Death of an Unborn Child

Oh that is just heart wrenching! I agree w/the girls, a card, maybe some flowers and in the card let her know you're there for anything she needs. No need to go into details. She'll know you're there for them and that will mean more than enough!

S.

D.,

You have received some very good advice. Just don't avoid them. Many people do because they don't know what to say. You can't say anything really to make them feel better, so keep it simple and sincere. "I'm so sorry."

B.

i cannot even pretend to imagine what this family is going through, but if i had to place myself in the mother's position, i think i would like a couple of weeks to keep it as personal a matter as possible. so, depending on how close you are to her, maybe you should send a card (not a hallmark "sorry for your loss" card, but something written by you on stationary) in a couple weeks. just something simple that says you know about her situation and you're there if you need her. also, maybe since you are expecting (congratulations!) it may be pretty painful or bitter for her to hear from you too soon.

I am so sorry to hear about this loss. I misscarried once, so I can relate a little. I like the idea of sending the parents a personal sympathy note...not a formula card. When my dad passed, I got so many cards, and a lot were duplicates! You can't go wrong w a personal note. You can keep it brief, not overly mushy and say you will write more again later. (That gives the parents a little something to look forward to in the future.) Say you will keep the family in your prayers and to take care of each other.

My good friend who lives overseas lost her son at 2 months. (He was born under-sized & w a heart defect. Never came home from the NICU) We sent a card with a letter. I even added a bit of general other news to keep things "normal". For that friend, that's what worked. I did not tell her I was trying to get preg. You can tell your friend(s) that they should feel free to call you any time they want. They are welcome to come visit. If you can help in any way to let you know. Unfortunately, there isn't much else you can say.

Hang in there. It's tough to hear this kind of news. It makes us all appreciate the preciousness of life, (especially a child's) even more! P.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend's loss! I miscarried at 4 months along and it was truly the most difficult time of my life. The things that helped me the most were my family and friends that would just sit with me, sometimes in complete silence, while I just sat there and cried. My thoughts were constantly consumed about the son I had just lost, and a lot of the time, that is what I needed...someone to just sit with me and hold my hand or just comfort me while I cried. And a lot of times it was with someone over the phone. I had no family that lived close to me at the time so they would sit on the phone with me while I just cried. Words weren't always needed. So, keep that in mind. Definitely remember the day she was born and let your friend know that you are thinking of her on that day for years down the road. I also reached out to support groups. The one I found the most helpful was SHARE. Their website is www.nationalshareoffice.com. They are an amazing organization. You can also find a lot of information on their website on ways to help your friend get through this. My heart goes out to your friend and the loss of her daughter.

Hi D.-

I am so sorry for your friend. Unfortunately, I know someone who experienced this. If you are not near to them, my suggestion would be to send a very personal, heartfelt card. And if there religious, send a little prayer gift. I sent a simple heart shaped ceramic plate that simply said "I said a prayer for you today". Other than that, there's just not much that you can do. She is going to have to go through a grieving process, even though the child was never "born". Her loss is incredible right now and it's terrible that she has to go through this.

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Check out this website. It will give you a little insight to how your friends are feeling.

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about this loss.

I have 2 very close friends who have lost an infant. The best thing you can do is acknowledge it. So many people aren't sure what to say or do, so they shy away from the whole thing. Short of saying something completely insensitive (like "At least you hadn't gotten attached to her yet.") it's better to say something rather than nothing. If you don't feel comfortable calling them yet, send a card. If they're close friends and you can afford it, include a gift certificate for "couple time" (dinner, a spa treatment, a bed & breakfast, etc.). It will be important for them to get away and grieve together. A gift certificate gives them the flexibility to do so whenever they're ready.

I have continued to send a card to my friends every year on the childs' birthday, and I know they really appreciate the fact that I haven't forgotten about their child. The parents will likely continue to celebrate (or at least reflect on) that special day, and it will help them to know you're thinking of them.

I hope this helps.

How about making a donation to march of dimes in memory of their baby? March of dimes is an organization dedicated to helping save the lives of premature infants and those with problems. i'm sure your friend would really appreciate the gesture!
also, give her a call-i'm sure she'd like to hear from a friend who cares.

I, personally, have never dealt with this situation, but I agree with Jennifer. It would seem like the best thing to do is to acknowledge their loss & let them know that you are there for them for anything. During or after pregnancy, they still lost a child and that has to be very painful. It makes me cry just to think of them. Just be there for them as much as they need. My thoughts are with you & them.

