Help for Someone Having a 4 Month Miscarriage

I knew of a group that painted special keepsakes boxes for the 'would be' parents to take home the memory items like bracelets, food prints, and to keep thing like the outfit they had bought for the child-

I worked with a gal who had the smallest, tiniest, cutest foot print on her the side of her computer- it was a baby her sister had lost they did foot prints after the child was born.

Also if she likes chocolate then CHOCOLATE helps :) and a box of soft kleenex.

I just went to a group discussion about coping with miscarriage. In Utah there is a Pregnancy Loss Support Group at www.utahshare.org or ###-###-####. There are similar groups in most states.

Also a book called "Gone Too Soon" from Covenant publishers was recommended, although I haven't read it. It's by Sherri Devashrayee Wittmer.

When in doubt, don't say things like "You're still young" or "You're lucky you didn't get to know the baby". Rather, just stick to "I'm sorry" and being supportive, just like it seems you've already done in offering to babysit. Let her talk and just listen--I always have to catch myself because I try to solve things, but she just needs to take her time to grieve how ever much she needs.

Good luck to you and her.

When I had my miscarriage, I wanted to feel loved but didn't want to talk to anyone.

People sent flowers and cards. That helped the most. Many mentioned they were there for me if I wanted to talk. I can't say I got over the miscarriage until I was in the 2nd trimester of my next pregnancy.

Please remember that the first trimester of her next pregnancy will be a scary time, too.

You are a good friend. And this is probably the most difficult thing to for a woman to deal with is losing her baby and I am sorry she has to endure it. I lost mine 5 years ago 2 weeks before the due date. I suggest trying to get in her place, and try to understand that she did not lose a "pregnancy", she is losing her child and the that child's future and hope. She may feel guilty that the child died. Try not to say "you can have another" because another baby is not THIS baby. Try to say you are sorry for the loss and you are there for here and then be there for her when she calls. She may want some privacy to cry and to grieve, she may only want to have those around who she really trusts. It is important that she grieve. If her husband, mother or sister or best friend (like you) is there to cry with her, it will help. Go grocery shopping, bring her dinner(s) when she gets home, just let her know you are there. You are the kind of friend that helped me, someone who just cared.

I am SO sorry to hear about your friend! I myself had a miscarriage when I was 4 months pregnant. Definitely be there for her and treat it as a child that was born and then died...because to her it is. Acknowledge the baby...ask her if she named him/her, and if she is given the opportunity to see and hold him, ask her to describe the way he looked. While I was in the hospital I was pretty much in denial, until I went home...that is when reality set in. So be there for her in the days, weeks, and months to come...because her grief is going to last a long time. There were many times I needed someone with me, but not necessarily to talk or keep me occupied...we would just sit in silence while I cried. And it meant so much to me just knowing that I wasn't alone. I eventually found the goodness in my son's death...I have always said his life was like a flower...short but complete. Because even in his short life he taught me so much, about myself and about life. So roses have become my symbol of him. It will be a long road, but with the support of family and friends, your friend will get thru this. Don't be afraid to ask her what she wants and needs. There are many books out there about miscarriage. A great resource for me was the SHARE organization. They have a website...www.nationalshareoffice.com. It is an amazing group of people, and they really helped me. There is also information on there about helping someone you know thru miscarriage and grief. You and your friend will be in my prayers. I am so sorry for her loss!

Although I've lost babies this far along, I've never had to do the delivery thing. There is a great book on it called "Empty Arms". I think the author is Pam Vandrevelt. I also like "Known Only to God" by Martha Cummins Love, but that one is harder to get a hold of. Something a friend did for me, that I now do for friends, is give them a little gift of some sort. I've done small stained glass windows to hang in the kitchen, knickknacks, whatever seems right. My friend gave me one of those pretty snowglobes from Hallmark. That is still one of my most treasured items 8 years later. Anything to remember the baby by. Did she know what she was having? You could give her something with the baby's name on it if she shared it. I would give the 5yo something, as well, and don't forget the father. Our son took our last loss very hard and he was only 2.5. Kids get it. We also found that often people would ask my husband how I was doing, but very rarely asked how he was doing. I've been told by several friends that it meant a lot that I ask the husband how he is doing. I also send a card around the due date to let them know I'm still thinking of them. When the baby is supposed to be about 6 weeks old is always a really hard time for me, because then you start noticing all the newborns at the grocery store, etc., and you don't have one of your own to hold. Babysitting is a great idea. You might have to be somewhat insistent, but she'll appreciate it. Thanks for caring so much!

Flowers are sweet and will make her smile. They helped when I lost my son (14 weeks premature). The best thing for me was a shoulder to cry on and knowing that I did have family and friends that cared. I loved reading all the cards that we received. I still have them with all his baby stuff. He would be turning sweet 16 next month. Rememeber, unless you have actually lost a child you can not imagine the pain you feel in your heart and there will be days when for no reason you just want to cry so be there for her when she is having one of those days. Prayers and thoughts to everyone.

