if i feel like yelling, i might yell. it has happened. they still know i love and respect them, too.

PPS, this question occurs to me similar to the parent who just can't understand spanking, EVER, in ANY situation. sooo... what do you do when they up the ante and "kinder" methods don't cut it???? either your children have never really pushed you, or they are allowed to do anything, with no boundaries. those are the only ways, i can see, that a mom could get by without yelling, ever. and i'm sure i could be wrong. just like you could be (you could, you know)...just food for thought!

sorry, last ETA - i think some of the confusion, as someone said, is that you are making broad judgmental generalizations about "yelling" - when in fact, there are as many types of "yellers" as there are stars in the sky. that's really the issue, i think. you're passing judgment on something you don't do, you aren't around - or if you have been, it's been a small sampling of what yelling CAN be. honestly i think you should just consider the possibility that what goes on in others' houses is none of your business and you don't know anything about it. so there's no sense in making ANY kind of judgment call, "healthy" or "unhealthy", "normal" or "abnormal".

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answers from Philadelphia on

I dont yell per se but I talk in a firmer somewhat louder not nice voice when I want Emmy to listen and I'm frustrated (moreso frunting my teeth together and speaking in an annoyed voice) or if she's in danger I do full on yell as in Emmmmyyyy stop right there! but thats more out of being scared she will get hurt
She thinks the firm voice is yelling too though.

She did write on her last page in her mothers day book in school (i should add for my sake that there were lots of pages on my awesomeness and how fun i am)
:"I know my mommy loves M. because she Yells"
then after a cartoon she drew of M. yelling at her in the street then the words really tiny
for safety reasons
ugh...thanks a lot stinker=)

I do tend to yell/talk firm in the morning on the occassions when I'm in a rush, as in Emmy come onnnnnn lets go, we have to leave...then she gets distracted by a flower to pick as the bus is going by and I yell emmmmmy now or there will be consequences!
I do realize that though and most times will offer to race her rather then being bitchy to her
I yell the same at home as in public

I do however apologize for yelling and explain how sometimes I react wrong

ETA I grew up like glawaygirl did so yelling was very much a part of how i was raised and I try my hardest not to slip into primal instincts

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Honestly, sometimes, yes, I yell. I don't feel great about it; the only time I feel it's justified is if there's a safety issue at hand.

I have learned that when I want my son's attention, it's nearly always better to whisper. I have been using a LOT of "I feel (emotion) when...." statements, which work better. But sometimes, just walking out of the room is better, too. I grew up in a household where yelling, verbal insults, derision, lecturing and such were pretty commonplace, so I am actively trying to make our household a more harmonious and loving one. I have found that less talking and simply a short, stern "enough is enough: If you do X, Y will happen" is much better and crystal clear for Kiddo.

With my husband, there are some things I've really had to pull back on and let go of, and I try very hard to either have the good, hard talk about what's going on or to suggest that we get some help with figuring out the problem.

I think people tend to shut down when they are being yelled at, so from a purely pragmatic standpoint, it's not a progressive thing to do and it's likely not going to elicit a willingness to cooperate and to see my perspective, but more likely to get compliance just so to make the yeller shut up and stop being mad. Self-preservation instead of full participation.

I'm far from perfect and actively working on keeping my emotions in check, speaking respectfully at all times (even when I'm furious) and trying to deescalate situations before they get big. That said, there are a few bad hormonal days every so often when I do wish I could just go live in another house, esp. when I see my son dropping sandwich crumbs all over a newly-swept floor. There's an undeniable sense of futility then which is soul-killing, sometimes. I've decided to handle this by handing more responsibility back to him and making him clean up more of his messes and help out more. If you can't be bothered to eat over the table after a couple reminders, you may most certainly grab a broom and dustpan.

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answers from Chicago on

Do I yell? Yes. I'm not perfect and neither is my kid. If she was perfect then I wouldn't need to yell! LOL!

Yelling happens. It is a perfectly NORMAL way of expressing your emotions. If I've gotten to the point of yelling, that means that other methods haven't worked. There are 2 sides to this, perhaps the other person needs to learn some control as well.

Yelling is normal in my family. We're loud and emotional in both postiive and negative ways. It's not really a big deal.