D.,

I am so very sorry for your friend (I was that mom once) and for you not being able to shield that pain. I lost a son (my first child) 11yrs ago, he lived 3 days. I would wait to hear if there will be a service for their baby. No one could do anything for me at that time, but one thing that stood out to me, was a friend donated some money to children's hospital in memory of my son. I will keep you both in my prayers.

God bless your friend and her husband. Bless you for being concerned enough to write about it. We lost our daughter 8 years ago. She had a terminal birth defect, we knew she would not make it but we were blessed to have her born alive and she lived for 7 minutes.

But to your friend. Let her know you are there for her. Do not tell her you know how she feels unless of course you have lost a child under similar circumstances. People would tell my husband and I that and we thought, really when did your child die? Your firend is about to go on such a roller coaster of emoitions. My grief therapist said the process takes 2 years and it does. I was blessed to have 2 children before our Mary Elizabeth was born. They saved my life. In that I had a reason to live despite the excruciating pain that I was feeling from lossing my baby. No matter how bad I felt they still needed to be feed and dressed and everything else.

I struggled with my relationship with God and I was ashamed to share those feelings with anyone else. As for a freind what I needed then was just someone to listen to me talk. I didn't need advice I needed understanding no matter how crazy I must have sounded at times. I just needed to feel my feelings and know that they were "normal" for what I had been. You might want to read books on grief. The Kubler Ross 5 stages of grief. You don't go throught them and never look back you can float back and forth from stage to stage.

The other thing your friend might be facing is the stress this will have on her marriage. Her husband will be greifing in his own way on his own time. Many marriages do not survive such a loss. The divorce statistics are very high. I know my husband and I barely survived that time in our live. We thank God and ae stronger for it, but I would be lying if I said it was easy.

Both my husband and I thought that our daughters death was some how our fault. Mine for not taking care of myself to actions I had taken in my past ( God was punishing me) my husband felt the same way. He thought he was being punished for his sins. That is not the God we believe in, but the thought came anyway. The desire for understanding was so over powering. Bottomline there is no understanding in this life of things like this.

It also sounds like your friend is going to be struggling with physical limitations for a while and that can be frustrating as well. Both things cacn lead to depression. Please watch for that.

Let your friend know you love her and you are there for her. Let her know she can call you anytime day or night( only say that if you mean it) an listen with an open heart. Love her where she is. She can get over this but it is not easy. I have been through a lot but losing my daugheter was by far the most difficult. God bless you for being there and God bless you frien her family and God rest the soul of her little one.

Oh by the way Elizabeth Edwards wrote a book about recoving from the death of a child. It sounds wonderful I can't remeber the name but I know the word Grace is in the title.

God Bless,
J.

Hello, congrats on your new baby! So very sorry to hear of your friends loss. I have had 3 miscarriages and lost our baby Miranda at 5 months old. Some of the most helpful things for me were:
A poem that a friend wrote for us
Personal letters that were sent, not a card
Help with stuff around the house,AFTER the funeral
was over.The reason I stress after is because everyone
went home and we were alone with incredible grief and
no energy. It was so helpful to have someone help at
home so we could concentrate on what we needed to do.
Getting a headstone, etc. Also many people sent a
donation to Tod Childrens Hospital in Mirandas memory.
In fact some of my family and friends still make
donations to different childrens charities in her
memory.
Anyway if I can be of any help, please let me know. My heart is with you and your friend.

I've always thought if it comes from your heart, and you truly mean, you can't go wrong. She doesn't expect a Hemmingway novel or poem....knowing you love and care for her is enough. Love her and be there for her. That's enough because that's what being friend is. Just by giving "you", you are giving.

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. While I haven't gone through something so tragic, my parents did. In between my brother and myself, they had a stillborn, full-term baby girl. My Mom and I have talked about it, at length, numerous times. She's told me all the emotions she went through and the different phases. One thing is to make sure you (and others) don't make your friend and her husband feel rushed out of their feelings. They've suffered a tremendous heartbreak.
As for doing something for them, since you're not in their area, I would suggest getting some gift cards for restaurants that do take-out. Even though they won't feel like going out to dinner, they could still order in. She's not going to feel like cooking for a while, especially with her health issues. And I would just let her know you're there to listen. If she needs a sounding board, or someone to vent at, let her know you'll be there. And if she feels like just crying, you'll be there. She may even go through times where she wants to just have a normal conversation, too, without the death of her baby brought into it. So try to pick up on her ques. Just be receptive to her needs and I think just knowing that you are there for her, will be enough. God bless your friends. And God bless you, for being such a caring friend.

