What Should I Say?

Why don't you write her a letter on decorative or religious theme stationary. Just let her know you are thinking of her and ask her how things are going. You don't have to mention the disorder, just ask how she's doing and ask if there's anything you can do. I know she's far away, but maybe there's something you can do. At least you've offered to help.

Half of infants with this condition do not survive beyond the first week of life. Some children have survived to the teenage years, but with serious medical and developmental problems....from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002626/

I would probably say:
"Carol, I love you. You are so important to me and I cherish our friendship among my most prized possessions.
You and the baby are never far from my thoughts and prayers each day. I am here for you in any way that you need it.
I'm here if you want to talk, and I'm here if you don't.
I am praying that The Lord gives you strength for this journey, uncertain as it is, know that He will not fail you. He will walk right beside you through every uncertain turn in the road ahead."

I would keep it simple, like, "I love you & I'm here if you need me".

I'd let her know I'm praying for her. Also, check out the booklet "Known Only to God" by .... Oooh, I'll post if I remember. It's a little purple book that you can get for about $1. We've lost several babies to miscarriages, and I've shared this book with other friends. The feedback is always that it's an easy read, and that it was the most helpful book. It deals most specifically with miscarriages, but with losing a baby in general, as well. You might call her the morning of the tests, and just say you're praying for her today. If you speak to her, rather than a voicemail, you could offer to pray with her right then on the phone, too. When we've gone through these things, just knowing someone cared enough to take the time to write/call. Please don't NOT do anything. Just don't say something along the line of "I know what you're going through" or something about how they didn't need/want this baby at this time, etc., not that you would, but, people have said similar things to me. Thanks for caring for her so much!

There's really nothing you can say to her other than I love you, I'm thinking of you and I'm praying for you. She will appreciate that you care enough to send something. Also, if her baby does pass away, remember dates like the birthday and angel date of the child. Those dates will always be hard and 5 years down the road, other people will forget or think that she should be "over it" by now but she will appreciate that you still acknowledge that her baby was here and mattered.

Bttrfly:

ooh my!! this is tough as there are no right words you can say...

call her and tell her you are there for her 24 hours a day. As her if she wants you there next week for the tests (if you can afford to do that).

Just let her know you are there. It's going to be a tough time. Losing a baby in-utero is tough. Losing one so quickly after they are born is even harder.

I have a friend who lost her son to trisomy 18 a few years ago. She was several states away, so I sent her a card, telling her I admired her grace, courage, and ability to love, and that I knew her little boy was very loved. Then I told her if she wanted to talk, I was here and that I'd check on her throught the journey.

It's hard to know what to say in this situation, because some people resent instant sympathy, thinking their baby's life, however short, should also be celebrated and not be totally mired in sadness. You have to tread delicately.

My friend's baby lived 6 days, but they chose no extraordinary measures, which I thought was very unselfish and compassionate.

I would send her flowers. Flowers that smell good. and a simple note....thinking of you...and I am here to listen if you need to talk. I think she may just want someone to listen. People always get unsure of what to say...but just listening is the most important so she can get her feelings out.

Well, thankfully NOT 100% of them die before their first birthday! The likelihood is that yes, this baby will not have much time before passing on, but I learned an awful lot when two years ago my husband and I sat across the room from a team of drs while they speculated what all was wrong with our baby. Though our baby's final diagnosis did not involve trisomy 18, he had a number of different conditions and malformations that gave us a 60% chance of him surviving the first month, *if* he lived through birth. While we are living a miracle and he is now 18months old and doing worlds better than anyone could have ever imagined, living through the fear and stress of that pregnancy was some days extremely difficult. Just tell her you love her and are thinking of her, and that you are praying for her. How far away are you? Are you within a couple of hours so that you could go and visit her if she was up for it? Some days I just needed someone there so I could go out to lunch and life would feel normal...and we could talk about normal things and not have the conversation revolve around the latest dr appointments and diagnoses. It got hard to have to explain things over and over, and the chance to just be with a friend was a nice distraction for a few hours. If you are close enough to visit-make sure she's up for it, some days I just didn't want to be around anyone.
Like someone mentioned earlier, don't try and come up with magical words of wisdom, sometimes they just don't quite hit the mark, even when they are said with the very best of intentions. And honestly, don't tell her "I could never go through this" or "I can't imagine how strong you must be to deal with this"...I know everyone who said that was trying to be encouraging about the way I was handling things, but really, while there were some days I know I was carried through my fears and frustrations and sadness solely on the prayers of others, there were some days when I felt like I couldn't go through it either. Oh, and I assume she's married...don't forget about her husband! Everyone flocked around me because I was the pregnant one, and my husband-who was scared just as much about what was happening-was assumed to be dealing just fine with everything because he was the man. He was hurting too and shed plenty of tears himself, but nearly everyone forgot about him. If you end up sending anything to them, flowers or whatever, adress it to both of them, not just to her.
Keep it simple.
And don't forget about her after baby comes, whether baby only survives a few hours or days, or whether baby is one of the few that has a longer life. Everyone is thinking about her and her family now, but in a few months life will go back to normal for everyone and she will still be reminded every day that she doesn't have her baby in her arms. Mark your calendar for a few weeks or months from now if you need to to help remember, and give her a call then too, just to remind her that you love her.