In our family, we recognize that everyone is HUMAN, that we have limits/tolerances and that none of us are perfect. There is no way to raise a child and be perfect at it. We all have our "buttons." Perhaps yelling is a button to some people, I don't really think it's a button for us.

I can't stand kids with dirty faces. That's my button. Clean your face! See? We're all different and we could all use a little tolerance for the ways that other people handle their loved ones.

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answers from New York on

I don't yell and neither does anyone else in our family. I might get stern or frustrated but there is never any reason to yell. Treat your family with respect because you reap what you sow.

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answers from Washington DC on

We can be yellers in my house. Its something that we work on constantly. I think a *little* yelling can be healthy, as long as its done correctly. You cannot yell to belittle or hurt someone, and you cannot use mean or abusive words. But sometimes it is possible that a family member has done something that deserves a little yelling. Bottling everything up is not good either. Its all about balance. Everyone deals with their emotions a little differently.

I always like your responses to questions here on MP. Its clear to me that you are a thoughful and kind person. I think perhaps where you went wrong on this particular answer is that your statement comes off as judgemental in that you made a sweeping generalization that parents that yell dont respect their kids. *Most* mothers do yell from time to time, and they also consider themselves to be good mothers, so they probably felt a bit insulted.

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answers from Salinas on

I think how we express ourselves has a lot to do with temperament and personality. My family is very expressive in all ways. We are highly affectionate, supportive, we use terms of endearment and yes sometimes we yell. I'm not ALWAYS proud of my behavior but honestly some of the meaner things I've said in my life, the things I really regret, were said in an even voice. When I do raise my voice in anger it's rare enough to get attention of the kids, I'm not one to lose it often but when I do they know I'm mad.

You can't just take raising your voice as always being a bad thing. The same voice I might raise to get a kids attention at home is also used to yell support and positive encouragement at a softball game. My kids know I'm the one who will yell for every kid and smile and yell "good try" even if they strike out. I'm sure a lot of Mom's who never yell out of anger wouldn't yell in the positive ways too, it's just not their way.

Being loud does not mean you don't respect our family, everyone has different ways of expressing themselves saying it's NEVER healthy to yell is a bit overboard. The really quiet non emotional families seem a bit unhealthy to me at times but it's likely that I just can't relate. For our family expressing a range of emotions appropriate to the situation seems very healthy.

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answers from New York on

NOPE not a yeller. I wasn't raised by yellers. I always tell the story of the time I asked for two or three things after I went to bed (wasn't done in those days I guess) and I clearly remember my father coming up the stairs and saying "Oh for Pete's Sake" not in a loud voice but sounding annoyed.
I knew he was SO mad and I was gonna feel so bad for upsetting him SO much! I knew because he mildly said "for Pete's Sake" which he rarely said!!
My parents taught me that you can be strict parents without yelling.
when my hubby raises his voice I get very upset, and I keep reminding him you grew up in a loud family (of nine) and I grew up in a quiet family.
We are from different cultures. My siblings and I were much better behaved then he and his siblings!

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answers from Houston on

Yup, I yell...unfortunately.... But, I do yell less than I used to. I don't yell in public bc I am more on my guard at all times, I don't let myself relax in the same way as at home. I don't think it is bc I respect strangers more, but rather that they don't love me like my family does and may think I am always a jerk! But you do make a good point I think that it sucks to treat strangers better than your own kids and husband! Now I have taken spells do 'trying' not to yell, when I have done this my family gets scared, lol ;). They know the blow up is coming! Trying to stuff anger for me is like living with a stack of dynamite strapped to my chest and a match in my pocket, it's dangerous!!!! What I have been learning is to identify triggers that send me over the edge. Like extreme fatigue is a big one. I work really hard for my family,but sometimes I push extra hard for a time and it takes a toll. When I get tired, I yell. So, like today for example, I took a sanity day :). I told the kids we are taking a day off school, we home school, and we are driving across town to see a friend and her new baby. I actually told them I wasn't going to spend a day yelling bc I am super tired, they were happy! One day off school will do no harm and my brain can regroup :) I also can't function in a super messy house, so while I am 'off' today, I still made quick work of laundry and dishes this morning so I won't feel stressed looking at a mess, but I didn't strip beds, mop, vacuum etc etc etc. Just the minimum. I think identifying triggers is so important, so you can help yourself calm down before you are at boiling points. Do I still yell, yeah sometimes. But I am trying to learn to del with my emotions better. Now the hubs and I never yell in front of the kids bc we made a choice years ago not to fight in front of them, that decision has forced us to cool off before talking things through, lifesaver.... So I think yelling is normal but not optimal basically and all of us are a work in progress!