I know you already have a ton of responses, but I just wanted to chip in my experience. I had a friend who went through an induction at about 23-24 weeks; for her and her husband it was actually a very peaceful and spiritual moment when the baby was delivered. They were able to hold him, and had casts of his hands and feet done; also they had him cremated and have the urn with his ashes by the casts. I got a few friends to chip in and we got a nice plant the parents could put in their garden as a lasting memento to their son, and we sent a card. Since this would have been my friends' first born, it is hard sometimes to remember her when I think of moms, but she is still a mom just as much as someone whose child survived. Your friend may not want to talk about the lost baby at first, but my friend speaks of her son and her experience easily now, and it's only been a year. I couldn't physically get ahold of this friend and her husband for a while after they lost the baby, they kind-of withdrew from society, but now we plan regular girls-nights and try to get together as couples; we have a group of friends we have all known (at least myself and the husbands!) since jr. high, so it is a comfortable setting for my friends to speak of their loss and not worry about awkwardness. It sounds like your heart is definitely in the right place, and I think your friend will appreciate the thoughtfulness of anything you can do. Best of luck to you and her, and I'm very sorry.

I am a doula and would be willing to help her out if you and your coworkers all chip in, it would most likely cost about as much as if you all got her flowers. Having extra support there in her time of need would be very helpful. Please contact me if you want more information. I am very sorry for her loss and very proud of you for being such a good friend.

my sister had the same thing happen. Cook meals and help with housework. That's all my sister wanted. She didn't want to be doing anything at all while the baby was stil inside of her. I can't imagine your friend's pain but I think if you all help her run the household smoothely she'll like that. Do some laundry, give the kids she has their baths. Good luck and I'm sorry this happened to your friend.

I have a friend who went through the same thing at 8 months gestation... I lost a baby at 10 weeks. No matter how early or far along, the loss of a baby is tramatic. When my friend lost her baby at 8 months pregnant, she went to support groups. The strongest message they passed on was not to bury the experience... but instead to memorialize Baby, remember Baby, name Baby... all the things we do when we have a baby. So to that end, I think a frame with a matted birth announcement that you print up would be a wonderful memory for the family. Also, 2 website you can take a look at that are local charities in Colorado: www.coloradopregnancyloss.org (Centennial) and www.rowantreefoundation.org (Parker).

S.
Parker, CO

My friend went through this (3 times now) and I have learned that the most important thing is to love on her AND her husband. Flowers would be good. Babysitting is good. Be sure to follow up in a week or so to see how they are feeling; if they need time for just the two of them. Maybe send a card to just say you are thinking of/praying for them. My friend's husband was devastated and had trouble focusing at work for more than a week and it turned out that only 1 person checked on him but everyone checked on her. So, might be good if your husband or one of your guy friends can follow up with him, as well.

Dear J.,
I myself miscarried at almost 5 mo., I did it at home so I could avoid a D & C. My MIL who also miscarried 3x came over made me chicken soup & just tried to keep my mind off of it as much as possible.

What you are doing is the best you can do, just be there to listen, tell her you are so sorry. She does not expect you to do anything more. Her & her husband will likely need time alone just to talk about what has happened so offering to watch their 5 yr. old is a great jesture.

Don't worry about trying to give other experiences of yours or your friends experinces of miscarriages, this is not what she wants to hear right now. Everyone feels different & everyone deals with things differently. Between loosing our 3 day old son & our miscarriage at 5 mo. the best thing I could every hear from others was a plain "i'm sorry".

You are a great friend. Keep encouraging her. Give my condolences. i hope I helped. G

I am so sorry to hear of your friends loss. My sister delivered a full term stillborn last year. Though I know these are different cases, I'm sure the sense of loss is similar. Flowers, cards, dinner are all extremely appropriate. Acknowledge her loss even if you are tempted to not say anything for fear you might offend her. There is a organization out there called "Now I lay me down to sleep" that will come to the hospital and take beautiful photos of the baby free of charge. I know the baby was only 4 months gestation, but they could take pictures of his hands and feet so that the mother has something to remember the baby by. Check out their website and see if it is appropriate to recommend .
Good Luck, we will be thinking of you and your co-worker

Sorry to hear your friend has to go through this. When i went through this the best thing my friends did for me was to just be there for me. I know that sounds so simpple, but i just needed them to listen and most of to make me laugh. good luck and you will be in my prayers.

I'm so sorry your coworker has to go through this. When my SIL had a miscarriage at 19 wks they just wanted to be left alone for a while. When she went back to work she asked everyone to not talk to her about it unless she brought up the subject. It was very h*** o* her. It has been almost 4 years and I still don't think she has healed from it. I bought them a rose bush that they could plant in memory of Kaylie. You may also just want to let her know you are there for her if she needs to talk.