Write whatever is in your heart, just make sure to write. I kept quiet when a friend went through a difficult time with her newborn daughter. I thought I was respecting her privacy, and would wait for her to reach out to me. She later told me that she was hurt that I didn't care enough to contact her, and our longtime friendship ended. The words will come. Good luck

Don't stress about words, there's no magic that can be said. There are no words to take her pain away. The point is that you are reaching out to her, that you acknowledge her pain. It just needs to convey that you care and that you are there if she needs you. Friends are those who share in our pain and happiness, the events that rock our worlds as well as the events that rock us to the core, even when we lack the right words.
My heart is aching for you...
You are in our thoughts...
I wish I could be there and hug you because I have no words,

Oh honey :(

There ARE no words. If I were in your shoes, I'd send a little bible with the child's name inside, for the baby.

I'd send her a card saying that she's in your thoughts and prayers, baby as well, that you're there for her no matter what, even if it's just to listen.

Be her rock if she needs it. Sometime's God needs his little angels with him for reasons we don't understand now, but everything happens for a reason.

Sorry you're both going through this :(

Tell her how heartbroken you are. That you don't even know what to say, but that you want to be there for her. Let her know that you will be a listening ear and that she can call you whenever she needs. And then call her up out of the blue to say you were thinking of her and ask her how it's going. Make sure all of your conversations with her let her talk for a while. It's gonna take some time to process this all. Having a good friend to just talk to about it will help her.

You said it yourself, that you both share the same faith that understands you'll be with your loved ones. That is the only thing that can provide comfort in death. It may sound trite to say that very thing to her, but it is powerful. Tell her how much you love her and that you know how much she already loves her baby, and that you know that she'll get to hold her baby again in Heaven. Forget all the "you have memories" "you'll have better days" stuff. It's empty compared to the hope you both have in Eternal Life.

Send a card letting her know she is in your thoughts and prayers. Don't say anything like: "the baby is in a better place," or "it's God's will."
She will really need your support later. So be open to talking to her if she indicates she wants to talk about it.

I would say something simple like "I honestly cannot imagine what you are going thru. But know this, you are my forever friend and I care deeply about you and love you. I'm sure you will need someone to talk to while you go thru this, please know that you can call me anytime as I'm here for you." And honestly mean it. When I went thru a terrible divorce, all my "friends" bailed on me, I just needed to vent and have someone listen. I know its no comparison to what she is and will be going thru, but she needs people to rally around her, not shy away because they don't know what to say. Good luck.

Send her a silly off the wall card and tell her you thought she could use a smile and a hug. A non expiring gift card to the movie theater or her favorite restaurant would nice too. Tell her you wanted to give her a temporary escape when she needs it without a timeframe to make her feel pressured to use it before she is ready.

The best thing thing I have found for grief is just knowing that your friends are there if you need them. So stay in touch and don't wait for her to call you... she probably won't. Talk about life and other things too, but don't avoid the elephant in the room either. Sometimes the greatest gift of all is to simply acknowledge the deceased's existence.

You might look into what the state does for babies that die in the womb. I have a friend who lost her baby in labor and Colorado does not issue birth certificates to children born without life. It was devastating for her that on top of everything else, she had no legal proof of his life. So maybe you could make her a personalized birth certificate if the worst happeneds and the state does not acknowledge it.

Good luck, having a friend like you can make things a lot easier.

Just send her a card that says, "Thinking of you" -and basically say the same thing. Let her know that she is in your thoughts and you wanted to let her know you care about her. No need to go into any detail about anything -that will suffice. In situations like this there's really nothing else you can say that will help.

This brought a tear to my eye. I think you've gotten such wonderful words already, I don't really have anything to add to that...

Perhaps you could honor her child with a donation to a child's charity or some such as well??

Just be there...what a great friend you are being!!

Please let us know what happens. I will pray for you and your friend. God Bless.

I would send her a card expressing that you love her and are there emotionally for her if she ever wants to talk or vent etc. You can mention that she will be in your thoughts and prayers. Best wishes---M