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answers from Washington DC on

of course it's not healthy, but i doubt it's that she respects strangers more than her family. we just have a comfort level with our family that permits worse behavior. it's weird, but it's true. our families and loved ones are (or should be, to some degree), a 'safe' place for us to blow.
we're not yellers here at all, but that doesn't mean i haven't lost it and yelled.
boy, your SWH is awfully defensive! did you have a specific response in mind that you are eliciting?

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answers from Columbia on

I find that lowering my voice and speaking in a measured, controlled tone works way better at least with my child. I don't like yelling, and I don't like being yelled at. Yes, there have been times when it's gotten loud in my house and any one of the three of us has lost our mind and gotten angry, but it doesn't happen often. And honestly, I don't think it really gets the job done. We all feed off each other and it just makes the situation worse. When my husband and I tussle, yelling doesn't often happen either. We may raise our voices, but it's not yelling. Regardless, I think you can have the same conversation without increasing your volume anyway. Being angry and controlled is way more effective than being a screaming crazy person. People don't take you as seriously. At least that's my opinion. :) Sorry they jumped all over you. I can't stand it when that happens on mommy forums.

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answers from Chicago on

I'm a yeller. i rarely yell at hubby. When we first got married, we had some nasty fights..but since I love him, and love is gentle and kind, I trained myself to treat him with the respect he deserves.

I was raised by yellers, and a mom that liked her wooden spoon. I think this was common in the 60s and 70s. In fact, both of my parens got wacked at school and at home if they misbehaved, as was common in the 40a and 50s.

I've been working hard since having my first child to break the patterns of my youth. I still have terrible days, but even on these days, I apologize and try to model a good way to recover from losing your temper. Bad hormonal days are just hard, but I'm hopeful that in the next few years I will have better control. I'm starting to do meditation more frequently, so I'm hopeful.

I do yell in public, btw. But I'm not one that tries to be other than I am. I am human, and I accept all that this entails.

My biggest struggle right now is that hubby too has a terrible temper, and while he is working on breaking himself of his family's patterns, it would be nice if I lived withi someone without as strong a temper as me. But when you put an Irishman and a Sicilian together, you are going to get some sparks flying. Both are temperamental peoples. Mousy is definitely something we are not. But I know our natural feistiness will help us to fight away the beast within that likes to roar.

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answers from Louisville on

My husband is a yeller/screamer. He yells over every tiny thing that doesn't go how he wants it to. He yells at me, at our kiddo, at my family, & at perfect strangers. He feels entitled to behave this way because he's not physically hurting anyone.

Living with someone like this is very scary. You never know what's going to make him yell or how bad it will be.

Yelling/screaming is scary and intimidating and hurtful, especially when hurtful things are said.

With a person like my husband, I think it's very much an issue of respect. He doesn't respect anyone enough to not scare them or to not create a hostile environment. No one is worth him trying to control himself.

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answers from Williamsport on

I think if you're of the mindset that yelling is not OK you make the concerted effort to control it. Some people don't put much thought into it. They just do it. I've been around lots of yellers. I'm amazed they see nothing wrong with it. They seem to be frustrated about it and hate doing it, but yet they yell yell yell....But maybe that's how they were raised, so it seems OK to them. Other people I know yell a lot because they lack discipline for their kids so their households are pretty stressful and out of control which makes yelling harder to avoid.

I guess I'm like my parents were. They were calm and quiet and methodical with discipline so you never really had the opportunity to drive them to the point of yelling. If they did yell it was rare and very upsetting and effective. I never defied a yelling parent because it was like, Woah, this jig is SO TOTALLY up- I am not gonna push it....

I "trained" (sorry for offensive term) my kids in toddlerhood to obey calm requests with discipline so they would comply in public and everywhere, so I can honestly say I never yelled at them as toddlers. Now my older two are pushing boundaries in "older kid ways" and sometimes I get frustrated yet it doesn't really warrant discipline, so I'll yell occasionally-but I'm immediately aware of it and take steps to either just STOP, or I warn the kids I'm not going to yell so they need to stop. Or I'll yell if it's nothing about them like a frustrating phone call or whatever and they'll just get all bug eyed and amazed because I hardly do it. And believe me I have stress, divorcing, single parent of three small kids, financial stress, no help, I COULD be yelling all day believe me.