You are so thoughtful for thinking of this co-worker. Absolutely send flowers and acknowlege her loss. She will have the joy and heartache of knowing the sex of the baby. I would ask her if they named the baby and refer to it by name in a card. Our first pregnancy ended and I will never forget the thoughtfulness of those that acknowledged our loss and even asked questions. It made my baby's short life seem that much more real. Some family chose to ignore the loss, I am sure out of kindness and not wanting to cause us further pain. The truth is, there is no way of escaping the sadness. Our nurse encouraged us to name the baby, and when people asked, we shared this with them. I can never express how I felt when friends referred to our baby by name. It was a gift I never expected. Thank you for caring so much about your co-worker.

Hi J. - you're a good friend to your co-worker. Your friend has experienced a big loss and it should be acknowledged as such. I'm sure your friend will appreciate any encouragement and help you have to offer. The most important thing to remember with any big loss is that the grief lingers. She will need your encouragement for weeks and months to come.

I speak as a dad. 10 years ago my daughter died. Hence my experience. BE THERE for her and her family. Note their will be many well meaning yet ignorant people that will have all kinds of advice. These people will be neither helpful or desiredable.
It is important that your friend is able to greive yet have people near. Stifel the talk of "getting on with the healing process". After the greif, then the healing comes. It may take a bit of time. For me I found a group called Greif Share.

You are a sensitive and thoughtful friend. It is important to acknowledge this loss as a big loss. Consider sending a note or calling around the time of the baby's due date, in addition to whatever you do now.
Flowers, meals, baby-sitting could all be useful. It's nice for her to know she has at least one friend who will not shy away from talking about it, if she feels like talking about it. If she is religious, she might like the book "Gone Too Soon." It's very comforting. I think EarthMamaAngelBaby.com has a pregnancy loss pampering kit.
Best wishes and sympathy to you and your friend.

(I just looked at their site, and they do 25-weeks or later - I guess that probably doesn't apply to your friend. So maybe someone else could take photos...)

I don't know if this will work with the timing, but there's an organization called http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ that provides free professional photography for families who lose babies. Sadly, a friend just delivered her trisomy 13 baby stillborn and had photos done by them. Since she knew they baby would either be stillborn or not live long, they had been in touch ahead of time and the woman came for the delivery. They are amazing photos. I don't know the realities of a baby this young, but if it's possible, I would imagine that photos would be nice to have, even if you just find someone who's a decent amateur to do it.

I would echo the advice on being there for her. But I have to say - do NOT give her a book. My daughter was born three months early and that was all people gave me was books on prematurity. I didn't want to read them, I wanted someone to listen to me and let me cry and not tell me to be strong. She might need a pretty journal to write some thoughts in, with a good pen. Or some house cleaning and dinners. She's not only mourning the loss of her baby, but all the things that a pregnancy has in store, even the unhappy parts. This will be doubly hard for her and a friend who will listen and some time to mourn will be what she needs.

I still have a large potted Peace Lily. I like that as it is still living.

I had this happen to me and yes flowers were nice. It is such an awkward situation-people don't know what to say so they avoid you, but the ones that sent flowers let me know they were thinking of me. I got a batch of flowers from my work while I was in the hospetal and then a week later at home with a card that said I was still in there minds and hearts and to call if I needed anything. Maybe a meal or something when she gets home too. It is miserable to go home with that empty arms feeling and it takes a bit before you are ready to put your life back to normal.

When my brother was killed, we had a few neighbors who brought us ready made meals to keep in the freezer. It was really helpful. Even though we were not really hungry we had lots of guests in and out and it was nice not to feel like we needed to cook for them.

I would also suggest that you remember that this is an actual person that died and help honor the memory of what might have been. Too many people forget that just because the baby was never born does not mean that the mother will not mourn for the child that will never grow up.

Best Wishes

One of my best friends miscarried at 6 months. It was awful! We took care of her 3 year old while her family was at the hospital. Also, several of us took turns in bringing food to her house. She had relatives fly in so it came in handy for everyone. I made a spaghetti dinner and another friend of mine brought over a shephards pie. Both items could easily be frozen if they didn't get eaten. Flowers are always nice, but they somehow feel awkward. My friend had a family funeral service, so maybe that would be a good place to send flowers.

Give her lots of Starbucks gifts certificates and some flowers. And lots of cards with offers of support but she may want to be alone for a long time to digest it all. I hope it works out for her in the future.

I've been learning more about this lately just for my own curiosity. I think there's been some good advice - both her and her husband will need someone to just listen. People avoiding her or not mentioning it is really hard to handle. Also, about sending her a card at the due date. SHARE is a support group for pregnancy & infant loss. They have nice meetings & the group here in Ogden UT will come to the hospital and make molds of the baby's hands or feet. (I don't know about where you live.) Lastly, being able to hold the baby and take pictures will help, even if they don't feel like it at the time.

This is the page that lists SHARE groups:
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/resources_share_groups...

I think a pretty journal with a nice pen would be a thoughtful gift while visiting at the hospital. Also offer to call people if she needs, I am sure she is tired of repeating what is happening over and over, if you are really close maybe she needs help calling funeral homes, etc. Hope this helps.