well first congrats to you, i'm also due in july...
well with my last daughter who's know 4...when i was pregante my friend lost her twins, and i debated over and over weather or not to attend the funeral because i was showing already. in the end i did go but it was difficult in many ways, i have no idea how to help my friend, i felt guilty in someways cause i'm child was healthly and i didnt want to make her feel worse and the just the horiable lose of children. In the end she ws happy that i was there, and i gave her a hug but I really didnt know what to do either. Death is just difficult no matter what the age but worse when it's a child. Also remember that you shouldnt get too emotional over it...meaning it can cause stress on you too, so just keep that in mind...
you caould send flowers and a card...at least then maybe aftre your baby is here and you can get some time both of you go on a specail lunch or something.....

my dearest sympathys....

I have been in this situation first hand. I had a stillborn at 6 1/2 months. The best thing you can do for these parents is to let them know you are there if they need to talk. I'm sure you could find some kind of sympathy card that would fit the situation....like the loss of a loved one. Just call them and let them know that you are there and thinking about them and there if they need you. They are going through a very rough time and I can understand why the mother is having a hard time being focused on herself, but like I said, just let them know...that's all you can do from a distance.

I've been in a similar situation. . .twice. My cousin and a friend both lost a baby. Definitely send a card letting your friend know that you are thinking about her. Other than that all you can do is be there to listen when she's ready to talk about it. My cousin and my friend both needed some space initially, but they were eventually ready to talk about it. There is really not much else that can be done. . .

D., I had the same thing happen that Heather had. 5 months into my pregnancy my son died and I had to deliver him. It was the worst experience of my life! Not only did most people not know what to say, I did not know how to respond to people. Honestly, I wanted to be left alone and I did not want to talk about it. I do however remember the card I received that gave me the most comfort. My friend gave me a card that said basically that there was no right or wrong way to grieve this loss. That she did not know what to say to make me feel better but that she and others were thinking and praying for my husband and me and if I needed to talk she would always listen. Sometimes it is best not to try and talk but just to listen. She is lucky to have such a good friend.
Congrats on your new baby girl.

Dear D.,
As a mother that has had to deal with the death of an unborn child I know all too well what your friend is going through. We went through this in December 2003. I was also 5 months along with my daughter when we found that she had passed in utero. It's heartbreaking having to actually go through the labor and delivery process only to realize you will be leaving the hospital empty armed.
When we came home I dont think some people really knew what to say and therefore, didnt say much. I think they thought that since she wasnt full term that she really didnt exist. I was so angry at some of the responses. We heard "you're young, you'll have more" to "It was gods way". NOT what you want to hear! I know it's hard, b/c you dont know what to say or do, but just letting her know you're hear anytime she needs to talk is a very caring thing. I think for me, just having people acknowledge that Emma was a real, live child and it was okay to talk about it was wonderful for me. We also got in touch with the local hospital and went to some grief classes specifically designed for parents who've lost children.
My heart breaks for your friend, but as the saying goes, time does heal all wounds. Still we never forget our angels.

I will keep her in my prayers.
H.

As a parent who has lost a child I am going to give you some advice. 1) dont ever say "well it just wasnt meant to be". That is by far the most hurtful thing I was told. 2) if this was their only child dont tell them "happy mothers/fathers day" its not really happy and you dont feel like a mother/father. 3) dont look at them with pity. Now is especially the hardest time for that. I know its difficult for you too but it just makes us feel worse. Now what I think you can do and what would/did/has made me feel better. Send the card, acknowledge the baby (did they name the little girl?) be honest with them tell them that you dont know what to say to them. Ask what you could do to help. They may say nothing, but they may have a request, try to fulfill it. Try to remember this date in the future. They will remember it. You could send a card just saying I know today is special and difficult for you, whatever you think of at that time. Also dont forget that the father lost his daughter to. Try to include him in your thoughts too.
I know its a difficult situation and my prayers are with them!
Also there are several books that could help her. You could look for one at Borders or any book store and send them one. They may not read it but there are some very helpful things in them. Its sometimes just nice (though extremely sad) to know that we arent the only parents who have lost a child.
Also there are group meeting in several areas for parents in the same situation. Perhaps you could look one up and suggest it to them. That helps too!
I am sorry this rambles on and on.
S.