But it's an effort and a conscious choice based on the belief in my opinion that yelling is annoying and pointless so I dont want to do it. The few times I've fallen into "yelling all day" because of hormones or stressy situations the kids' behavior definitely got worse as they felt I was all bark and no bite. It's like the little respect monitors in their eyes tilted over to "empty" and it hurt their feelings. Sometimes if I'm exhausted and cranky late at night while cleaning kitchen or something, I'll just warn the kids. "Don't talk to me, I'm tired and I may yell" and they get it.

Some people don't feel that way about it, they feel it's healthy and natural, and maybe their kids are just used to it....I feel like I would have really hated it if my parents ran around yelling a lot. Thank goodness they didn't. I hate hearing people yell. I'm also not one to argue in public etc. I was just conditioned that way I guess.

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answers from Chicago on

Short answer - I am a yeller - in general.

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answers from New York on

My friend and I laugh because wear are both yellers, but not angry yellers .Hard to explain. Now we both babysit our grandchildren and we are still yellers. Maybe we just approach things differently. I.E. today's language, James take your hand off of Beth. Pinching will hurt her. Then there is our approach. Get your hand off of her before you get into trouble. What's the matter with you. We laugh at each other and the kids look at us like, oh ok. Heck between the two of us we have raised 9 great kids who all now have families of their own. Grand total of 17 grand kids. Obviously we are doing something right. Really when serious things occurred we approached it in a different way. Does that make sense.

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answers from Detroit on

I really try not to yell, but sometimes it's so much easier for me to lose my sh*t with my husband and daughter than anyone else, probably because I have to remind them of the same stuff over and over again - my expectations of them are different than that of random strangers and I get frustrated. Most of the time it's not so much outright yelling, but raising my voice, or sounding highly annoyed. Like when I've been working all day, my husband has been home with our daughter, and the place is a mess, because he's let her eat and drink in every room of the house and there are cups and plates and garbage all over, and none of it has been cleaned up. Or when I have to constantly remind my daughter of what needs to be done or what is not allowed. Or especially when I have to get her out the door in time for school and she's dawdling and getting distracted by every little thing - "Get your shoes on! Now!" Or when she's trying to get my attention and I tell her in a minute, but she continues to call for me over and over. Or basically pester me for stuff after I've said no. I try not to yell, but I can only tolerate so much, and then it becomes the only thing that seems to get her attention and make her realize I am serious.

However, I never call her names or insult her in any way. It's more like, "WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU? I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE!"

Oops, gotta go - she wants me to read her bedtime stories and if she keeps asking me again and again after I've told her in a minute, I am going to start yelling. ;)

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answers from Kansas City on

I try not to yell when angry. Ik when someone is yelling at me I will completely tune that person out. I am sure u r yelling at them for the same stupid things over and over again. If u can't control your anger walk away. Take a breather. I am sure u can say some pretty harsh things that u did not necessarily mean while yelling out of angry u later regret. Which we all have. Yelling is not helping it's hurting. Trying to talk to an angry person is just as hard if not harder then getting through to a completely intoxicated person. It's impossible. WALK AWAY. To get them to listen and truly understand What made u so angryand to come up with a understanding. Sit down face to face keep eye contact while explaining What it was they did. Let them provide reasoning for their action and come up with a solution together. With the children sit them down with no possible distractions around. U muSt come down to their level face to face. Keeping eye contact the entire time. Do not raise your voice, but speak firmly. Again talk it out. I promise with 2 wks u will see a HUGE improvement in your whole families dynamic. It is a little work. Yelling is the lazy easy way out. U learn What u live. Lead by example. U do not want your children to grow up thinking it's okay to express their angry by yelling, screaming, and just flat out being disrespectful. Do they yell and argue back yet? What r their ages? I studied this in college. I might


answers from St. Louis on

Yes, I yell sometimes: "put your shoes on...put- your- shoes- on....PUT YOUR SHOES ON!!!!!!!", but, it works better when I use "normal" or "library" voice, so I use a calmer voice more often and my kids move faster and happier!

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